My Story

[Bryony999]

Ok, so I broke up with someone recently and after having read hundreds of online articles, stories, debates, all of which were helpful in their own way, I promised myself I would share my learnings with others in an attempt to pay it forward.

 

This is my story, I'm sure no different to hundreds out there, but here goes, followed by my advice.

 

I met a girl in August on an online dating site. After almost 2 years of dating that rarely made it passed the second date and often at my decision, I finally met someone I really liked. I was delighted when she really liked me too and I threw myself 100% into the relationship. I was a pretty good girlfriend for the 3 months that we dated and I put in a lot of effort. The first month was great and I couldn't believe my luck, but then came the red flags; standing me up 20 mins before I was due to drive the hour long journey to her house on a Saturday night, picking fights with me in front of her housemate after a few drinks and us having a trivial argument one night over a trivial silly thing which resulted in 3 days of silent treatment until I apologised.

 

Despite all this I persevered as the good outweighed the bad and once we got over the silly argument, things were better than ever. She went on holiday with some friends for a week and was messaging me daily, asking to call me, telling me how much she was missing me and when she did get back and I went over at the weekend, things seemed good. Maybe not the passionate reunion id hoped for, but we had a great time together and I got a msg from her as I walked in the door on Sunday night saying it was great to see me and when could she come and stay next.

 

We agreed on Friday, the next day we chatted as normal and then on the following day, Tuesday, she messaged me at work asking how I was and when I replied I didn't hear back for the rest of the night. Growing concerned I messaged her the next lunchtime asking if everything was ok, to be told the relationship wasn't for her, there were some really great things but others... she didn't think we were compatible long term and didn't want to waste my time.

 

I was shocked as everything had been so positive and I was upset that she hadn't called to discuss it as I felt that would have been the decent thing to do. I told her this and never heard from her again.

 

I still don't know why and will never know, but put it down to either pure panic at things getting serious quite quick, or desperately wanting it to work but waking up one day knowing it was a lie.

 

It took me a while to get over it but I'm almost there now and my key advice is;

 

1) Stand your ground, tell someone how you honestly feel. If they've dumped you and not handled it respectfully, let them know. It will help you to maintain your self respect at a time when it's been knocked

 

2) Don't contact them. This is the hardest as you want answers and miss them but keep going. You're far more attractive if you can walk away and hold your head up. If anything, it makes the Dumper question their decision. If you find NC really tough, agree with yourself that after a month you can contact them. Plan out what you might say and when. I found this helped as a goal to work towards, but now I'm 5 days away from that date, I don't even want to do it anymore.

 

3) Talk to people - ask people for their thoughts, offload, cry, whatever you need to do, it made me feel better every time rather than sit alone with my thoughts

 

4) Read stuff - read 'it's called a breakup because it's broken' an amazing book which is funny, honest and gives you practical help to get through it

 

5) look out for red flags next time. As much as I'd like to believe the 3 months were perfect, they weren't. Be careful and be prepared to walk away or at the very least question something if you're not sure.

 

6) understand that the old adage 'it's not you, its me' is famous for a reason. In my case my dumper had a lot of unresolved issues that seeped into the relationship when I just wanted us to get on and have an amazing time together. Don't blame yourself after a break up. Often it isn't you.

 

7) Keep busy. Get out there and live. Give yourself time to dwell and then go do stuff. Just going to work for 9 hours a day helped as I had to be professional.

 

I hope this helps.

[AllyStrass]

It sounds like that breakup was difficult, not ending in a great way. I am sorry!

All relationships are vulnerable, hence why it is so hard when they end. I commend you greatly for growing from the experience. It sounds like, although it was a really difficult time, that you found good ways of coping with it and growing through it. Talking to others and keeping busy are definitely two great ways of working through someting such as a break up, giving you time to grieve the loss with the support of others, but with the balance of keeping busy to have a focus of moving forward.

You have experience to encourage and support others as they walk the difficult road of relationship losses.

[Bryony999]

Thank You Ally, I really appreciate your response and yes, it has been tough but I hope I am able to offer some advice to others