My ex said he still loves me, BUT .....

[Sofiakathy]

I stumbled across this forum whilst looking for some help on google.

 

Me and my ex had been best friends for 5 years. He helped me through some awful times and asked me to give him a go. I fell for him without really realising until I'd fallen hard. The main issue is we're a fair way away from each other. (Around 400KM)

 

We split up because his ex messaged me and said that he was still messaging her. He denied it, I believed him to a point, but not being together apart from every other weekend made me worry as I've been cheated on before.(His ex has admitted to me since she made it up and they messaged once about something relevant to her work.They're in the same field of work and she'd asked him for some impartial advice, which he'd offered.)

 

Anyway. We've kept in touch on and off, and over the last few weeks it's got very flirty. He's admitted he still loves me, but can't do the distance. Fine. I kind of got some sort of closure from knowing that, and even went on a date the beginning of this week. He found out and rang me heartbroken about it, asked how it was, & told me it was killing him that thought.

BUT, every time we text, it's always me starting the conversation. He always replies, is very flirty, but he never initiates. His phone is always in his hand, so if he wanted to text me he would? I'm not sure if I'm ready to get back involved if he's not prepared to even text me first.

 

I guess I just wanted some perspective. Is not texting first a real reason to not want to give things another go?!

[Blanco]

How often did you get to see each other while you were together?

 

I think he's right to be concerned/stuck on the distance. My first serious relationship was a LDR, and was actually about the same distance you and your ex have. It was nice when we could link up a couple times a month, but it wore both of us down as time went on and it became more clear that neither of us were that interested in relocating.

 

I would also keep in mind that LDR don't lend themselves well to accurate portrayals of what's real and what's perception. By that, I mean you can talk all you'd like and see each other once in a while and still not really know what the other person is like day-to-day.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

He might be jealous at the thought of you moving on with another guy but he isn't offering you an alternative is he? I mean, he hasn't directly asked to get back together, has he?

 

It appears that nothing has changed. He can't deal with the distance which explains why he doesn't initiate contact, but can't help but reply when you reach out because he still has feelings.

 

If he isn't fully committed then I think you are wise to start dating other people.

[elaine567]

Jealousy and not wanting to see you with other guys is very common in men and is no sign of care or of "love" . Men in general tend to hate the thought of "their" woman seeing other guys full stop. HE wants to be the most important person in your life even if you are not the most important thing in his.

Nothing else can be assumed.

 

He makes no effort - he initiates no texts, messages, calls, emails, letters. He has made no grand gestures, no offers of starting again.

He also hasn't turned up on your doorstep pleading for you to give him a chance, no plans to move closer, no "anything" that shows he really cares.

All you have is "I can't do the distance" and "I hate the thought of you with other guys", and a bit of "habit" flirting, none of which means he wants to start again.

He may say he loves you but words are just words, look at his actions here.

[BC1980]

Just to echo what's been said, don't mistake jealousy for wanting to be in a relationship with you. I had a guy act that way when we broke up. Jealous when he found out I was talking to someone else but didn't want to reconcile. It's more of an ego thing. The long distance thing is a problem unless one of you wants to move. Also, it's sometimes easy to romanticize a long distance relationship.