I've just ended a relationship and feel awful about it.

[True Gent]

I'll try to be brief.

 

I met someone 3 weeks ago (yes just 3 weeks). We hit it off and things progressed very quickly. We've been out together on quite a few dates, things have heated up and we've stayed at each other's place a couple of times and I've met some of her friends.

 

She is quite possibly one of the most open and genuine women I've met. There is no BS with her, she tells you her feelings and is a very intelligent and deep person. She does have her own insecurities however, which perhaps she has divulged a little too much so soon.

 

Anyway... I really like her and she's really into me, BUT - When things have gotten intimate between us, I've found her naked body a turn off (she's overweight with lots of loose skin and stretch marks). I've also been put off by certain smells, her breath occasionally for example. Also her bits down below are the least pleasant I've experienced.

 

I feel so shallow and like I'm being a pig for letting superficial things get in the way. She could be really good for me, but I've decided to end it with her before things progress too far. I've tried to ignore the things putting me off, but the sight of her naked and the feel of her skin has really put me off. I'm in really good shape myself, so I'm not being unrealistic in what I could expect in a partner.

 

I've ended it with her today. I didn't say it was because she physically turns me off. I said it was because I felt things were moving too fast and I'm not ready for it. I felt this would hurt her less, I really didn't want to hurt her.

 

I feel so shallow and guilty. I know that it's something we'll both get over, but what's the best way to stop myself feeling low after this? I know she's upset I've ended it. I know I could of had a really good time with her, but the physical aspect just wouldn't be there for me.

 

I feel so awful about it...

[Els]

As long as you ended things kindly and respectfully, I don't think you did anything wrong. Nobody owes anyone anything at 3 weeks.

 

Although it's curious that you would have needed to go all the way to having sex before you figured that her weight was a turn-off for you - wouldn't that be obvious from the start? She might understandably feel 'used' in that sense, but that can't be helped now.

[True Gent]

As long as you ended things kindly and respectfully, I don't think you did anything wrong. Nobody owes anyone anything at 3 weeks.

 

Although it's curious that you would have needed to go all the way to having sex before you figured that her weight was a turn-off for you - wouldn't that be obvious from the start? She might understandably feel 'used' in that sense, but that can't be helped now.

 

I did end it kindly and respectfully.

 

You are right, I knew about her weight from the start. However I was extremely attracted to her personality, the way she speaks, her thoughts and opinions, her face (especially her eyes). I thought I'd be a fool to allow her weight to get in the way. In clothes she doesn't look unatractive.

 

I think she's lost a lot of weight, but her skin has not recovered from it. If it was just that she was a little overweight I do think I would of been fine with it. Otherwise I wouldn't of persued things.

 

I don't do flings, this is my first. Something about her really drew me in. I just realised a little too late, that it wasn't right for me.

 

I just feel bad about it. Like you say at this stage no one owes anyone anything.

[Els]

I did end it kindly and respectfully.

 

You are right, I knew about her weight from the start. However I was extremely attracted to her personality, the way she speaks, her thoughts and opinions, her face (especially her eyes). I thought I'd be a fool to allow her weight to get in the way. In clothes she doesn't look unatractive.

 

I think she's lost a lot of weight, but her skin has not recovered from it. If it was just that she was a little overweight I do think I would of been fine with it. Otherwise I wouldn't of persued things.

 

I don't do flings, this is my first. Something about her really drew me in. I just realised a little too late, that it wasn't right for me.

 

I just feel bad about it. Like you say at this stage no one owes anyone anything.

 

Well, no big deal really, don't beat yourself up over it. I'd seriously doubt that she's all that cut up over a guy leaving at 3 weeks.

 

Both of you deserve to be with a partner who finds you attractive (whatever 'attractive' means to them). If you'd carried on with this, you would be depriving BOTH of you of that opportunity, which would be far worse.

[losangelena]

I don't understand either how it took her to get naked before you realized her weight issue.

 

So glad you can expect more for yourself. She deserves a man who loves her, loose skin and all.

[Gloria25]

Geesh, this sounds like something you'd see on TV.

 

Anywho, IMO, you should send her a card detailing what issues with her breath, smells, and appearance.

 

She might cry to death over it and it may put her in the deepest depression ever, but I wonder if she's sitting around thinking 'Geesh, if we were so great, why did he end it? Typical jerk guy who once he sleeps with a chick, he bounches'.

 

Just be tactful about it.

 

I mean, she needs to know this in order to meet someone. But really, how would she not notice this about herself? I constantly sniff under my arms all the time. Geesh, wouldn't like to be near myself after a workout:laugh:

 

BTW, I don't think you're being shallow about they hygiene. I mean, that's a basic need for people to take care of when it comes to themselves. If she is that clueless about life, then I guess she'll be single. About her looks? Is she doing anything about the skin?

[True Gent]

I don't understand either how it took her to get naked before you realized her weight issue.

 

So glad you can expect more for yourself. She deserves a man who loves her, loose skin and all.

 

It's like I said in my post above, if it was just the weight I think I would of been fine with that. I was attracted to other things and wasn't wanting that to get in the way. It's her skin which I think is the real issue. I didn't know about that until I could actually see it and feel it for myself.

 

She does deserve someone who loves all of her I agree.

[Gloria25]

I don't understand either how it took her to get naked before you realized her weight issue.

 

So glad you can expect more for yourself. She deserves a man who loves her, loose skin and all.

 

And, I gather this ^^ is how most women will see it.

 

Yes, at first I was thinking that, but come on. Physical attraction is necessary - regardless of how wonderful a person is. And, for me, it's a turn off when people put no effort into maintaining their looks cuz to me that's a part of their personality - it screams "lazy". I don't like lazy people.

 

I do agree on how come he didn't notice her weight until sex happened. Who knows, maybe he didn't know how she'd look naked. Some over weight people are somewhat tolerable naked. But, unfortunately I guess he couldn't tell about the body odor until they were naked. But, then again, he should of noticed the breath and that should have given him the heads up that if her breath stunk, other things are gonna stink. Like if I'm checking out a guy online, and he's like "I"m working on my weight, I'm like "next", cuz it's an indication of things getting worst". So yes, I agree that before sex, he probably already saw signs of her being below par, but IMO, most men don't start seeing us with clear goggles until they have sex with us. Then, they start evaluating "us". That's why it's important to have a strong/good connection with a guy before sex happens. Next time make out more with a woman and get really close (close to almost sex) so you can have an idea what she's really like before you do and dump her.

[Shining One]

I've been with three women who looked considerably less attractive naked than they did with clothes on. I don't know of many women who dress to "show off" their negative features. They dress to hide them. I'm not surprised the OP found himself in this situation.

[True Gent]

And, I gather this ^^ is how most women will see it.

 

Yes, at first I was thinking that, but come on. Physical attraction is necessary - regardless of how wonderful a person is. And, for me, it's a turn off when people put no effort into maintaining their looks cuz to me that's a part of their personality - it screams "lazy". I don't like lazy people.

 

I do agree on how come he didn't notice her weight until sex happened. Who knows, maybe he didn't know how she'd look naked. Some over weight people are somewhat tolerable naked. But, unfortunately I guess he couldn't tell about the body odor until they were naked. But, then again, he should of noticed the breath and that should have given him the heads up that if her breath stunk, other things are gonna stink. Like if I'm checking out a guy online, and he's like "I"m working on my weight, I'm like "next", cuz it's an indication of things getting worst". So yes, I agree that before sex, he probably already saw signs of her being below par, but IMO, most men don't start seeing us with clear goggles until they have sex with us. Then, they start evaluating "us". That's why it's important to have a strong/good connection with a guy before sex happens. Next time make out more with a woman and get really close (close to almost sex) so you can have an idea what she's really like before you do and dump her.

 

 

Well as no one here actually knows me as a person I can see why conclusions are being jumped to.

 

I think I should clarify that her weight alone (wasn't an issue). I wasn't expecting a super model beneath her clothes, but what I found wasn't what I was expecting.

 

Her smells were different on different days. She didn't always have a bad breath. I noticed that when I last saw her. She seemed a bit unkempt last time which was a put off. Other odours of hers I think we're just the way she is, she wasn't dirty. I just didn't like her smell.

 

I think she is lazy as you've mentioned as her home was untidy, yet another thing turning me off.

 

Believe it or not I just genuinely liked her and felt attracted to her. I've never moved so fast with someone in the past. This feels very alien to me, to meet someone, feel attracted get intimate and then feel turned off all so suddenly. It's a new one on me.

 

I actually feel awful about it. That's why I posted. I'm 37 I've had a total of 4 sexual partners in my life. The other 3 all relationships one of which lasted 9 years.

 

I'm not into casual sex, or hook ups. I have to feel a connection in the first place, that's why I feel odd about this particular situation. This isn't normal for me at all.

[xxoo]

Believe it or not I just genuinely liked her and felt attracted to her. I've never moved so fast with someone in the past. This feels very alien to me, to meet someone, feel attracted get intimate and then feel turned off all so suddenly. It's a new one on me.

 

This part may be key. If it wasn't this that turned you off, it would've been something else because you just moved too fast.

 

It's not an uncommon thing. Take things slower; let attraction and connection settle in before baring all, so to speak.

[Shining One]

It's not an uncommon thing. Take things slower; let attraction and connection settle in before baring all, so to speak.

I don't think that this is wise advice for this specific scenario. The OP didn't lose attraction until they "bared it all". I don't see what taking things slower would have accomplished. They would have just consumed more of each other's time.

 

If a woman is going to find me physically unappealing when we have sex, I'd much rather find that out in three weeks instead of three months.

[xxoo]

I don't think that this is wise advice for this specific scenario. The OP didn't lose attraction until they "bared it all". I don't see what taking things slower would have accomplished. They would have just consumed more of each other's time.

 

If a woman is going to find me physically unappealing when we have sex, I'd much rather find that out in three weeks instead of three months.

 

 

The OP noted that he moved faster than usual, and then was turned off. There's a logical connection there.

 

I think it's possible that he wouldn't have been turned off if the connection was stronger. Maybe not, but in any case, I think he should go back to what has worked for him in the past: moving slower.

[True Gent]

The OP noted that he moved faster than usual, and then was turned off. There's a logical connection there.

 

I think it's possible that he wouldn't have been turned off if the connection was stronger. Maybe not, but in any case, I think he should go back to what has worked for him in the past: moving slower.

 

I think you may have a point there actually.

 

I was very attracted to her and did feel a connection with her, but it hadn't had time to develop properly. I'm not sure if that would of made any differnce or not, if I'd of moved slower with her. Maybe the outcome would be the same, but you're right in the sense that moving slower works for me.

 

She was very forward compared to what in used to. She actually pushed for exclusivity and then sex. I felt like throwing caution to the wind for once as I really felt something for her, but it's bitten me in the ass I guess...

[losangelena]

As a woman who has lost a lot of weight and does have lose skin, this thread struck a chord, I won't lie.

 

I dunno. I just feel like there are men out there who are surprised when they find themselves attracted to women who aren't necessarily "attractive." I think if OP really, really liked her, this wouldn't be an issue, but this whole thread feels a bit like OP needs his ego stroked and told he's not a bad person. I don't think OP is a bad guy, just typical. And like (rolls eyes) every other guy out there, who's "fit" and can do better. I am bitter and jaded towards men like that, so I'm glad you're leaving her alone, because eff guys like you. I want someone more "woke" than you.

[True Gent]

As a woman who has lost a lot of weight and does have lose skin, this thread struck a chord, I won't lie.

 

I dunno. I just feel like there are men out there who are surprised when they find themselves attracted to women who aren't necessarily "attractive." I think if OP really, really liked her, this wouldn't be an issue, but this whole thread feels a bit like OP needs his ego stroked and told he's not a bad person. I don't think OP is a bad guy, just typical. And like (rolls eyes) every other guy out there, who's "fit" and can do better. I am bitter and jaded towards men like that, so I'm glad you're leaving her alone, because eff guys like you. I want someone more "woke" than you.

 

I'm sorry you feel bitter and jaded. They are quite consuming emotions, which ultimately only have a negative effect on yourself. I think you are in the habit of stereotyping men as "typical".

 

I'm sorry if my post has struck a negative chord with you and has perhaps brought attention to some of your personal issues. However this post was to seek some clarity rather than "stroke my ego".

 

It's true I've not found myself in this particular situation before, so yes I've been surprised by my feelings and actions. However a point worth mentioning is that I was prepared to look at the bigger picture and consider who she was rather than dismiss her on her figure. I gave her a chance based on her personality, but ultimately some physical aspects just turned out to be very unappealing to me in an almost nauseous way which I cannot help.

 

There are just as many "typical" women out there who won't even date men below 6ft in height, or men going bald etc... It's a two way thing with men and women and what they consider physically appealing.

 

I actually happen to be a short guy with thining hair, but I don't feel bitter about the women who won't date me because of it. I gave this girl a chance because I was attracted to her, but it turned out I didn't feel the way I should about her in the bedroom. I've learned a lesson from it, I'm learning about myself dating in my thirties after the demise of a long relationship. I'm not perfect, but maybe I'm on my way to becoming more "woke".

[spiderowl]

I think personal scents can be off-putting and it sounds like this was a factor. It's a shame you weren't attracted to her after her clothes came off. I was with a guy once who commented on everything and it wasn't that he was negative just that he'd 'noticed' something. I felt uneasy about it, like he was checking for perfection. In the end, we split up for other reasons but there was just something about him where he seemed like he had a check list and if any woman did not match it then they would be out. While we all have check-lists (I certainly do), it's more about compatibility for me. If I found something repulsive - which is what you are saying really - then of course I could not stand that, but what I find repulsive says more about me than them.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's like I said in my post above, if it was just the weight I think I would of been fine with that. I was attracted to other things and wasn't wanting that to get in the way. It's her skin which I think is the real issue. I didn't know about that until I could actually see it and feel it for myself.

 

She does deserve someone who loves all of her I agree.

 

This kind of sucks.

 

I am obese, and have been working at losing weight. But by the time I'm done, small children might be able to camp out under me.

 

It kind of makes me wonder what the point of putting in a whole bunch of work to lose the weight will be.

 

I might not even look female anymore.

 

Corrective surgery STARTS at $30000.

 

But there is no good excuse to be smelly.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Omg please, please PLEASE do not send her a card "tactfully explaining all the things you laid out here" That is the most insensitive, horrible thing you can do to a woman.

 

She doesn't need to know all the dirty details that turned you off. I'm sure she knows she has loose skin and if it happened after you guys slept together she can put two and two together. And if not so be it.

 

You already ended things your way, now let it go.

 

My god to keep beating a dead horse now is simply cruel!

 

Sex isn't a guarantee you will stay together so chalk it off to false alarm on the chemistry bit.

Edited November 6, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Leigh 87]

I am not conventionally gorgeous or attractive. About a 6 to the majority. Nothing special.

 

It bothered an ex. I had a banging body and at the time was in amazing shape. So he went for me despite not being enamoured by my looks.

 

Men fall in love differently to women. They really need to feel ENAMOURED and super into a woman and feel amazing chemistry for them to fall head over heels. And somehow circumventing this process results in pretty lacklustre marriages where the guys often divorce or cheat with a woman they ARE drawn to like a magnet. We are animals at the end if the day and the primal urge to want to just rip someone's clothes off, if absent, it will always be desired.

 

This ex had the most AWFUL bunch of friends. They would get my Facebook pictures up and lament at how my ex was settling and could do better . My ex believed them. The thing was..if he had fallen for my slightly big nose and less than amazing face shape and off white teeth- he would not have given a hoot about his "friends " opinions.

 

I would venture to guess that the OP would never let weight and a less than tight vagina- bother him IN THEORY. There are many fit men who fall stupidly attracted and in love with larger women with loose skin.

 

The OP just wasn't one of them /\/\

 

It is never fair to a woman to be dating a man who has niggling doubts about his attraction towards her. It sucked how my ex was not into my face enough to foully commit...he would point out prettier girls. He told me his ex was a bit orttier than me. He told me of how he just loved pleasing her sexually yet was not as into it with me.

 

He really should never have attempted to date me since he didn't find me very pretty.

 

Girls like me and the OP can EASILY find men who are super attracted to us, our big noses and loose skin and all. The OP did the girl a HUGE favour. Thanks OP for not putting her through what my ex put me through. He seriously couldn't even see how other men would hit on someone like me:sick: several of his mates made passes at me and NO ONE would believe me since I was not " conventionally " pretty

 

You have saved this girl a world of pain. If you had attemot to date her, Yu would have broken her heart. Women have a keen intuitions;we know when our partners just don't look at us the way a woman deserves to be looked at. A stolen glance here and there towards women you ARE actually smitten with (appearance wise).

 

Then one day you would possibly meet a girl you fell stupidly hard for and went Gaga over. And yes u wouldn't hesitate to leave the woman with whom you tolerated mediocre sex with and skipped the honeymoon phase with.

More than likely though, you would have stayed with her and simply longed for and day dreamed for more. Most men never end up with a women they are super attracted to and go through the infatuation stage with.

 

But the sad part about men who stay put with women that they are not that into look wise is that the woman is cheated and deprived out of finding a man who IS totally enamoured with her looks......

 

OP did the right thing. My ex wasn't a dick for not feeling very attracted to my face yet dating me for my body. The way he handled things made him a moron, rather than the fact he wasn't enamoured by my looks.

[Toodaloo]

I'm sorry you feel bitter and jaded. They are quite consuming emotions, which ultimately only have a negative effect on yourself. I think you are in the habit of stereotyping men as "typical".

 

I'm sorry if my post has struck a negative chord with you and has perhaps brought attention to some of your personal issues. However this post was to seek some clarity rather than "stroke my ego".

 

It's true I've not found myself in this particular situation before, so yes I've been surprised by my feelings and actions. However a point worth mentioning is that I was prepared to look at the bigger picture and consider who she was rather than dismiss her on her figure. I gave her a chance based on her personality, but ultimately some physical aspects just turned out to be very unappealing to me in an almost nauseous way which I cannot help.

 

There are just as many "typical" women out there who won't even date men below 6ft in height, or men going bald etc... It's a two way thing with men and women and what they consider physically appealing.

 

I actually happen to be a short guy with thining hair, but I don't feel bitter about the women who won't date me because of it. I gave this girl a chance because I was attracted to her, but it turned out I didn't feel the way I should about her in the bedroom. I've learned a lesson from it, I'm learning about myself dating in my thirties after the demise of a long relationship. I'm not perfect, but maybe I'm on my way to becoming more "woke".

 

I am in Los's position too.

 

I put on a lot of weight because of ill health and managed to loose a load of it. I stopped because my skin was sagging and started the "drink loads of water and moisturize until you feel like a prune" routine to get it looking better again.

 

Having spoken to Los about this on many occasions (being in the same boat it helps to compare notes and get ideas from each other about how to combat it in a sensible way) I am fully aware that the words "bitter" and "jaded" do not apply to her nor myself in any way. Disappointed, that even as adults we are still treated like the fat kid in the playground, yes. After all we are both people who look past looks because we are both attractive (I have seen photos and Los is h'awt even when bigger) but neither of us is stick thin and we both know how fast looks can be taken away so rather than be superficial we both look for the good in the men we date and base our attraction on their positives...

 

Bottom line OP is that you are not attracted to this girl. So please leave her alone and let her find someone that is.

 

And in a couple of months time when you feel lonely and you are aching for her, wishing you could be with her again and angry with yourself because you did this, don't text her and mess with her head. Los and I both know this is what will happen because we have both been there oh so many times...

[Shining One]

And in a couple of months time when you feel lonely and you are aching for her, wishing you could be with her again and angry with yourself because you did this, don't text her and mess with her head. Los and I both know this is what will happen because we have both been there oh so many times...

You've actually been contacted again by men who found your naked bodies repulsive? I didn't think people actually did this. I've had a few long dry spells and have contacted exes from time to time, but never one I found physically unappealing.

[PrettyEmily77]

I gave her a chance based on her personality, but ultimately some physical aspects just turned out to be very unappealing to me in an almost nauseous way which I cannot help.

 

I don't know, OP. Maybe you should accept that you are more shallow than you think you are?

 

Nothing wrong with that by the way, we all have our preferences - just be honest with yourself on that front, and you'll be able to find a better suited partner.

[Els]

Omg please, please PLEASE do not send her a card "tactfully explaining all the things you laid out here" That is the most insensitive, horrible thing you can do to a woman.

 

I had no idea the OP was even considering this! Yes, terrible idea, 100% do NOT do that. It would be like a woman sending a guy a card talking about how she can't date him because short men or poor men or dudes with smaller penises turn her off. That's just pointless and cruel.

[losangelena]

I'm sorry you feel bitter and jaded. They are quite consuming emotions, which ultimately only have a negative effect on yourself. I think you are in the habit of stereotyping men as "typical".

 

I'm sorry if my post has struck a negative chord with you and has perhaps brought attention to some of your personal issues. However this post was to seek some clarity rather than "stroke my ego".

 

It's true I've not found myself in this particular situation before, so yes I've been surprised by my feelings and actions. However a point worth mentioning is that I was prepared to look at the bigger picture and consider who she was rather than dismiss her on her figure. I gave her a chance based on her personality, but ultimately some physical aspects just turned out to be very unappealing to me in an almost nauseous way which I cannot help.

 

There are just as many "typical" women out there who won't even date men below 6ft in height, or men going bald etc... It's a two way thing with men and women and what they consider physically appealing.

 

I actually happen to be a short guy with thining hair, but I don't feel bitter about the women who won't date me because of it. I gave this girl a chance because I was attracted to her, but it turned out I didn't feel the way I should about her in the bedroom. I've learned a lesson from it, I'm learning about myself dating in my thirties after the demise of a long relationship. I'm not perfect, but maybe I'm on my way to becoming more "woke".

 

I'm not sure I believe that you really feel all that bad about finding this woman repulsive to the point of nausea.

 

But gold star for giving something new a chance. Now you can look back and she'll be "that fat girl you had sex with once."