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Dating with a disability


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Hi everyone, super happy to have found this website. I would appreciate your feedback. I am 31 years old, a young woman with Osteogenesis Imperfecta and I use a motorized wheelchair. I am a shorter stature than most adults, however, completely thankful for my life. I have accomplished many things, but truly believe in being a person that is selfless and humble. However, my dating track has been sort of one nightmare after another. Trying to evaluate why that is and how I can get to what I have hoped for. I dated gentlemen with and without disabilities. My last relationship ended two months ago (we dated since of May 2015), through a phone call from my then bf who shared me 1. He never wanted to be with me just needed a place to stay because he was losing his apartment, 2. How dare I tell anyone we were intimate imagine what people will say and think about him, 3. He should've never been with me because he knew I was sick, 4. He has standards, 5. And of course he was having sex with the woman I found out he was cheating on me with. 6. Move on your beautiful. 7. What relationship we never had one. I was devastated by his words as this was the person that told me he loved me all the time, cuddle with me at night, made love to me all the time, bought me flowers all the time, cooked all the time, had recently said he wanted to move back in with me. It has been for me a whirlwind of pain since that phone call. He has since semi apologized for being "too raw" and "he does care about me" in his words. I have however changed my number and hope to never see/speak with him again. Just want to assess whether such relationship debacles could be prevented? Any thoughts?

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Sorry to hear he was such a user and a scumbag. Take some time to heal from the pain before considering a new relationship.

 

I think that such stories can happen to any woman - both healthy and differently abled ones. Sometimes it's hard to tell good guys from a-holes, but what helps is taking time to get to know someone and not rushing things. I wouldn't trust anyone who advances too fast anymore. If the person is serious about you, they won't rush to move in, sleep together etc. Try to stay in the dating stage a bit longer, until you're sure about the guy's intentions. Even if you long for closeness and want to get intimate asap, try to think through before making decisions :)

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I guess he was making doubly sure you got the message, however he crossed the boundary from "We ain't ever getting back together" into the territory of bluntness, rudeness and plain horrible nastiness.

 

I know it is difficult not to take his words to heart, but you do now know he is most definitely NOT the man for you, he sounds awful, so try to use that as a way to help you move on.

 

Hugs.

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Hi and good morning Elaine, Thanks so much for your feedback. I definitely appreciate it. I agree with you- I have lost all respect for him in how he handle the situation and me as a person. What has made it difficult to completely start to move on from him is his family who are persistently in touch with me. Constant communication with them makes the hurt linger. They dont seem to understand that I want my space from them and his sister shared that "I have too much attitude". It all has been very overwhelming and hurtful.

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Hi Lorenza, good morning. Thank you also for your insight and suggestions. He was definitely very persistent from the beginning about many things but I realize now there was no sincerity behind it only manipulation. I have been in 5 relationships (3 longer term)- everyone that I have dated always has asked for a second chance years later but I have never ever done so. I feel a bit too jaded to get back into dating at the moment. But I am sure eventually I will be brave enough to venture back in, I hope to be a lot more aware.

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Hi and good morning Elaine, Thanks so much for your feedback. I definitely appreciate it. I agree with you- I have lost all respect for him in how he handle the situation and me as a person. What has made it difficult to completely start to move on from him is his family who are persistently in touch with me. Constant communication with them makes the hurt linger. They dont seem to understand that I want my space from them and his sister shared that "I have too much attitude". It all has been very overwhelming and hurtful.

 

I think you have to explain to them that you just can't deal with them just now as it hurts you too much. I am sure they feel the need to over compensate for your ex's behaviour.

If, after you lay your cards on the table, they still persistently try to keep in touch, you may need to start blocking them.

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Just want to assess whether such relationship debacles could be prevented? Any thoughts?

 

Sorry you went through this experience. What a total jerk! Unfortunately it sounds like this guy is just a user.

 

Not all guys are like that. The key is to recognize red flags early on. In this case, you had a guy in immediate need of shelter. If someone is facing the possibility of homelessness, they aren't in a position to be dating or starting a new relationship. They should be focused on stabilizing their life situation. Unfortunately, he stabilized his situation by moving in with you until he could find a different arrangement. If you want to avoid a repeat, avoid anyone needing housing, money, help with XYZ personal crisis . You're a total stranger they just met. What would they have done if they hadn't bumped into you? Why are they seeking out a stranger to help? Why won't their family and friends help them???

 

Screening and weeding out those who would not be good partners is key. Again, sorry you had to deal with someone who was cruel once he no longer needed your help.

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Hi Lorenza, good morning. Thank you also for your insight and suggestions. He was definitely very persistent from the beginning about many things but I realize now there was no sincerity behind it only manipulation. I have been in 5 relationships (3 longer term)- everyone that I have dated always has asked for a second chance years later but I have never ever done so. I feel a bit too jaded to get back into dating at the moment. But I am sure eventually I will be brave enough to venture back in, I hope to be a lot more aware.

 

Sounds like a plan. Most of us need a little time off to recover after a relationship ends.

 

And please don't get jaded because of one bad apple. From your own experience, you know most guys don't behave this despicably.

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I do agree with the overcompensation but, I also feel there is a selfishness to it as well. His family has stated they believe God let me date their brother (son) so that I could meet them and have a relationship with them. They have asked me for things at times. I think I must distance myself from them.

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I do agree with the overcompensation but, I also feel there is a selfishness to it as well. His family has stated they believe God let me date their brother (son) so that I could meet them and have a relationship with them. They have asked me for things at times. I think I must distance myself from them.

 

Time to block and ignore. You don't need more selfish people in your life right now. Like your ex, they don't seem to care that what they're doing is hurtful or that they're making things more difficult for you.

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Hi and Good Morning Angeleyes. Thanks so much for your feedback. What I have come to understand now is he was lying about many things from the start (however he seems to be a such pro at being dishonest that it is sad) 1. Having an apartment of his own, 2. Why he lost his apartment (eventually he shared a bogus story), 3. Having a legitimate job. He didn't share with me that he didnt have a place to stay until about 7 months in to us dating. We just spent a considerable amount of time together (which after a while I began to question him about he would always flip it to make it appear that I was asking him something inappropriate, most women would love to spend time with their boyfriends and would become argumentative). By then I realized something was off. However everything else in our relationship was great so that I was not as focused on why he spent so much time at my place and not his own. Otherwise we never had much disagreements at all.

Edited by LoveSponge31
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You deserve someone who can admire and love you. Never settle for any less. We all deserve love, yet we always seem to find it to be temporary or non-existent. For we all have flaws, but it is shameful for someone to take advantage of them.

 

I agree with Angel. This is an experience you shouldn't let traumatize you or degrade your self-worth or self-esteem. Let it be an experience for you to reminisce from, to alert you and remind you that people are different, some simply do not care.

 

I'm sure you will overcome this situation in due time. Wish you all the best.

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Thank you Darren, I appreciate your feedback. Everyday it's getting a little easier, but still feels heavy at times when something reminds me of the happier moments or reminds me of the hurt.

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Scarlett.O'hara
Just want to assess whether such relationship debacles could be prevented? Any thoughts?

 

Firstly, the things that your ex said are a reflection of his poor character, not yours.

 

Secondly, I noticed that you said you were selfless. This can be a problem in dating because the wrong people will try to take advantage of that so it would probably be a good idea to use the word "no" more often and don't give too much of yourself too soon.

 

In regards to how he took advantage of you, I would suggest in future to wait longer to move in with someone. Make sure they are self sufficient and independent and be wary of those looking for favors and taking advantage of generous nature.

 

Reassess your previous relationship and try to think of times where there were signs or red flags that he was taking advantage of you. If you can think of any, that might help you figure out what warning signs to look for in the future.

 

If in doubt, take things slow. The right guy will come along.

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Yes, you are totally right Scarlett O'Hara. Thank you. It is a trait that I have learned early on being one of ten children. Always giving, sharing and being flexible. I may exercise it automatically without realizing at times. Have to do a better job of regulating when and to whom it's appropriate. I do recognize now many of the red flags that I overlooked by always thinking everyone is good and cares (which truly I know isnt true some people really behave and think badly for endless reasons). But my spirit is still positive and hopeful just this was a rattling experience. Will continue to learn a ton.

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