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Over before it ever really began...


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Sorry for the long post in advance...

 

I met this girl three months ago when I was out with friends, I didn't know who she was we just met and got talking. I spent the rest of my night with her that night and we kissed a lot, I stayed at her flat but nothing happened. The next morning she asked if I'd see her again and I said yes, I really liked this girl straight away, we had so much in common and she was everything I wanted in a girl pretty much.

 

We dated for three months and it was great, I'd been single for two years and had been getting a bit frustrated that I couldn't find anyone that peaked my interest and she came along. She had only been out of a three year relationship about a month or so which I think was a red flag. She had broken up with him and he also lives in another country. After about two months we still hadn't had sex although we'd done everything else. We would fool around, It would be hot and heavy but when we went to properly have sex, she would get this mental block. She could tell I was getting a little frustrated so decided to open up to me and informed me she was raped when she was younger and it also nearly happened a second time with a random stranger in the street. They both happened 4 years ago and she took a year out from guys, she has only been with one guy since it happened (her ex), she has suffered from anxiety and depression and was on meds for this for a year. When she was in school she also seen a psychologist as the school were worried she was too socially withdrawn.

 

We had one argument in our time together which was last week, I got far too drunk on her birthday last weekend and in turn she had to look after me which obviously annoyed her, she really had a go at me and afterwards she said she realized she was still highly anxious. Come Monday she told me she wanted to talk so I called her, she informed me that she had forgiven me for my antics but she wasn't sure what she wanted. She asked if we could meet on Tuesday to discuss it properly in person so I agreed.

 

I went to hers and we talked, she basically told me that she's been very anxious again recently and it's affecting her life, she has just handed in her notice at work too because of this and is also struggling with her last year at university. Her flat mate has recently got a boyfriend and she said she is glad because it means she can spend plenty of time alone. She said she really likes me and finds me attractive, but it's not fair on me as she doesn't know when she will feel "right" again and didn't want to keep me waiting for sex. She said she wished I'd met her in a few months time instead when she had put a good amount of distance between me and her ex and her anxiety had settled. The weird thing was I never really noticed this anxiety, it was obviously going on in her head but she always seemed happy around me, it never affected our time together until now.

 

She told me that she is hoping that she feels better in a few months and would like to try again (I'm aware this is probably a cliche). I asked her if there was anyone else (as this is usually the case) and she said definitely not, she also told me it's not because of her ex either (he asked her to try again when we were seeing each other and she said no). She feels that because she met me so soon after him she didn't spend much time alone and her anxiety manifested again, she said she is scared to commit to me because she doesn't feel stable mentally, she is happy when she's with me but feels anxious when I'm not around. I asked her if she was sure this was what she wanted because as soon as I walked out of her flat that would be it, she got upset and said she wasn't even certain she was making the right decision. She feels I'm the right person in the wrong time.

 

I did the complete opposite of what I did with my last ex (the reason I joined LS), I kept my emotions in check, let her do most of the talking and tried to act as indifferent as I could. I told her that I was obviously disappointed because I liked her and felt we'd had a great but all be it short run together, but that I understood her decision and respected it. She asked if we could still text and stuff and I said it probably wouldn't be appropriate for the time being.

 

This is where I got confused; we were sitting on her bed and I could see her staring at me constantly out of the corner of my eye, she kept touching me and trying to hold my hand. I looked back at her and it was really intense, next thing I know she throws herself on top of me and we're naked, fooling around. Afterwards we're laid in bed and she's being affectionate and kissing me constantly, things were 'normal' for a bit, it was as if we were together still for an hour. We laid there chatting about unrelated topics and I remember thinking in my head "why are we even ending this? She seems so happy and into me right now". I guess it was a farewell thing?

 

I had to go to get the last train and she asked me to spend the night which I thought was weird, I obviously said no and she wanted to walk me to the train station so I agreed. I wished her well, she kissed me again and I went on my way. That was Tuesday night, haven't spoken since. On my way to work the next day I could feel something in my jacket pocket, I realised that she'd put a bag in there with some chocolate in it when I was using her toilet or whatever without telling me, I thought this was strange too.

 

I guess my question is, did she really end things because of her mental state or do you guys think there was someone else/or ex still on her mind? did she just jump into dating to soon and I met her at the wrong time?

 

It's as if she wanted to break up with me but didn't too, her actions contradicted her words. My previous ex was indifferent to me and cold, you could tell she had moved on in her mind and didn't care for me anymore. This time, we'd had no issues, there were no signs, it didn't appear that she had "checked out". She was emotional, must still find me attractive to want to fool around and constantly kiss me and want my attention etc.

 

Obviously like any person fresh out of ending things with someone they like, I am kinda hoping that she has time to herself, and because I left her on a positive note and in a good light she realises what she's missing. However with it only being three months I think the likelihood is she will forget about me by time she is ready to date again.

 

Anyway, it feels good to write this, re-read it and post it. I feel down but I'm doing ok I guess, a lot better than I thought I would be. Obviously I've implemented NC and plan on keeping it this way.

Edited by Jimmyjackson
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I don't think this is about you at all. Infact, she did you a favor. She let you go before you got yourself too attached. Sometimes its not you, its me is the truth. She is fresh off a break up and you come rolling in and its fun. A few months pass and she realizes "oh ****e" I'm heading into a relationship which will take work, and feelings, my time and it wont be all rainbows and lollipops so she wants to cut it off because she feels pressure(real or not). She doesn't want to feel pressure so she is cutting it off. The pressure is causing anxiety. The anxiety is the old relationship which is too fresh and being with you is bringing up old issues. she told you this is she is not lying. Nothing you can do about it. its all her.

 

The whole sex even though she wants to break up is because she likes you still. She wants to texts to keep you in her life. This girl is confused and that is a recipe for heartbreak so let her go for now.

 

My Advice: if you want her in your life, leave her alone. Give her space. Get on with life and open your options. If she wants to come back, she will. This is so fresh that you could literally start fresh in a years time. If you chase her, that will create pressure, she will run like hell.

 

2 years without a relationship will cause you to think you have to hang on to this one, but don't do that man. This is not working for her the way you want it to be. Sadly, I'm a betting man and I would bet this wont go the way you want it to one way or the other. This girl need to figure herself out and that wont happen quickly.

 

Oh, There is no other guy here. So don't beat yourself up thinking that.

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I don't think this is about you at all. Infact, she did you a favor. She let you go before you got yourself too attached. Sometimes its not you, its me is the truth. She is fresh off a break up and you come rolling in and its fun. A few months pass and she realizes "oh ****e" I'm heading into a relationship which will take work, and feelings, my time and it wont be all rainbows and lollipops so she wants to cut it off because she feels pressure(real or not). She doesn't want to feel pressure so she is cutting it off. The pressure is causing anxiety. The anxiety is the old relationship which is too fresh and being with you is bringing up old issues. she told you this is she is not lying. Nothing you can do about it. its all her.

 

The whole sex even though she wants to break up is because she likes you still. She wants to texts to keep you in her life. This girl is confused and that is a recipe for heartbreak so let her go for now.

 

My Advice: if you want her in your life, leave her alone. Give her space. Get on with life and open your options. If she wants to come back, she will. This is so fresh that you could literally start fresh in a years time. If you chase her, that will create pressure, she will run like hell.

 

2 years without a relationship will cause you to think you have to hang on to this one, but don't do that man. This is not working for her the way you want it to be. Sadly, I'm a betting man and I would bet this wont go the way you want it to one way or the other. This girl need to figure herself out and that wont happen quickly.

 

Oh, There is no other guy here. So don't beat yourself up thinking that.

 

I agree with everything you said, you hit the nail on the head I think. I've never experienced anxiety or depression so I can't possibly comprehend what someone might go through.

 

I've already taken your advice, this is the mistake I made with my last ex, it was my first break up and I didn't know how to act - I begged and pleaded, stayed in contact. Not this time though, I've stayed NC since and I am planning on keep it that way, maybe some day in the future we bump into each other and we can catch up.

 

I am out this weekend and a little worried I'll bump into her as we visit the same places, I am going to make sure I don't drink much so I keep my composure, she said if she sees me out and she's drunk she will end up asking me back to hers which is the last dilemma I need when intoxicated haha.

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Ok so I'm out drinking last night and after implementing no contact since she ended things on Tuesday, she texts me asking me If I'm out at 2am. I replied and just said "I am, you?" ... to which she told me she was in another city about 200 miles away. I asked her why did she ask then and she replied "I don't know, inertia". She said sorry for not making any sense and wished me goodnight, I just replied with "goodnight" and haven't spoken since.

 

I don't mind speaking to her now and again as I don't hold any bad feelings towards her, I actually feel ok breaking NC too and resuming it again. I just remained calm and collect in my messages back, I was quite surprised I did as I was pretty drunk. I don't really understand why she would ask if I was out when she's in a different location, perhaps an excuse to talk to me? Maybe she didn't expect me to go silent?

 

 

Admittedly, I had to google define the word 'inertia'.

Edited by Jimmyjackson
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LOL, Inertia! interesting choice of words for her to use. Just so open for interpretation. stay NC my man. she doesn't like it

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LOL, Inertia! interesting choice of words for her to use. Just so open for interpretation. stay NC my man. she doesn't like it

 

I know, don't think she expected me to vanish! I wasn't surprised she reached out, she seems conflicted.

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OH, She is conflicted! That's why your here in the first place!!

 

Your only conflict is your pissed she is pulling this crap. NC is a win win. She either comes back or you move on. altleast give it til the new year

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OH, She is conflicted! That's why your here in the first place!!

 

Your only conflict is your pissed she is pulling this crap. NC is a win win. She either comes back or you move on. altleast give it til the new year

 

I'm disappointed more than anything as I believe we'd be great together, it's not like its ended due to a loss of feelings or cheating or whatever, we were still in the 'honey moon phase', it just wasn't the right time as mentioned in my first post!

 

It's just a shame we met at the wrong time! maybe space will give her time to think and get her head in gear again...

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I recognize a lot of what you describe from my own relationship, that first brought me to these forums.

Like the posters above have said, there is no other guy and "It's not you, it's me" is sometimes true.

Speaking from hard-earned experience, you have nothing to gain from maintaining contact right now. She needs to sort herself out and there is little you can do to help that.

Staying in touch will just cause you more heartbreak and won't get her back. Only remind you of what you have lost.

As hard as it is, I'd cut all contact and try to move on. Some things just aren't meant to be.

Maybe you two will get another chance someday, but that will not be someday soon.

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I recognize a lot of what you describe from my own relationship, that first brought me to these forums.

Like the posters above have said, there is no other guy and "It's not you, it's me" is sometimes true.

Speaking from hard-earned experience, you have nothing to gain from maintaining contact right now. She needs to sort herself out and there is little you can do to help that.

Staying in touch will just cause you more heartbreak and won't get her back. Only remind you of what you have lost.

As hard as it is, I'd cut all contact and try to move on. Some things just aren't meant to be.

Maybe you two will get another chance someday, but that will not be someday soon.

 

Yeah I think you're right, it's just annoying when the only thing stopping us from seeing each other is bad timing and mental health. I feel like we have unfinished business so to speak.

 

I guess all I can do is stay away and if she changes her mind she'll let me know as her feelings won't go away I don't think because we didn't get sick of each other or anything like that.

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Yeah I think you're right, it's just annoying when the only thing stopping us from seeing each other is bad timing and mental health. I feel like we have unfinished business so to speak.

 

I guess all I can do is stay away and if she changes her mind she'll let me know as her feelings won't go away I don't think because we didn't get sick of each other or anything like that.

 

 

I know exactly how you feel. My relationship ended in february for the same reasons as yours, and I've thought so many times since then that if I'd only met her 6 months later..

It's really hard to take, that it doesn't end because of anything in the relationship, but because of something that happened before you even met.

 

Staggerlee71s post is fantastic, it contains everything I wish I'd understood back then.

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I know exactly how you feel. My relationship ended in february for the same reasons as yours, and I've thought so many times since then that if I'd only met her 6 months later..

It's really hard to take, that it doesn't end because of anything in the relationship, but because of something that happened before you even met.

 

Staggerlee71s post is fantastic, it contains everything I wish I'd understood back then.

 

I'll just have to leave her be, maybe we'll get another shot at it in the future!

 

I just found it strange how when she ended things she was still hot for me, affectionate and found me attractive, didn't appear indifferent whatsoever!

Edited by Jimmyjackson
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The reason why she jumped on you after talking about ending it, was the way you handled it. Being indifferent, completely giving space, refusing her offer of friendzone texts as its not what you wanted.

 

You showed strength and integrity and though she was the one ending it, your actions demonstrated a massive amount of self respect which she in turn found incredibly attractive. Well done.

 

I hope every man reads and takes note of this.

 

Continue to walk on and look after yourself.

 

She'll probably reach out to you again, I'd personally not date such a girl as she needs therapy and self work to heal the traumas she's been through. Once you become available and settled with her, its possible that she will create a drama, or just leave you again. Unresolved trauma, creates drama.

 

But anything is possible in the future.

Edited by fromheart
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The reason why she jumped on you after talking about ending it, was the way you handled it. Being indifferent, completely giving space, refusing her offer of friendzone texts as its not what you wanted.

 

You showed strength and integrity and though she was the one ending it, your actions demonstrated a massive amount of self respect which she in turn found incredibly attractive. Well done.

 

I hope every man reads and takes note of this.

 

Continue to walk on and look after yourself.

 

She'll probably reach out to you again, I'd personally not date such a girl as she needs therapy and self work to heal the traumas she's been through. Once you become available and settled with her, its possible that she will create a drama, or just leave you again. Unresolved trauma, creates drama.

 

But anything is possible in the future.

 

 

Thank you! This post made me feel better haha.

 

I personally did not know of these past issues with her at first obviously, was after a couple of months she opened up and told me, I already liked her by that point and figured everyone has a past and things they've had to deal with. I just didn't anticipate it would end our time together as there weren't any signs.

 

I did the exact opposite with my last girlfriend so I learned from my mistakes I guess. Whenever I feel like reaching out I just think "what's the point? It won't change anything. If she needs space to 'sort herself out' then a week or so isn't going to have had much effect". Then I just talk myself out of it.

 

But I agree, I think she will reach out again as she seemed to end things without actually wanting to, like I said, her actions seemed to contradict her words.

 

Who knows, nothing I can do.

Edited by Jimmyjackson
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Can't stop thinking about her today for some reason, I feel very emotional and I'm hungover which doesn't help.

 

I keep making up things in my head like has she met someone new or will she ever contact me again.

 

How can I resist these urges and stay strong? How can I take my mind off it? Really miss this girl.

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Strong possibility that I'll end up bumping into her this weekend when I'm out drinking, any advice or tips on how to handle it if I do see her?

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When I saw my ex fore the first time after our break, I walked right up to her said hello and gave her a hug. Did some quick catching up, flirted a bit and left. It was in the middle of her office at the end of the day with a few peeps around but it wasn't a social situation. I knew by the way she hugged me and smelled me she still had feelings. I got the hell out of there.

 

I broke NC last week BTW. In the immortal words of Fred Sanford "Big Dummy"

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When I saw my ex fore the first time after our break, I walked right up to her said hello and gave her a hug. Did some quick catching up, flirted a bit and left. It was in the middle of her office at the end of the day with a few peeps around but it wasn't a social situation. I knew by the way she hugged me and smelled me she still had feelings. I got the hell out of there.

 

I broke NC last week BTW. In the immortal words of Fred Sanford "Big Dummy"

 

If I see her I'll wave or something, if she approaches I think I'll just try act as cool as possible even though it will be killing me inside haha. Might have to ask her what she meant by 'Inertia' mind!

 

Oh yeah how did that happen?

 

I've been tempted to a lot but then I thought she's not reached out to me since so obviously isn't bothered either. Plus I've been unwell and I think I've just felt emotional generally. Went back to work today after 12 days off, was a real struggle.

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When people break up or don't really want a relationship, they come up with all sorts of past and present issues which are 'preventing' them from being in a relationship right now. I would not question that this girl has been through the trauma she mentioned and she is not long out of a relationship, but I think if someone is really interested in you they will show it and follow up. She was just messing you around. Yes, I think your dignity did make you more attractive at the point of break-up, but quite frankly she was doing a wonderful job of screwing with your head. I would be wary of rekindling anything later on, if I were you.

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I thought about her inertia comment. There are several definitions before it but I would think she meant nothing has changed since NC so she would shake it up a bit.

 

I broke NC with a Buzz after dinner and drinks. Turned into a 8 hour phone conversation, her wanting me to come over and me up all night and right to work. She told me she loves me, she not dating, asked if I am, said she thinks of me everyday, with the cru de gras statement" I have a grand plan to win you back and marry you". Chicks got some set I tell ya. I will say she did clear up a lot fabricated crap in my head.

 

Me and you are in similar situations. My ex is truly struggling between dating, me, her ex, trust issues, being vulnerable etc. She needs a lot time and I told her she has it.

 

Set me back a bit but moving keep on keep on. I have to remind myself still, especially at night, not to call her, text her. I Brooke it cause I thought I was stronger, not yet. I'm 5 months and doing well but not out of the woods so keep on NC and let things fall where they will

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When people break up or don't really want a relationship, they come up with all sorts of past and present issues which are 'preventing' them from being in a relationship right now. I would not question that this girl has been through the trauma she mentioned and she is not long out of a relationship, but I think if someone is really interested in you they will show it and follow up. She was just messing you around. Yes, I think your dignity did make you more attractive at the point of break-up, but quite frankly she was doing a wonderful job of screwing with your head. I would be wary of rekindling anything later on, if I were you.

 

As difficult as it was to read, you might be right. I guess she risked losing me so can't have been that bothered? Mind you, I don't think she messed with my head intentionally. I think the chances of rekindling are slim anyway, we only dated three months, she will have probably forgotten about me by the new year?

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I thought about her inertia comment. There are several definitions before it but I would think she meant nothing has changed since NC so she would shake it up a bit.

 

I broke NC with a Buzz after dinner and drinks. Turned into a 8 hour phone conversation, her wanting me to come over and me up all night and right to work. She told me she loves me, she not dating, asked if I am, said she thinks of me everyday, with the cru de gras statement" I have a grand plan to win you back and marry you". Chicks got some set I tell ya. I will say she did clear up a lot fabricated crap in my head.

 

Me and you are in similar situations. My ex is truly struggling between dating, me, her ex, trust issues, being vulnerable etc. She needs a lot time and I told her she has it.

 

Set me back a bit but moving keep on keep on. I have to remind myself still, especially at night, not to call her, text her. I Brooke it cause I thought I was stronger, not yet. I'm 5 months and doing well but not out of the woods so keep on NC and let things fall where they will

 

Either way sounds promising a bit though, she seems interested in you still if that's what you want.

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