emotionally abusive / emotionally unavailable relationship

[Nini-mouse]

I need a place away from my toxic, pseudo relationship to process my thoughts and feelings. I have been in a one sided online relationship with someone for about six or so years. I write a blog, he reads it. I am addicted to it, and have not been able to leave as yet.

 

Last night, I shared some of my feelings with him about why this friendship should end. It should end because he doesn't want to be with me, and I can't fritter my life away with some guy who doesn't even want to talk to me. It should end because probably the reason why he doesn't want to be with me, is because he has a girlfriend.

 

I said all this and this morning he showered me with attention. I am addicted to the electronic chocolate. Now, I want to take a step back and look at this situation.

 

Thank you for listening. I am hoping to keep a thread here, or a journal on this board to get some perspective, as writing in forums has helped me with other addictions in the past.

 

Cheers!

[Bee4Shine]

I think I am a little confused...you write a blog and he reads it? That is the context of your relationship? I am glad you are stepping back to evaluate. This really cannot be a lasting or fulfilling relationship in anyway if there is no commitment, or connection. Every now and then we need to step back and evaluate reality. Is it real, is it right, is it normal and make adjustments to our situation and our thinking. Take a break from the blog, take a permanent break from him. Find real people in real life to interact with who can meet you where you are. I do understand that you will suffer loss and it may be painful because you had a connection even though he did not. But you will recover and you will be healthier for it.

[travelbug1996]

what is electronic chocolate?

[Redhead14]

Electronic chocolate is the "virtual" fulfillment of comfort. A false, empty "stand in" to fill an emotional void.

[Nini-mouse]

That's a bit harsh!!

[sooshi]

Nini-mouse, once you get a sense of Redhead's posts, you'll find that she's very blunt and very empowering. She's amazing.

 

I'd never heard of "electronic chocolate" either, but her response sounds accurate.

[Hoosfoos]

Hate to break it to you, but it is not a real relationship. What you've got is the fast food equivalent of social interaction.

[Nini-mouse]

Thanks for your advice Bee4Shine, I do have some really great real life friendships, and I am pretty sure he is just as invested in this situation as I am. It was just a fun form of self expression, until I realised it was so addictive, but it doesn't really affect other areas of my life.

 

I do want some distance though. Thanks for your thoughts.

[sooshi]

I have been in a one sided online relationship with someone for about six or so years.

 

I am pretty sure he is just as invested in this situation as I am

 

After reading the quoted parts, how sure are you now?

 

He's not as invested as you are.

[Nini-mouse]

Pretty sure actually. I am sure you understand that there is a lot more complexity to this situation than can be explained in a couple of paragraphs.

 

Why do I feel like I need to justify myself?

 

This is just awful. I came here to find a safe space to get some perspective, but it is not going to happen here.

 

Trash my heart if it makes you feel better about yourselves, but I think I will take myself elsewhere.

[sooshi]

OP, your title says: emotionally abusive/emotionally unavailable relationship.

 

I understand that it hurts to not hear what you want to hear.

 

This is a safe space, but it's also not a place for coddling.

 

We support each other, and sometimes that takes some tough love.

 

Trust me, I've been told plenty of things that have been painful. But it's because the people saying those things were trying to protect me and help me see past my hope-laden lenses. When I first came here, in my mind, people were telling me things that I believed were wrong. I know now that they were far from mistaken; I just couldn't see, and didn't want to see, the truth of their words. I still hear things I don't want to hear, but I know people here have my best interests at heart. It is through the experiences and compassion for others that they are able to get through to us. But only if we're willing to let them in.

 

You said you wanted some perspective. As someone who has been very--no, severely--co-dependent, I responded to your thread because I can tell you that continuing with this person will only hurt you. I know all about being addicted to someone and having my entire self-worth tied to them. A couple of weeks ago, I did a presentation and read excerpts of a letter from someone who defined my self-worth for the better part of seven years. I cried. My class was so supportive. I read the excerpts, and then I threw the letter in the garbage.

 

You described relationship as one that is emotionally abusive and emotionally unavailable. Now you need to reflect on why are okay with abuse and a lack of mutual interest.

 

I am sorry that you feel like your heart is being trashed. I know you're not hearing what you want to hear, but the truth is, if you keep going with this person, your heart will continue to be trampled on and trashed. It looks like you're not ready to hear anything differently, and I get it. Many of us, including myself, learn the hard way.

 

Take care.

Edited December 2, 2016 by sooshi

[Nini-mouse]

Hi Sooshi,

 

It is not that I am expecting to hear anything in particular. I just feel like I am being totally judged, and that is not a good place from where to make change. A psychologist would never sit there and tell you that you are a piece of ****, but the process of talking, of getting outside the situation and getting perspective can help to make change happen.

 

I wanted a journal space to process my thoughts away from that space, and to grow.

 

It sounds like you are very brave, and that you have been through a lot. I appreciate the time you took to reply to my thread.

 

Thanks!

[sooshi]

Nini,

 

I understand. I've felt judged many times on here, mostly when I first started out here. But that was my own stuff.

 

Just yesterday, I felt judged by someone. This is someone I adore and cherish. She is one of my role models in life. She is so strong and empowering. I knew that what I was feeling really didn't have anything to do with her. I realized that what I was really feeling was scared. Really, really scared. Scared that she was right. Scared that finality had come, and that I wasn't ready to process it.

 

I am sorry if you feel like you've been put down by anyone on here. Sometimes, in the process of dishing out truth, we get hurt by people who mean well. I do not think anyone has said that you are a piece of anything. We're helping you get outside of the situation by giving you a perspective from people who aren't directly involved in the situation. So that change can happen.

 

I hope you will continue to post and that you will find growth and healing.

 

Take care.

Edited December 2, 2016 by sooshi

[Nini-mouse]

Thanks Sooshi,

 

I belong to another forum for a different addiction, and have started opening up about this communication relationship with them. It is amazing, the difference in the response, but maybe that is just because they know me better.

 

My friend said something that really put me in a positive frame of mind, they said that I should spend the weekend doing really rewarding things for me, and not focussing so much on this blog. It was so inspiring! I am definitely going to take his advice, and go swimming, go shopping, go to the movies, hang out with some people and generally love my life, which is a much better place from which to make changes.

 

I don't think this blog thing is so strange, or so superficial and like junk food as the people here make it out to be. It is unusual sure, but it is a great form of self expression. It is creative and rewarding. It is similar to writing in a forum, or that kind of addiction that we all have to varying degrees with Facebook, Instagram or other social media sites. THAT is the electronic chocolate, the rush that you get when you are validated, when someone cares, and is listening to what you say.

 

I have a long way to go, but I came here, after my addiction forum, because I am trying to start to build a world that is stronger and less dependent on my blog for my happiness and validation.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Take care of yourself too, and have a GREAT weekend!

[Satu]

One of the best decisions I ever made was leaving Facebook.

 

I still blog and use Twitter, but Facebook had to go.

 

No regrets.

[sooshi]

Nini,

 

I can relate to you because the person who I handed over my self-worth to for several years--I met him through a blogging website. Often, I wrote because I wanted him to read what I wrote, and to comment. It wasn't healthy.

 

A couple of years ago, I started a blog on codependency. Mostly I just wanted him to think that highly of me because I was doing something good for myself. He was a reader. I would check my blog's stats obsessively to see if he had read my posts. I knew it was unhealthy, so it didn't take long for me to delete that blog. I wasn't doing the blog for the right reasons.

 

As Zahara on here says, we cannot find comfort in what hurts us. If having your blog is causing you more harm than good at this time, perhaps it's best to choose another outlet for your creativity and self-expression.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you make choices that are in your highest interest.

 

Take care.

Edited December 2, 2016 by sooshi

[Redhead14]

Pretty sure actually. I am sure you understand that there is a lot more complexity to this situation than can be explained in a couple of paragraphs.

 

Why do I feel like I need to justify myself?

 

This is just awful. I came here to find a safe space to get some perspective, but it is not going to happen here.

 

Trash my heart if it makes you feel better about yourselves, but I think I will take myself elsewhere.

 

You are getting some "perspective" here. It's just not the one you want. You need to get in touch with reality and out of the "virtual" delusion you've created for yourself.

 

You came here for input, advice, perspective and aren't getting support for this "activity". You are, however, getting useful, healthy advice about the "bigger" picture.

 

You came here, not for advice and perspective, you came here to hear what you want to hear. You've been getting advice and perspective that you don't like from the majority of us and you are rejecting it. That is the equivalent of going to 10 doctors, getting the same diagnosis, and continuing to see doctors until you get the diagnosis you want, instead of accepting the correct diagnosis.

[Nini-mouse]

Thanks, you are so kind and supportive.

 

It is not healthy advice at all to trash people. A psychologist would never do that.

 

Please don't bother posting on my thread again. I find your "advice" and "support" incredibly rude.

 

I am also pretty sure that no one on this thread is an expert, as a doctor would be. How can you sit back and judge someone on the basis of a few lines of description about a complex situation?

 

I came to get some perspective. I don't think that being trashed is particularly helpful.

 

My psychologist has years of training in this kind of thing, and she thinks there are some positive aspects of this "virtual" delusion, as you call it.

 

You get just as much satisfaction from coming to a forum, which is "virtual". I think there are good elements and bad elements of my situation, but I think I will prefer to people who talk in positive language, and don't feel the need to trash other people.

 

You seem to think you are such an EXPERT, and I find that quite frankly, laughable.

[Nini-mouse]

Thanks Sooshi,

 

I guess it is a journey and a process like anything else. I like to see the best in life, and for this weekend, I am concentrating on things that make me feel good outside of the blog. I think it is important to maintain some distance from it.

 

There are definitely positive aspects about any form of creativity and self expression. It is interesting to hear about your experiences with this kind of thing.

 

Other people read my blog, and I work in the digital industry, so I have other 'professional' blogs that I have to continue with, that he also reads. I guess when and if I get to that point, and cut him off, I will have to go limited contact with some of my other blogs.

 

There are definitely other areas for self expression and creativity. This forum is one of them. I think it will be healthy to develop those areas, while growing as a person.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Redhead14]

Thanks, you are so kind and supportive.

 

It is not healthy advice at all to trash people. A psychologist would never do that.

 

Please don't bother posting on my thread again. I find your "advice" and "support" incredibly rude.

 

I am also pretty sure that no one on this thread is an expert, as a doctor would be. How can you sit back and judge someone on the basis of a few lines of description about a complex situation?

 

I came to get some perspective. I don't think that being trashed is particularly helpful.

 

My psychologist has years of training in this kind of thing, and she thinks there are some positive aspects of this "virtual" delusion, as you call it.

 

You get just as much satisfaction from coming to a forum, which is "virtual". I think there are good elements and bad elements of my situation, but I think I will prefer to people who talk in positive language, and don't feel the need to trash other people.

 

You seem to think you are such an EXPERT, and I find that quite frankly, laughable.

 

MiniMouse, I find your screen name, very interesting and gives me a ton of insight.

 

Sometimes people need a kick in the ass. The ones who don't feel it, are the ones who are numb to the reality of their situation. I do not sugarcoat things. If you want to be helped, you need to want help. Until you actually want that, you can't be helped. I don't waste my time or knowledge, insight, experience or education or professional prowess on people who don't want it.

 

I will not denigrate another "professional" as a professional courtesy. However, I do not have to agree with other professionals. And, since this is not a "professional" environment, I am free to express my educated, experienced, personal views/opinions. Take it or leave it. I have a very rich, full life that I enjoy very much in spite of periods of intense loneliness, pain and strife and I am still standing. I would not tolerate abuse of any kind from anyone in real life and certainly not from someone on the other side of a computer.

 

You say it's difficult to elaborate in a couple of paragraphs what you are experiencing . . . so be it. We can only comment on what we read.

[Nini-mouse]

Hi Redhead,

 

I appreciate the time you took to come and share your insight. I don't doubt that you have a wealth of knowledge, insight, experience, education and professional prowess.

 

I don't want to be abused either, so lets just agree to leave the negativity at the door.

 

We are obviously all here because of problems in our relationships and lives, and it is good to hear that you have come so far.

 

I am new here, and like any kind of communication relationship, divulging information takes time and the need to feel like you can trust the people you are talking to.

 

I hope you have a great weekend. I am going to go for a walk in the sunshine.

[Redhead14]

Hi Redhead,

 

I appreciate the time you took to come and share your insight. I don't doubt that you have a wealth of knowledge, insight, experience, education and professional prowess.

 

I don't want to be abused either, so lets just agree to leave the negativity at the door.

 

We are obviously all here because of problems in our relationships and lives, and it is good to hear that you have come so far.

 

I am new here, and like any kind of communication relationship, divulging information takes time and the need to feel like you can trust the people you are talking to.

 

I hope you have a great weekend. I am going to go for a walk in the sunshine.

 

I am going to go for a walk in the sunshine --That is the first healthy thing you've said in this thread. Do more of that. Do more things for yourself that make you happy. Go out and find more things like that. Try anything and everything. Do new things. Get out there and live your life. You don't need anyone else. You may want someone, and that's OK. But, don't invest yourself in something that doesn't enhance your life. A man, or anyone else, shouldn't make you happy, they should only add to the happiness you already have. You need to learn and find other things that make you happy. Tap into your strengths. Do things you've always wanted to do but couldn't for some reason or another. Explore. Be free.

 

If I have come across as abusive, weigh it against what it is you have come here to post about . . . truth is different from abuse.

Edited December 3, 2016 by Redhead14

[Nini-mouse]

I am getting some perspective already. First thing that I notice is that maybe the communication relationship is not the unhealthy thing. There are a lot of positives. It is so nice to have this record of my life to read back on, and it is a good form of self expression.

 

What I noticed this afternoon, though, after my lovely walk and cleaning my house, is that I am a bit addicted to the internet generally. Now, before you start getting all judgemental with me. I am pretty sure this is a pretty common thing.

 

In fact I was watching a child as they were having lunch, absolutely GLUED to his iPhone screen. Crying when someone took it away. It is by its very nature addictive.

 

I like the stimulation of the internet. It is alive, and it is social, and after about an hour of engaging with the internet, I wanted more, but I realised that this is probably the problem more than some guy who reads my blog.

 

I took my glass of wine and went and sat on the couch. I thought about how I would call a good friend at 6 pm, but it turned out that she called me first, at 5.30 pm, and we had a great chat.

 

I am still angry with Turtle (the guy on the blog), but I think Redhead is right in a way, it is about finding hobbies and other things that are not electronic chocolate related.

 

I am getting stronger every day, and notwithstanding the criticism, which doesn't really matter anyway, I am getting some perspective. This is just another place on the internet to talk and communicate and be social, but it will be good to just focus on activities completely outside the internet. Like swimming tomorrow and a gig tonight that my brother wrote to me about this morning.

 

I don't want to get off the internet. I just need a bit more balance. Real life friendships are so rewarding and stimulating.

 

As for Turtle, I realise tonight, that I love him a 'little bit'. Maybe he is just a good friend :-)

[Nini-mouse]

I must say, this thread and the one on another addiction forum is having the desired effect. What I am noticing is that my self esteem is improving. Today I feel like I am getting stronger, and that I don't feel like I will perish if I stop writing on my blog.

 

For so long, it has been such a lovely method of communication and self expression, but I would always feel lost without it. Now, I am starting to get some distance, and I feel more secure in my capacity to survive without it.

 

I was so angry with Turtle last night. He is oh so attentive when he is bored and at work, or during the week, but come the weekend he just dumps me and it really pisses me off. I did go to that gig, but it was too late notice to find a friend to come along, so I was out alone, and this had the effect of noticing that Turtle was stonewalling me.

 

I walked home, at about midnight, absolutely furious. I was cursing the whole way home. I was so angry.

 

Today, I want to do more positive things that will help me to get stronger. I have to wait for half an hour after breakfast, to go and swim laps, but I think that will be nice. I am reading the paper, I just feel like I have more distance and dare I say, more self respect. And that is pretty amazing!!

[Nini-mouse]

I feel sad. Maybe it was too early to go and tell a whole heap of strangers that I am feeling more powerful. Perhaps I have already given a little too much of myself away on this thread, and now, I feel exposed and vulnerable.

 

I guess it would be easier to go places where I feel supported and cared for, or at least ignored.

 

I have to sit with this feeling, I guess, but it is sad, because I really felt as though I was getting stronger.

 

I can swim in 15 minutes.