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Guilt, Remorse, and the taste of Bitter Ashes


TheNightAndTheSilent

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TheNightAndTheSilent

Hey guys,

 

I'm sorry if this is gonna be long, and I have a feeling after reading this you might not like me. No, I think you might actually hate me. I do too, but I suppose this is the lesson I needed.

 

7-8 months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years. After an argument on a night out where she gave out to me in public, I left for home and texted her at a reasonable time to make plans to go to her own place. This 18 year old girl made a scene about me "pushing" her in a crowded club (I didn't.) and my gf shouted at me in front of a massive crowd. She stayed out with her friend, and ignored my text to try and sleep over at mine again. I was angry still, and didn't let her as I was afraid I might lash out. Her completely ignoring my text drove me over the edge and I told her I wanted to break up, and she said she wanted to as well. This was a small part of the reason though, another was that I felt she was being too strained and pained by things going on in my life mixed with a bit of GIGS and the paragraph below.

 

Leading up to this event, I felt our relationship was being neglected. We went through a lot of things, my first major depressive episode and then mobbing I faced at work for the next 2 years (including during the time of the break up, and afterwards). At one point, she started to go out with her friends and only come back to mine to sleep. I communicated this to her, and she simply said that "we're not doing anything but chilling and watching stuff anyways" this was so because of the massive stress on me... I just wanted to relax with her. Sex had become a thing once a month... She would spurn my attempts to "sex her up" and get annoyed at me for it, or make excuses like her stomach wasn't feeling good/she was too full/tired etc. More and more we would start getting annoyed at each other.

 

Yet still, in those three years we were best friends and closest confidants. After breaking up, we made up and became friends. We hung out like that for another two months, after which she started seeing me less and less. During this time I started telling her that I wanted to get back with her when ready, and she would tell me to give her more time etc.

 

About three weeks ago, after I suspected and asked, I learned that she had a new boyfriend. I discovered that they went abroad on a 2 week vacation in September, and it seems that around the time she started seeing me less they had started dating. This coincided with the time that I was telling her I wanted to get back. Just before they went on that vacation she had told me to not message her for her last 2 weeks abroad and to give her space. After she told me about him (and as well before she told me about him a month back), I told her my feelings about how much I realized I love her, that I have earned this torment, that I have changed, to forgive me, and that I really hurt from this deception which she justified by saying she was "afraid of my reaction" and that she wanted my cat which she wasn't sure I'd give her (since I had to temporarily move to another country). She said she never wants to see or talk to me again, and that she would never go out with me again. She said she forgives me, but she is clearly angry at me by her tone and how she would rage at some things I wrote entirely in an apologetic tone.

 

And thus No Contact began 3 weeks ago.

 

Now, I'm sure this guy is a rebound. And I am very very hurt that she deceived me so, yet I cannot help but love her.

I love her, yet the fact that she jumped from our friendship as soon as she found someone else to latch on to as well as the deception through it all really makes me think she has changed as a person... It might be her new friends, her therapist that encouraged her to be more selfish, or simply her anger at me due to the tough times we faced... I don't know. It's just so far from how she was as a person when we dated (except the last few months I guess with the neglect and all).

 

I guess, I want to know what I should do. I still love her, and would love to be with her again. In a way, I hope this treatment of me was only due to her anger and not a personality change. But I'm not sure...

 

Should I contact her again after more no contact? Should I wait for her? Does it seem entirely a lost cause?

Was I too much of a horrible person?

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TheNightAndTheSilent

I saw her in my dreams last night. I was so shocked and torn when I woke up to realize it was all a dream...

 

To add to above, even in October (7 months after the break up) we had some really emotional moments together in the two times we saw each other. Though she said she is not in love with me anymore, it feels to me that she is forcing herself to separate from me and move on. She even said that in October, that spending time with me would make her move backwards from trying to separate from me. Maybe I'm still in denial, I don't know. She had said when I apologized at the beginning of October and told her all my feelings "why didn't you do this 6 months ago"...

 

I'd appreciate some guidance... It kills me that I lost her.

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Wtf? So your ok with her disrespecting you?

 

You lost her way before you brokeup with her buddy. Her lack of communication was a sign. The clubing... a sign.

 

Nothing you can do now.... telling you that you love her at that point is meaningless.

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1) No you should not contact her at all. She's been completely honest and brutal with you. She wants nothing to do with you and is in fact moving on. She doesn't deserve satisfaction of you still attempting to reconcile

 

2) No you should not wait for her. If that is the type of commotion that comes with a relationship, there's no way I'd like to be emotionally or physically invested into something like that. Waiting for her essentially means that she is in the process of moving on whilst you are not. Coming from experience, this is not the smartest idea. It seems it, but believe me it is not and it is not worth it in the slightest.

 

3) It does seems a lost cause. It's one of those relationships that perhaps should have ended a lot sooner. One of those that seem considerably dysfunctional and comparable to a typical late teenage relationship. Why would you want to be with someone who has told you in confidence that they no longer love you? save that time and effort for someone who is requited.

 

4) You handled the entire situation to the best of your ability. Don't fault yourself nor over-analyse the situation. She's made the decision to leave you and move on, it is your turn to do the moving on. Like a lot of people you may just disregard everything being said and just assume 'I love her so much though? it's not that easy, we spent emotional times together' and so forth. Yes that maybe the case, but you have to see the situation from an entirely different perspective. You were clearly unhappy, as was she. Conflict in a R/S is almost mandatory, but only to a certain extent.

 

You will find someone else.

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snip

*Should I contact her again after more no contact? *Should I wait for her? **Does it seem entirely a lost cause?

***Was I too much of a horrible person?

 

*No.

 

**Yes.

 

***No.

 

 

To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

 

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

—ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.”

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete her from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

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TheNightAndTheSilent

Thanks for the replies.

 

I guess I feel guilty since during my major depression and later through the stress of mobbing she stood by me, and I hurt her emotionally due to my troubles. And thus, I felt that I deserved such a torment/disrespect...

 

Since she was my rock through such times, I feel like I should have tried harder. And feel bad that the stress in my life caused me to be like I was at the end of the relationship. She said after we broke up, that the clubbing she did with her friends was nothing like I'd thought but just them playing around like kids...

 

My justification is that then she must be angry at me reasonably, and she said her behaviour towards the end was also because of this anger. That when she went abroad and started telling me not to contact her, she let herself feel more angry... I feel maybe once the anger fades, she might come to realize what we had was unique? Since we went through so amazingly much together.

 

But I will try to move on. If she comes back, then it will show me she loves me as well...

 

I was thinking I might send her a message on Christmas, at 2 months NC, and also tell her how I appreciated that she was my best friend and closest confidant all those years (as I was hers). That I hope she finds it in her to speak to me again... Do you think this is a good idea? She also has some of my stuff I'll need to get back from her when I return to the country...

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry this happened to you. I know this is difficult for you. I would suggest an honest discussion with her about the status of your relationship; as this will help you know what your next move should be. I would also encourage a talk with trusted friend or mentor to help you look back and see what can do different going forward. Be of good cheer, there is victory ahead:) Let us know how things turn out.

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Khalil Gibran has some really good quotes.

 

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."

 

Or

 

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

 

Read some of his quotes and take some solace in the knowledge and wisdom.

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