No Contact workarounds?

[Temperature]

Hello everyone,

 

Basically she left me like 12 days ago, with a excuse that she doesn't know what she actually wants and that she needs time to work on herself(she was crying and she felt guilty). Throughout relationship we were talking and planning big stuff for our joint future, so it was hell of a surprise for me.

Asking her straight away about posibillity of her coming back her answer was maybe yes and maybe not, sort of.

 

I haven't cotacted her since, except one time where some ppl suggested me to test her. So I tested her with message: " Hey, since there is third person involved only fair would have been that you ended this much earlier!"

She didnt respond on my message, which is an answer by itself.

 

I want your opinion especially if you experienced something similar? I still love her more then anything and somehow hoping for her to "sober up"...

 

Christmas is upcoming, I wanna know should I avoid calling her to say Merry Christmas or what? - Is it sort of breaking no contact rule or is it giving her a window of opportunity to change things??

 

Please help!

[Zahara]

Christmas is upcoming, I wanna know should I avoid calling her to say Merry Christmas or what? - Is it sort of breaking no contact rule or is it giving her a window of opportunity to change things??

 

Please help!

 

Don't call her. NC is for you to heal -- to find mental clarity, to help you manage your emotions, to help you slowly digest the reality of your situation and come to acceptance. The reality is that she has ended it with you.

 

Hold on to your self-respect and keep moving forward.

[DarrenB]

'No Contact' is self explanatory in the name itself. No contact whatsoever, that includes sending a welcome message, mail, letter, call during the festive period.

 

A lot of people assume initiating no contact will benefit them in getting their previous partner to reconcile with them. Sometimes that may be the case, but it's not the actual purpose of doing it.

 

Like Zahara has stated, the whole aspect of initiating 'No Contact' is to help you with your process of healing and coping without being involved with the other person in any way. Ultimately helping you accept the inevitable when it comes to ending a relationship and showing you that you're completely capable of not needing to reconcile with people from the past. Those of who choose to not be invested in your future, should remain in your past and a distant memory.

[HorseLuck]

It is breaking NC and it isn't giving her any sort of opportunity to change things. Don't do it..if she doesn't reply it will sting, and even if she does it's going to be a generic "Merry Christmas". You have a higher chance of her reaching out if you remain silent. She left you..don't be the one to faulter.

[Temperature]

Thank you so much! I wont contact her but anyway I feel devastated she broke my heart in one million pieces...it hurts so much! Why do I even love this woman...

Edited December 3, 2016 by Temperature

[BikerAccnt]

 

I haven't cotacted her since, except one time where some ppl suggested me to test her. So I tested her with message: " Hey, since there is third person involved only fair would have been that you ended this much earlier!"

She didnt respond on my message, which is an answer by itself.

 

 

Why in the world would you do this? I mean, why?

 

You don't test people, especially with childlike stuff like this. Look at it from her perspective, say she isn't cheating, and that her reasons for breaking up with you are legit, even if she doesn't understand them herself. She gets a message like this and thinks, "what an *******, this is what he thinks of me" and she never wants to talk to you again. Or she is cheating, and doesn't respond. Either way, no response and your mind takes over.

 

I'm going thru a breakup myself right now, and I don't think she really knows why she's breaking up, she just doesn't feel it. Fine. I'm not going to test her, I'm not going assume she's got another guy on the side, I'm just going to let her go. It hurts, it's painful, but it's the adult thing to do.

 

Don't test. During, after, or any time. I know I don't like to be tested, I'm sure you don't like it, and I'm sure she didn't appreciate a text like that at all. Assuming she got it and your not blocked of course.

[Temperature]

Yap, it wasnt the best move I've done I get it. Yea she didnt block me cause I wasnt busting her all the time that was the only message since we broke up almost 2 weeks ago.

 

Hey I feel bad either way and I send the message and it may be childish but she aint much better using lame old excuses for breaking up. Its hard just to suck it up and leave after so much time, love and caring was invested in something that just blows away like it never was anything. At least what I have deserved is truth which she refuses to tell.

Why? Imagine being in serious relationship with someone planning this and that and one day out of the blue she decides that she doesn't know anymore what she wants, needs to work on herself and similar BS. Ok, it strikes you hard but for Christ' sake at least be honest after everything!

[BikerAccnt]

Temp,

 

Sorry if I came across as harsh, re-reading what I wrote, it sure seems I was.

 

I understand your hurt, I'm having a considerable amount of it myself. But as unfortunate as it is, sometimes they dont know why they aren't feeling it. And honestly, sometimes even though we say we want the truth, we really don't. Would it change anything? Would it help?

 

Believe me, I know all about planning for the future and having your future disappear before your eyes. Getting divorced will do that to you, in spades. My current breakup was no where near that bad, but we too had been talking about and planning for the future.

 

As a matter of fact, I now have a somewhat useless hotel package for New Years eve...

 

Sorry again for sounding harsh, those type of tests just bug me I guess. Good luck to you.

[Temperature]

Dont worry dude its cool!

 

I am doing no contact with a hope of her reaching to me, but I am not sure is it going to happen. Meanwhile trying to work on myself and concentrate on better stuff in life.

 

Whatever happens in the end, she reaches or not, I need not to focus myself on her rather give my best to overcome this break up period. Which is the harshest I've ever had. Sometimes relationships can be f***** up.

 

Things will sooner or later get better.

 

Thanks for help!!

[fromheart]

If you contact her, it will be confirmation for her that you are weak and needy and that she made the right decision.

If you go NC and work on yourself for yourself, she might start doubting her decision, as you are now demonstrating strength and self respect.

 

But the only way it works is if you do walk on without looking back. And work on yourself. If she does call you and feels that you've been stagnating and waiting by the phone fore her, that'll again confirm her decision.

Edited December 3, 2016 by fromheart

[Temperature]

Fromheart, that basically sums it up same thing I was thinking from the start.

No contact and refocusing may be the only think that could actually help me and nothing else.

Maybe the actual reason for breakup was me being needy and clingy in past month or two. Lesson is the better you are, worse it becomes for you!

 

If it doesn't works in next few months it probably will never work.

But yea it sucks on multiple levels to be in this position!

[fromheart]

Fromheart, that basically sums it up same thing I was thinking from the start.

No contact and refocusing may be the only think that could actually help me and nothing else.

Maybe the actual reason for breakup was me being needy and clingy in past month or two. Lesson is the better you are, worse it becomes for you!

 

If it doesn't works in next few months it probably will never work.

But yea it sucks on multiple levels to be in this position!

 

When you genuinely do start working on yourself, you'll be surprised at who suddenly reappears. You'll probably have long moved off by then though.

NC and self focus is pretty much the only thing that truly works on all levels.

 

Woman I was seeing earlier this year, was shocked that when dumped I just completely backed off and started pursuing other women within days.

She actually confronted me about this, and I explained that I was looking after myself and living my life. There was nothing more about it than that really. She then wanted to sleep with me.

 

Why? Because a man who looks after himself in all weather, is very attractive. I went from being the dumped to desirable in a very short space of time. Just by moving on, taking the pain and doing what I do. I didn't get back with this girl, but it was my choice.

 

A while back, I was the nice boy who out of love waited a few months by the phone for my lover to change her mind and come back to me. I've sent flowers to the doorstep, letters, done all the BS things you see in the movies. Needless to say that never, ever worked. In fact I never heard from those girls again. Chasing and waiting after being dumped completely confirmed for them, their image of me as a needy, weak and insecure man.

 

Now, I even have a woman who SEVERELY dumped me a few years back, look me up on occasion to see what I'm doing. Why? Again I walked on and looked after myself, pursued my dreams and hooked up with other women.

This particular ex isn't necessarily wanting to get back with me and that's mutual despite the love and care I feel for her, but she's intrigued and attracted. What is he doing? Who is he with? Why doesn't he ever contact me? Could it be that I made a mistake, look how resolved he is when he walks on...

 

 

 

 

If you're with a woman and she feels that you're going to fall to pieces should she leave you, its not a good place to be, especially if she herself is already deeply insecure and desperately needs a secure man in her life. That sums up all 3 of my big break ups in the past.

I'm not saying thats what happened to you, but getting to place in your life where you're fully self dependent and established is going to make an intimate relationship a lot smoother. At the very least, aspiring and working actively towards that goal.

 

Anyway, take the pain and hold fast to your resolve. Look after your health and keep moving forward.

Edited December 4, 2016 by fromheart

[Temperature]

Fromheart, thanks a lot dude your advice is really good with nice examples!

I am quite sure this is the case with me right now, I think she left me for showing weaknesses and needines not always but sometimes yes.

Yes she isnt much secure type of women herself and a big pessimist also so thats what may be the reason she flew away.

 

When I look in retrospective I see myself failing some of tests that girls frequently send towards us when they smell weakness. And it basically all happend in the last month so thats why I think thats a reason.

Ok whatever, her logic sucks, but I cant do much bout it right now only work myself up a lot and maybe she flyes back once again, and then if I feel warmed up for her I might give it a go. If not thats how it is, lesson how not to lose the woman you love is learned.(if that was the case in first place OFC)

 

F***! Wish these things were simpler..

[basil67]

If she was at all unsure about the future with you, you 'test' message would have made up her mind to stay away from you. You can pretty much call the relationship done.

 

A lot of the time we don't ever know why a person left. But perhaps together we can figure out a bit more about what happened.

 

How old are you both? And how long were you together? Were you able to see each other often and to your mutual satisfaction? When you were together, was the relationship easy and relaxed...or did it have 'ups and downs'? Were there any areas where you had problems and had not yet figured out a solution?

[Temperature]

Basil, well I frankly hope at least for now while I still love her that it wont end that tragically because a msg.

Anyway thats tough to know only time will tell will she ever be back.

Definetely if her attraction lvl remained high enoguh afzer breakup chances are better, but then again nothing is sure.

I cant nor I will risk waiting for miracle, I have to move on even though I dont want to right now. More then less I miss her, damn I wish I could just forget it all.

I am 25 and she is 27, we were together for 9 months.

We have seen each othwr frequently, most of the relationship it was great and passionate. Past month when I look from this spectrum was a bit different, i failed several tests and ended up being needy, unbalanced and insecure. She was getting bored and it ended soon. Well thats my observation on things. Is that a reason or not I dont know for sure but that is closest thing that pops up to me when thinkong of it. Its 15 days now already without contact except that msg.

One other option might be that she founded someone who isnt that clingy and dumped me after finding him, might be especially regarding that msg.

But who knows..

[basil67]

Unfortunately, adversity is a part of life. If you cope with it badly, it may well have turned her off. During this time, did she tell you that she was unhappy with your behaviour? If so, what do you do to try and remedy the situation?

 

That message you sent? Hurtful and hateful words can and do have significant impact on other people. Perhaps you aren't aware of just how rude that message was? If she was already 80% gone, that would have easily added the required 20% needed to keep her away.

[Temperature]

I am sure I coped bad with them, mainly cause I was too afraid of losing her, which eventually happend..

Only what she complained once after me heavily failing was that I am insecure and she likes saftey a lot, after which I basically went excusing myself for not being insecure and that it was just that moment of weakness and such stuff.

 

Well frankly looking the entire situation I am in, its ****ed up and sickening(pardon my french)that constantly us guys need to cope with their desires, their tests, their insecurities they mirror on you and many other BS they throw like projectiles at you. Its the reality I agree but its damn unfair cause after all I know that I am great guy and that I behaved after her more then fine, and even then its not enough..horrible!

 

The message I've sent maybe hurtful or whatever but nobody asks how do I feel, am I hurted after unclear breakup. Breaking up using lame excuses is easy way out and heavily selfish, and I was never selfish in this relationship like she was.

That text may have been rude or whatever but for me not telling truth after 9months is more then rude it is very selfish thing to do.

[Caysey110504]

Hello everyone,

 

Basically she left me like 12 days ago, with a excuse that she doesn't know what she actually wants and that she needs time to work on herself(she was crying and she felt guilty). Throughout relationship we were talking and planning big stuff for our joint future, so it was hell of a surprise for me.

Asking her straight away about posibillity of her coming back her answer was maybe yes and maybe not, sort of.

 

I haven't cotacted her since, except one time where some ppl suggested me to test her. So I tested her with message: " Hey, since there is third person involved only fair would have been that you ended this much earlier!"

She didnt respond on my message, which is an answer by itself.

 

I want your opinion especially if you experienced something similar? I still love her more then anything and somehow hoping for her to "sober up"...

 

Christmas is upcoming, I wanna know should I avoid calling her to say Merry Christmas or what? - Is it sort of breaking no contact rule or is it giving her a window of opportunity to change things??

 

Please help!

tell her, its only fair to get your a gift for Christmas.

 

Sometimes in relationships, it is best to forward and upfront and not be sensitive to her feelings. Because if she gave a care about you, you will not be in the situation you are in, she will sacrifice for you, she will make changes for you, she will compromise for you.

 

Instead, she wants to kiss and get with another man.

 

Thats the thanks for being nice, and a pushover for her.

 

Its time to grow balls and ask for things.

 

Its Christmas, you made plans, ask her for the gift, give her gift. And let her figure things out on her own.

 

Dont be clingy.

 

Find other people to date, if she not committed to you or your feelings!

[Temperature]

Caysey,

thats why I am here to basically ask opinion of ppl that have more experience than I about breakin No Contact on Christmas. Most of them said no and I agree cause that could be test to see if she is going to call me to say "Merry Christmas". Why? Cause she is the one that broke up and left me.

 

One important THING I havent MENTIONED is that I told her on last "rendezvous" that I am in position from where I cant contact her and that she is the one that should look up for me and she firmly understood that message upon which she agreed deliberately.

 

Even though for me honestly to relief myself would be much easier to call her up, trust me I would do that in no time but I know exactly and for 100% that would just shoo her away for good. So I think I am stuck in no-man's land LOL