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4 months dating 1 month NC, thoughts?


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Hi. I want to keep this short as possible but if I do you won't know the details. So here I go. I am Pisces male who was dating a POSSIBLE narcissistic Virgo women for 4 months. I'm 31 and Christian, she was 24 and Muslim. She kind of looked like Kylie Jenner and was clearly self absorbed in her looks and career. Charming as hell I couldn't say no and gave it a shot. Regardless of the fact on our second date together she said, "you realize this won't work because of your religion right?". That quickly got overshadowed by making it work. Then transitioned into her saying she wasn't practicing and it's less a factor. We made it work...

 

I won't get into every detail of the relationship. It was great in the beginning, not bad toward the end but she definitely was becoming sketchy and not putting effort into the relationship. But was doing enough, bare minimum to be considered a girlfriend and she definitely took, took, and took some more and got by. She'd constantly say I treat her so well. She tells her friends and parents. Yet I had not met any of them except her youngest sister. (Look at peoples actions not what they say). I brushed it aside and kept things moving as I did for many of her RED flags. I must say I treated her far better than any girl I've been with. Maybe because I am Middle Eastern and she was my first Middle Eastern girl I have been which I have been fantasizing in my head since a kid.

 

In any case through out the relationship rules were applied to me and not to her in a lot of facets of the relationship. For example. She wanted me on a leash, would freak out at the thought of me being out with guy friends alone etc, "I know what you do! Were you good tonight?". Yet wanted all the freedom in the world. Overly flirtatious with other guys, and getting a RIDICULOUS amount of attention.

 

Not to be cocky I feel I am handsome and get my fair of attention as well. Aside form this she was not including me in her real life plans and parties with friends. I felt compartmentalized even though we did go to social function once and awhile. It wasn't enjoyable most the time because she'd drink too much and become volatile toward me.

 

This applied to things like contact as well, I couldn't go two days without contacting her without her complaining. But she could go several days when she needed space and feel I had no right to be upset.

 

She definitely was displaying all the behaviors of a narcissist. She displayed 100% narcissistic traits but she could just have narc tendencies, but truly just be selfish, young, and immature as well. I went through the phases, from being idealized to devalued.

 

I knew the devalue stage was coming once she criticized me for not grieving properly over my Mother who passed away two years ago from aggressive cancer. Saying "you keep taking about her like she passed yesterday, she didn't!". Then criticized me for being on antidepressants (which has now led me to get actually get off of them).

 

In any case the criticism got worse, one night to a point where she was so mean toward me I started shedding some manly tears lol. That next morning she mentioned taking a break. In hindsight I should have agreed and it might have salvaged the relationship. Instead I said a break is a break up and we continued to try to make it work without addressing expectations.

 

In the beginning she was excellent at communicating but toward the last month any issues we had she'd brush under a rug instead of communicating and follow with "I don't want to discuss it I just want to have fun".

 

The treatment got worse when she essentially forced me to cancel a trip to a friends bachelor party because it was "an extension to her bday weekend and leaving meant I didn't care". In hindsight I should have gone but didn't because I wanted to preserve the relationship and cancelled the trip. I think at this point she knew she had some control and started to become horrible with communication. Text responses were a day late, etc.

 

Two weekends later we are supposed to be going on a cruise. She bows out mid week saying she can't afford it. Potentially hinting for me to pay for it, after several birthday gifts totaling close to $300 I decided to say no. Not literally saying that but essentially I responded by we can do something chill this weekend instead.

 

Come that Friday she tells me shes going to NYC with her girlfriends, and not doing anything with me. I tried biting my tongue but stood up for myself! I felt she was pulling away, I pushed for what I felt I deserved and didn't back down. I asked for her to put in a LITTLE more effort in one more time (I had asked previously once and she blew it off).

 

She flipped, screamed, yelled, "I'm sick of having to report to you, I told you I am a bad girlfriend, you could have just booked a trip for us". Etc. This went on for about 3-4 minutes until she decided that it would be best for her to call me back. Then went silent for three days. I reached out after hearing of the NYC bombings had happened to see if she was ok, she was civil but slow to respond.

 

This continued for that next week with short phone conversations. And finally ended on that Thursday. I asked her to meet with me for an hour so we could chat. I was actually going to suggest we try to see what's not working to resolve it but she had no idea what she was in for. Maybe she thought I was going to break up with her? I texted her saying let's not meet out. We can meet at my place and I'll get a bottle of wine. She was expected to arrive at 9-9:30 pm. She never showed.

 

I let a few days go by and never responded or asked what happened. Why she didn't show up. I waited on her. A week went by. Two weeks. I started to battle with myself and pride about sending a message, "I need closure", "what went wrong", "can we discuss this please" type message. But I couldn't get myself to send anything, I just felt I deserved better. Not necessarily an apology but at least a word from her. It's not been close to a month and a half I want to say. And I have sent nothing, and she has sent nothing.

 

The last thing she received from me was, "if you're too tired to meet out just come by and I can get a bottle of wine".

 

So here is where the help comes in. I am dating new women. Working out regularly. I have worked on my looks, career. Potentially getting a new job. Overall I am feeling great. But for some reason I wake up every morning, first 5-10 minutes of waking up in pain. I wonder about her, why she ghosted, what I did wrong (truly nothing). Maybe because she stayed over regularly and slept in my bed and left from work form my place so it's a trigger? No idea but in any case it bothers the hell out of me.

 

Am I being too stubborn by not reaching out? Was I right by not expressing my hurt and disappointment by her actions or lack of? Should I continue on NC? if I were to reach out again what would be my approach? Should I just continue NC and date others as I have been. I am confused. Thoughts, advice? I have avoided my social media but we are still friends. Any CONSTRUCTIVE feedback is GREATLY appreciated :). Thanks!

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Hi. I want to keep this short as possible but if I do you won't know the details. So here I go. I am Pisces male who was dating a POSSIBLE narcissistic Virgo women for 4 months. I'm 31 and Christian, she was 24 and Muslim. She kind of looked like Kylie Jenner and was clearly self absorbed in her looks and career. Charming as hell I couldn't say no and gave it a shot. Regardless of the fact on our second date together she said, "you realize this won't work because of your religion right?". That quickly got overshadowed by making it work. Then transitioned into her saying she wasn't practicing and it's less a factor. We made it work...

 

I won't get into every detail of the relationship. It was great in the beginning, not bad toward the end but she definitely was becoming sketchy and not putting effort into the relationship. But was doing enough, bare minimum to be considered a girlfriend and she definitely took, took, and took some more and got by. She'd constantly say I treat her so well. She tells her friends and parents. Yet I had not met any of them except her youngest sister. (Look at peoples actions not what they say). I brushed it aside and kept things moving as I did for many of her RED flags. I must say I treated her far better than any girl I've been with. Maybe because I am Middle Eastern and she was my first Middle Eastern girl I have been which I have been fantasizing in my head since a kid.

 

In any case through out the relationship rules were applied to me and not to her in a lot of facets of the relationship. For example. She wanted me on a leash, would freak out at the thought of me being out with guy friends alone etc, "I know what you do! Were you good tonight?". Yet wanted all the freedom in the world. Overly flirtatious with other guys, and getting a RIDICULOUS amount of attention.

 

Not to be cocky I feel I am handsome and get my fair of attention as well. Aside form this she was not including me in her real life plans and parties with friends. I felt compartmentalized even though we did go to social function once and awhile. It wasn't enjoyable most the time because she'd drink too much and become volatile toward me.

 

This applied to things like contact as well, I couldn't go two days without contacting her without her complaining. But she could go several days when she needed space and feel I had no right to be upset.

 

She definitely was displaying all the behaviors of a narcissist. She displayed 100% narcissistic traits but she could just have narc tendencies, but truly just be selfish, young, and immature as well. I went through the phases, from being idealized to devalued.

 

I knew the devalue stage was coming once she criticized me for not grieving properly over my Mother who passed away two years ago from aggressive cancer. Saying "you keep taking about her like she passed yesterday, she didn't!". Then criticized me for being on antidepressants (which has now led me to get actually get off of them).

 

In any case the criticism got worse, one night to a point where she was so mean toward me I started shedding some manly tears lol. That next morning she mentioned taking a break. In hindsight I should have agreed and it might have salvaged the relationship. Instead I said a break is a break up and we continued to try to make it work without addressing expectations.

 

In the beginning she was excellent at communicating but toward the last month any issues we had she'd brush under a rug instead of communicating and follow with "I don't want to discuss it I just want to have fun".

 

The treatment got worse when she essentially forced me to cancel a trip to a friends bachelor party because it was "an extension to her bday weekend and leaving meant I didn't care". In hindsight I should have gone but didn't because I wanted to preserve the relationship and cancelled the trip. I think at this point she knew she had some control and started to become horrible with communication. Text responses were a day late, etc.

 

Two weekends later we are supposed to be going on a cruise. She bows out mid week saying she can't afford it. Potentially hinting for me to pay for it, after several birthday gifts totaling close to $300 I decided to say no. Not literally saying that but essentially I responded by we can do something chill this weekend instead.

 

Come that Friday she tells me shes going to NYC with her girlfriends, and not doing anything with me. I tried biting my tongue but stood up for myself! I felt she was pulling away, I pushed for what I felt I deserved and didn't back down. I asked for her to put in a LITTLE more effort in one more time (I had asked previously once and she blew it off).

 

She flipped, screamed, yelled, "I'm sick of having to report to you, I told you I am a bad girlfriend, you could have just booked a trip for us". Etc. This went on for about 3-4 minutes until she decided that it would be best for her to call me back. Then went silent for three days. I reached out after hearing of the NYC bombings had happened to see if she was ok, she was civil but slow to respond.

 

This continued for that next week with short phone conversations. And finally ended on that Thursday. I asked her to meet with me for an hour so we could chat. I was actually going to suggest we try to see what's not working to resolve it but she had no idea what she was in for. Maybe she thought I was going to break up with her? I texted her saying let's not meet out. We can meet at my place and I'll get a bottle of wine. She was expected to arrive at 9-9:30 pm. She never showed.

 

I let a few days go by and never responded or asked what happened. Why she didn't show up. I waited on her. A week went by. Two weeks. I started to battle with myself and pride about sending a message, "I need closure", "what went wrong", "can we discuss this please" type message. But I couldn't get myself to send anything, I just felt I deserved better. Not necessarily an apology but at least a word from her. It's not been close to a month and a half I want to say. And I have sent nothing, and she has sent nothing.

 

The last thing she received from me was, "if you're too tired to meet out just come by and I can get a bottle of wine".

 

So here is where the help comes in. I am dating new women. Working out regularly. I have worked on my looks, career. Potentially getting a new job. Overall I am feeling great. But for some reason I wake up every morning, first 5-10 minutes of waking up in pain. I wonder about her, why she ghosted, what I did wrong (truly nothing). Maybe because she stayed over regularly and slept in my bed and left from work form my place so it's a trigger? No idea but in any case it bothers the hell out of me.

 

Am I being too stubborn by not reaching out? Was I right by not expressing my hurt and disappointment by her actions or lack of? Should I continue on NC? if I were to reach out again what would be my approach? Should I just continue NC and date others as I have been. I am confused. Thoughts, advice? I have avoided my social media but we are still friends. Any CONSTRUCTIVE feedback is GREATLY appreciated :). Thanks!

 

Am I being too stubborn by not reaching out? -- No, it's not about being stubborn. It's about accepting that this relationship is a train-wreck and moving forward yourself and not exposing yourself to more abuse and disrespect. You're being smart. Maintain no contact FOREVER.

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Hi there :)

 

what happened to you exactly happened to me. was supposed to meet up with ex to talk, he never showed up called or texted. My pride didnt let me either and no he isnt dead. Dont text and block her everywhere.

 

by the end of this when you get over it, you will be happy you kept your pride atleast. I know I am :)

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I know this is the right path to choose. Thanks everyone for the reaffirmation. But I still have some burning thoughts to get off my chest.

 

1st point. Some days I think about how easy it was for her to walk away. After exploiting and attacking my vulnerabilities, i.e. my Mother's death, being on antidepressants, being slightly codependent, being so mean and critical toward me. In contrast to how loving, caring, and sweet I was to her. Not to say EXTREMELY supportive and thoughtful! She also didn't even walk away respectfully but in a disrespectful fashion, the yelling-blaming-projecting, not calling back, then standing me up day the day I thought we'd talk. It's almost as if the better I treated her or cared for her the more she hated me felt I deserved punishment (possibly due to the narcissism). Then has no problem likely attaching to a new guy or living her life out in happiness with no remorse. Of course I have no indication that this previous sentence is a reality but it very well could be; if she's truly a narc then deep down inside she is miserable.

 

Anyway those thoughts alone set aside the fact that I'm attractive, kind, caring, compassionate, have a great family, two nice cars, modern nice apartment, and I start to think what kind of piece of **** am I that it wasn't enough. That I couldn't keep this person satisfied even after providing her with (not to be cocky) but near perfect boyfriend qualities. I was always concerned about her feelings over mine, her orgasm over mine, pretty much what you'd expect from a partner with narc tendencies, you become centered on their needs. And then my self-worth, confidence plummets. Why because we feel empathy and expect other humans to be the same. So logically that person should feel for me. Like any other partner that I have been with and experienced a normal break up with. This is only a struggle at times, typically mornings. But it has got so bad to the point where I hate myself when I look in the mirror or don't feel worthy of the partners I'm currently talking to. I am embarrassed to say I have cried over this a few times. Not as of late but it's just such a shameful-hurtful feeling to have given someone 150% and received close to nothing in return. Thoughts?

 

2nd point. She is 24. As mature as she acts or maybe is pretending to be. Maybe she is naive to her actions and by me not expressing disdain for her actions. Or even communicating in anyway I am not making her accountable for her actions. In essence I am giving her a pass to just walk away (easy road). I never expressed my emotional hurt, "you don't treat someone this way type message", instead I internalized it. I didn't either express a sentiment to know "what went wrong? I need closure type message" with a normal emotionally grounded message, again I internalized it. I didn't do either and she could simply see that as a need not to address it. That I was fine walking away maybe. Or that the time gap, now a month and a half as too as too far gone to contact me. Or she truly didn't care. Out of sight out of mind? Or maybe she feels she was so wrong in what she did she had-has no place to reach out to me. OR if she truly is a narc then her presence as a "God" in my life is my blessing and she feels I should be begging-pleading for her affection. Even after she curbed and dumped me. This one has been difficult but obviously I have been doing ok and it's actually become impossible for me to fathom sending anything at this point. I do wonder the outcome had I did. But then I always think to this "if they care they will reach out". Thoughts?

 

3. She is still on my social media. This has been difficult for me. One side says unfollow, keep her, show indifference. The best way to get revenge is too live happily and never look book. The other side of me says she has no right to see what's going on in my life after how she treated me. Then again I do find that I am not fully healed. And I am subconscious about what her eyes see when I post. For example before un-following her, she was in a bad accident about 2 weeks ago and I never reached out with an "are you ok I saw what happened?". I was strong enough to stay NC even though I was going to, I was tempted subconsciously to use that as an excuse to touch base. I didn't. Thoughts? This one is the least important out my three points.

 

I think this is all, I have gotten it all off my chest. Nothing else for me to address. So helpful, I am really happy with this forum and the community here. Thanks so much :).

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3) Blocking someone from your social media isn't to prove anything, it's for you. A month after my ex ghosted me, his best friend added me on snapchat and started following me on facebook. I was travelling in Europe during that time and if I was thinking your way, I would have kept her just to show her how much fun I was having so she could go tell him but I chose to block her ass too as she had no right to see what was going on in my life. She doesn't care if you reach out or not, she wouldnt have ghosted you if she gave two ****s. As harsh as this sounds, I was told the same thing here and this is what kind of helped me in moving on.

 

2) Before blocking him everywhere, I posted on this forum asking if I should send them a text before I do to express how hurt I am and every single person said no. You did the right thing by just ignoring her and not giving her a reaction. Can you imagine how worse it would be if you did but she didnt even reply back, which she probably wouldnt have. I'm happy your pride stopped you because atleast you showed her you didnt care enough to check what was going on with her or why she didnt show up.

 

1) I understand you're hurt and trust me, I know how you feel. I was in the exact same situation. Three months ago I coulnt even move from bed but now I feel alot better.

 

By time, you will move on and be glad this trainwreck is out of your life. I know you love her but rest assured that you have done nothing wrong and mos timportantly, walked away with your pride :) It gets better, I promise :)

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Thank you very much for taking your time out to respond. Much appreciated. I hope you have a nice weekend. I can't say I'm thrilled with this experience but there is a sense of enlightenment from it all. Looking at it as a lesson to spot these red flags and trust my gut in the future.

 

I think it's also fair to let you know I do think I was somewhat needy in the relationship. This could have been a turnoff and I do take responsibility for that. But I guess you will be needy if your partner is dangling there attention and time and then pulling it away from you.

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You were not needy, stop blaming yourself. It's crazy how I posted about this here too lol. I guess since our experience was similar we both felt the same way afterwards.

 

It's normal to be needy and insecure when your partner gives you all the attention and confuses the hell out of you. Also, if she as a good person, she would have at least spoke to you about it and explained that this is the reason why she is ending things with you, not end things like a ****ing worthless coward.

 

I really hope you have the courage to block her :) Trust me, it will knock the chip even more of her shoulder. Have a nice weekend too :)

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I have to add one other thing. I do think she would have responded. Even after the yelling episode. That latter week she had responded to texts, albeit anywhere between 4 to 8 hours later, she'd typically call me after work. Or respond in some manner. It wasn't until she stood me up and I went silent that she did the same. I don't think the results would be any different in the long run.

 

I just can't help but think the relationship failing was my fault. Though anybody with a sane mind would strongly disagree with me. My sister, very experienced an older than I, "you did nothing wrong, if it was another girl she would have been greatly appreciate for the person you were". Anyway time will heal all.

 

PS: I just noticed your response, I know you are right. It definitely isn't my fault. If you knew the way I treated this girl you'd probably want to throw up :). Planned extremely romantic dates, gift giving, acts of service, words of affirmation, she got it all! Congrats on her ego boost. I think karma is real, it'll do its job.

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Im sorry but her texting you the day before or whenever doesnt mean anything. A day before my ex ghosted me he was on the phone begging me to go back to him, going on and on about how it was his fault things were screwed up, etc.

 

I used to blame myself too but it's okay, this is actually a sign you;re moving on. Someone here posted a link before on one of my posts about steps of moving on and blaming yourself was one of them.

 

There is no ego boost. You texted her once, asking her where she is (completely normal) and then never contacted her again. Nothing to boost her ago here, it's not like you were calling and pleading and begging. I didnt even bother texting to be honest lol because I found out the same way he had cheated with a friend.

 

You will be fine. Time will heal it all and allow yourself to be upset :) It's okay.*lots of hugs*

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Thanks! Oh I definitely didn't boost her ego after she had yelled at me. I kept it very indifferent and civil after that. I would never let someone walk over my dignity and self respect like that.

 

I meant more so during the relationship when we were a "couple". Leaving work to take care of her while she was sick, bringing medication, cuddling her and tending her needs. The gifts for her bday "Tiffany bracelet, Chanel perfume, etc". The times I'd set aside my schedule on her "stressed tantrum throwing" days to make her feel better. That stuff must have been an ego boost. Telling her "I love her", how "amazing I think she is". HA! I truly did care for her as twisted as it sounds.

 

Anyway it's been a tremendous help to hear from someone in nearly an identical situation. Feeling good, got a date tonight. I have had 5 solid dates with another women who is beyond caring-thoughtful. It's like night and day. It's so refreshing to know there are women out there who will appreciate a kindhearted thoughtful and chivalrous guy. Just gotta get past those episodes of shame-guilt and feeling like a failure, missing, and getting down on myself over this not worthy person. Ok done. Thread success!

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Getting complacent. Frustrated. Had a super sad episode yesterday. Unfortunately I have yet to meet someone better. I know it's coming. That'll be the point I'll move on. It always has been but until then she'll be the fall back in my mind when there is silence. Or a trigger, a song we listened to together, etc.

 

It goes like this...

 

Frustrated + sad + thinking of ex = have been dating, feeling good, feeling worthy again but not fulfilled with a new female because I don't value her as much or more than the ex.

 

Moved on + happy + not thinking of ex = dating only 1 person or multiple, feeling worthy and fulfilled with a female that makes me forget about the last. Because I value her the same or above the ex.

 

 

Sucks. I refuse to reach out. But I admit in hindsight the relationship failed because of me. I got needy due to her being cold and distance. I should have just backed up and kept things fun. Hangout, have fun and hook up. Instead I focused on boyfriend girlfriend and switched the sexual polarity. She wasn't someone capable of a relationship but I tried to force it. She felt like the man which is uncomfortable due to me being needy. Her freedom was being was being jeopardized and I came off as worthless, not worthy, desperate, with low self esteem. On top of that I inflated her worth by being so "nice" and putting her on pedestal. Women want guys who treat them well but but keep them guessing and who's feelings are unsure. I really can't blame her for walking away, I would have done the same. But I def would have met and give my partner a chance to talk, and me given them a reason as to why it wasn't working. That was f*cked up!

 

I any case, the universe brought her into my life to recognize my codependent tendencies. Teach me how to spot red flags (too many too count), and also build my self-worth, confidence, and purpose without a female. To be able to not be a doormat and stand by ground and demand what I want and deserve. So all in all it was definitely a victory from failure i guess. It wasn't going to last. Some other guy will make my mistakes and the cycle will continue.

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A 24 year old girl who resembles Kylie Jenner and has narcissistic tendencies is out getting more attention. This girl probably doesn't even want a bf right now because she probably has a lot of options. I would block her if I were you so you can heal and get into other girls.

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So never send anything? Shouldn't even express that I did some things wrong in the relationship? I'm guessing not. Nadine kinda hit it on the head earlier. I just know how stubborn she is but may be receptive if I were to say something a long the lines of. "Hey thanks for pushing me to get off antidepressants. I am feeling much better off of them. I realize I made some mistakes during the relationship. Though I know that's in the past I'd love to catch up and grab a drink with no expectations".

 

I still feel even if I over pursued or complained that we weren't communicating enough. 4 months dating warrants more than ghosting. Especially considering how awesome a bf I was, supportive, etc. So sending a message what does that say about my self worth? Maybe I should block her and never look back. It's been about 35 days or so since we last spoke. I think I've given ample time and was BEYOND considerate to keep her on my social media. I see another guy she blew off is friends on her fb I DONT WANT to be that guy. If I'm not in your real life no way we need to be fb friends. And unfriending isn't enough I think blocking is the way to go.

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