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How do I make peace?


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I am not sure how to deal with what I have done. I guess I need some insights, if you feel like I was too stupid, too harsh, have zero self control please let me know. Also, do you think this guy was never serious about me anyway?

 

We dated for 9 months (LDR). He was amazing, we talked about future and whenever we hang out we couldnt keep our eyes and hands off each other. Few months ago, he started being distant and blamed it on his work and stress. I broke up with him two times (I know, I know). The first time, he apologized and kept explaining how busy and stressed he was. The next morning he kept texted me as if nothing happened. And our communication improved (but then got bad again). The second time I broke up he said the end would really hurt him and he didnt want it to end. We took a week break and made up (but he said he foresees similar pattern of communication as his work load is only increasing).

Finally, the third time I broke up he had enough. I called the next day and told him that this was difficult but I couldnt imagine dating anyone else. He said he wasnt sure what the solution would be the best but was willing to give us another shot. Then he said to sleep on it and talk about it the next day. I thought he would call, but when he didnt things became worse. Here is our conversation:

ME:

I thought you were supposed to call or text me yesterday. If you were busy, the least you could have done is to let me know.

Him:

I thought you were going to call.

Me:

I am almost sure you said: "I am going to call you or text you tomorrow." I might be wrong.

Him:

I thought it was the other way around, but regardless, that's not the issue at the moment. I think it will only get worse as time goes on. We are both stressing out. Your text today was in an angry tone. This is not the way I want to have a relationship.

I have to get back to work now. I'll be done around 930 pm my time. To be continued.

 

Then he got busy at work and asked me to reschedule conversation for the next day. The day after he texted me that he was with his friends and family and couldnt call. I said no problem.

5 days later I never heard from him so I texted him.

 

Me:What you did is highly disrespectful. The fact that things are not working out doesn't hurt nearly as much as what you did this past week. After talking for a year and a half, you couldn't bother enough to finish the conversation with me.

Him:

I'm sorry. I did not mean to be disrespectful. I didn't know how to approach the conversation. I am not good at that part. I wanted to talk about it but it was hard to find the words. The bottom line, after thinking about it for a while, I don't think it will work long term and that is painful to say.

Me:

You are right, it wouldn't . You confirmed what I knew from day one, but was overlooking and denying because I liked how I felt when with you. In long term, I would start resenting you.

Thanks for making it so much easier to let go

Him:

That is uncalled for, but I understand that you are upset. I am too. Either way, I don't appreciate taking hurtful stabs at the end. I wish you the best. Take care.

Me:

I would have never be this brutally honest but since you had zero consideration for me, I guess you should know how I felt and what I was putting up with

Him:

This is just going to drag out into a text argument. I don't wish to tarnish my view of you. If you feel that you had to "put up with me" then this is for the best.

Me:

I told you what I had. I have no intention of arguing. I didn't put up with you. I just never had high opinion of you. That's all. I was ok with it (kind of). What I am saying it would have turned into resentment and this is definitely for the best.

 

I am seriously ashamed of what I said to him but I was hurting. Now, the insanity is that deep down I still hope we can be together. He even suggested to be friends, keep in touch and try again when both of us are in better palces in our lives. I never agreed to that. But now, even that option seems impossible and I still hope.

Was he never into me? If he cared he would have changed what was bothering me instead of foreseeing similar communication in the future? :(

If I am insane and childish or whatever, dont hesitate to tell me that.

Edited by Iva0201
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You broke up with him three times, then proceeded to tell him you never had a high opinion of him.

 

I can't say that he was never into you, because there's not enough information about your relationship prior to this. But I can say that I don't expect he would be open to giving it another go after all of this. It clearly didn't work between you two, so it's better for you both to move on.

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You broke up with him three times, then proceeded to tell him you never had a high opinion of him.

 

I can't say that he was never into you, because there's not enough information about your relationship prior to this. But I can say that I don't expect he would be open to giving it another go after all of this. It clearly didn't work between you two, so it's better for you both to move on.

 

Well, we communicated daily but what bothered me is that he would on sometimes (not too often tho) initiate contact in the afternoon or he would even go the whole day without texting me. When I bring it up, he says he is slammed with work and barely functioning. Again, this used to happen maybe once or twice a month. The rest of the days he would text me good morning and we would talk throughout the day. But I have to say he wasnt as sweet as when we first started dating. And we were seeing each other every three months. January was the next time we were supposed to meet.

When I confronted him about being quiet the whole day, he said he was stressed, tired and only wanted to go home and take a shower. Was it so difficult to take 10 seconds and let me know he was busy?

As for telling him this horrible things... I couldnt believe he just left me hanging. He kept rescheduling conversation and then just dissapeared. Not to mentioned, he was talking about giving it another shot and two days later, he wasnt so happy about it.

Edited by Iva0201
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So as I understand it, you two spoke every day, he generally reached out to you first and you continued to communicate throughout the day. And maybe once a month he would get wrapped up with work and reach out in the afternoon.

 

How often did you initiate yourself?

 

Because if I have understood the situation correctly, then yes, I have to say that you were being quite ridiculous in getting upset when the odd time he wouldn't text you first in the morning. Life does get in the way sometimes, people do get stressed and busy, and it doesn't appear it was even a regular occurrence.

 

However, I agree with you that he should have just told you he wasn't interested in working this out rather than wait 5 days to say so. I could see him taking a couple of days to think things through, but it shouldn't have taken you contacting him to get to the bottom of it. I suppose, though, that his extended silence is further evidence that he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore.

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E

So as I understand it, you two spoke every day, he generally reached out to you first and you continued to communicate throughout the day. And maybe once a month he would get wrapped up with work and reach out in the afternoon.

 

How often did you initiate yourself?

 

Because if I have understood the situation correctly, then yes, I have to say that you were being quite ridiculous in getting upset when the odd time he wouldn't text you first in the morning. Life does get in the way sometimes, people do get stressed and busy, and it doesn't appear it was even a regular occurrence.

 

However, I agree with you that he should have just told you he wasn't interested in working this out rather than wait 5 days to say so. I could see him taking a couple of days to think things through, but it shouldn't have taken you contacting him to get to the bottom of it. I suppose, though, that his extended silence is further evidence that he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore.

 

I initiated maybe 1/4 of the conversations. Well, I know it sounds ridiculous to get upset over 1 or 2 days in a month. However, something else felt different. Not sure, if that was because he was stressed or something else was going on but he wasnt as sweet anymore. Miss you text were rare and he would be usually very enthusiastic about visiting each other. But this time he only briefly mentioned that his next free month would be Jan and we could plan something.

I begged him to tell me if he lost feelings, because long distance is hard and expensive and the last thing I wanted was to be with someone who wasnt sure about me. But he denied losing feeelings and even talked about closing the distance.

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What I am saying is I didnt feel safe in a relationship anymore. Something has changed. He claimed his work related stress was the reason and he still had feelings for me.

 

But if he really cared, wouldnt he make it obvious (regardless of stress and busy work schedule).

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You broke up with him three times and then told him that you didn't have a high opinion of him. Please tell me why you think he would want to get back together with you? If someone did is to you, would you be interested in staying in the relationship? I doubt it.

 

This relationship sounds like a lot of work. It is clearly not working for either of you. I would say move on... But as you do, you should spend some time thinking about what you want in a relationship and how to best develop a healthy relationship. You have some learning and growing to do from this experience...

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You broke up with him three times and then told him that you didn't have a high opinion of him. Please tell me why you think he would want to get back together with you? If someone did is to you, would you be interested in staying in the relationship? I doubt it.

 

This relationship sounds like a lot of work. It is clearly not working for either of you. I would say move on... But as you do, you should spend some time thinking about what you want in a relationship and how to best develop a healthy relationship. You have some learning and growing to do from this experience...

 

I broke up with him, but I called the next day and told him how I felt. I felt like in LDR conversation is all you have, and when he doesnt reach out it sucks. But then I told him, I cant imagine dating anyone else (even if it wpuld be easier to date locally, I dont want to). He thought about it and decided he didnt want me anymore.

I know he would never take me back. I am asking how to make peace with myself and the fact that I lost him. It hurts too much. I dont think I can ever feel the same about anyone else. :( :( :(

Edited by Iva0201
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You say that you're ashamed of how that conversation went down. Are you just ashamed of how it ended....or are you ashamed of the whole thing? Because from the very first line you wrote to him, it's obvious that you were angling for a fight. Instead of promoting civil conversation to find a solution, you were extraordinarily rude and aggressive.

 

Based on this conversation alone, he is 100% right to be concerned that there will be ongoing communication issues. There's no way that the two of you can solve issues together if this is how you start discussing something which you would like to solve.

 

He's also right to stay away from a person who breaks up instead of discussing the issues. Three strikes and you're out.

 

Lastly, you're expecting too much if you think he was going to change for you. Most of us are who we are. We can tweak ourselves to be better people *if we want to change*, but if we're not meeting each other's needs then it's simply a bad match.

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It seems you broke up with him because he would have patches of not communicating and it made you feel very insecure. If communication is important to you - and it is to many people - then this was never going to work for long.

 

What you said isn't ideal but we all say things we shouldn't when hurt. You are better off without a relationship that left you feeling insecure.

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I am not sure how to deal with what I have done. I guess I need some insights, if you feel like I was too stupid, too harsh, have zero self control please let me know. Also, do you think this guy was never serious about me anyway?

 

We dated for 9 months (LDR). He was amazing, we talked about future and whenever we hang out we couldnt keep our eyes and hands off each other. Few months ago, he started being distant and blamed it on his work and stress. I broke up with him two times (I know, I know). The first time, he apologized and kept explaining how busy and stressed he was. The next morning he kept texted me as if nothing happened. And our communication improved (but then got bad again). The second time I broke up he said the end would really hurt him and he didnt want it to end. We took a week break and made up (but he said he foresees similar pattern of communication as his work load is only increasing).

Finally, the third time I broke up he had enough. I called the next day and told him that this was difficult but I couldnt imagine dating anyone else. He said he wasnt sure what the solution would be the best but was willing to give us another shot. Then he said to sleep on it and talk about it the next day. I thought he would call, but when he didnt things became worse. Here is our conversation:

ME:

I thought you were supposed to call or text me yesterday. If you were busy, the least you could have done is to let me know.

Him:

I thought you were going to call.

Me:

I am almost sure you said: "I am going to call you or text you tomorrow." I might be wrong.

Him:

I thought it was the other way around, but regardless, that's not the issue at the moment. I think it will only get worse as time goes on. We are both stressing out. Your text today was in an angry tone. This is not the way I want to have a relationship.

I have to get back to work now. I'll be done around 930 pm my time. To be continued.

 

Then he got busy at work and asked me to reschedule conversation for the next day. The day after he texted me that he was with his friends and family and couldnt call. I said no problem.

5 days later I never heard from him so I texted him.

 

Me:What you did is highly disrespectful. The fact that things are not working out doesn't hurt nearly as much as what you did this past week. After talking for a year and a half, you couldn't bother enough to finish the conversation with me.

Him:

I'm sorry. I did not mean to be disrespectful. I didn't know how to approach the conversation. I am not good at that part. I wanted to talk about it but it was hard to find the words. The bottom line, after thinking about it for a while, I don't think it will work long term and that is painful to say.

Me:

You are right, it wouldn't . You confirmed what I knew from day one, but was overlooking and denying because I liked how I felt when with you. In long term, I would start resenting you.

Thanks for making it so much easier to let go

Him:

That is uncalled for, but I understand that you are upset. I am too. Either way, I don't appreciate taking hurtful stabs at the end. I wish you the best. Take care.

Me:

I would have never be this brutally honest but since you had zero consideration for me, I guess you should know how I felt and what I was putting up with

Him:

This is just going to drag out into a text argument. I don't wish to tarnish my view of you. If you feel that you had to "put up with me" then this is for the best.

Me:

I told you what I had. I have no intention of arguing. I didn't put up with you. I just never had high opinion of you. That's all. I was ok with it (kind of). What I am saying it would have turned into resentment and this is definitely for the best.

 

I am seriously ashamed of what I said to him but I was hurting. Now, the insanity is that deep down I still hope we can be together. He even suggested to be friends, keep in touch and try again when both of us are in better palces in our lives. I never agreed to that. But now, even that option seems impossible and I still hope.

Was he never into me? If he cared he would have changed what was bothering me instead of foreseeing similar communication in the future? :(

If I am insane and childish or whatever, dont hesitate to tell me that.

 

I don't do anything 3 times unless it's fun . . . C'mon. People don't do things unless there is some benefit or "anticipated" benefit -- in this case, the hope that the guy would run after you, change into the person you wanted him to be, etc.

 

And, if you end a relationship, you do it with grace, dignity/respect. Take the high road. This guy basically told you that you weren't leaving him with a very high opinion of YOU. I don't wish to tarnish my view of you You gave your Power away. When you make an exit this way, you just become the "crazy ex" instead of, perhaps, the one that got away.

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How much did you actually see each other in person?

 

Breaking up three times in nine months seems excessive, specially in a LDR.

 

It's excessive in any relationship . . . it's about stringing yourself along in any situation.

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It's excessive in any relationship . . . it's about stringing yourself along in any situation.

 

I agree, but I try to be diplomatic in the beginning of new threads. ;)

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I agree, but I try to be diplomatic in the beginning of new threads. ;)[/quote.

 

Diplomacy is nice :) I support a little sugarcoating sometimes. However, in cases like this one, any kind of sugarcoating usually strings the thread along :) This is not the OP's first "rodeo" with this guy . . . it's time for her to ride the bull for the full 8 seconds . . .

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How much did you actually see each other in person?

 

Breaking up three times in nine months seems excessive, specially in a LDR.

We saw each other 5 times in 9 months (each time about 5-7 days and it was the most amazing time I ever had). Never got mad or upset with each other. The last visit, however, something felt different. During that visit, I asked him what would be our next step ( meaning next time we meet). He understood I was asking for closing the distance or taking our relationship to the next step. Not sure if that was the reason but he became little distinct.

For example, before he would keep talking how we can manage to survive a year apart, how it would be worth to travel to see aech other, time will fly, etc. The last time he wasnt so sure. He was focused on the negative aspects of long distance.

All that, with everything else I said in my previous posts made me insecure. And I wasnt exactly breaking up with him. I would actually bring it up (not using the best words though). I would say "this is not working for me. It is 4pm and I havent heard from you. I feel bad in this relationship, not sure how we can continue....." Then he would start giving me excuses.

 

In his defense, when we started dating, he would go out all the time, take shorts trips with hos friends and send me pics from different places. Recently, when he started being distant he also stopped going out or doing anything fun because, as he said he had to give this job 100% of himself.

Edited by Iva0201
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We saw each other 5 times in 9 months (each time about 5-7 days and it was the most amazing time I ever had). Never got mad or upset with each other. The last visit, however, something felt different. During that visit, I asked him what would be our next step ( meaning next time we meet). He understood I was asking for closing the distance or taking our relationship to the next step. Not sure if that was the reason but he became little distinct.

For example, before he would keep talking how we can manage to survive a year apart, how it would be worth to travel to see aech other, time will fly, etc. The last time he wasnt so sure. He was focused on the negative aspects of long distance.

All that, with everything else I said in my previous posts made me insecure. And I wasnt exactly breaking up with him. I would actually bring it up (not using the best words though). I would say "this is not working for me. It is 4pm and I havent heard from you. I feel bad in this relationship, not sure how we can continue....." Then he would start giving me excuses.

 

In his defense, when we started dating, he would go out all the time, take shorts trips with hos friends and send me pics from different places. Recently, when he started being distant he also stopped going out or doing anything fun because, as he said he had to give this job 100% of himself.

 

when he started being distant he also stopped going out or doing anything fun because, as he said he had to give this job 100% of himself -- B*llsh*t. Another excuse . . . keep moving this time. All the "other" times you broke up with him, you were testing him.

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when he started being distant he also stopped going out or doing anything fun because, as he said he had to give this job 100% of himself -- B*llsh*t. Another excuse . . . keep moving this time. All the "other" times you broke up with him, you were testing him.

 

I actually do believe him that he wasnt going out or doing anything fun anymore. For example, around 11pm, I would ask would are you up to? And he would say that he was still at work and then actually take a picture to explain how his work was progressing (he is a project manager). Or sometimes, he would have his friend over (because he is too tired to go out) and he would send me a picture of the two of them. And he was also replying to my texts within a minute or two.

But, what I cant accept is the excuse that work is his priority and he is too stressed. We are long distance. How difficult it could be to show me that you care. It wasnt even about the number of texts. It was about the way he communicates, how he used to let me know he misses me, or how he used to plan visits. That was almost nonexistent in the last few months.

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I actually do believe him that he wasnt going out or doing anything fun anymore. For example, around 11pm, I would ask would are you up to? And he would say that he was still at work and then actually take a picture to explain how his work was progressing (he is a project manager). Or sometimes, he would have his friend over (because he is too tired to go out) and he would send me a picture of the two of them. And he was also replying to my texts within a minute or two.

But, what I cant accept is the excuse that work is his priority and he is too stressed. We are long distance. How difficult it could be to show me that you care. It wasnt even about the number of texts. It was about the way he communicates, how he used to let me know he misses me, or how he used to plan visits. That was almost nonexistent in the last few months.

 

It's still bull**** and just feeding you something, anything, to keep you "interested".

 

How difficult it could be to show me that you care -- If he cared, he would show you.

 

he would send me a picture of the two of them -- He could send you a picture of them but not send something that showed he cared about you.

 

C'mon, sweetie, let this go.

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It's still bull**** and just feeding you something, anything, to keep you "interested".

 

How difficult it could be to show me that you care -- If he cared, he would show you.

 

he would send me a picture of the two of them -- He could send you a picture of them but not send something that showed he cared about

C'mon, sweetie, let this go.

 

I agree. Before, he would send me cute texts or pics in the middle of the night to make me smile when I wake up. It is not too much and made me happy.

But when, it is 11pm and you havent heard from your SO (even if it was only one day), it just sucks.

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I agree. Before, he would send me cute texts or pics in the middle of the night to make me smile when I wake up. It is not too much and made me happy.

But when, it is 11pm and you havent heard from your SO (even if it was only one day), it just sucks.

 

It is not too much and made me happy. -- You need to hold yourself to higher standards. What he does, it about "candy". You get a "sugar" high and then you wait for the next high. It's "virtual addiction".

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It is not too much and made me happy. -- You need to hold yourself to higher standards. What he does, it about "candy". You get a "sugar" high and then you wait for the next high. It's "virtual addiction".

Not exactly. He was always sweet (till he wasnt). But in addition to words, hos actions also matched. We would go on a trip and during our first day together, he would try to schedule next visit. Then, if I say I am busy most of the time, he would reschedule his work and free the days when I am free. He would also give me options and ask me where I want to go. I felt it was all about me being happy.

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Someone who's "too busy" to maintain a LDR is either not interested or should not be in a relationship. I know people who have a ton on their plate, but still make relationships workable because they're invested in the other person and relationship.

 

It sounds like you're making excuses for this guy as a means of ignoring the most likely answer: His interest has faded.

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Someone who's "too busy" to maintain a LDR is either not interested or should not be in a relationship. I know people who have a ton on their plate, but still make relationships workable because they're invested in the other person and relationship.

 

It sounds like you're making excuses for this guy as a means of ignoring the most likely answer: His interest has faded.

I am not making excuses. If I believed in his excuse too busy I would have still been in a relationship.

What bugs me is that I cannot pinpoint what exactly was wrong. He was still contacting me daily (few times a day), we were still planning to meet but it just seemed that all the enthusiasm had faded.

When you say "is either not interested or should not be in a relationship" this reminds me that he offered to be friends for a while and try again when we are both in a better place. He told me that he has too much on his plate and doesnt want to lose me completely.

But I took it as his way to pull away gradually, so I told him no. Then he agreed to keep doing what we were doing (meet every two months and talk daily).

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