"I want you to see other people so you know if you want me or not"

[Viking]

This was the line my ex girlfriend gave me a little while after breaking up with me. We broke up back on Nov 07, 2016 after being together since March 2012. At first I was very OK with the breakup and probably acted quite nonchalant which really hurt her. About 1-1.5 weeks later I had a 180 degree flip with my emotions and began to feel all the normal breakup feelings one associates with being broken up.

 

We've had a handful of serious discussions as to what we want to do about our relationship in the future. We both stated we wanted to work on our own personal issues (I have a temper, I have a problem "hoarding" random stuff, I am disorganized, I am a commitment-phobe) and after we work on our personal issues, we'll look at perhaps going on dates and dating/courting again.

 

She is moving out soon, and her living with me has been difficult. I began to want to talk to her and let my emotions out. She spent Thanksgiving with her family and I went to a friend's as I wasn't working this year. I texted her that I missed her and she replied that she missed me. I also wrote a long letter to her about what my hopes for the future with her held, that I was going to work on my issues, and that I felt like I was going to lose the most important thing to me in the world if I lost her. I also addressed my issues in the letter.

 

The day after Thanksgiving, I was feeling all eaten up inside and needed to talk to her, so I met up with her and we had an hour long conversation and I asked her to be brutally honest and tell me if she really wanted to work on our relationship or if she was telling me that to make me feel "better" about the break up. She stated she honestly wants to work on the relationship, but that she has to get through the stress of finals and her mom's surgery before she can even address the relationship and having a date. So, she said to let her have her weekend away with friends after finals week and the week at her parent's before her mom gets surgery and the week afterward, we could spend some time together when she isn't bogged down with school and family stuff.

 

The thing that nags at me (aside from my lack of effort for the past few months which I know contributed to our relationship crumbling) is that she told me she wants me to see other girls so that I would know if she's the one I want to be with or if I am just blind to the relationship. She did state she didn't want me to hookup with any of them, but that she wanted me to go out. To me, this means she wants the freedom to explore other guys, but she stated she wasn't interested in dating anyone aside from me and that she just wants me to be sure in what I want.

 

Am I being stupid and naive to thing that she's that "open" and wants me to be sure or am I just over complicating things?

[ExpatInItaly]

That makes absolutely no sense. Sorry, but a woman who really wants to work on things would never dream of telling you to see other women.

 

You are not naive to think she's saying this so she can be free to date others. That's precisely what's happening. She is the one who isn't sure about you and she is the one wanting to test the dating waters, despite what she's telling you.

[Been]

That's a tricky one. On one hand I think she is full of it and the other maybe she is serious.

Why is she still living with you?I think that might answer some questions I have.

If you know what you want then tell her. She either respects it or doesn't.

She either wants to be with you or she doesn't.

[l8estnews]

Actually, people can be like that. I don't see that girl being "manipulative" on this one. As a person who is very afraid to commit, I can imagine myself doing this. For me, this can be an emotional preservation.

 

The girl is surely not into you as of the moment, meaning she has lost that pull to you but not necessarily have fallen out of love to you. But if I am not sure that you really that into me, this is the perfect time for me to see if you really are into me. (I don't know if that makes sense) I would want you to see other women, and if you get hooked up or have feelings for them, then for me I would consider that as dodging a bullet. You are really not that into me.

 

However, if just in case you did date a lot of women, but you still want me, then I guess that would be an assurance that even if there are choices out there, you will still choose me because you really love me. And if I will see that, if you can make me see that, then I guess I will have that motivation to open up myself to you and make myself completely vulnerable because you've "assured" me that you love me.

 

-------------------

 

Typing that up, it seems a bit immature and insecure. But I am insecure and I guess, still immature. But there's a lot of us like this out there.

[BluesPower]

Naw OP, I think she is setting you up... Maybe not, but it is strange.

 

Here is the deal IMHO. If you have issues, fix them. If you need therapy then get therapy.

 

I think the way that she is acting is sketchy and strange.

 

You could just wait around and see if she screws you over or not. That may be a valid option.

 

Some of what she says sounds like she wants to or is checking out other guys to see if she can find a replacement for you.

 

I could be wrong this is just one mans opinion.

 

This whole thing just seems off to me for some reason...

[Kelley]

I would never tell a man that I wanted to be in a relationship with to see other women. Why would I risk losing my man to another woman? It doesn't sound very mature to me, you work through it, if you want a man you work out your problems not jeopardise your relationship. You are worth fighting for, not pushed away.

[Redhead14]

This was the line my ex girlfriend gave me a little while after breaking up with me. We broke up back on Nov 07, 2016 after being together since March 2012. At first I was very OK with the breakup and probably acted quite nonchalant which really hurt her. About 1-1.5 weeks later I had a 180 degree flip with my emotions and began to feel all the normal breakup feelings one associates with being broken up.

 

We've had a handful of serious discussions as to what we want to do about our relationship in the future. We both stated we wanted to work on our own personal issues (I have a temper, I have a problem "hoarding" random stuff, I am disorganized, I am a commitment-phobe) and after we work on our personal issues, we'll look at perhaps going on dates and dating/courting again.

 

She is moving out soon, and her living with me has been difficult. I began to want to talk to her and let my emotions out. She spent Thanksgiving with her family and I went to a friend's as I wasn't working this year. I texted her that I missed her and she replied that she missed me. I also wrote a long letter to her about what my hopes for the future with her held, that I was going to work on my issues, and that I felt like I was going to lose the most important thing to me in the world if I lost her. I also addressed my issues in the letter.

 

The day after Thanksgiving, I was feeling all eaten up inside and needed to talk to her, so I met up with her and we had an hour long conversation and I asked her to be brutally honest and tell me if she really wanted to work on our relationship or if she was telling me that to make me feel "better" about the break up. She stated she honestly wants to work on the relationship, but that she has to get through the stress of finals and her mom's surgery before she can even address the relationship and having a date. So, she said to let her have her weekend away with friends after finals week and the week at her parent's before her mom gets surgery and the week afterward, we could spend some time together when she isn't bogged down with school and family stuff.

 

The thing that nags at me (aside from my lack of effort for the past few months which I know contributed to our relationship crumbling) is that she told me she wants me to see other girls so that I would know if she's the one I want to be with or if I am just blind to the relationship. She did state she didn't want me to hookup with any of them, but that she wanted me to go out. To me, this means she wants the freedom to explore other guys, but she stated she wasn't interested in dating anyone aside from me and that she just wants me to be sure in what I want.

 

Am I being stupid and naive to thing that she's that "open" and wants me to be sure or am I just over complicating things?

 

she wants me to see other girls so that I would know if she's the one I want to be -- Oh, how very noble of her . . . and manipulative. Paleeze. She setting you up. She wants out, so she tells you to date others so that she can use it against you and get the "out" she wants without being the bad guy. She wants you to fall on the sword.

[Viking]

I kinda figured it would be her way of gently letting me down. Letting me "discover" my freedom through other girls while she fades into the distance. I haven't seen her in a few days, so it helps. I haven't contacted her either, so I have no idea what she is doing.

 

I intend to just see where things take me. I've been talking with a few girls off tinder and OKC just to get a little anxiety out from feeling like I'm losing the only girl in the world. One of them is even into many of the same things I am and we have had some good convos.

 

One thing I've found is that a lot of the girls on tinder are pretty young compared to me (I'm 31). Things I've got going for me are good though (decent looking, employed in a great job with lots of potential, educated, bilingual). I think women look at a guy in his early thirties and see more of a keeper than someone in his twenties.

 

Anyway, that aside, I'm enjoying my free time, however I do get bouts of anxiety when I think about the loss I am dealing with. It is not easy losing your partner after more than 4.5 years together. I will keep this updated as to what transpires, either way. I may have to come back to it after a lengthy pause, but we will see.

[PegNosePete]

What the heck? I would tell her that she can either have her cake and eat it. Either:

 

a) You are together and you will be faithful to each other.

 

b) You are not together and you can do as you please and she has no right to tell you whether you should see others or not, and hookup with others or not.

 

Why are you telling her tell you what to do and control your life when you're not even together? This seems like madness to me. You're getting all the disadvantages of being in a relationship, without any of the benefits! Lose-lose!

[Viking]

What the heck? I would tell her that she can either have her cake and eat it. Either:

 

a) You are together and you will be faithful to each other.

 

b) You are not together and you can do as you please and she has no right to tell you whether you should see others or not, and hookup with others or not.

 

Why are you telling her tell you what to do and control your life when you're not even together? This seems like madness to me. You're getting all the disadvantages of being in a relationship, without any of the benefits! Lose-lose!

 

When it comes to relationships, especially when breakups occur, I am oftentimes weak willed. I know it is a problem I have. However, I am pursuing other women and putting myself back together with the chance that we don't get back together, I will at least be a more complete and less broken person. I'm hoping I can address my problems so that way I'm in a good spot for whomever I'm with, not just her.

 

I've got one date lined up this weekend, possibly three. Depends on these other girls.

[PegNosePete]

Good for you! Don't pay any attention to your EX's words. She has no power over you now, you can do as you please.

 

Good luck with the date(s)

[VeveCakes]

You are going out dating before your ex is even moved out....you should take some time to yourself and be alone. It's not fair to these girls you are going to date when you aren't even remotely even accepting that your current relationship is over.

 

Don't fill a void with a new person. Take time to heal, find yourself before you re enter the dating game. It's not just about you, think about the girls you will be dating.

[Lizabigs]

I would never tell a man that I wanted to be in a relationship with to see other women. Why would I risk losing my man to another woman? It doesn't sound very mature to me, you work through it, if you want a man you work out your problems not jeopardise your relationship. You are worth fighting for, not pushed away.

 

 

 

Me either!

[fromheart]

 

I've got one date lined up this weekend, possibly three. Depends on these other girls.

 

Good for you. And if the ex comes back tell her you're really enjoying your freedom thank you very much, and if you ever want to hook up and have fun, give me a shout. Got to get back to work/gym/study goodnight...

[central]

The thing that nags at me (aside from my lack of effort for the past few months which I know contributed to our relationship crumbling) is that she told me she wants me to see other girls so that I would know if she's the one I want to be with or if I am just blind to the relationship. She did state she didn't want me to hookup with any of them, but that she wanted me to go out. To me, this means she wants the freedom to explore other guys, but she stated she wasn't interested in dating anyone aside from me and that she just wants me to be sure in what I want.

 

Am I being stupid and naive to thing that she's that "open" and wants me to be sure or am I just over complicating things?

 

She really could be that open. Obviously, she still cares about you, but doesn't feel that you are fully committed to the relationship, given your recent behavior. Your change of heart after she left could either be a sincere reversal of your indifference, or simply a knee-jerk, fear-based response to being alone. She wants to know, and even more important, she needs YOU to know for sure which it is before taking another chance on you and ending up hurt.

 

 

My wife and I did something similar in the early days of our dating (not well into a relationship like you, but I can see that happening where you begin to take each other for granted). She had almost zero dating experience, and had recently gotten out of a really bad marriage. She did not want to make the same mistakes again because of inexperience. I seemed too good to be true, so she needed perspective. I was sure about her, though, but I'd had enough experience and basis for comparison. So, we decided we'd both date others and figure it out. After a few months, she was sure - that was 16 years ago, and we're still going strong.

 

 

So, the point is, she may have a point. Agree to the rules, and stick to them - both of you. In my case, we had no rules - and that was key to our situation, and led to some very interesting experiences. Like some others have suggested, don't agree to rules unless you also want them. But, if you want her back, then you may have to compromise, else by default you're choosing to move on.

Edited December 6, 2016 by central

[fromheart]

So, she said to let her have her weekend away with friends after finals week and the week at her parent's before her mom gets surgery and the week afterward, we could spend some time together when she isn't bogged down with school and family stuff.

 

 

This is the sign of a low interest. Once a woman backs away, you must always back away yourself. You've said you wanted to work on it, but in the here and now she's not responding.

 

Telling you to see other girls, and then going away with friends instead of you, after her finals. Thats the sign of a woman who's got another man lined up, or at least is about to play the field.

 

'We can spend some time together when I'm not hanging out with my friends, you go chase other girls.' She's not being fully honest herself, preferring a gradual dissolution of the relationship with you as back up. Your move is to back off and give her the gift of missing you.

 

Tell her to give you a call if she changes her mind, but you're not interested in a friendship or F buddy. Then walk on with complete NC.

[LargoLagg]

If any girl ever said that to me, I'd tell her that based on that one decision alone, I don't need to see any other girls to know, I will make my decision right now.

 

What you should probably tell her is that in order to see enough girls to make an informed decision, you're going to need about 5 years of space, and that you'll give her a call after that.

[jstar845]

It’s understandable the concerns that you have about you and your ex- girlfriend. I can tell that both of you care about each other. Thus, a plus to this situation is that your ex-girlfriend was honest with you. Therefore, from reading your post it seems that she is dedicated to her studies in college and to her mother for her surgery. I know it’s tough for you right now. You’ll clearly a strong person. Additionally, it’s good that she has dedicated the time to her studies and to her mother. Based on your post it seems your ex-girlfriend needs time for herself and this time can be undefined. Have you thought about evaluating what you want in this relationship?. I hope this helps.

[Viking]

Well, last night I guess she came home (I've taken the downstairs spare bedroom, she kept the master bedroom upstairs) and I didn't even know she was home. I'm sitting at my laptop just reading online and the door is open. She called out to me to announce she was home for some reason (its been five+ days since I saw her). I asked her if her time away was good and she said she had fun meeting up with her "guildies" (friends from her World of Warcraft guild, she used to be paid to play).

 

Aside from a brief conversation that she initiated, that's the only contact I've had with her in the last five days. The NC was going well, and I even have begun to feel better. I am just trying to rebuild myself and reach out to friends again, so that way I can either continue on with the path I'm already taking toward healing or if we do get back together, I have a better relationship with my friends again and she will be more included.

 

I have a bad habit of compartmentalizing my feelings, where I can easily place stuff out of mind. I have a job where I work at least 8 hours/day, six days a week, and sometimes as much as 16 hours per day. This past week, I will have had five days of overtime for a total of roughly 15 hours of overtime and none on my 6th day. I am a workaholic and know it can be bad, but my personality is that.

[whatdeww18]

Well this situation kind of speaks to me except I said the line that your ex said to my ex:

I'm also a workaholic and I didn't treat my ex that well in the last couple months in terms of small little things and showing my affection.

So he broke up with me and I've been having the whole, I need to look at myself and what I've been doing wrong and stuff.

So I understand what you're going through and that your affection is there and sometimes our feelings take some time to really come through when we know it's there.

 

To understand what your ex said, I said it to my ex while I broke NC after 10 days. I had a family emergency and had to talk someone, and he is the closest person in terms of connection. We got to talking and somehow we got to the topic of us meeting friends/dating. Before he could say anything else, I cut him off and just told him that I do not want to be here to hold him back from meeting people and experiencing more of the world. Granted we are each other's first, (we're both mid twenty's haha and dated for ~3 years). But the only reason I said this was so that he could get experience. IT WOULD KILL ME TO SEE HIM WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I would rather have someone just rip my heart out. But I figured that if I held him back somehow, even if we are broken up, that he would grow to resent me. I don't want him to come back to a relationship, if he does want to, feeling like he has to. Rather, if experiencing other relationships was his goal and he didn't enjoy it, he would ask to be my boyfriend again because he wants to. And I felt that him distancing himself was because of this thought. As the other person in the relationship, we can't guess what the other person thinks when they distance themselves and don't really tell us too much. Maybe she didn't realize that you compartmentalize your feelings and that you got comfortable with the relationship.

 

She said she wants to work on the relationship after finishing everything like finals and her mom's surgery. I AM IN THE SAME BOAT. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING RELATIONSHIP RELATED BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY CANNOT STUDY WHILE I THINK ABOUT IT. So moving on has been the last priority while I struggle with finals and a death in the family. Just give her time and reflect on things that you can do to improve the relationship. Don't over analyze things either. Also, I may be one of those goodie two shoes that doesn't do the whole stringing along, try to get my ex back with every trick in the book, want to sleep with other people, type of people so take what I say with a grain of salt haha.

Wishing you the best of luck

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

[HorseLuck]

Hmm, I don't know if it's her wanting to seek out other men. I told my ex that he should meet other girls, and that I might not be the right one for him. That being said, it was because he was giving me reasons to doubt his interest and also due to insecurity on my part. I felt like I needed some reassurance. If he did in fact move on it would hurt. What I really wanted to hear was the dedication on his part to work with me. Turns out he did need some more experience because he proved he wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

 

Give her the space she's requesting. Stick to NC. This time spent apart may be an eye opener for you.

Edited December 9, 2016 by HorseLuck

[spiderowl]

I can understand you being confused about your girlfriend's real intentions. The bit about seeing other girls seems odd. The only thing I can think of that might have sparked this is that you mention you have commitment issues. If she felt that you were not committing to her, she might have thought it was time to cut you loose so you can find out for sure if she is the one for you or not. But, this is a very painful thing for her to do to herself as well as you, so it suggests she's had enough of the way things were. Maybe the lack of commitment finally got to her. Whatever it is, no-one goes through the distress and upheaval of a break up if they don't really mean it, whatever she says.

 

You mentioned you had issues. I presume from that that she brought these to your attention and asked you to change them. These could be reasons why she is opting out. It is usually an accumulation of things that causes someone's feelings to change about a partner and not necessarily anything they have done wrong. It can be a general sense of incompatibility or different values/attitudes.

 

I am sorry this has happened. I would not hang onto the idea that this is only temporary or that she wants you to see if you prefer anyone else, though as I mentioned earlier, she could be mightily fed up that you have not committed to her by now. We don't know the whole story so can only comment on the information you have given us.

[CelticGibson]

She is telling you that she wants to see other people to see if there are other options besides you. No woman or man would ever dream of suggesting that someone they still think of in romantic terms should go out and date others. Ask yourself if you would tell her to do the same. I bet you wouldn't...

[PrettyEmily77]

When I first got together with my latest ex, I considered telling him something along those lines - he was a year out of a 16 year marriage and I was his first relationship since so I was freaking about being a 'rebound', or whatever it's called.

 

I'm glad I didn't ask him but in hindsight, I may have been questioning my own level of commitment to him unconsciously. There was no one else at the time and there still isn't now after a few months apart, so it wasn't a case of projecting or wanting to see other people myself, but it definitely was a bad omen.

 

So yeah, maybe her intentions aren't bad, but it's revealing an underlying issue all the same.

 

Not sure what the best of course of action is in your case, but from experience it's probably safer to assume the worse and start detaching yourself for good.