How do I stop driving myself insane over my ex and her new boyfriend?

[xxgreen20]

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up 9/17, and we have been NC since the 18th, at my request. She wanted to be friends, but I refused since I still had feelings for her at the time. She tried texting me the day after the breakup, to which I politely told her not to contact me anymore. Just a week ago, I found out from a mutual friend that she had started talking to another guy the day after we broke up, and they made it official about a week after we broke up. Upon hearing this, I flew off the handle. I have absolutely no more feelings for her (I asked a girl out the other day, but nothing ever came of it), but I am so pissed off and hurt that she clearly never cared about me or had any feelings for me throughout our entire relationship, and that all the nice stuff she said and all the things she did were a complete lie, like how I was "the best boyfriend ever" and she "didn't know what she did to deserve me." I previously did not hate her before finding all of this out, even though I never intended to break NC, but now I despise her and her new boyfriend with every fiber of my being. I have been taking my anger about the situation out on everyone, asking our mutual friends, who met him for the first time last night, what he is like, are they romantic with each other, etc. I am even asking her friend, who I still keep in touch with, the details. I blocked her on all social media, deleted her number off my phone, and didn't even text her for her birthday yesterday. She and her new boyfriend can screw themselves and celebrate without me. I am so pissed off at both him and her that I can't even sleep at night. Anyway, how the heck can I deal with the fact that she never had any feelings for me or respect for me as a person and moved on after a week and a half? I almost texted her the other day telling her exactly what I thought of her, but I didn't want to get the mutual friend who told me this in trouble.

[HumanMachine]

She's having sex with him, he's pleasing her better than you ever could, they're building a new connection, she's introducing him to your friends, she wants him not you.

 

Those thoughts hurt; don't they?

 

Get over them. There is NOTHING you can do.

 

Stay nc, focus on improving yourself, that is all you can do.

[salparadise]

Anyway, how the heck can I deal with the fact that she never had any feelings for me or respect for me as a person and moved on after a week and a half? I almost texted her the other day telling her exactly what I thought of her, but I didn't want to get the mutual friend who told me this in trouble.

 

 

Dating someone new is what one would expect after a breakup. This notion that she never had feelings or respect for you is one huge assumption. I get that it hurts, which is natural, but what you're doing is denying the hurt, converting it to anger and directing it at her... instead of acknowledging your own feelings and taking time to grieve the loss.

 

Who broke up with whom? Did you get dumped against your wishes? That sort of adds insult to injury since it's both a loss and and ego hit. Regardless, it's going to take time to resolve. She may be dealing with her share of hurt too, and coping by getting with a new guy way too soon. If that's the case, it's a rebound.

 

It's also possible that she checked out of your relationship some time before the breakup. She may have come to terms well before you even knew. All you can do is deal with it and try not to take it too personally.

 

You need to grieve the loss. Anger is one of the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). Be your own best friend. Practice self-compassion and own your feelings. Be confident that you will feel better with passing time. Wishing you the best.

[xxgreen20]

Dating someone new is what one would expect after a breakup. This notion that she never had feelings or respect for you is one huge assumption. I get that it hurts, which is natural, but what you're doing is denying the hurt, converting it to anger and directing it at her... instead of acknowledging your own feelings and taking time to grieve the loss.

 

Who broke up with whom? Did you get dumped against your wishes? That sort of adds insult to injury since it's both a loss and and ego hit. Regardless, it's going to take time to resolve. She may be dealing with her share of hurt too, and coping by getting with a new guy way too soon. If that's the case, it's a rebound.

 

It's also possible that she checked out of your relationship some time before the breakup. She may have come to terms well before you even knew. All you can do is deal with it and try not to take it too personally.

 

You need to grieve the loss. Anger is one of the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). Be your own best friend. Practice self-compassion and own your feelings. Be confident that you will feel better with passing time. Wishing you the best.

 

She broke up with me because she no longer had feelings for me as a boyfriend and only thought of me as a friend. Now that I know about her new boyfriend, it is clear that she stopped having feelings for me during our relationship and then started having feelings for this jerk, which is why she broke up with me. I understand that people do eventually move on, but I actually felt something from the breakup, unlike her, and I wasn't ready to start dating again until just a few days ago. She didn't have the respect or decency for me as a person to wait and clearly didn't give a crap about the breakup. In fact, I am sure she, her friends, and this new guy went out for dinner and drinks the next day to celebrate her freedom from me. See what I'm doing to myself??

Edited October 20, 2016 by xxgreen20

[HumanMachine]

She broke up with me because she no longer had feelings for me as a boyfriend and only thought of me as a friend. Now that I know about her new boyfriend, it is clear that she stopped having feelings for me during our relationship and then started having feelings for this jerk, which is why she broke up with me. I understand that people do eventually move on, but I actually felt something from the breakup, unlike her, and I wasn't ready to start dating again until just a few days ago. She didn't have the respect or decency for me as a person to wait and clearly didn't give a crap about the breakup. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she, her friends, and this new guy went out for dinner the next day to celebrate her freedom from me. See what I'm doing to myself??

 

Why is he a jerk? YOU are the reason she left you, so focus on your negatives (start with rereading your post).. She is NOT coming back, especially with that attitude.

[xxgreen20]

Why is he a jerk? YOU are the reason she left you, so focus on your negatives (start with rereading your post).. She is NOT coming back, especially with that attitude.

 

She didn't even leave me. She told our friend instead of me that she no longer had feelings for me, and the friend told me what she said. I then confronted her about it and dumped the sorry liar. She essentially broke up with me, but I stopped the situation from getting worse. I treated her amazingly, so don't you dare tell me I was a jerk to her.

[HumanMachine]

She didn't even leave me. She told our friend instead of me that she no longer had feelings for me, and the friend told me what she said. I then confronted her about it and dumped the sorry liar. She essentially broke up with me, but I stopped the situation from getting worse. I treated her amazingly, so don't you dare tell me I was a jerk to her.

 

You called her new boyfriend a jerk in your other post - why?

[Kelley]

I know it hurts and you drive yourself crazy, but you just need to accept it somehow. Let the anger out by writing her a letter/e-mail then destroying it, never sending it. I was cheated on and then he started a relationship with her, I know it hurts. I have come to terms with it now, as it is just making me feel ill and anxious. There is nothing you can say to her to change the situation, and beating yourself up just beats you into the ground. Go NC and move on. Think of it as you weren't meant to be and you will heal and meet someone more suitable for you eventually. You have to let it go ....

[Redhead14]

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up 9/17, and we have been NC since the 18th, at my request. She wanted to be friends, but I refused since I still had feelings for her at the time. She tried texting me the day after the breakup, to which I politely told her not to contact me anymore. Just a week ago, I found out from a mutual friend that she had started talking to another guy the day after we broke up, and they made it official about a week after we broke up. Upon hearing this, I flew off the handle. I have absolutely no more feelings for her (I asked a girl out the other day, but nothing ever came of it), but I am so pissed off and hurt that she clearly never cared about me or had any feelings for me throughout our entire relationship, and that all the nice stuff she said and all the things she did were a complete lie, like how I was "the best boyfriend ever" and she "didn't know what she did to deserve me." I previously did not hate her before finding all of this out, even though I never intended to break NC, but now I despise her and her new boyfriend with every fiber of my being. I have been taking my anger about the situation out on everyone, asking our mutual friends, who met him for the first time last night, what he is like, are they romantic with each other, etc. I am even asking her friend, who I still keep in touch with, the details. I blocked her on all social media, deleted her number off my phone, and didn't even text her for her birthday yesterday. She and her new boyfriend can screw themselves and celebrate without me. I am so pissed off at both him and her that I can't even sleep at night. Anyway, how the heck can I deal with the fact that she never had any feelings for me or respect for me as a person and moved on after a week and a half? I almost texted her the other day telling her exactly what I thought of her, but I didn't want to get the mutual friend who told me this in trouble.

 

How do I stop driving myself insane -- Shut the "car" off. Get out of your own head and theirs. Find things that you enjoy doing and do them. Get busy with stuff you've been letting slide.

 

She doesn't deserve to have the power you are giving her by allowing yourself to waste emotional energy on her. Hopefully, you have other things/people who deserve your full attention and emotional energy.

[xxgreen20]

You called her new boyfriend a jerk in your other post - why?

 

I assume that if he's dating a person like her, he must be a jerk. No nice guy, besides me, would be a fool and date her.

[HumanMachine]

I assume that if he's dating a person like her, he must be a jerk. No nice guy, besides me, would be a fool and date her.

 

That's an odd assumption..

[xxgreen20]

That's an odd assumption..

 

Well, she's a horrible person, and usually like-minded people get together. A person like me should never have been with her.

[HumanMachine]

Well, she's a horrible person, and usually like-minded people get together. A person like me should never have been with her.

 

Sorry to be rude but you're sounding very 'supreme grentleman'

 

Hope you can get through this rough patch.

[Redhead14]

Well, she's a horrible person, and usually like-minded people get together. A person like me should never have been with her.

 

Well, the new guy may find himself rowing this same boat at some point . . . if she is truly a horrible person, he'll find out too.

 

Nevertheless, I think a more positive thought-process would serve you better -- she just wasn't "the one" for YOU.

[Raena]

You are hurt and acting out in anger... I get it.

 

However... you ended the relationship with her. What she does now is not your concern. Stop asking her friends and stop paying attention to what she is doing. Going no contact means that you not only don't contact her but you also don't contact her friends either. You shouldn't know what she's doing because you should be so immersed in your own life that you haven't a clue what she's doing.

 

It may take you awhile before you feel like you are ready to date again. Don't rush it. Take your time and be ready to move on without any baggage from this last relationship.

 

Get busy making your own life and let her live hers.

 

One saying that got me through was "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference" When you can get to the point where you really truly do not care what she is doing and who she is with then you will know that you are ready to move on. In the meantime... go out with your friends, make plans, improve on your career, go to the gym or other sports activities... keep so busy that you don't have a spare moment to lay around thinking about her.

[aloneinaz]

How old are you both? High School or college? Either way, you need to settle down, take a deep breath and understand a few things. She has NO obligation to meet your time frame on when she starts dating again. Once she ended it with you, her rights to do whatever she pleased were hers, not yours. It appears that she checked out emotionally from you towards the end of your relationship with her. So, she was ready to date when she dumped you.

 

Now, it does sound like she's a tree swinger. Jumps from one R/S to the next. Some folks do that and that's ok, especially if she's as young as I suspect. I clearly don't get why you're so angry over this? Yes, everyone's feelings get hurt when they're rejected. But, to be this angry a month later that she's happily moved on? Come on my man.. That's life. It's happens probably millions of times each day to others as well.

 

Stop giving her so much power. Find some self respect and pride in yourself. Why let ANYONE have that much power to upset you. Move on w/your life. Focus on your next GF that will be hotter and dig you. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that you're mad and care. It's not attractive at all and will only further stroke her ego.

[xxgreen20]

How old are you both? High School or college? Either way, you need to settle down, take a deep breath and understand a few things. She has NO obligation to meet your time frame on when she starts dating again. Once she ended it with you, her rights to do whatever she pleased were hers, not yours. It appears that she checked out emotionally from you towards the end of your relationship with her. So, she was ready to date when she dumped you.

 

Now, it does sound like she's a tree swinger. Jumps from one R/S to the next. Some folks do that and that's ok, especially if she's as young as I suspect. I clearly don't get why you're so angry over this? Yes, everyone's feelings get hurt when they're rejected. But, to be this angry a month later that she's happily moved on? Come on my man.. That's life. It's happens probably millions of times each day to others as well.

 

Stop giving her so much power. Find some self respect and pride in yourself. Why let ANYONE have that much power to upset you. Move on w/your life. Focus on your next GF that will be hotter and dig you. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that you're mad and care. It's not attractive at all and will only further stroke her ego.

 

I am 18, and she is 23 if that helps.

[xxgreen20]

You are hurt and acting out in anger... I get it.

 

However... you ended the relationship with her. What she does now is not your concern. Stop asking her friends and stop paying attention to what she is doing. Going no contact means that you not only don't contact her but you also don't contact her friends either. You shouldn't know what she's doing because you should be so immersed in your own life that you haven't a clue what she's doing.

 

It may take you awhile before you feel like you are ready to date again. Don't rush it. Take your time and be ready to move on without any baggage from this last relationship.

 

Get busy making your own life and let her live hers.

 

One saying that got me through was "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference" When you can get to the point where you really truly do not care what she is doing and who she is with then you will know that you are ready to move on. In the meantime... go out with your friends, make plans, improve on your career, go to the gym or other sports activities... keep so busy that you don't have a spare moment to lay around thinking about her.

 

I only ended it with her because I knew that she'd eventually turn around and do it to me.

[aloneinaz]

Dduudde, you're only 18. You have many single years ahead of you to go out and tear it up some! Let this girl go and go date. As soon as you meet someone new that likes you and you like them, you won't give a rats butt what these ex is doing.

Edited October 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Raena]

I only ended it with her because I knew that she'd eventually turn around and do it to me.

 

OK so, it makes no difference who ended it or why. What matters is... it's over.

 

You are only 18. Get busy focused on making a career, going to college, something... anything other than sitting around worrying about what she's doing.

 

It sounds like you made the right decision anyway... so let her go.

[Been]

I know it sucks. Being replaced that quickly. And your angry and the only thing that will come out of it is making yourself look bad if you act on your anger.

And I know you've asked your friends probably 100 different questions about the situation.

Most people who move that fast are insecure. And 9 out of 10 times it won't last.

And yes more then likely she was seeing him BEFORE you ended it-don't ask because she will never tell you the truth.

And that's what you need to hear-she deceived you/lied to you so why would you worry about someone like that

I was engaged at one point in my life. She used to leave me notes saying how awesome I was,how she couldn't wait to be married etc. I broke up with her. Turns out she was sleeping with multiple men and 5 days after we broke up moved her ex in with her. Point I'm making is judge people by their actions not what they write or say. It's your actions that define you As a person. And your ex girlfriend doesn't seem like an honest person.

[xxgreen20]

I know it sucks. Being replaced that quickly. And your angry and the only thing that will come out of it is making yourself look bad if you act on your anger.

And I know you've asked your friends probably 100 different questions about the situation.

Most people who move that fast are insecure. And 9 out of 10 times it won't last.

And yes more then likely she was seeing him BEFORE you ended it-don't ask because she will never tell you the truth.

And that's what you need to hear-she deceived you/lied to you so why would you worry about someone like that

I was engaged at one point in my life. She used to leave me notes saying how awesome I was,how she couldn't wait to be married etc. I broke up with her. Turns out she was sleeping with multiple men and 5 days after we broke up moved her ex in with her. Point I'm making is judge people by their actions not what they write or say. It's your actions that define you As a person. And your ex girlfriend doesn't seem like an honest person.

 

She is a liar. Her best friend still keeps in touch with me occasionally (she's engaged, so it's obviously just as a friend), and her friend told me that they started seeing each other right after we broke up, but I don't entirely believe that. I mean, her friend and her have been on the outs lately, but I still don't entirely believe the friend that she just found somebody else. I think they were dating beforehand. And this friend introduced the 2 of them as well.

[ExpatInItaly]

She is a liar. Her best friend still keeps in touch with me occasionally (she's engaged, so it's obviously just as a friend), and her friend told me that they started seeing each other right after we broke up, but I don't entirely believe that. I mean, her friend and her have been on the outs lately, but I still don't entirely believe the friend that she just found somebody else. I think they were dating beforehand. And this friend introduced the 2 of them as well.

 

This friend isn't being a friend. Tell her to knock it off with the updates.

 

Also, 18 and 23 is too big of a gap at your age. You need to let this one go.

 

For what it's worth, I also wouldn't believe that she met this guy after you broke up with her. She was probably talking to him beforehand. But in the end, it doesn't actually matter. The important thing is that you process these feelings and let them go. You are keeping yourself stuck, and this "friend" isn't helping one bit.

 

As the others have said, you are still extremely young. You have years of dating ahead of you, and you want to be able to enjoy them.

Edited October 21, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[WonderKid]

I agree. I got broken up with my ex and only person I kept in contact with was her sister. But her sister is real cool she never not once brought up our breakup or nothing. She never gave updates or anything. My family will give a little update here or there but I stop them. You gotta get her out your head man. It won't help you go along further if she still living in your thoughts.

[keiji]

I have absolutely no more feelings for her (I asked a girl out the other day, but nothing ever came of it), but I am so pissed off and hurt that she clearly never cared about me or had any feelings for me throughout our entire relationship, and that all the nice stuff she said and all the things she did were a complete lie

 

I think the root of the problem is here. You're denying a blatant reality: that you do have feelings for her, that you haven't accepted the situation at all and that you're full of hate and frustration right now. I can totally understand your feelings, but as long as you don't accept them, you'll keep thinking life is very unfair to you and everybody else is a jerk.

 

She lost her feelings for you. What can she do about it? Perhaps she wasn't honest straightaway, but it's not easy to hurt someone else unless you're a psycopath. On the other hand, if she's such a horrible person, why aren't you throwing a party instead of losing your temper?

 

You need to realize that you're not OK with her leaving, digest it, which may take a while, and carry on.