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Volatile relationship needs to end - how do I end it for good?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Old 9th April 2005, 4:30 PM   #1
WantingOut
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Volatile relationship needs to end - how do I end it for good?

I'm in an unhealthy relationship and I want out. I got out once before but he came back 4 months later professing undying love and that I was "the one" for him. I was lonely and my father just died so I went back. Bad move - I know but now 6 months later I'm right back where I started - he gets angry, loses his temper and he scares me.

I know he's not right for me and definately not a good role model for my son - I want to end it and not be talked into going back. I have no other family so it's hard because I get so lonely.

I broke up with him this morning after he screamed at my son for opening a Coke and getting the coke on his new leather seats of his truck. My son did not intentionally spill Coke on his truck seat - it was an accident. He claims my son aimed the Coke at his son when he opened it and sprayed Coke everywhere. He blew a fuse and lost his temper and yelled at my son which was totally uncalled for. We were all going to the beach. I got scared and upset from his outburst and demanded he take me and my son home. He kept saying he would not take me home and I got scared. Then I told him "I demand you take me home right now, please". He called me names then dropped me off at my house. I was scared and very upset.

His son is a horrible kid and has done worse things but I have never yelled at his son - it's not my place, I am not his mother. He is not the father of my son and I will never allow someone to yell at my son for something so insignificant.

I've been in this relationship on and off for 2 years. He rushed marriage after we were together for only 6 months - we got married then he became crazy and demanding - I refused to move into his house and divorced him 4 months later. He scares me and I don't trust him. Then after we were divorced for 4 months out of the blue he comes back and says he made mistakes but loves me, etc.

I can't stand his son because the kid is a total delinquent. My son is well mannered and behaved (not perfect by all means but he's been raised with standards)- yet "N" and his son make fun of him and tell me he's too "soft".

It's just a bad situation and I want out once and for all - I have to break free of him and go on. I have never been able to trust him, he's not what I want in a husband or a father for my child - yet he was a good friend of my late husband's and I know his family and we have been together now for 2 years - his family is good to me and my son but it's never felt right. I've had so many doubts and reservations.

And I just don't think it will ever work - me and my son are too different from him and his son. I've always felt he's got a bad temper and I could never leave my son alone with him and his son - they "bully" my son and tease him. He wonders why I won't marry him and we move in - this is why. I have always felt a gut feeling something bad might happen.

Today his outburst towards my son was uncalled for - if spilled Coke was the issue he could have asked my son in a calmer more mature manner to please not spill it on his seats - not lose his temper and call my son a liar and say he did it on purpose.

It's good this happened - I saw today that I could not be with this man any longer - my gut feelings are yelling "get away". I just need some support. When he dropped me and my son off at our house I just looked at him and said "Your outburst was so uncalled for - I refuse to let you ever yell at my son in that manner".

My son was just scared he wouldn't take us home. He said "Mom he's not right for you".

So it's over - I'm just a little shaken up and upset although I know it's over and I cannot tolerate this man any longer. I won't go back - I don't need him for anything. I have a nice house, job and plenty of money - leaving him the first time was easy and I never looked back - he's the one who came back.

Now I've just got to stop being nice and letting him back into my life - I've got to keep him out and move on. I'm afraid once he calms down and a few days pass he'll call or come over. I'm scared because I don't want to deal with this - I want it over for good.

Any advice how to keep him out of my life? I want it over - it's not a healthy relationship and I refuse to settle for someone who has no respect for me or my son.
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Old 10th April 2005, 6:25 PM   #2
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this man is definatley not right for you like you said being nasty with your son was uncalled for and like you say if he gets nasty thats scary especially if he actually hits you thats not nice ( i should know) please for you and your son dont let him back into your life or somethimg really bad could happen if he calls tell him its over and if need be get a restraining order against him good luck
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Old 10th April 2005, 6:59 PM   #3
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You did the right thing leaving him. If he scares you, and has made threats against you, go see the police and ask them how you can go about getting a personal protection order. He will know that if he ever comes around again, he could get arrested. Do not take his calls or messages. That will let him get back inside of your head. But even if you dodge him effectively enough, he will eventually get you on the phone, or run into your somewhere and say sweet things. This is why ultimately it comes down to whether or not you can decide that you do not want to make him a permanent part of your life, and stick with that decision. Still though, enforcing a very strict no contact policy with him (no phone, no text, no email, and definately NO personal contact) is a step in the right direction.

From what you have described, this guy is BAD news, and you do NOT want him anywhere near your son, or your son may see his example, end up just like him. If you can't let go of him for yourself, do it for your kid!

Last edited by WithOrWithoutYou; 10th April 2005 at 7:03 PM..
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Old 10th April 2005, 8:06 PM   #4
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Can you move?

I'd seriously consider getting some advanced help from a women's shelter or some sort on this, restraining orders and such are good but you need to figure out how to get away from a man who has the potential violence in him to kill you or your son.
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Old 10th April 2005, 9:18 PM   #5
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I have taken steps for protection. Fortunately I live in nice townhomes and my neighbors watch out for each other and there are some big guys who live near me. I've informed them of my situation and that I am in the process of ending a bad relationship and not sure what he's capable of. They all have his truck information and they've seen him so they know what he looks like.

Since he works long hours and is usually exhausted when he gets home in the evenings and has a son a year older than my son - he's pretty preoccupied most of the time. I don't think he'd come harass me unless it was a weekend and he's had few drinks. All in all I've got neighbors aware.

I'm 100% sure it's over and I can stick to the no contact rule with no problem. I have no desire to contact him at all. It's just the problem of him popping up when I least expect it. Last time we went 4 months apart and then out of the blue he knocks on my door.

He's got two jackets of mine I'd really like back but at this point I don't care. I want nothing to do with him and don't trust him at all. It's just the worry of him "popping up" at my doorstep or contacting me.

Thanks for your kind responses - I'm very strong and am determined to get away from him. Just being a single mom by myself is a bit scary sometimes. I'll watch my back that's for sure - and if necessary I will get a restraining order but I hope it won't come to that.
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Old 11th April 2005, 12:02 AM   #6
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WantingOut, you've done the right thing by getting out of this relationship now. From what you've said about him he is without a doubt an abuser. Without a doubt? Yes, because there is no reason in the world why a person with reasonable mental health would do what he has done.

All that you could look forward to in a life with this person is an escalation of violence directed at you, your son and possibly his son.

Now on to how do you end it for good.

On average an abused woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times before she finally leaves permanently.

Having a support system to help you stay committed to keeping this abuser out of your life may be critical to your success. Check out some local domestic violence support centers, call their office and ask for an appointment to be evaluated for counselling and/or to get into a group for survivors of domestic violence. I have no doubt that you'll be accepted. In counselling you may learn more about the dynamics of an abusive relationship, how to recognize abuse and so on. In group you'll hear other women tell your story and that will give you an unbelievable amount of resolve and strength to keep the abuser out of your life and you won't feel so alone with your challenge. Also, google "domestic violence" and start reading.

As for your coats, consider them a small price to pay for a new life. Keep your no contact policy and best of luck to you and your son.
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Old 11th April 2005, 6:44 PM   #7
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there's a book called 'Why does he do that?-inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft which I recommend, also 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans.

Living with someone who outbursts is unbearable stress for you and the children.

Talk to the police or a women's centre as someone said. There are laws to protect you from threats and violence.
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Old 11th April 2005, 10:24 PM   #8
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You've been here before WantingOut - I remember you. Stick to your guns this time. If you need a pep talk, let me know.

You can do it!
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