Can this be salvaged (2 year live-in relationship)?

[LastStraw]

Loveshackers, please help! I need a fresh eye on my situation.

 

 

Me and my BF have been dating 2 years, living together 1 year.

 

 

We had tons of fights in the past few months, maybe partially related to the fact that were living together and each other's only local friends.

 

 

In our last fight 2-3 weeks ago he broke it off with me. It was not unexpected, but his behavior afterwards was very inconsistent; we kept eating together, watching tv shows, hugging - in the next moment he will say 'we are broken up, you need to let me go'. Then he'll say 'stop hugging me, you're pushing me further away'. Then he'll complain about what drove him away from me for literally hour, then we'll go to sleep... Repeat next day.

 

 

Does this situation sound salvageable? My guess is if he REALLY wanted to break up he would stay away, not communicate his needs with me. Or he is just doing it for comfort or out of loneliness?

 

 

I feel closer now to him because he finally spoke his mind so I really do think we can be happy together, but how to know if he's on the same page? If I ask him - he'll say no and get defensive. I will move out very soon if I can't figure it out so the issue is critical...

[aloneinaz]

 

We had tons of fights in the past few months, maybe partially related to the fact that were living together and each other's only local friends.

 

Are you guys young? Ton's of fighting is a terrible sign of compatibility for less than a 2 YO relationship. Major red flag.

 

In our last fight 2-3 weeks ago he broke it off with me. It was not unexpected, but his behavior afterwards was very inconsistent; we kept eating together, watching tv shows, hugging - in the next moment he will say 'we are broken up, you need to let me go'. Then he'll say 'stop hugging me, you're pushing me further away'. Then he'll complain about what drove him away from me for literally hour, then we'll go to sleep... Repeat next day.

 

This speaks of low confidence and poor self esteem. Why didn't one of you move out? If someone breaks up with you, the best thing is for one of you to leave. If you can't right away, then you put up boundaries. Let him know you accept his decision and there's nothing else to speak with until one or the other moves out. Are you really still sleeping in the same bed?

 

Does this situation sound salvageable? My guess is if he REALLY wanted to break up he would stay away, not communicate his needs with me. Or he is just doing it for comfort or out of loneliness?

 

Sweetie, ask yourself why you'd want to salvage this? You don't get along. It demeans you, puts you down and then you LET HIM run you down for an hour so he can yet again explain his decision? Come on. Someone w/strong self esteem and confidence would of moved out right away or slept on the couch. They certainly wouldn't of listened to his dissertation about all the things he doesn't like about them. They would of told him to f-off and went into another room.

 

I feel closer now to him because he finally spoke his mind so I really do think we can be happy together, but how to know if he's on the same page? If I ask him - he'll say no and get defensive. I will move out very soon if I can't figure it out so the issue is critical...

 

Understand, he's controlling EVERYTHING in that relationship. You're being an absolute doormat to him. It's extremely unattractive to a partner to have a meek, unconfident and passive person who lets them walk all over them.

 

You should leave, period. Spend some time alone to figure out why you're allowing any of this. Most women would of told him to pack sand and left a long time ago. It's not too late for you to do the same.

[Toodaloo]

If you want to salvage this you need to become a bit tougher.

 

If you keep up the cuddles and all that then he is not going to respect you and trust me respect is so important...

 

New rules.

1. You no longer sleep in the same bed. One of you moves to the spare room or sofa.

2. You start looking for somewhere else to live.

3. He no longer gets any benefit of "you" so you do not eat together, you do not do his washing etc. No "how was your day" or any of it.

4. You enroll in a class or club, dance lessons I find are fantastic fun and you meet some lovely people there.

5. If he starts on about your "faults" you walk away. He gets no respect from you if he can't act in a way as to deserve it.

6. You are polite but you keep yourself away from him as much as possible.

 

When you have an "outlet" and other friends it will be easier. When you have your own space and move out it will be easier.

 

He may well want to try again but if he does you need to keep up the standards and he has to maintain the effort he puts in. Starting all the bickering and arguments again and that is it.

 

Sounds to me as though he is stuck with out friends and taking it out on you. Again - not good or appropriate behavior.

[LastStraw]

Thanks for the advice guys, I was demeaning for him for quite a while, that's why I let him 'get it out'... Before the roles were reversed. I realized this after breaking it.

 

 

We are not young and we were talking about getting engaged by Christmas, that's why it sucks just to walk away. I know if one of us walks away there is no coming back, I will not be able to swallow it.

 

 

Is there anything that I can say or do besides distancing? Now is 2-3 weeks.

 

 

I think if I let it trickle for more than 3-4 weeks, it is done for good. Am I catastrophizing? When do the 'make-ups' post break ups happen? I think I had similar situation with an ex once but it lasted just about 10 days.

[aloneinaz]

Honestly, if your wish came true and you "tried again", what would change? You said yourself that you fought too much. Why not move onto someone else who you are compatible with?

 

Recycling failed relationships only drags on all the BS, drama, anxiety and always ends the same. It ends again.

[LastStraw]

I need help again. My BF of 2 years and I broke up 3 weeks ago over a fight and lots of tension. We still live together.

 

 

My BF repeats that we're 'broken up' and he felt like he was 'run by a truck' in our relationship. He avoids physical contact and eye contact

 

 

However -

1) He stays home ALL the time

2) He shops for us, cooks for us - all is exactly as before the break

3) He gets me my favorite candies

4) He tries to comfort me after hard days at work

5) He goes on and on about what he didn't like about 'us' and how the things would be different

 

 

... And he's telling me there are no mixed signals.

 

 

We sleep in the same bed - he attempted initiating 'stuff' a couple of nights ago, and abruptly stopped with the words 'I can't do it'

 

 

What the heck is going on with him? Are these normal behaviors for a 'broken up' couple still living together?

 

 

Any attempt to ask 'where we stand' ends in a nightmarish 'I'm two hands out' declaration, but my gut is telling me differently. Shall I hang in there or get the f*ck out?

[LastStraw]

Any advice? I'm dying with the thought of seeing him tonight. It is the same games every night, over and over again. We still share bed so it is the same every night as well No peace.

[NopeNah]

Does he work/have a job?

[No_Go]

He seems unemployed That's unhealthy situation.

 

Does he work/have a job?

Edited October 26, 2016 by No_Go

[LastStraw]

Me and (ex)BF of 2 years broke up a month ago. We still live together, sleep I the same bed (no sex), share intimate conversations, watch shows together etc. We're almost like a normal couple except... EVERY time that I bring getting back together on the table, he pulls back and starts talking for one of us moving out.

 

 

I think he's either very insecure/confused about the decision, or just feeling guilty for leaving me. He'd talk nicely to me, joke, hug me... Next second he's saying 'this is just to power through, either me or you should move out in the end of this month'.

 

 

If I/he moves out - for me that's a back step in the relationship, so it will be done permanently. Based on his behavior (the one that I described above, the fact that he's constantly rehashing how I underestimated him in the relationship but he made me 'his world') makes me think he's far from indifferent.

 

 

However, he's super stubborn dude. He'd insist to move out until it happens. Unless I push the balance of his hot/cold behaviors towards 'hot' and he starts building up instead of trying to break completely.

 

 

I'd appreciate any advice! It is a matter of critical time - I will start looking for places in a week if he's still talking about 'moving out'... And I really think it will be a huge mistake for both of us.

[LastStraw]

Oh, just to add - the month before splitting he wanted to get engaged imminently. I think it was tons of religious and family pressure on him. I was not in a rush, I wanted to wait till after New Year. Maybe this 'rejection' (delay) from my end led to the break up, among other things (fights). Even now he still talks about the time that he'll 'finally get married' this time I think he refers to abstract future person, not necessarily me

[basil67]

LastStraw, how can leaving a relationship full of fighting be a huge mistake?

[LastStraw]

It was situational, related to life stressors and we were also adjusting to living together. If I have another chance with him I know exactly how to handle it, I think now he knows too. Last 4 weeks we've been discussing that 3-4 nights a week.

 

 

What to do with the moving out??? Shall I give it another week or give up and loo for apartments ?

 

 

LastStraw, how can leaving a relationship full of fighting be a huge mistake?

[jamili]

Hi, this sounds EXACTLY what I just went through a month ago. After the breakup - same exact behavior from my exgf. Wanting to talk as if nothing happened, watch tv together, cook, make food for me, do my laundry, etc. If I brought up any word of talking about the breakup, reconciliation or anything like that - instant backlash... "it's over!" etc. Combine this with lots of texts from her of random stuff, photos, etc., something I've come to learn are known as "breadcrumbs" and apparently quite common.

 

What I ended up doing is finding my own place, and while waiting it out for for those few weeks to move in, I ignored her texts the best I could, stayed out of her way in the house/stayed out of the house, and kept conversation to a bare minimum. Still no signs of reconciliation from her, but I didn't ask for it anymore either.

 

When I finally moved out she kept the texting up, but no words of reconciliation from her, just more random texts. So I texted her back finally, a harsh text basically telling her that her constant texting and mixed signals were making it difficult for me to move on, and I also called her out on her insecurity issues that caused our breakup in the first place- all in a rather direct, firm way. She finally stopped texting. I actually ended up apologizing after a few days of silence.. because I felt for being quite harsh about it. She responded and wanted to come check out my new place... I agreed to let her see it. Only hours later she cancelled over text, told me she doesn't want to be in communication anymore (initiated NC on me!). I told her that I thought I was being manipulated.. she denied that... and anyways that was that, I wished her the best. I went NC. She sent a few more random texts after that... but then stopped. It's been weeks, and nothing.

 

So I'm in the process of moving on, which is difficult for sure, especially with the mixed signals from before. I still have no idea what she was up to - but after analyzing it for a few weeks, based on the fact that she stopped after I told her it was causing confusion and pain for me, all I can think is that she was feeling guilty about breaking up and wanted to try to "be nice" to smooth things over or something. If she wanted to reconcile, I gave her plenty of chances and opportunities, and each time she shot them down, so it couldn't have been that... plus if she really wanted to be together, she knows where to find me and she can tell me directly instead of sending mixed signals, and she hasn't done that. I've reasoned that if she wanted to reconcile, she wouldn't have let me go through with moving out.

 

I think the best thing you can do in this situation is call him out on it and tell him how it's making you feel - confused and in pain - and ask him to stop. Stand up for yourself. It's no fun getting these mixed signals, I know, it's a major stress burden. If you put it all on the table and tell him you want him to stop acting like that because you are broken up, he will be forced to make a decision one way or the the other and stop confusing you. If he wants to stay together, he'll directly communicate that or make an effort to get you back. If he wants you, he won't let you walk away. So, just walk away, stop talking to him, and move out just like he's asked you to do. That's how you know if he was just being nice, or feeling guilty, or just feeling insecure about his decision. If he wants to be with you, it's up to him to make that move. That's my advice. I wish you the best of luck.

Edited November 7, 2016 by jamili

[Toodaloo]

If you want to salvage this you need to become a bit tougher.

 

If you keep up the cuddles and all that then he is not going to respect you and trust me respect is so important...

 

New rules.

1. You no longer sleep in the same bed. One of you moves to the spare room or sofa.

2. You start looking for somewhere else to live.

3. He no longer gets any benefit of "you" so you do not eat together, you do not do his washing etc. No "how was your day" or any of it.

4. You enroll in a class or club, dance lessons I find are fantastic fun and you meet some lovely people there.

5. If he starts on about your "faults" you walk away. He gets no respect from you if he can't act in a way as to deserve it.

6. You are polite but you keep yourself away from him as much as possible.

 

When you have an "outlet" and other friends it will be easier. When you have your own space and move out it will be easier.

 

He may well want to try again but if he does you need to keep up the standards and he has to maintain the effort he puts in. Starting all the bickering and arguments again and that is it.

 

Sounds to me as though he is stuck with out friends and taking it out on you. Again - not good or appropriate behavior.

 

Why are you not following this advice?

 

You are accepting this behavior. You are accepting him moan and winge and pass the blame onto you for everything... Why? Why are you letting him take out all his bad behavior on you and accepting blame for it all. Life is a lot easier when you keep it simple.

 

Don't give it another week or two. Get the hell out! He doesn't want you, he is blaming you for his s***y life that he is too bone idle to do anything about and you are just sitting there and taking it all...

 

Get out.

[LastStraw]

Thanks for sharing your story!

 

 

I think your exGF and my exBF are similar on so many levels... Thing is it is just hard to impossible to be with someone who is so conflicted etc.

 

 

I think my exBF may let me move out out of f*cking pride not because he wants it. But then I'll be DONE. Forever. No amount of crying from his end is going to get me back. So he needs to think fast - now.

 

 

Hi, this sounds EXACTLY what I just went through a month ago. After the breakup - same exact behavior from my exgf. Wanting to talk as if nothing happened, watch tv together, cook, make food for me, do my laundry, etc. If I brought up any word of talking about the breakup, reconciliation or anything like that - instant backlash... "it's over!" etc. Combine this with lots of texts from her of random stuff, photos, etc., something I've come to learn are known as "breadcrumbs" and apparently quite common.

 

What I ended up doing is finding my own place, and while waiting it out for for those few weeks to move in, I ignored her texts the best I could, stayed out of her way in the house/stayed out of the house, and kept conversation to a bare minimum. Still no signs of reconciliation from her, but I didn't ask for it anymore either.

 

When I finally moved out she kept the texting up, but no words of reconciliation from her, just more random texts. So I texted her back finally, a harsh text basically telling her that her constant texting and mixed signals were making it difficult for me to move on, and I also called her out on her insecurity issues that caused our breakup in the first place- all in a rather direct, firm way. She finally stopped texting. I actually ended up apologizing after a few days of silence.. because I felt for being quite harsh about it. She responded and wanted to come check out my new place... I agreed to let her see it. Only hours later she cancelled over text, told me she doesn't want to be in communication anymore (initiated NC on me!). I told her that I thought I was being manipulated.. she denied that... and anyways that was that, I wished her the best. I went NC. She sent a few more random texts after that... but then stopped. It's been weeks, and nothing.

 

So I'm in the process of moving on, which is difficult for sure, especially with the mixed signals from before. I still have no idea what she was up to - but after analyzing it for a few weeks, based on the fact that she stopped after I told her it was causing confusion and pain for me, all I can think is that she was feeling guilty about breaking up and wanted to try to "be nice" to smooth things over or something. If she wanted to reconcile, I gave her plenty of chances and opportunities, and each time she shot them down, so it couldn't have been that... plus if she really wanted to be together, she knows where to find me and she can tell me directly instead of sending mixed signals, and she hasn't done that. I've reasoned that if she wanted to reconcile, she wouldn't have let me go through with moving out.

 

I think the best thing you can do in this situation is call him out on it and tell him how it's making you feel - confused and in pain - and ask him to stop. Stand up for yourself. It's no fun getting these mixed signals, I know, it's a major stress burden. If you put it all on the table and tell him you want him to stop acting like that because you are broken up, he will be forced to make a decision one way or the the other and stop confusing you. If he wants to stay together, he'll directly communicate that or make an effort to get you back. If he wants you, he won't let you walk away. So, just walk away, stop talking to him, and move out just like he's asked you to do. That's how you know if he was just being nice, or feeling guilty, or just feeling insecure about his decision. If he wants to be with you, it's up to him to make that move. That's my advice. I wish you the best of luck.

[LastStraw]

I'll follow the above advice when I'm mentally prepared that it is over. This advice is great to start over, but right now I just want to give it a last try.

 

 

I think you're over-reading into his 'bad behavior'. I 'take it' because it is important to understand what he didn't tell me when we were together. Otherwise how is our relationship going to revive? Keeping the same old resentment?

 

 

I really need some ideas how to overcome his reactance. I do think he loves me and I do think he's either very hesitant or very guilty... But I need some speedy advice to flip him in the coming week. I do NOT want to move out because then it will be OVER. Forever and ever. I'd never be able to take him back.

 

 

 

 

Why are you not following this advice?

 

You are accepting this behavior. You are accepting him moan and winge and pass the blame onto you for everything... Why? Why are you letting him take out all his bad behavior on you and accepting blame for it all. Life is a lot easier when you keep it simple.

 

Don't give it another week or two. Get the hell out! He doesn't want you, he is blaming you for his s***y life that he is too bone idle to do anything about and you are just sitting there and taking it all...

 

Get out.

[Els]

Two things that confuse me:

 

1) Why is he at home 'all the time'? Does he not work? Or he works from home?

 

2) Why have the two of you been in one place for at least the past year, and yet have zero local friends except each other?

[LastStraw]

1) He works full time but 2-3 days a week he works from home, and the rest of the time he's at work 7-4, whereas I am back from work much later. So all the time I'm at home he's at home.

 

 

2) We have acquaintances but not close friends. Actually I have some but just don't see them often. He had nobody close in town, just acquaintances.

 

 

Any advice??

 

 

Two things that confuse me:

 

1) Why is he at home 'all the time'? Does he not work? Or he works from home?

 

2) Why have the two of you been in one place for at least the past year, and yet have zero local friends except each other?

[Smokeshow]

Have you talked to him about what you expect out of the relationship and what he expects out of you?

How old are you two?

If you're seeing him every night then the least you two can do is hash out what the problems are and go from there. If they are problems you both can overcome then you will have to get everything out in the open.

[LastStraw]

Hey Smokes,

 

 

Have you talked to him about what you expect out of the relationship and what he expects out of you?

We've done that indeed. I know now in and out what he expects from a partner and the requests are not unreasonable. He knows my expectations as well. We've spend hours discussing both sides after we've broken up (it is 5 weeks now... Or 3.5 weeks, depending how we count... 3.5 weeks ago he got definitive, before then we were on the verge).

We both have marriage as a relationship goal, that's why the pressure has been so high.

 

 

How old are you two? Both are in our thirties, he's a bit older than me.

 

 

If they are problems you both can overcome then you will have to get everything out in the open. Regarding the issues I had with him - I think he had made strides working on them. I think his issues with me are solvable, but he somehow doesn't trust me? He says 'if I get back with you, it will be the same in a week'. (He's referring arguments which was his main issue with me.) How to convince him I'm genuine? We're both in therapy (individually), I can make track-record with time but I really have to convince him quickly because I do NOT want to break the lease. It will be too much of inconvenience for both.

 

 

Shall I limit contact? Or talk more?

 

 

Have you talked to him about what you expect out of the relationship and what he expects out of you?

How old are you two?

If you're seeing him every night then the least you two can do is hash out what the problems are and go from there. If they are problems you both can overcome then you will have to get everything out in the open.

[Smokeshow]

Of course you talk more if you want to resolve the issues between you two.

Not contacting him would make him think you are unsure of what you want.

If you know what you want then tell him. Be adults about everything.

Send him a message telling him your thinking about him and look forward to seeing him tonight. That will put him in a good mood and he'll look forward to seeing you. Both of you have to put in the effort to make it work.

One sided efforts are always doomed to fail

[jamili]

Hi Laststraw, thabks for reading my story . The exes do indeed sound pretty similar, and the situation does appear to be very much like what i went through just recently. This is what makes me wonder if he is just feeling guilty, or trying to be nice for his own conscience, or something like that.... like mine apparently was since she totally stopped contacting me after i asked her to stop. I think you should consider trying that method and just promptly moving out, to show him you arent cool with being given mixed signals and forcing him to either let you walk away or intervene asap for a reconciliation. If you keep putting up with the wishywashy behavior he might lose even more respect for you, see you as "needy" for sticking around, and inadvertently push him even further away.

 

Id tell him to stop, and ignore him completely until you can move into another place. If he wants you, he can stop you, talk to you, or intervene. Telling him to stop giving you the mixed signals probably isnt going to make him "give up on the relationship" and damage what could be a reconciliation. If anything i think it could improve the chances of one since he will respect you more, see you are serious, and realize he WILL lose you if he doesnt act. If you do ignore him, and go through with moving out, he will actually get an opportunity to miss you and decide for sure whether or not he wants to be in a relarionship with you. The fact is HE ended it and gave up on it, you need to show him you are a valuable person and that he is going to lose you because of that decision, which is what he wanted. Dont believe the mixed signals, go by what he told you - that its over. If he changes his mind it is his job to clearly VOICE that to you, it isnt your responsibility to decipher mixed signals and it wont get you any closer to reconciliation in my experience.

 

I spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out my ex's mixed signals. And look what happened- at the end of the day she just let me leave without resistance. That is much clearer evidence than any of the mixed signals were. Thats how you will know. I have a hard time believing that he would let you leave if he had ANY real intentions of reconciling at this point. And there is only one way to tell. Now that a month has passed for me, i now also realize that if your partner is the person you are going to spend the rest of life with, they would be knocking down doors to be with you! Not telling you its over and kicking you out! Think about that. If hes the right one for it would be his worst nightmare to lose you, so test that out by giving him what he asked for ane walk away.

Edited November 7, 2016 by jamili

[LastStraw]

I won't be able to do it tonight due to a short work trip, but I'll do this later this week.

 

 

I'm very transparent with him, he's just pulling away when I mention 'relationship' Or starts with 'Oh if we get back together it will be the same' bs.

 

 

I think I'll just keep it very mature and minimize the non-essential communication (like texting about the elections ). Or shall I keep it light?

 

 

Of course you talk more if you want to resolve the issues between you two.

Not contacting him would make him think you are unsure of what you want.

If you know what you want then tell him. Be adults about everything.

Send him a message telling him your thinking about him and look forward to seeing him tonight. That will put him in a good mood and he'll look forward to seeing you. Both of you have to put in the effort to make it work.

One sided efforts are always doomed to fail

[LastStraw]

Hi Jamili, I'm just afraid I'd not be even interested to get back together if he let me move out. It is a backwards step in a rl and IMO there is almost no way to repair the wound then. I also want to talk to him but... he somehow needs to get responsive. I know he's thinking about the same stuff because he slips in pet names, then correct himself, asks a lot about my life, family etc. I just think he's a stubborn dde and want to get back on his terms. Clock is ticking though - if we don't solve the issues I'm really going to move out in the end of the month and a perfectly good relationship will go down the drain

 

 

Hi Laststraw, thabks for reading my story . The exes do indeed sound pretty similar, and the situation does appear to be very much like what i went through just recently. This is what makes me wonder if he is just feeling guilty, or trying to be nice for his own conscience, or something like that.... like mine apparently was since she totally stopped contacting me after i asked her to stop. I think you should consider trying that method and just promptly moving out, to show him you arent cool with being given mixed signals and forcing him to either let you walk away or intervene asap for a reconciliation. If you keep putting up with the wishywashy behavior he might lose even more respect for you, see you as "needy" for sticking around, and inadvertently push him even further away.

 

Id tell him to stop, and ignore him completely until you can move into another place. If he wants you, he can stop you, talk to you, or intervene. Telling him to stop giving you the mixed signals probably isnt going to make him "give up on the relationship" and damage what could be a reconciliation. If anything i think it could improve the chances of one since he will respect you more, see you are serious, and realize he WILL lose you if he doesnt act. If you do ignore him, and go through with moving out, he will actually get an opportunity to miss you and decide for sure whether or not he wants to be in a relarionship with you. The fact is HE ended it and gave up on it, you need to show him you are a valuable person and that he is going to lose you because of that decision, which is what he wanted. Dont believe the mixed signals, go by what he told you - that its over. If he changes his mind it is his job to clearly VOICE that to you, it isnt your responsibility to decipher mixed signals and it wont get you any closer to reconciliation in my experience.

 

I spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out my ex's mixed signals. And look what happened- at the end of the day she just let me leave without resistance. That is much clearer evidence than any of the mixed signals were. Thats how you will know. I have a hard time believing that he would let you leave if he had ANY real intentions of reconciling at this point. And there is only one way to tell. Now that a month has passed for me, i now also realize that if your partner is the person you are going to spend the rest of life with, they would be knocking down doors to be with you! Not telling you its over and kicking you out! Think about that. If hes the right one for it would be his worst nightmare to lose you, so test that out by giving him what he asked for ane walk away.