Is that it? Will we never see each other again?

[h647]

Here is a quick summary. My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly two years. On the whole it has been great, some arguments every now and again but nothing major. She is quite fiery and I am very laid back so this normally meant any dispute dissolved fairly quickly. We have been on various holidays together and were saving to buy a place together. She already had her own place while I was renting. Over the last 6 months or so, her job has become very stressful and she has been suffering from bad anxiety because of this – For example, constantly checking emails and being upset about work to the point where she would cry at the prospect of going in. She was also working very long hours which meant she couldn’t maintain a healthy lifestyle which affected her confidence drastically. I tried my best to support her during this time and reassure her but every so often she would have an outburst at me for no real reason. She would always apologise and we would just move on. I moved into her place and after a couple of days she had a bit of a breakdown and said everything was too much for her and she needed to sort herself out. She apologised for everything and said she didn’t mean to hurt me. I packed up my things and left. I was angry and felt like I had been strung along for a ride. I have deleted her contact details and have no plans to reach out. Is this the right thing to do?

[Expectmore]

She has some issues to work out on her own.

She had you move in then got sketchy!!

Thats not cool to do to someone.

She flipped your life upside down.

I would walk away too before you have a true bond together and she gets wierd one day and says she wants out.

[fromheart]

You've completely done the right thing. She has no right to take out her issues and work stress on you.

[h647]

Hi, thanks for the responses. I still care for her and want her to be ok and the suddenness of all this has taken me by surprise. We had booked a mini break for early in the new year and things like that.

 

I think I need to look after myself though and to be order to do that I think I need to cut of all contact and just try and get on with things.

[Satu]

snip

I think I need to look after myself though and to be order to do that I think I need to cut of all contact and just try and get on with things.

 

Absolutely right.

 

Concentrate on your own wellbeing.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete her from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[fromheart]

Hi, thanks for the responses. I still care for her and want her to be ok and the suddenness of all this has taken me by surprise. We had booked a mini break for early in the new year and things like that.

 

I think I need to look after myself though and to be order to do that I think I need to cut of all contact and just try and get on with things.

 

 

Would it be ok for you to come home stressed and take it out on her? No. That works both ways, its just as bad and abusive if the woman is doing it, for whatever reason.

 

Definitely look after yourself first.

[h647]

But I still love her. Do I reach out and try and help her or leave it? It is so weird not seeing her or speaking to her.

[DarrenB]

But I still love her. Do I reach out and try and help her or leave it? It is so weird not seeing her or speaking to her.

 

It may seem weird and be a hurtful process but it is all for the better.

 

It's best for the both of you to take a distant breather from each other. Staying in contact and reaching out immediately will not help the situation, only provoke it and initiate more conflict between the two of you.

 

Time is incredibly beneficial and can help you in so many ways. Take that time to calm things down and let things subside. Whatever happens from there is something to worry about weeks, months from now, not in the present time.

[h647]

Everyone is right and a complete break is the best thing. As I mentioned above we had a trip booked for the new year. Should I just write this off and move on. There is no way of me resolving the issue without contact which isn't necessarily what I want to do.

[spiderowl]

Yes, you did the right thing. You can only support someone so far before their issues become real problems for you. It sounds like they were out of hand and she was not able to cope with a relationship with you as well. If she took it out on you shortly after you'd moved in with her, then how would it be years down the line?

 

Can you cancel your part of the trip? Leave her to cancel her part. If you can't do that, then maybe best to send her the details and just back out. If it cost a lot, then you will probably want to recoup your share. If it didn't cost much, I would just leave it so you don't have to have contact.

Edited November 28, 2016 by spiderowl

[h647]

In a few weeks could a letter of some sort be an issue? Just explaining that I have no ill feelings and that I hope she can come out the other side of whatever she is going through.

[LargoLagg]

In a few weeks could a letter of some sort be an issue? Just explaining that I have no ill feelings and that I hope she can come out the other side of whatever she is going through.

All that would do is postpone the day forever starts. If you think about it, once you've decided you're gone for good, it doesn't matter what you wish for her, or what she thinks you wish for her.

 

If "goodbye forever" is your ultimate goal, then embrace it. Don't sabotage it.

[h647]

But if this is down to her anxiety should I reach out to her so she knows I can support her? I have been reading up on anxiety and there is some thought that this is an option. Or am I clutching at straws? She is a kind person and had spoke about marriage. Then a small thing could trigger flip in personality, almost like a flick of a switch. Normally, we rode it out and she would come back to normal. At the time of me leaving, it was too much for me to see. She said some not so nice things and I had to take myself away from the situation. I don't want her to feel abandoned though. But maybe I am being too nice and that is the problem.

[fromheart]

But I still love her. Do I reach out and try and help her or leave it? It is so weird not seeing her or speaking to her.

 

 

Love is self respect to yourself first and foremost. If someone is being aggressive and insecure towards you, the best way to help you and them is to step away and let her know that this is not ok behavior. She can communicate like an adult if she wants, or you give her the gift of missing you.

 

Like many of the men here, you sound like a good person who wants to stand by a woman and save her, even if she's inflicting her issues upon you. I used to be the same way.

 

The more you remain available to her while she is disrespecting you, the more she will treat you like a doormat. She is an adult and must save herself.

[Logo]

h647,

 

Your girlfriend isn't going to work out her stress issues over night. It's going to take her a while, perhaps a few months to figure things out. If work is constantly stressful, then she needs to either change jobs, find a way to better manage her work, or find a way to cope with the stress and channel it in positive ways.

 

The real test for a couple is when they weather what life throws at them and they come out the other side stronger and closer.

 

You wrote: "I tried my best to support her during this time and reassure her"

 

It sounds like you have done your share.

 

How old is she, if you don't mind my asking?

[Onekey]

Stress take a terrible toll on people. It literally drains the brain of resources (glucose in particular) and makes loving others hard. I've been on the receiving end of this, too. There isn't a lot you can do. Either accept it and move on or ride it out and see if she changes her atttitude towards you. Whatever you do, don't burn bridges. You never know.

[h647]

She is 28. The confusing thing for me is how sudden things change. When I moved in, she had a nice card for me with a really heartfelt message etc and then a few days later it was the complete opposite, like a switch had been flicked and the only way for her to deal with it was to try and push me away. I really think this is down to the anxiety. The problem is for me it was hard to deal with. She was physically shaking and crying and saying sorry for letting me down and that I am going to hate her but she couldn't deal with me moving in. She then left for her parents. I packed up my stuff and left when she got back. I said I don't her and she hasn't let me down. I was angry at the time and we have had no contact since. On reflection, I think the anxiety is to blame but I don't think she is ready to seek help for this. Really don't know how to let things play out from here. I hate the thought of her suffering through this alone but also need to think about myself. That is why I thought a letter could be handy. I could explain that i know when she has these moments it's like a different person and not really her.

[fromheart]

I don't think she is ready to seek help for this.

 

 

Then what can you do? If she isn't helping herself she isn't going to get better. Unless she does get help, even if you got back the same thing will happen again.

[h647]

But I assume she is scared and feels alone.

[h647]

I have wrote in her a letter. I haven'e sent it yet. Will sit on it for a few days before sending just so I make sure I am happy to send it.

 

I basically just say that I can't fully understand her anxiety but I know its not personal to me. I know she thinks its the best way to deal with things at the time but doesn't mean to hurt me. I have said I will remember the thoughtful, loving person I know and have no ill feelings towards her. I just want to her to be happy and get herself sorted and do whatever it takes to make that happen. I don't beg for us to start again and explain that whatever will happen will happen and it doesn't really matter right now. What matters is she doesn't feel alone and doesn't blame herself. I say I don't need or expect a response but explain I am here if needed and she is not alone.

[Survivor12]

I have wrote in her a letter. I haven'e sent it yet. Will sit on it for a few days before sending just so I make sure I am happy to send it.

 

I basically just say that I can't fully understand her anxiety but I know its not personal to me. I know she thinks its the best way to deal with things at the time but doesn't mean to hurt me. I have said I will remember the thoughtful, loving person I know and have no ill feelings towards her. I just want to her to be happy and get herself sorted and do whatever it takes to make that happen. I don't beg for us to start again and explain that whatever will happen will happen and it doesn't really matter right now. What matters is she doesn't feel alone and doesn't blame herself. I say I don't need or expect a response but explain I am here if needed and she is not alone.

 

Why add to her anxiety? I'm sure it was very stressful for her to open up to you about how she was feeling & to break things off. She broke up with YOU. She KNOWS it wasn't your choice & that you care about her. If she wanted your "help", she would reach out (and wouldn't have broken up with you in the first place).

 

Please do you both a favor & don't send the letter. It will only push her away further. Respecting her wishes is your best option. Don't put her in the position of having to decide whether to ignore you or reach out to protect your feelings. By leaving things as they are, you are effectively proving to her that you DO care about her.

 

Once you reach the point of acceptance, your healing can begin.

[h647]

Why add to her anxiety? I'm sure it was very stressful for her to open up to you about how she was feeling & to break things off. She broke up with YOU. She KNOWS it wasn't your choice & that you care about her. If she wanted your "help", she would reach out (and wouldn't have broken up with you in the first place).

 

Please do you both a favor & don't send the letter. It will only push her away further. Respecting her wishes is your best option. Don't put her in the position of having to decide whether to ignore you or reach out to protect your feelings. By leaving things as they are, you are effectively proving to her that you DO care about her.

 

Once you reach the point of acceptance, your healing can begin.

 

I have acceptance, i just don't want her to feel like she has to go through this alone.

[h647]

Does everyone think it would be wrong to send the letter?

[Ostepop]

Here is a quick summary. My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly two years. On the whole it has been great, some arguments every now and again but nothing major. She is quite fiery and I am very laid back so this normally meant any dispute dissolved fairly quickly. We have been on various holidays together and were saving to buy a place together. She already had her own place while I was renting. Over the last 6 months or so, her job has become very stressful and she has been suffering from bad anxiety because of this – For example, constantly checking emails and being upset about work to the point where she would cry at the prospect of going in. She was also working very long hours which meant she couldn’t maintain a healthy lifestyle which affected her confidence drastically. I tried my best to support her during this time and reassure her but every so often she would have an outburst at me for no real reason. She would always apologise and we would just move on. I moved into her place and after a couple of days she had a bit of a breakdown and said everything was too much for her and she needed to sort herself out. She apologised for everything and said she didn’t mean to hurt me. I packed up my things and left. I was angry and felt like I had been strung along for a ride. I have deleted her contact details and have no plans to reach out. Is this the right thing to do?

 

Glad i'm not the only one who's had this **** done to him. Day after i moved in with my ex's parents, she said her brother (who also lives there) had raped her for 6 years, and everyone tried to figure out how to push it under the rug in the best way possible. It ended with me packing up and leaving as well. But i was stupid enough to reach out again after.. You're stupid when you're in love.

[h647]

Any other opinions on the letter? We have had no contact since the blowout but I know we have to speak at some point anyway to sort out a few issues such as a planned holiday and rent etc.

 

The letter doesn't say lets try again, just that i know it wasn't her intention for this to happen and the most important thing right now is that she gets herself sorted. I thought it may help her he;p herself if she knows I don't blame her.