Sooner than later, a pending break up

[Pillarofsilence08]

So I have been with a girl for about a year. The start was the head over heels stuff. We're both late 20's. Both having a serious relationship or two beforehand.

 

After a couple months there were some bumps in the road. A bit of jealousy induced on my part. We get through it but she does say she is doesn't think she wants to be in a relationship. At that point we never sat down and said we are officially bf/gf. Said we enjoyed each others company and all the stuff couples do, sex, little bit of travel, dinner parties etc..I felt we just did this keeping it breezy which is cool. If she ever came around to wanting to formally be "official", I figured she would.

 

Throughout the last 10 months Ive learned to give her space when I think she wants it and it seems to work well. There are times when I think she could be a bit more "loving". But thats alright Ive been busy and so has she.

 

This last month she's been crazy busy and hard to get much time in with. We have a trip planned in less than a week. Tonight we hung out. Very nonchalant, I kept everything light and fun and she seemed receptive

 

So I just asked how are you feeling about it all?

 

Her: I'm alright I guess. I know I've been a little distant. Ive just been feeling to be alone a bit. My work is making me mental. how do you feel?

 

Told her "I feel the same as always. I like just having fun with you and I know you've been stressed so I wanted to give you space. We have a trip together in a week, is that a good idea?"

 

Her: "Yes it will be fun. I just really need some alone time these days and I still don't know if I ever want a relationship. (i find it funny how some people will define fwb or relationships, this being an exclusive fwb situation where we've both said we want exclusivity and keep daily tabs on each other, basicaly the same vibe as any relationship I've had). But yes the trip will be good, just needing some alone-ness."

 

I know that none of this sounds good. Truthfully, yes I do wish she'd come around and jump on board with two feet. Do I think its likely? No

 

The reason I'm in coping is to just prepare for what I think is the inevitable. As in more space for her, a trip for a few days that I doubt will do much to help her loosen up, and then finally a "lets stop seeing each other"..

 

My dilemma is that I'm in firm belief that Im in the best state of my life, physically, professionally, mentally. I just don't understand how to not take it personally when someone says they don't want to be in a relationship? I've done my best and just can't cope with why it isn't enough? I hope she truly means no relationship and not just me. I know it shouldn't matter but it'd be such a ego kill if she jumped in with someone else in a short period of time.

 

I don't believe theres anyone on the side for her. I take her at face value at that, I know there are cynics on this type of thing. Its just that this has been the status quo for a while and I don't think she's kept someone on the sidelines just to wait til now. Maybe if it was coming to a head at the start. She's a great woman though so once she is available it wouldn't take long if she wanted. If she does its really going to reiterate the not good enough question.

 

I know it was a read guys. Just trying to catch myself early before I fall in a hole !

 

 

**originaly posted in a different forum. Feel this may be better suited.

[marky00]

In my case and in most cases, the I WANT TO BE IN MY OWN WORLD comment usually means regarding just YOU.

 

 

However, there are occasionally exceptions to the rule.

 

 

If she is going on a holiday with you, she is obviously still physically attracted and probably enjoys the friendship. This is usually what stays once the romantic connection has suffered.

 

 

The only real time I think someone is serious about being alone is if they are still getting over a previous relationship. In that case, she would most likely be speaking the truth.

 

 

Otherwise, yeah.... it sucks but normally its a YOU thing, hard to listen to but it is what it is.

[michaelm700]

I know it's painful when you're life is rock'n, you seem perfectly compatible, get along great and they're like, 'meh....'

 

I once new al prince of a guy - graduating med student, multi-lingual, highly intelligent, very caring and compassionate, handsome and a great partyer to boot. Everyone loved this guy. He was all set to propose to his sweetheart. He planned a big trip abroad together to celebrate. Then she dumps him out of the blue for basically a grunge handyman. Poor guy literally looked like he was hit with a stun grenade.

 

Point is, love is not logical or practical. It's based mostly on instinct for the initial years, pheromones and DNA programming and other crap beyond our control. Tons of people talk about 'love at first site' when meeting their mate. Ain't no way that's logical.

 

In your case, I think it's important to clarify whether it's lost love or rejection that's the issue. Surprisingly it can be hard to tell sometimes. We mistake seeking their love as approval or acceptance and therefore proof of our worthiness, but it's not real love.

 

Also, don't know, but maybe you were a bit too nice, too respectful to the point it's boring. Sometimes girls like to be challenged, turn up the fire. If you make it all to easy, they start to feel less worthy themselves. That's why so many like to fight for the bad boy. If they win, makes them feel special. Stupid mind games? Yep, but there it is.

[sandylee1]

I'm not sure why you entered an exclusive set up when she wasn't even sure she wanted to be in a relationship.

 

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that. The fact that she wants so much alone time would be enough for me to back off and leave her to it.

 

How much enjoyment are you getting from the relationship? It just doesn't sound like you're having fun to me.

[Pillarofsilence08]

Well I've enjoyed everything when she plays the part. Which I know, it's a two way street. There are times when things are good and if I'm busy, she's the one proactively engaging me. This whole month has been the opposite.

 

I usually gave her space when she's in her head, maybe during her avoidance behaviour. I'm just struggling as to why that's not enough this time. If it's not, it's not. But why when I give her an out on the trip and basically us by asking if the trip is a good idea and she said yes it will be fun to getaway..?

 

I can see writing on the wall and before we had the talk I had a rush of "done with this", but before I brashly went me own way, I had that conversation last night and it felt fairly neutral that she just doesn't now know what she wants with a slight positive tone with that she still wants to get away with me.. I have a hard time walking away from this girl because I know what she's capable of..

[Pillarofsilence08]

Just a little update:

 

We did end up going on the trip. We had a lot of fun. She was pretty natural to be around and seemed to like my company. It wasn't super intimate feeling despite sharing a bed however we were sharing a room with another couple from her family. no sex due to the family factor but a lot of cuddly and little massages etc while laying together.

 

The one day I completed a tough mudder type race thing, after completing she was so happy to see me, telling me how proud of me she was and just couldn't seem to stop smiling at me. She suggested the next day we should go out together for a bit of the afternoon and be together and talk as to that point we had been doing mainly everything as a group. The next day we got caught up in some group activities so we never did, i later asked if there was something she wanted to talk about and she just said "no, no, don't freak out!"

 

Came back home and said bye to everyone and it was a pretty casual little kiss and a "see you soon!" from her.

 

So to sum it all down, the trip felt natural, not super lovey charged but i didnt put in any effort to make it feel that way; didn't want to push any thing. I had fun with everything, she seemed to as well.

 

Just wondering what anyone's take of this is. Is she still interested despite the ghost like nature preceding this trip? Whats my next move? Just move on with my life and see if she puts in more effort to reach out?