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So my question is am I wrong for asking for low to no contact for now?

 

Here's the story....

 

I'm a 28 yr old male and have to little girls with my ex. Back in May she decided after ten years together that she wanted to split. She broke up with me over a text I recovers one morning while at work saying she needed space... blah blah blah. After my breaking down and the days go by I learned she was having an emotional affair with another man she worked with. So she basically leaves me for him. There's some more details in how she went about this break in a very immature and in the most disrespectful manner. Anyways months later I'm doing a whole lot better than I was....thank god.

 

Since we have children together we need to communicate. But I am still not 100% emotionally stable. She seems to text me every few days about the girls, something that's not very important. So I asked please for the time being to not contact me unless there was an emergency concerning them. I feel like her texting me is going to send me into a tail spin again, and that's the last thing I need right now. After asking her directly to stop texting she sends a pointless text about some old clothes from my oldest daughter that I had dropped off at my parents for her. So again, we had a discussion about me emotionally detaching myself from her, and it makes it harder to do that when in direct contact. My mother watches the girls during the week while we both work full time, we also do joint custody, 1 week with me then the next week with her. So I asked her if there's anything that needs to be relayed to me she can go through my mother for now......this is called parallel parenting. She seems pretty upset about the idea and she's stuck on the "co parenting" thing. But for the time being until I can communicate with her or I can think about her without any emotions being pulled I asked for the low contact deal. I don't think it changes any of the dynamics of how we have been getting accustom to this split parenting as we really haven't communicated a whole lot since splitting up.

I just kinda feel rotten about it, I know co parenting is what's best for my children but I also need to be healthy and stable to take care of them the best that I can.

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No, you're not wrong. And if she gets upset, remind her that this is all her own doing. Seriously, she doesn't get to walk out and then dictate the terms of parenting.

Edited by basil67
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Yes I agree on everything you said.

 

I guess I just question whether this is what's best for my children since they are what I need to be focused on. But I remind myself that I need to put myself as a priority also so that I can be there for them.

 

Another thing is since we don't see each other in person because we drop the kids off at my parents Monday morning then the other picks them up that afternoon for the week. Our daughters do not see any interaction betweeen us. So for me asking for space it doesn't really change anything. She told me after a quick phone conversation that she also didn't like the idea because she's afraid that if she relays something to my mother that it won't get to me, which is complete nonsense.

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Yes I agree on everything you said.

 

I guess I just question whether this is what's best for my children since they are what I need to be focused on. But I remind myself that I need to put myself as a priority also so that I can be there for them.

 

Another thing is since we don't see each other in person because we drop the kids off at my parents Monday morning then the other picks them up that afternoon for the week. Our daughters do not see any interaction betweeen us. So for me asking for space it doesn't really change anything. She told me after a quick phone conversation that she also didn't like the idea because she's afraid that if she relays something to my mother that it won't get to me, which is complete nonsense.

 

Here's another thought: Tell her that you will accept her contacting you over things which need a mutual decision made. But not for chitchat. Let her know that if she goes outside of this parameter, you will put all future dialogue through your mother.

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Perfect......that's exactly how I feel.

 

If it's important and needs my input, I'm ok with that.

But the other stuff that has no real importance I can do with out.

 

Thank you for your advice.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Where do I start......

 

 

Backstory.....

 

 

So my ex gf and I have dated since high school. Currently I'm 29(M) and she is 27(F). We have two daughters together, ages 4 and 1 years old. The oldest daughter was not "planned" but was not a "suprise" as we were having unprotected sex, she became pregnant 6 years into the relationship. Overall we have been together for 10 years. My youngest daughter was planned, we had a discussion about having a second child and we both agreed to it, although at this point we still aren't married. So low and behold she gets pregnant with number two. I between all this there was talk of marriage but for some god forsaken reason I hadn't asked her yet, my only regret. Now when she was pregnant with my oldest we lived with my parents, we bought a house together when she turned 1 years old. At point of breakup we had lived here at this home for two years. So spring of 2015 I decided I was tired of working in her truck, 2002 Ford Explorer, and she was pregnant at the time and thought it's time to buy her a new car. So I found a new 2014 jeep. We traded in her truck for this jeep. She did t have any credit so the house and the jeep were financed under myself. I took care of the majority of the bills and whatnot. We got along no major fights nor did we really fight a whole lot.

 

leading up to break up.....

 

So I took a new jobs a few years ago and it has been pretty stressful on me the last few years. Youngest daughter was just born and she had some complications at end of pregnancy and had an emergency ceascarian. Baby was stressful and complicated up to this point. She is now almost 6 months old, and we are in a rut in our relationship. I'm stressed from work and kids and so is she. The little one has been the handful since she was born. Valentine's Day 2016 comes around and I wanted to do something special for her, so I did. Her reaction to it was the first red flag for me but I blew it off. The days and weeks following she becomes distant and detached but I guess I just ignored it and excused her behavior being we were both stressed and exhausted.

 

Breakup

 

So Thursday May 8th, 2016.....

I'm at work,andthe last few nights she has been very distant and cold. I never asked her what's wrong I just pushed her away, ignored her and whatever. Anyways that Thursday morning I text her and ask her if something was wrong betweeen us, as she never expressed something was bothering her. Low and behold I get a text back at 9 am expressing that she wants to split up and take a break, that she needs her space. i can remember reading that text like it just happened, my stomach dropped to the floor, I felt like I was going to pass out. I had to leave work immediately as I was in complete shock. So I leave and go to my parents to talk to my mother, my mother also watches our girls during the weekday as we both work full time jobs. I explain to her what happened and I completely break down. She gets out of work that afternoon and we sit in my bed and have a short discussion on splitting. She gives me the " I love you but I'm not in love with you" blah blah blah. She had Friday off and dinner plans that evening with friends of hers, so I told her to just leave for the weekend and think about this as she told me she needed space, thinking this was change her kind and that she was thinking like a crazy women. So she calls me Thursday night to tell me she's staying the night at her friends place, she returns Friday afternoon ish to grab somethings and back out the door. So here I am with my world crashing down trying to take care of my daughters while she's out with friends. I get a text Saturday saying she's coming back Sunday on Mother's Day to move some things to move into her younger sisters apartment. I begged and pleaded for her to work this out between us, that we can fix this, but she wanted no part of it.

 

 

Present time....

 

So it's going on 6 months post breakup. I begged and pleaded for a good 2.5 months or so after. About 1 month post break up I learn from her after pressing her that she had been talking to a guy she worked with 4 weeks prior to leaving me. I worked with this man years ago as I worked for the same company she does currently, and this is not someone I want my children around. Anyways my mother still watches the girls for us, as we do joint 50/50 custody under an agreement between us, nothing court ordered, 1 week with the girls, 1 week with their mother. It has been low contact between us since about July, mainly child oriented stuff, I asked her to stop texting unless there was an emergency or something with the kid, as she would text me about stuff that had no substance but was child oriented. So she moved into her own apartment and is seeing the guy she left me for. NC since October 6, as I strongly asked her do not contact me unless emergency other communicate through my mother. Prior to that that any text she would send me seemed to put me in a tailspin and I would backtrack on the healing progress I had made if any. So currently in no contact/low contact, she's doing her thing, I'm trying to do mine. Kids are doing ok, I can see the affects it has taken on my 4 year old daughter. Going on 6 months but I can't seem push through this last wall, I want her to come back but I don't. She has treated me like complete trash through this break up but I still love her. I want her to few the pain that I have for the last 6 months. I'm not sure if it's GIGS or not, I'm not sure if I believe in GIGS. I just know deep down I do love her and that she is making a mistake. Idk...I'm stuck in this "limbo" feeling right now. I hate her, it at the same time I love her.

 

WTF do I do....... its driving me insane.

 

 

I fear the day the she contacts me saying she still loves me, or that she messed up. I've wanted to hear that for so long but now I'm at the point to where she can go **** herself.

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Man I'm sorry for you. I think it's really sad that all of the sudden she isn't in love with you after having 2 children with you-the second one being planned.

I'm suspicious of her weekend out with her friends. I would put money in it that she was doing something other then hang out with her friends.

Don't contact her unless for the kids.

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Marco Valerio

Hi friend,

 

I'm really sorry for the pain you're going through.

 

Doesn't matter what you do or what you say to her. You cannot force someone to see the mistake they "might" be making. You're the last person she will listen to right now. If she wants to fool around, let her do it, it's her choice. If she looses something great with you because of it, it would be her call (And she will realize that).

 

It's time for you to give yourself a treat, love yourself, and perhaps meet other people.

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Man I'm sorry for you. I think it's really sad that all of the sudden she isn't in love with you after having 2 children with you-the second one being planned.

I'm suspicious of her weekend out with her friends. I would put money in it that she was doing something other then hang out with her friends.

Don't contact her unless for the kids.

 

Thank so for the reply.

 

Yeah, I know she wasn't at her friends place that weekend.

I believe the following weekend it was her week to take the girls. I had not heard from her all weekend on when she was going to pick them up. So Sunday afternoon she calls me at 4pm asking me if I could keep them overnight. I was furious when she called because she wasn't fulfilling her duties as a mother, the kids missed her. Turns out she went up north camping with him and her friends and decided it was more important to spend time with them then with her own girls.

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Hi friend,

 

I'm really sorry for the pain you're going through.

 

Doesn't matter what you do or what you say to her. You cannot force someone to see the mistake they "might" be making. You're the last person she will listen to right now. If she wants to fool around, let her do it, it's her choice. If she looses something great with you because of it, it would be her call (And she will realize that).

 

It's time for you to give yourself a treat, love yourself, and perhaps meet other people.

 

 

Thanks, your absolutely right. But everything about the way she went about this, and the start of her new relationship is wrong. I'm an adult and understand people grow and feelings change, but why can't people just just tell the truth and be honest especially after so many years together.

 

I just have a gut feeling that this man has no intentions of supporting my girls like a real man would, he is only interested in her. If I were to date another woman who had kids and I fell in love with, I would support and love her children as if they were my own, I just don't get that gut instinct about this and I feel like she's to blind to see it. I also honestly don't think she's to interested in her own children, as if they are more of a burden than a blessing.

 

A few weeks after the breakup, I finally got her to inform me of who the man was. As I previously stated I had worked with him years back (5-6 years ago). I knew he had kids and was divorced. But I asked her something's that really made me question some things. First of all she stated she didn't want any more kid....he has to older boys according to her( ages 10 & 12 I believe). Her responses was that she didn't want to get pregnant again because of complications with my youngest. Also she had stated that he has had his kids a lot more since she had started talking to him, which was a red flag. Also I know he is very vulgar in the way he talks about women and in general, most see this as "guy talk" but it's more than that. When I asked her about it, her response was "well he says those things to me, the same way he says them to other people." Idk....maybe it just me.

 

At this point in time, I ask myself all the time "would you take her back if she wanted to reconcile?"

My intitial response is yes, but when I think back over everything that has happened, that answer changes. I want her back so bad but at the same time I want her to fully understand how ****ty she has treated my children and myself, I know it's not healthy but I want her to suffer like I have for months.

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You'll always love her, she's the mother of your kids.

 

But its best to go your separate ways. She's run off with another man once, chances are she'd do it again. Best not to put yourself through that again.

 

Best to make the absolute most of it, be there for the kids as much as you can. It will get easier with time.

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So answer me this if you could...

 

A few weeks ago she texted me something about the kids with absolutely no substance or any real importance. I replied and told her to stop contacting me as I have three or four time before unless something importing regarding the kids. I have also went on a few dates with another girl and had mentioned this "new relationship" in my reply. Her response was basically her saying that she was sorry, and that she thinks about it all the time especially when she has the kids and that they remind her of me. I replied by stating again over and over please do not contact unless emergency or something that needs a mutual decision. So that was on October 6.

 

Haven't had contact since until yesterday she send an email about have my 4 year old call her to so she can find out what she wants to be for Halloween. No in my mind, this is not an emergency, I hate to be this way and I am not trying to keep her from her children but why couldn't she have asked her own daughter the previous week when she had her, and after I have expressed very bluntly not to contact me and she agreed.

 

Idk... I guess I am confused, because I have asked multiple times since august not to text me and she gets an attitude and usually says "fine I'll leave you alone" but 2-3 weeks later text or emails me using the kids as subject to reach out, always something with no real substance behind it.

 

Is it just me being a prick?

 

I want to be able to co parent and what not and cordial, but until I can truly get past her I feel it's best for me not have ANY contact with her, again unless emergency or something that needs a mutual decision. I believe all other circumstances can be handled through a third party (ex. My mother, her sister, ......).

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Anyone with any input.....?

 

So basically after telling her I want nothing to do with unless it involves the children and she replies with a " fine if that's the way you want it", she breaks NC and emails me about the girls regarding Halloween. She wanted to know what my oldest wanted to be so she could buy a costume, in my head that's not and emergency.

 

Why would she do this after I bluntly asked she does not contact me unless something of importance comes that's needs my input?

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For kids, that kind of stuff has substance.

 

She could have made the decision herself but it is not totally unusual for mom to ask dad about that kind of stuff. Was your D with you at that time?

 

On the other hand, I don't know if she is "Trying to be friends" after her affair and breaking up the R, and doing this out of guilt. Or, if she is testing the waters about how you feel and wanting to get back together.

 

I am assuming that you would not take her back under any circumstances.

 

What does your gut say about why she wants to contact you so much?

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For kids, that kind of stuff has substance.

 

She could have made the decision herself but it is not totally unusual for mom to ask dad about that kind of stuff. Was your D with you at that time?

 

On the other hand, I don't know if she is "Trying to be friends" after her affair and breaking up the R, and doing this out of guilt. Or, if she is testing the waters about how you feel and wanting to get back together.

 

I am assuming that you would not take her back under any circumstances.

 

What does your gut say about why she wants to contact you so much?

 

Yes, I had my girls at the time. The thing is over the past few weeks I have asked her myself what she wanted to be for Halloween, and I received a different answer every time. I'm sure my ex had to of brought it up last week when she had the kids. She's four and I'm positive she would be excited about any costume her mother got her, since she will be with her mother on Halloween. I suppose if the roles were reversed here, I would have found out what my daughter wanted to dress up as on the week I had her, and then went out to to find something the following week, her mother knows what her daughter is interested in so she could have gone out and found something.

 

 

I believe she does this out guilt at the moment, especially after telling me she thinks about all the time.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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I need your advice.....

 

Important info

 

*its been 6 months since my ex gf of 10 years ended our relationship.

*she left me for a coworker (long story short)

* we have two girls together (ages 4 &1 years old)

*currently do joint 50/50 custody (nothing court ordered)

*we lived together in a house I purchased although we weren't married

*i worked with the guy she left me for 5-6 years ago, honesty not someone I want my children around.

*she moved out and got an apartment

 

 

So it's been 6 months since she broke up with me over a text message while I was at work one morning. I have made a lot of progress over the last few months, and have been in very very low contact since oct. 6, in fact I don't think we talked once since, all communication that is neccissary goes through my mother who watches our children during the work week for both of us. So I know this guy, I worked with him, not someone I have a good feeling about being around my girls. I happen to look up arrest records as I knew he was a drinker in the past. Well come to find out he has been arrested twice since 2004 for domestic violence. I highly doubt my ex knows this about him nor if I told her would it change her feelings for him. The only reason I would inform her of this information would be my concern for the children, not in hopes of getting her back.

 

So do I let her know or I do keep my lips sealed?

Edited by 95fx1
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