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Broke Up After Going Through My Phone


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applypressure

Hi Guys,

I have never posted here before. Here is a quick run-down. I am 32 and ex girlfriend (as of today) is 36. I am a bit immature for my age, but i do own a condo and hold down a pretty good full time job and have worked a decent job since i was 22, so i am somewhat stable financially - just a little goofy emotionally.

 

I met my ex 3 months ago through mutual friends. We hooked up for the first time September 1 and on Sept 4 she went back to her house in Hollywood. That was labor day weekend and i had plans with a girl i had a crush on previously but lost feelings for since meeting the new girl that eventually became my girlfriend. But the old girl had planned to come down for the weekend to hangout with mutual friends. I ended up keeping that commitment with the old girl i liked and hung out with her on Sept 4 as well.

 

After we had sex on Sept 4 (in the morning) with the new girl, i texted the old girl i liked to see if she had still planned to come. She said yes. Mind you, the old girl and i might have flirted for a while, but we never ever hooked up or had even a discussion about dating. We kind of went friend-zone. I am a 32 woman she is a 30 year old woman and she is heterosexual. Though we flirted in the beginning, i think she realized it wasn't what she was looking for.

 

Anyway, after we had sex on sept 4, i asked the new girl if she wanted to know if the old girl i had a crush on (the new girl was aware of the old girl, as we were friends and i told her about the crush i had) and she said yes. Well, at that point the old girl called me at the breakfast table and i answered.

 

The new girl then asked me to see my phone and went through my texts and saw that i had reached out to her earlier in the morning and proceeded to flip out.

 

Let me just say, i understand this isn't a good situation. I shouldn't have done it but i also felt like i just started hooking up with the new girl and didn't think there were expectations.

 

the new girl, i will call her S, left that day and went home. The old girl, i will call her N, came up to hang out for labor day and i told N all about S and how i was happy. But i also proceeded to get drunk and worry about what i had created and how i messed up with S, so then i started texting/calling, etc.

 

It was a real sh*tshow if you know what i mean. cut to a few days later, S forgives me and we kind of move on.

 

on october 1, S asks me if she can stay with me. So far our relationship has been good and i really like her so i say yes.

 

So after 1 month of dating S decided to stay with me until she found a new place.

 

During the month of October S and i experience a lot of fighting due to the situation about N in September.

 

I block N from my phone because i don't want to hear about it anymore and S gets upset at that even. S thinks i blocked her for a reason, but i truly blocked her because i was tired of the drama.

 

In the midst of the month of October, i get into a few fights with S that are so bad that we kinda break up but we don't really break up, but in those moments i decide to go to my friends. I don't tell S this and when she finds out, she says im a liar and that all i do is lie.

 

Cut to yesterday 11/30, i get home and S is packing because she is moving into her new place 12/1 (today). S asks me to see my phone. S proceeds to type in the N's real name in the text message section of my phone.

 

S finds a conversation i had with my friend since junior high on october 21st that says i had plans to go to a concert with N and that S was being kinda irrational and mean, so i planned on going to a concert with N.

 

Honestly, i hadnt talked to N in months, i was just spouting off to my friend to make it seem like i wasnt upset by the current state of my relationship.

 

My friend had met N prior to me dating S and told me N didnt seem into me and that i should move on.

i felt the same way

 

i didn't go to the concert with N, i didn't even talk to N that weekend.

 

I was just really pissed off at S that weekend and i felt annoyed ...

 

Yesterday 11/30 S read that and now thinks i am a complete liar and had plans to go to this concert but canceled.

 

S broke up with me and told me there was no hope on 11/30

 

This morning 12/1 S called me and asked what i did on Nov 4 (the day before we went out of town) - mind you we were in a massive fight this friday night)

i told her that i didnt remember i went to a friends and i think we went to eat

 

she then asked if i drove or ubered and i was like huh??

 

Turns out she broke into my e-mail and saw an uber receipt and i will admit that night i did not tell her i went out to eat bc she was so angry and mad i felt like it was just too much drama.

 

the receipt is 10:35 departure from house and 11:10 departure from the sushi restaurant. 35 mins, so i didnt go out. I rode with some friends that went out.. one got sushi with me and then when we finished, i went back home and she went to a bar.

 

She now considers this another lie.

 

I know i have made MASSIVE mistakes here, but am i wrong to feel that it is unfair to have someone go through my email and phone and find things to use against me?

 

I also want to say, i have never cheated on S. I actually love her dearly and am heartbroken but i also know our relationship was not going well. I guess i don't know what to do. If i just let her go and not call or text and call this a 3 month loss. Or do I try to work something out?

 

She did tell me when we were friends before we ever dated that lying is something she can't stand or handle. I grossly underestimated what she considered a lie.

 

I feel terrible that she had to read what i wrote about N and going to a concert. I feel terrible that i DID lie. I realize that these were lies (big or small or whatever) they are still lies.

 

 

help.

Edited by applypressure
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It depends.

My wife cheated on me.

I found out by her phone records and her email.

She was mad at me for how I found out.

Sometimes the tactics used to find out certain information doesn't change the truth or guilt of that information. The police use tactics to find guilty people that aren't exactly on the up-and-up. But when you find exactly what you thought you would find. At that point how you found the information is irrelevant. The fact Still Remains you found what you thought you were going to find. Now what do you do about it.

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applypressure

I guess i understand that and that is why i haven't been to mad at her. I think what bugs me the most is that we broke up last night and this morning she went through my email. My phone is one thing, but my email has financial information, etc. I feel like thats a gross invasion of privacy. Thanks for the reply

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You two have only been dating a very short time and there is SO MUCH drama happening. Why is she looking at your phone after a few weeks together? Why is she moving in even if just temporary after only a month.

 

This relationship has been riddled with lies, mistrust, and sketchyness. I dont think it's salvageable.

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applypressure
You two have only been dating a very short time and there is SO MUCH drama happening. Why is she looking at your phone after a few weeks together? Why is she moving in even if just temporary after only a month.

 

This relationship has been riddled with lies, mistrust, and sketchyness. I dont think it's salvageable.

 

 

I know that it is a lot of drama and she says the same thing. That relationships shouldn't be this way. I guess she is very adamant about knowing everything and that made me apt to be evasive - does that make sense? I never cheated on her or talked inappropriately with anyone.

 

I also guess i just feel like i now know how serious she is and i really wish i could have done things differently.

 

any one else ever feel that way?

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I know that it is a lot of drama and she says the same thing. That relationships shouldn't be this way. I guess she is very adamant about knowing everything and that made me apt to be evasive - does that make sense? I never cheated on her or talked inappropriately with anyone.

 

I also guess i just feel like i now know how serious she is and i really wish i could have done things differently.

 

any one else ever feel that way?

 

Feeling that you could have done things differently on a personal level to avoid all the hurt and unnecessary drama? yes. But it's next to absolutely pointless to even have it cross your mind.

 

From what you've stated, it's just one of those relationships you have with someone where you feel perhaps too emotionally invested into them, but there's a real lack of sensibility and even compatibility also. Like I've said on multiple occasions to other people in similar situations, treat it as a 'trial and error' scenario and nothing more.

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On your behalf. You are very early on in this and to have such a mis trust, is a red flag.

Its hard to have a healthy relationship if you are constantly being accused of wrong doing.

When it isn't the case.

You have every right to pursue what your heart tells you. Commitment comes after you have found that special something about someone. And sometimes that takes time.

Follow your heart. You will find happiness.

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I know that it is a lot of drama and she says the same thing. That relationships shouldn't be this way. I guess she is very adamant about knowing everything and that made me apt to be evasive - does that make sense? I never cheated on her or talked inappropriately with anyone.

 

I also guess i just feel like i now know how serious she is and i really wish i could have done things differently.

 

any one else ever feel that way?

 

Someone who is demanding control over your phone this early is only get to get worse. You dodged a bullet in my eyes.

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Since you voluntarily allowed her access to your personal info on your phone that was one thing. But her accessing your email account without your permission is a completely different story. Should you be concerned about your privacy and/or your safety now that she has access? Maybe you should change and secure those right away.

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This is all way too much drama for this early in a relationship.

 

Seems to me that you should just cut your losses and let it go.

 

What would you do differently if you had it to do over again? Figure that out and then use that plan for the future.

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Ilovepizzalady

Hmm, I've been on the other side of this. I have been the person that can't tolerate lies and been with an "evasive" type of person. I have to tell you it sucks on this side because if you find a few lies, you think there are more.

 

Why not just be fully truthful with her? I don't understand why you lied in the first place. I also think kind of disrespectful to text to friends complaining about her. And then she saw that either you lied to her about going to a concert with N or that you LIED TO YOUR FRIEND. So she is seeing a lie either way.

 

She obviously doesn't trust you because she did find out you lied a few times to her and to your friend. You may not think they are a big deal, but perhaps someone has cheated on her or lied before, and she is sensitive to any white lies?

 

I don't know if you are capable of being the open type of person that she needs.

 

For me, I had a boyfriend for 9 years who would think out loud, leave his email account open on his computer, he didn't care, and had nothing to hide. This is the type of relationship S needs, and you probably aren't the type to be it.

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