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She left me for her ex and now wants me back


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Hello guys,

 

This is my first thread here and loveshack has been my emotional support for the last 2 months so I couln't have gone through this without you! I am trying to keep this short and would really like your thoughts in the subject. Ty!

 

I (29 m) met this girl (26 f) at my workplace but I only saw her every now and then since we were in different departments (Finance and Arquitecture). I knew we were attracted to each other but I never made a move because she had a boyfriend then. Suddenly one day she started texting me on facebook so between conversations she told me she was no longer with her ex and long story short we went out on a date. At the beginning we thought it was only casual but things escalated quickly and turned really intense really fast. By the 2nd month we were head over heels with each other and agreed to be exclusive, but we had to keep it a secret since the company was really strict about dating coworkers.

 

The third and fourth months were wonderful and probably one of the best times of my life probably because I had been single for the last 4 years and had no problem hooking up or having fwd relationships but they didn't compare to having a meaningful relationship. The problems started when there were work meetings outside the office and we had to act as if we were just friends and we hardly knew each other so we did not have problems at work. It came to a point where our relationship was only known by the two of us and I could not tell many of our friends since they knew my co-workers. She began to feel rejected by me and told me that she felt I did not take her seriously. She even asked me to tell everyone about us. Luckily during those days I was offered a job in corporate banking which was the job I had been looking for some time ago. I told her to wait for me to sign my contract on my new job before making any rash decisions. The process of formalization for my new job lasted two weeks and during those weeks she began to feel more insecure and she kept telling me that I did not give her a place in my life and that I only thought about myself and not her even though it was not true. I tried to reassure her that I loved her but nothing seemed to be enough. To make matters worse, we went out to a club with some friends of mine to celebrate my new job and one of my friends had a little too much to drink and tried to kiss me in front of my girlfriend. I obviously rejected her but it resulted in an argument with my gf anyways where she told me crying that she had been cheated on before and that it would break her heart if I did that to her.

 

Once I entered my new job, I thought that everything would change for the better until one day she wanted to talk about our future since she had told me before that she had planned to go to Europe to study her masters next year and that she would like us to keep a long distance relationship. I told her with the best of my intentions that we had just gotten out of a rough patch and that we should better wait and continue knowing each other before making long-term decisions. Out of nowhere she started to cry and accused me of only using her for sex (I was perplexed!) and that I never had the intention of having a serious relationship with her; she then stomed out of my place and told me she needed to be alone. That is where everything started to go downhill and her attitude towards me changed, she became distant and cold; and I could see that out relationship was about to end.

 

One day we talked and she came to the conclusion that we had no future together even though I insisted otherwise; in the end, I accepted her decision and we broke up. The thing is that I took it pretty well the first week until I found out by a mutual friend that she cheated on me with her ex the same day that we had the talk about the LDR and she left my place. I was devastated so called her and said the nastiest things to her (I could not believe I was acting that way but I was heartbroken and felt that the person I trusted the most betrayed me). I told her to never contact me again and that was two months ago.

 

Last week I got an email from her saying that she is sorry, that she misses me and wants me back. She says that she messed up and thought that I would never commit to her since I never made our relationship public so her insecurities led her back to her ex (obviously it didn't work out with. Him in the end). I haven't responded because I know that I am not thinking clearly and my mind tells me to not take her back but my heart tells me that I should give her a second chance. I won't lie, I still love her so much but I have always been a logical and independent man and it truely messes me up to see myself in this situation. I would really like your insights and opinion on my case since I haven't been able to focus on anything this last week.

 

English is not my native language so please bear with me.

 

 

Thank you for reading this!

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She left you for her ex and cheated on you, then came back when it didn't work out with him or whatever. I couldn't take a girl back who cheated on me but that's just me.

 

Even if she felt you weren't taking the relationship seriously, doesn't excuse her cheating on you. If I was in your situation I would stay away as I have a hard time forgetting things, especially cheating, just me though.

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Rebound relationships tend to be short-lived, and often end badly

 

Are you aware that thats what this was?

 

You say that she cheated on you, but her ex might say that she cheated on him with you.

 

Don't ever be anyones rebound again.

 

 

Take care.

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I agree, once a cheater always a cheater. She would have to make it up to you hardcore, even then I would think the trust just wouldn't be there anymore. Sleep with one eye open etc....:eek:

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You were a rebound and now she is looking for you to once again be her rebound and fill a void. You know this wont end well for you if you go round two. Read back over what she did to you. Focus on her, what she did, not what you may have said or done.

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I am aware it probably was a rebound relationship and that is why it was so intense and fast. The problem is that my feelings for her won't just disappear.

 

I know that the right to do is stay away from her and take my time to be myself so I will have to block her from everything.

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I am aware it probably was a rebound relationship and that is why it was so intense and fast. The problem is that my feelings for her won't just disappear.

 

I know that the right to do is stay away from her and take my time to be myself so I will have to block her from everything.

 

You've lasted 2 months, hardest part out of the way in my opinion. Don't begin to adjust to life without her then throw it all away!

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Ty for your words. As you said, I lasted two months no contact, it has been really hard and I would have caved in if it wasn't for you guys at loveshack. I don't intend on throwing it all away.

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So in other words her ex doesn't want her and she wants to back to her back up.

I am not trying excuse her but actually she dumped her ex the first time around and according to what she told in her last email, she dumped him again after realizing that the same problems that broke them up were still there... Not that it matters anymore

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From my journals:

 

 

Getting back on the horse

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if the breakup was particularly traumatic..

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

 

Take care.

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I am not trying excuse her but actually she dumped her ex the first time around and according to what she told in her last email, she dumped him again after realizing that the same problems that broke them up were still there... Not that it matters anymore

 

And a few months down the road her ex will lure her back because the problems have been fixed. Rinse and repeat a few more times.

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If I may,

 

I am at the end of a similarly painful experience. Mine left and came back three separate times, and finally left for good over something that could have been worked out. The ENTIRE time we were together, she was friends with her "abusive" ex on FB, got shirtless pictures of "friend" bros, and would go nuclear on me for something as simple as finding a card from a previous relationship. Three weeks after I finally went NC, she was "seeing" someone. Right.....

 

Until you come to terms that you care WAY more than she does, your feelings will continue to get shredded.

 

The emotions will ebb and flow, but distance, time, and space away will give you perspective.

 

My experience, at 37 was the most acute emotionally of my life.

 

Listen to the good people here, when they all say the same thing, you can be sure it is accurate.

 

I always think the best of people, which is why the games, punishing behaviors, and lack of communication from mine was tolerated. Remembering cigars on the deck, the explosive sex, and other good memories kept me hooked. YOU MUST PUSH THOSE ASIDE.

 

She is not that person. She is the person who left, came back, left, came back, etc.

 

Rejection breeds obsession. Take a step outside the emotions and look at this woman as a potential marriage partner. Really? After this?

 

I had to do the same thing. It helps.

 

Dave

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I will use a situation i had a few years back (sorry for bad gammar and missing punctuation) but here u go i dated this girl for 9months i love her she loved me then around 9months she said she fell out of love out of nowhere it hit me like a truck ... worst feeling ever but o well i tried and tried to get her back it was the best thing i ever did once i stopped calling showing her i care and started talking to someone new she wanted me back she even cried (this is personal but she even cut herself because i had someone)i still didnt care? Why? Because when i was depressed ,sad and wanted to harm myself she didn't care .i even told her even if me and the new girl at the time breakup i will never date u again ,but come to find out me and the girl broke up and i went back to her THAT WAS THE WORST THING I EVER COULD OF DONE she cheated of me 2 more times,she had changed, she would go 2-5 days without hearing from me not even a text but o well i finally left her in my past and now she craves me ,hates when she see me with someone new ,she wants me back and etc and i always tell myself to never go back there

 

Moral of the story you guys broke up from a reason don't force urself back to date someone who left you for someone else i can't lie and say i never cheated i have cheated also on my current ex girlfriend that i broke up with and i cheated because i felt like she was pushing me away when i shoulda just left .. dont be a rebound

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Pretty obvious what happened, she broke up with her ex, dated you, started seeing ex again which caused her to sabotage your relationship, left you to be with the ex convinced herself it was all your fault, relationship with the ex failed and here she is again.

 

Wise men avoid these situations...be wise.

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Ty all for your advice, it's amazing that a group of "strangers" on the internet can give you better advice than some of my friends. I haven't told this to most of my friends because they will only tell me what I want to hear.

 

I keep having these relapses where I start to miss her like crazy but I hope they will happen less often as time goes by. It doesn't help that I started to dream about her a couple days ago and felt awful when I woke up.

 

I will keep you guys updated since I am sure this won't be the last time I hear from her.

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Ty all for your advice, it's amazing that a group of "strangers" on the internet can give you better advice than some of my friends. I haven't told this to most of my friends because they will only tell me what I want to hear.

 

I keep having these relapses where I start to miss her like crazy but I hope they will happen less often as time goes by. It doesn't help that I started to dream about her a couple days ago and felt awful when I woke up.

 

I will keep you guys updated since I am sure this won't be the last time I hear from her.

 

Of course your feelings will diminish for her when you accept the inevitable. That being that she was never for you and the compatibility was never truly there. It's still incredibly fresh so you're in the early stages of coming to the point of acceptance, but eventually you will get there.

 

Fortunately for you, you no longer have to invest time and effort into someone like her anymore. Don't let people who attempt to take advantage of you, get the satisfaction they seek from the situation.

 

Like all of us, you'll realise everything and come to terms with it all. Godspeed.

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Ty all for your advice, it's amazing that a group of "strangers" on the internet can give you better advice than some of my friends. I haven't told this to most of my friends because they will only tell me what I want to hear.

 

I keep having these relapses where I start to miss her like crazy but I hope they will happen less often as time goes by. It doesn't help that I started to dream about her a couple days ago and felt awful when I woke up.

 

I will keep you guys updated since I am sure this won't be the last time I hear from her.

 

Best thing about the internet is people don't know you personally so will give you unbiased opinions.

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Best thing about the internet is people don't know you personally so will give you unbiased opinions.

 

This right here. As long as you are honest with yourself and the community about what happened, you will get solid advice. Unfortunately, if you are posting here, normally that advice boils down to no contact. lol

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You have already got the best advices. I just have one thing to add.

You see, when breaking up with you she told you she had lost feelings for you and must have given you several irrational reasons. This is an important point to consider.

If someone can lose feelings and regain them as if it was a wifi signal then you know that she is not reliable.

Now even if she genuinely wants you back this time, the new relationship will never last. The reason is because cracks from the past will always exist. You will never get over the fact that she left you for an ex. You will always have a grudge against her.

So what's the use of starting something again if the slate is not clean. It will never be the same again.

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Ty all for your advice, it's amazing that a group of "strangers" on the internet can give you better advice than some of my friends. I haven't told this to most of my friends because they will only tell me what I want to hear.

 

I keep having these relapses where I start to miss her like crazy but I hope they will happen less often as time goes by. It doesn't help that I started to dream about her a couple days ago and felt awful when I woke up.

 

I will keep you guys updated since I am sure this won't be the last time I hear from her.

 

See that where alot of friends go wrong even me as a friend. I always make sure i tell my friend truth straight forward i rather them hate me for telling the truth for for a few days than making them make a mistake and your welcomd

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Ilovepizzalady

If you DO end up taking her back (which is a big IF), you need to 100% try again, and don't let the past infect the current relationship. Trust her, say she needs to trust you, and just move on from the mistake.

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Not sure if you considered it, but all of the problems you started having early on very possibly could have been because she was cheating back then. The whole part where she said you are not taking the relationship seriously...likely were just her turning the tables to make things your fault because she was still with her ex all along.

 

I might have misread, but it seems like you think after that one argument she slept with her ex. Based on experience, when drama and relationship problems appear from no where and when she is upset over something common sense like hiding the relationship from work, it's because she was already feeling guilty.

 

If you felt like breaking down and taking her back I hope you would think about the real possibility that she was sleeping with her ex a lot longer than you might suspect, potentially your entire relationship.

Edited by ChatroomHero
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Not sure if you considered it, but all of the problems you started having early on very possibly could have been because she was cheating back then. The whole part where she said you are not taking the relationship seriously...likely were just her turning the tables to make things your fault because she was still with her ex all along.

 

I might have misread, but it seems like you think after that one argument she slept with her ex. Based on experience, when drama and relationship problems appear from no where and when she is upset over something common sense like hiding the relationship from work, it's because she was already feeling guilty.

 

If you felt like breaking down and taking her back I hope you would think about the real possibility that she was sleeping with her ex a lot longer than you might suspect, potentially your entire relationship.

 

 

I have found this to be true in my experience. Only long afterward, when I had time, perspective, and information, did I realize that her change in behavior coincided with the beginning of her affair(s).

 

Also, in my case, my ex would immediately seek out sex with another man as either a means to force herself out of our relationship, or as a salve for her hurt.

 

As others have said, you have already gone through the hard part. Hang in there. Give yourself some time and space.

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She wants to be with her ex but for some reason it doesn't workout.

You get back togeather and she will eventually run back to the ex if she thinks it can work. The ex is always going to be in her life until he meets someone else.

I once dated a woman like yours. Dumped me 6 times for her ex and always would run back to me at the first sign of trouble. Don't be me.

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