Staying friends, but I have one request?

[outofleft]

Hey y'all!

 

To put a long story short, my ex and I broke up after about 9 months because we just couldn't figure out how to communicate with each other, he did some very hurtful things (including cheating on me) and to be quite honest he's just not emotionally mature enough to handle an emotional commitment at this point. That's fine, it's hard but we're friends now and I'm moving on. I know everyone here is all about NC, but I really do want to keep him in my life because he's a kind, intelligent guy and we have a lot of mutual friends and interests.

 

Anyway, I've been dating around a little, but my ex and I still see each other often (about once a week) and text most days. That's going pretty well, considering. The one thing that has been really stressing me out is this lasting remnant of jealousy, not for any people he wants to date, but for the person he cheated on me with. They talk sometimes, and this person keeps inviting my ex over and asking him to "hang out." My ex says he doesn't want to, but I question why he's keeping this door open if he really doesn't? It just upsets me out quite a bit, and it's really only with this one person. I'm totally happy for him to date or sleep around otherwise, just not with this one person.

 

My question is this: is it unreasonable for me, as an ex/friend, to ask him to put a lockdown on this person? Basically to send them a message explaining that it's nothing personal, but he's not going to do anything with them again and that this person should stop messaging him? He usually just doesn't respond when this person messages, but he's never done anything to indicate he's not interested anymore. They're not close, but they bump into each other a lot because their social circles overlap when they go out on the weekends. And honestly, I feel like even though we're broken up, if he cares about me at all as a friend it's the least he could do. On the other hand, is it asking too much as "just a friend?" Is it controlling, or just asking for common decency?

 

Anyway, do you guys have thoughts on this? Advice?

 

Please don't tell me to just go NC, I know that works in many situations and for many people but that's not what I want right now. If this turns out to be unresolvable maybe I'll change my mind but for the most part this friendship is working well.

[LD1990]

So he's a kind person, as long as you excuse all the unkind things he did to you?

 

Yes, it's unreasonable and silly for you to say anything about him talking to this girl. He didn't care about you enough when you two were a couple to avoid screwing her, why would he care enough now to stop talking to her?

[outofleft]

That's very cynical to say without knowing what actually happened. It was never really a huge deal to me, although it was upsetting at a kind of gut-jealousy level.

 

It only happened once, when he was very drunk and it was very brief. He left after a few minutes when he realized what he was doing. He called me immediately and told me, and we talked through it. We stayed together for almost two months after that, so it was by no means the last straw. To me the part of cheating that's the problem is the lying, and he's never lied about it. Everyone makes mistakes in the moment sometimes, especially when they're drunk.

 

Anyway, he's the kind of person who wants to make everyone happy. I've asked him why he still talks to this person, and he says he feels like it would be mean to just cut them out when they didn't do anything wrong. He really does believe that, I'm sure. Nonetheless, he'd probably do what I asked, if I asked it. My only question is *should* I?

[Survivor12]

No, you shouldn't.

[LargoLagg]

Hmmm...

 

Because 'tis the season, I was thinking tonight of something very much like this.

 

Once, an FWB of mine, one I'd seen for years, invited me to her company Christmas party. At that party, I met this woman who looked ripe for the taking. We talked for a while, and I invited her to follow me to the restroom to snort some coke. I had some other ideas in mind, and I'm quite certain she did too. I grabbed her hand and began to lead her there.

 

As I was walking her through the crowd, I felt another hand grab my free hand. I turned to my left to see who it was, and it was the FWB who had invited me. She asked if she could speak to me. With my eyes, I explained how I was in the middle of something, and could we please talk some other time? She just kept looking at me, as if to say "I know and I don't care."

 

I excused myself and promised my eager quarry that I'd be right back. I walked away with my FWB, and then a few steps away, she stopped me and said

 

"Largo Lagg, I've never asked this of you, but I do not want you to sleep with that woman. You can go home with anybody else at this party, or I'll go home with you instead if you want. But I'm asking you, DON'T YOU DARE sleep with HER."

 

I was about to explain about all the time I'd invested and how this woman was clearly willing, but there was something insistent and earnest in my FWB's face. It seemed like forever, but in a couple of seconds, I said

 

"OK Linda. Whatever you want." Then I kissed her on the cheek, and told her not to worry. I shook my head NO to my erstwhile conquest, who somehow seemed to understand what it all meant. I didn't take either of them home.

 

I guess the difference is that my FWB and I had an ongoing relationship that included sex and it began years before and lasted years afterwards. I'm not sure what might have happened if I'd disregarded her request, but it was so intense, I feel like it might have meant the end of what we had, and I wasn't willing to end that. It was definitely more important to her than it was to me, even though it seemed important to me at the time. She was special to me even though I wasn't in love with her. I was absolutely willing to do what she asked of me, given that she was asking so genuinely. I never forgot it, and I'm still glad that I did that for her.

 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can ask anything you want to ask, and there is a risk that comes with your request. You're about to find out just how much he thinks about his relationship with you.

Edited December 15, 2016 by LargoLagg

[basil67]

If you were still in a relationship with him, this would be a perfectly reasonable request. But you're not in a relationship anymore so the request is out of line. He should be able to see and sleep with whoever he likes - including her.

 

If you don't like his friendship/girlfriend/FWB choices, then it's best to move on without him.

 

Edited to add: I don't believe for a moment he's just being friends with her to be nice. He still wants her. Though he is telling you this story to be nice to you. This is why we all talk about no contact - it's to save from more hurt and lies further down the line,

Edited December 15, 2016 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh dear. OP, your naivety about this is alarming.

 

Yes, it is very unreasonable to ask him not to talk to her. Yes, it hurts that he obviously is still in communication with her but it's no longer your business.

This is why trying to be friends with you ex, especially one who cheated, is a bad idea.

 

Since you insist on being friends with this "kind man" who cheated on you, you will have nobody to blame but yourself when you feel awful finding out they're still having sex, or worse, dating. Don't think for a moment that's impossible. Heck, he might be seeing her right now and lying to you about it. If he's capable of cheating on you, he's capable of pulling the wool over your eyes now too. Harsh? Yes. But you're being your own worst enemy here. He's keeping her around because he obviously still likes her.

 

You are deeply in denial about your ex, I think. You need to detach from him and move on. Keeping in this close contact with him is not working, as you're seeing. Who he is banging or dating is not your concern anymore, and sadly, he owes you nothing any longer.

 

If he didn't care enough about you to not cheat, why would he care to protect your feelings now that you're his ex?

Edited December 15, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[Lorenza]

I agree with others that it's unreasonable to try to control your "friend's" personal life. Just as unreasonable as this whole friendship thing. You don't want to hear any advice about NC, because you still want to keep this illusion of a relationship with him but not cutting him out of your life is just gonna hurt you in the long run. Yes, it's "working out so well" right now because you can hide from reality by pretending he's still there, but he's not. He cheated and you two broke up.

[Blanco]

So you think a guy who cheated on you is going to oblige a request for him not to sleep with someone now that you two aren't together?

 

P.S. friends won't work. The fact that you're still (understandably) uncomfortable about him being around her should be a sign that you aren't really ready for friendship. It wouldn't bother you otherwise.

[Blanco]

By the way, him cheating on you should be a red flag that he'd make a pretty lousy friend.

[spiderowl]

Yes, it is unreasonable because you are no longer his girlfriend and he can choose who he wants to date and sleep with.

 

It still hurts you so seeing him with her will remain something of an open sore. You can avoid him or go no contact. It has to be your choice really.

[Satu]

The 'friends' idea is ridiculous.

 

Do you tell your other friends what they can and can't do, who they can and can't sleep with?

 

No.

 

You wouldn't do that with a friend.

 

You and he aren't friends.

 

You're ex's that still see each other.

 

 

 

Take care.