HorseLuck Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Long story short I found out my boyfriend lied to me about speaking to other girls. I only found out because I flew down to visit him for Thanksgiving. Prior to going I saw that he had multiple social media accounts and gave him the opportunity to come clean before I searched his phone. Upon getting caught he lied about the reasoning behind messaging at least one of them. His behavior has been shady in general and I can't trust him so I have to terminate the relationship. At this point I don't know if he's actually slept with other females but regardless, I consider what he did emotional cheating. He will be away for 3 weeks with no phone reception (he is in the military). I am conflicted as to whether I should officially declare that it's over or just disappear. A part of me is very angry and spiteful so I do want to inflict some pain. I also don't feel I owe him the courtesy of officially declaring it, when he didn't give me the courtesy of being honest. The other part of me acknowledges it is a somewhat b*tchy move. I'm aware if I just leave he will harass me. I was considering changing my phone number or just blocking him. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Tell him it's over. Then disappear. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HorseLuck Posted December 2, 2016 Author Share Posted December 2, 2016 Tell him it's over. Then disappear. Might I ask why? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Because why wouldn't you just make a clean break instead of ghosting him, which you already acknowledge will only result in him "harassing" you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ManyDissapoint Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 It makes little difference to you, and it's the right thing to do. Even the most heinous criminals are afforded due process in the court of law. I agree, a cold message saying it's over and he knows why. Then block him everywhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Expectmore Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Agreed Finding a trust and loyalty in a person is #1 Tell him that and walk away. He isnt ready to settle on just one woman yet Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Might I ask why? Because otherwise you will get a hundred calls, texts, emails etc asking why you aren't responding, maybe even the police called if he thinks something bad happened to you. Just tell him it's over then block him. Job done. Link to post Share on other sites
TheWhittler Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I think it is important to have your own standards in how you conduct yourself in life and not to fall into the trap of lowering your standards for anyone. Not to fall into the trap of "tittle tattle" and "he said, she said". After all, the excuse of "they did it so it must be alright for me to" only lasts so far. So I think you should end it (preferably before he goes away if you can) and then stay away from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HorseLuck Posted December 2, 2016 Author Share Posted December 2, 2016 I appreciate the input. Eh, I'm causing myself more stress than necessary. It's this sense if entitlement on his end that doesn't play well with me. He wanted me to take the 3 weeks to think about it, and if i decided to end things he asked for a phone call because he considers anything else "rude". He's lucky to even receive a text when he couldn't even be honest with me..this is my first encounter with a cheater and I'm not handling it well. It aggravates me that if i make a clean cut he will just move on easily (imo) to another female. Still fighting the notion that I need to be the bigger person. Link to post Share on other sites
bruindds Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 It really sucks to be on the receiving end of the crap. It doesn't matter what he thinks is "rude". He has gone way beyond rude with how he has treated you... As hard as it is, you just have to say goodbye and then have no contact- that will help! Link to post Share on other sites
ilovemefirst Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I would end it with him and move on. You may look back and wonder why you didn't just tell him its over. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Long story short I found out my boyfriend lied to me about speaking to other girls. I only found out because I flew down to visit him for Thanksgiving. Prior to going I saw that he had multiple social media accounts and gave him the opportunity to come clean before I searched his phone. Upon getting caught he lied about the reasoning behind messaging at least one of them. His behavior has been shady in general and I can't trust him so I have to terminate the relationship. At this point I don't know if he's actually slept with other females but regardless, I consider what he did emotional cheating. He will be away for 3 weeks with no phone reception (he is in the military). I am conflicted as to whether I should officially declare that it's over or just disappear. A part of me is very angry and spiteful so I do want to inflict some pain. I also don't feel I owe him the courtesy of officially declaring it, when he didn't give me the courtesy of being honest. The other part of me acknowledges it is a somewhat b*tchy move. I'm aware if I just leave he will harass me. I was considering changing my phone number or just blocking him. What should I do? Leaving a relationship with dignity and grace is the best course of action, always. You meet with him, tell him that the relationship isn't working for you and that you are moving on a wish him well. If he has been cheating on you, whatever pain you think you might inflict would actually backfire. You will simply be referred to as the "crazy ex". Leaving with your head held high and without drama leaves him with the sense that you are a strong woman who enforces her boundaries. After that, you maintain strict no contact. Block and delete his number and block him on all social media outlets. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HorseLuck Posted December 2, 2016 Author Share Posted December 2, 2016 (edited) Leaving a relationship with dignity and grace is the best course of action, always. You meet with him, tell him that the relationship isn't working for you and that you are moving on a wish him well. If he has been cheating on you, whatever pain you think you might inflict would actually backfire. You will simply be referred to as the "crazy ex". Leaving with your head held high and without drama leaves him with the sense that you are a strong woman who enforces her boundaries. After that, you maintain strict no contact. Block and delete his number and block him on all social media outlets. Can't see him in person and wouldn't waste more money on it. I think I'm still too emotionally invested to make up my mind. Edited December 2, 2016 by HorseLuck Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 What is there to make up your mind about? Just end it when he has phone access again. No need to be dramatic about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Can't see him in person and wouldn't waste more money on it. I think I'm still too emotionally invested to make up my mind. I mean't meet him when he returns. Take the 3 weeks to mentally prepare yourself for what you need to do. You are obviously too emotionally invested if you can't make up your mind to break up with someone you don't/can't trust. Spend some time thinking about why that is . . . Link to post Share on other sites
Author HorseLuck Posted December 3, 2016 Author Share Posted December 3, 2016 I mean't meet him when he returns. Take the 3 weeks to mentally prepare yourself for what you need to do. You are obviously too emotionally invested if you can't make up your mind to break up with someone you don't/can't trust. Spend some time thinking about why that is . . . I have no problem ending things it's just a question of how I choose to do it- and which one will cause me more guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 No need to play games. Cheaters have a way of justifying their actions, so you need to do what's best for yourself. That means clearly breaking off things and moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HorseLuck Posted December 3, 2016 Author Share Posted December 3, 2016 No need to play games. Cheaters have a way of justifying their actions, so you need to do what's best for yourself. That means clearly breaking off things and moving on. Fair enough Blanco. Do you think they ever change? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Fair enough Blanco. Do you think they ever change? Cheaters may change, the question is when . . . You cannot change or control anyone. What you can do is change how you deal with them and take control for yourself. Do that now. The fact is, that even if he hasn't slept with another woman, the "seed" has been planted by the knowledge that he has been at least communicating with other women. You will never be at rest with him and always looking over HIS shoulder. Do what needs to be done and do it with strength and grace. Accept your reality. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 Honestly, if you can, always be the 'bigger person'. Do what you think is the most respectful thing to do and then move on. At least you can look back on that in the knowledge that you ended things as best as you could. I am not one for thinking that break-ups should always be in person; in fact, it can be quite horrendous to be summoned to be dumped (yes, I've been there!), but something definite, like a text or phone call, clears the way for the future for both parties. Link to post Share on other sites
LargoLagg Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 (edited) Might I ask why?Are you kidding? How about to be a decent human being? Maybe to prove to yourself you're not a coward? So you don't have to worry about confrontation when you least expect it? It doesn't have to be hard. Basically here are the elements of a breakup: 1) Unequivically state that you're no longer going to see each other. 2) Pay a little tribute to the time you spent together, unless it sucked. 3) Offer a reason if you have one, and if you don't explain that you just don't feel it 4) Tell them that it is you, it's not them, unless it's really them. If it is, tell them so. 5) Tell them it will be better to have a clean break, with no contact for a while, but that you're willing to answer questions later, after they've had a chance to think about things. 6) Never say you're sorry. 7) Say your decision is final. 8) Allow them to speak. 9) Help them cry, if that's what they need to do. 10) Leave. I just read a little more. In your case. Hi, GI Joe! We need to talk. I'm not going to see you any more. I thought the time we had was great, but apparently, it was better for me than you. You're a cheater and a liar, and I don't date cheaters or liars. Definitely not both. I think that a clean break will be best, so don't call me, because I don't want to hear from you. Your time will be better spent chasing other women around, so have fun. Don't bother chasing me. My decision is final. Questions? Comments? Good luck. 5 - 30 minutes of your day. What's the big deal? Plus, those can be kind of fun, when you're in that situation. Edited December 3, 2016 by LargoLagg Link to post Share on other sites
Author HorseLuck Posted December 6, 2016 Author Share Posted December 6, 2016 Are you kidding? How about to be a decent human being? Maybe to prove to yourself you're not a coward? So you don't have to worry about confrontation when you least expect it? It doesn't have to be hard. Basically here are the elements of a breakup: 1) Unequivically state that you're no longer going to see each other. 2) Pay a little tribute to the time you spent together, unless it sucked. 3) Offer a reason if you have one, and if you don't explain that you just don't feel it 4) Tell them that it is you, it's not them, unless it's really them. If it is, tell them so. 5) Tell them it will be better to have a clean break, with no contact for a while, but that you're willing to answer questions later, after they've had a chance to think about things. 6) Never say you're sorry. 7) Say your decision is final. 8) Allow them to speak. 9) Help them cry, if that's what they need to do. 10) Leave. I just read a little more. In your case. Hi, GI Joe! We need to talk. I'm not going to see you any more. I thought the time we had was great, but apparently, it was better for me than you. You're a cheater and a liar, and I don't date cheaters or liars. Definitely not both. I think that a clean break will be best, so don't call me, because I don't want to hear from you. Your time will be better spent chasing other women around, so have fun. Don't bother chasing me. My decision is final. Questions? Comments? Good luck. 5 - 30 minutes of your day. What's the big deal? Plus, those can be kind of fun, when you're in that situation. Again, it doesn't have to do with me being a coward or being decent. I think I was decent enough throughout the relationship. I've already sent him texts venting. Upon thought and some more time lapsing, I think I might actually feel better expressing my feelings with a final goodbye like you guys have mentioned. The way you put it LargoLagg does sound kind of fun, so thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 You've already confronted him about his behaviour and he lied. Where did the conversation go from there? Perhaps he already knows it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
LargoLagg Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 I think the finality of a declaration is desirable because of the peace of mind it can give you that everybody knows it's over. If the person you dumped isn't sure, you didn't do a good job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 I think I might actually feel better expressing my feelings with a final goodbye Yes, I agree. However don't write it in such a way that he can reply. Send it, then BLOCK him. If he manages to find a way around your blocks then DELETE his reply without reading it. Entering into a conversation will achieve nothing good. Just say your piece and BLOCK. Link to post Share on other sites
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