jorainbow Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 (edited) Im here to try and get some advice and thoughts on the madness I am trying to work out about my marriage. Last night my OH told me he hasnt been happy since May. We married in March. Though when pushed he decided it wasnt May, couldnt remember and 'in future I will keep a diary so I can tell you the specifics'. I have been oblivious to this and other than the fact I have been struggling to terms with him sleeping with a work colleague last year and I have tried to understand his sulking and childish behaviour when I talk about it (guilt?) we have been doing the things that married couples do - we are both in our 40's so no kids so we go away from breaks, cinema, meals, walks etc. So its all been a bit of a shock. I will add to the mix that last year I started with the menopause so things are up and down plus my eldest son decided to live in Australia. Last week I found his profile on a dating site. He denied it for 2 days but then decided to cough. His reason - he didnt want to hurt me! Though disrespecting me when all his details including when his uni assignment was due were there, he chose to try make me believe he had been hacked. That night he got completely drunk and ended up breaking his hand by hitting a picture frame. Why get so angry when youre at fault? And now the blame starts. I always ask him if he is happy, he says yes - daily. But I dont talk. Please dont get me wrong I am not perfect - I can snap sometimes but who cant when tired,anxious, struggling with hormones. I explain all this though so he knows if I am having a crappy day. I am seeing the GP and a counsellor so I am trying to get a handle on things. He twists things to make it always my decision but then accuses me of making unilateral decisions. I am now left confused and scared and thinking my short marriage has just been a waste? I am I think trying to make sense but is there any point when he can twist and manipulate things to such an extent? When I challenged him last night and said OK you tell me you werent going to take things further with this site it was just to talk, but you love me and marrying me was the best day of your life, when exactly where you going to talk to your wife. his answer? I would have just let it go on as it was. Really?? Any thoughts or guidance? I cant sleep and am constantly in tears. Edited December 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited for paragraphs ~ V 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 OP, I really think you need to get out of this marriage. He is a terrible husband and it's very clear he doesn't take you or the marriage seriously. He has told you himself he wants out. Let him go. File for divorce. You won't be able to make sense of it because he isn't someone guided by logic or sound judgment. I'm sorry this has happened to you. As a point of clarification, you two were a couple when he slept with another woman, correct? If so, please heed the warning signs in the future. That was your proof he wasn't invested in the relationship anymore. Getting married doesn't fix underlying problems like that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jorainbow Posted December 7, 2016 Author Share Posted December 7, 2016 Thanks i see that oh so clearly now. Sadly you cant file for divorce in first year and i cant force him to leave. He us contrite and 'very very sorry' so im left buding my time and starting to see a counsellor to work through the resulting ****. Ive got more angry than upset since i posted which im sure is a natural process! Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 Really question is what were you doing on the dating site? Or was it in the computers history? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jorainbow Posted December 7, 2016 Author Share Posted December 7, 2016 ???? Clearly computer history and logged in using the password we use for joint accounts etc. I dont do dating sites even when single!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jorainbow Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 Fast forward to now and he's still here. My anxiety and depression were compounded by the fact we had a car accident which he was partially responsible for plus after discussing the first dating site incident when he promised he was only doing it to chat as I wouldnt talk, he did it again a week later. The huge issue is why am I so scared to tell him to f off which every fibre of my body is screaming at me to do. We have tried marriage counselling and all he says is he should have tried to communicate more. About what? He doesnt say. He let things build up. What things? He cant say. I feel last year was a total sham and am constantly wondering if I am losing my mind as my recollection was lots of fab times with some times when I was struggling with his original infidelity.He even told the counsellor we went for a few walks yet I have reams of photos from days out all over the place! I mentioned I was unhappy the other day and since then he has played the silent treatment - refusing to eat with me, talk to me or sleep in the same bed. If I was reading this post and not writing it I would tell the OP to get the heck away as he has no respect, I think he is an emotional bully and he clearly doesnt understnad what it means to love someone though he says it all the time. I just feel so confused, low and wonder where the heck I have gone. Im starting to build things for myself, have things planned and work is great but this insistence in staying on a sinking ship seems to be an issue for me. I know it needs to end I just would appreciate some thoughts and advice - thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 Are you both working? Can you afford to leave? Can you file yet? This is going nowhere, time to jump ship... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jorainbow Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 Not yet for filing another 3 weeks. I'm sole tenant on the house and have been since 1993 so he'll have to leave. I do know it's going to happen. I'm just not sure I'm prepared for the fallout. That's my anxiety speaking though. Maybe I just need to toughen up! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 Go see an lawyer. You need to know your rights as it doesn't seem he is in a hurry to move as it suits him fine. If you start throwing him out he may bring the law down on you so you need to be prepared and know what you can or cannot do. If he scares you, then make sure you have others around when you deliver the eviction notice. Get the police involved if you feel you have to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 It sounds like he's not really in the marriage properly and has been dabbling on the side for a while. I doubt this has anything to do with you. The way he gets angry with you suggests to me that he's a volatile kind of person. I can understand why you are having doubts about him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 If you can't get a divorce ask for an annulment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jorainbow Posted March 10, 2017 Author Share Posted March 10, 2017 Thanks all. His behaviour over the last couple of days has shown he's not really interested in me bearing in mind I'm suffering from anxiety and he is being less than supportive. He doesn't scare me though I'm mindful he is volatile. I just wish I felt stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
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