Out of the blue breakup

[ashbash88]

My boyfriend of 2 years (friends for 4) broke up with me completely out of the blue. While he was breaking up with me he was crying a lot and kept contradicting himself. Saying things like, "it's not that I 100% don't want to be with you I just want to do my own thing more" or "I never thought this would happen to us", and "I'm probably going to regret this". And when he left he was hugging me and bawling his eyes out.

 

It was very confusing for me because it was like he was genuinely confused as to if he wanted to do it or not. He said he has a lot that he needs to focus on and figure out and doesn't want to drag me through him being selfish. He's graduating college this year and he has a lot of decisions for himself that he has to make. I did ask him if there was someone else in the picture and he said "absolutely not, I just want to be alone. I don't want to focus on a relationship or anyone right now."

 

Being in his life for two years I did grow very close with his family they called me after very upset because they were worried about him because he said he doesn't know who he is or what he wants for himself. & told them he didn't want to talk because he was so upset and that he just needs time to focus on him.

 

I did reach out to him on three occasions. The first occasion I said good luck this weekend I hope it goes well. He plays for his university and I just wanted to be nice. One of my friends texted him and asked for a recipe he used to make for our parties and she said I'm sad it didn't work out with you two and he said, "we will see what happens". To me that was like a mini slap in the face. To me it meant that he was keeping me on the back burner if doing his own thing doesn't lead to anything better.

 

I reached out to him the next week and sent him a very nice text, saying that I don't understand why but that I have to understand that this is what he wants and needs. And that if he needed anything I'm here for him. I tried to clarify and gain closure that the reason he ended this was because he didn't want to be with me and I asked if there was no chance for us? He replied and was very nice and said "I wouldn't say there is no chance! I just want to do my own thing." I left it at that because what else is there to say. I wanted to get some form of clarification from him so I could have a definite reason why things ended. I don't think I will ever get a real reason as to why, because I don't even know if he knows. I just remind myself that he truly doesn't want to be with me.

 

Then he reached out to me a week later and gave me follow up results from an appointment. I'm not sure why, I mean I guess it was nice but what was the point?

 

I'm making the positive steps to move forward. I have also decided to not contact him first again. My biggest hurt is that he's treated me completely disposable. As if our friendship and relationship meant nothing to him.

 

Any helpful advice or kind words?

Edited October 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Sweetgirl28]

May I ask how old you are? Since he is going to university, I assume you are teenagers?

[ashbash88]

We are both 22, so early twenties.

[Sweetgirl28]

In that case, I think he feels he wants his freedom. 4 years is a very long time at that age. I assume he feels he hasn't been able to "explore the world" yet, whatever that may mean to him.

 

In addition, graduating from and/or going to university is a milestone in everyone's life. Some people feel a call for change at those times in their lives.

 

Although it may be early to speculate anything, I do feel there is still some hope left in your situation. He may come back at some point and realize the error of his ways. If he doesn't, consider this as a milestone for you too. Maybe it's time for you to explore the world and meet new guys. After all, you have known him your entire young adult life.

 

IMO, the best way to proceed here is to take time for yourself and ask yourself what you really want. Does you whole life depend on him? Will you be able to be successful without him?

[ashbash88]

Thank you. You are correct, graduating college and making decisions for whats next is very exciting and a big deal. I think a reason I am so upset is that it came completely out of nowhere. Two days before he was telling me that he wants to be with me forever (and this wasn't the first time we talked about having a future together) and then the day before we break up hes distraught because he says he cant give me what I need but that he doesn't want to break up and then the next day he breaks up with me.

Another sad part is that his family still wants to be heavily involved in my life and its hard because I am still healing and I don't want him to know how I am through them.

 

I do remember him saying he felt a lot of pressure on him because of school and the sport he plays. So maybe he just needs time.

Edited October 19, 2016 by ashbash88

[ashbash88]

So my ex deleted all photos of us from instagram...except one. There were at least 20 photos of us that he deleted...except for one photo of him and I. Which is still at the top of his page.

 

Don't understand this at all. He broke up with me a month ago. We were together for 2 years.

[HumanMachine]

What I don't understand is why you haven't blocked your ex on ig, and why you're checking up on him in the first place?

 

Ask him if you're that desperate to know.. but be prepared to go back to square one.

[Kelley]

Maybe he just likes how he looks in the photo! You should really just block everything, it only hurts more. Sometimes you are just better off not knowing anything and trying to move on.

[ashbash88]

I am continuing NC. I have officially deleted him off of social media. Very sad but I feel that now I can truly get out of the limbo trap I put myself in and move forward.

I am scared that I will never hear from him again- but everything always happens for a reason.

Edited October 24, 2016 by ashbash88
Adding additional information.

[Satu]

I am continuing NC. I have officially deleted him off of social media. Very sad but I feel that now I can truly get out of the limbo trap I put myself in and move forward.

I am scared that I will never hear from him again- but everything always happens for a reason.

 

Even if you don't ever hear from again, you'll still be ok.

 

You'll be more than ok.

 

You'll successfully adapt to the change in your circumstances, and will be busy enjoying your life.

 

But there is a period of adjustment needed, and thats where you are now.

 

 

Take care.

[stillafool]

Don't be afraid of not hearing from him again as he made this choice. You completely did the right thing by blocking him on social media. Silence is golden when someone breaks up with you. It is taking back your power. He is far more likely to think about you if you go ghost than if you are in contact with him being nice and understanding. Go completely ghost on him.

[ashbash88]

Why do I feel like I am the only one hurting in this? I just can't believe his complete disregard for the situation. Which I know the type of person he is and he just pushes everything under the rug.

I know I have to keep it moving, it's just so hard when you're caught off guard with a breakup and completely cut out of a persons life that you were both invested in.

 

I called him to get some of my things back and he didn't answer or ever call me back. (Ps that's the first time I've called since before our breakup)

Edited October 25, 2016 by ashbash88
Adding info

[ashbash88]

Why do I feel like I am the only one hurting in this? I just can't believe his complete disregard for the situation. Which I know the type of person he is and he just pushes everything under the rug.

I know I have to keep it moving, it's just so hard when you're caught off guard with a breakup and completely cut out of a persons life cold turkey. I keep hanging on his words of uncertainty. Him telling my friends "we will see what happens" -'d him telling me after the break up, "I wouldn't say there's no chance for us! Just want to be alone for now"

Ive blocked him on social media. Which was so scary because I feel like it's so permanent. But I know I need to do this for my healing.

 

I called him to get some of my things back and wanted to try and see why he's treating me the way he is- and he didn't answer or ever call me back (Ps this is the only time I've called since before our break up)

[MsJayne]

You don't say how long you were together for. Are we talking years or weeks? Regardless of the length of the relationship, "I want to be alone for now" means "I want to break up with you but I don't want to deal with your emotions so I'm pretending we might get back together". Quite likely he's not returning your call because he's with someone else and if you see him he'll have to explain why he lied about wanting to be alone. If the belongings you have at his place aren't vital to you it's best to let them go for the time being because if you see him it will slow down your recovery.

[Sunnymae]

These first few weeks will require all your will power to not contact him. Contacting him will not bring closure, will not get him back, will not keep him from forgetting you, it will most likely push him further away, because he doesn't want to be reminded of the hurt he's caused you. Contacting him will not change anything! If anything, it will make you look pathetic in his eyes. He is dead set on someone else, or else he wouldn't have just left you like that. Trust me my guy of 3 years did the same to me. One week we're talking about moving in together, and then a couple weeks later bam, he says, he needs some time to think and that maybe after a month, He'll feel differently. It's going on six months. I'm finally realizing there's nothing to hold on to. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I've been there done that. I speak from experience. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. You're going to have to work through this journalize, exercise, watch comedy, reconnect with old friends, whatever it takes to work through this. If you get the urge to contact write a letter and post it the the section of coping "instead of sending to ex post it here" It's in the Coping section of LS It really helped me get it off my chest.

[Been]

The more you contact him the less likely you are going to get back with him.

[ashbash88]

Boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me out of the blue. After a month of him contradicting himself and not being able to give a definite answer as to why he continues to say "whatever happens happens". We talked last week and he was so nonchalant about everything like he didn't even care or miss me at all.

I decided for my own sanity to block him on IG and Twitter and move forward.

Those are the two we both are very active on.

 

Sometimes I feel really guilty that I did that and other days I don't.

1. I don't want him to think I am immature or weak and can't handle the break up.

2.I don't want to come off as vindictive

3. I don't want to cut off that connection to him.

 

I know it's just social media and nothing is permanent.

 

What are your thoughts on blocking an ex after a break up?

Edited October 28, 2016 by ashbash88

[stillafool]

I think it is one of the healthiest things you can do after a breakup. You are able to heal without expecting contact from them which will drive you crazy. Why are you worried about what he thinks when you should be thinking about what is best for you. He knows where you live and your phone number. If he wants to get in touch let him make the effort.

[niji]

I know it's just social media and nothing is permanent.

 

What are your thoughts on blocking an ex after a break up?

 

Do whatever it takes for the both of you to move forward. If you both are active on those media, then yes, it's helpful to not see their face.

I was still friends with my ex on FB. The reason for that is neither one of us is active on it, so it doesn't matter (his new GF at the time - now wife - was tagging him in their pics, so I was able to see activities, but as I was the one breaking up, it didn't really affect me moving on). We were old schooled and stuck to emailing as the primary form of contact. I cut that off (no blocking, just no replying).

 

It's "just" social media, but if it's the primary form of communication, cut it off. Unless you don't want to move on. There's nothing vindictive or immature/weak about blocking an ex on social media. You do what it takes to be happy again, because you're the only one who truly cares about your happiness, honestly.

[Zahara]

1. I don't want him to think I am immature or weak and can't handle the break up.

 

There's nothing immature or weak about wanting self-preservation. It's the most healthiest thing you can do. This is the time you need to prioritize your mental and emotional health rather than worry about how someone who dumped you perceives you.

 

2.I don't want to come off as vindictive

 

It's not about being vindictive. It's about taking the right steps to remove him from your life as he has but you're doing it to help you move on.

 

3. I don't want to cut off that connection to him.

 

This is mostly why you are having problems blocking. You still have hope and you're afraid of blocking being finality.

[lemonade041289]

Out of the blue break up hurts so much.

 

I lived with my ex for 3 years. One ordinary Friday, I wanted to treat him a steak & wine dinner. On the way back from the meat shop, we passed by our broken mailbox. He said "We should really get that fixed! I will contact our landlord." Then while cooking, we discussed about our three upcoming vacations. During dinner, we kissed and touched each other. After we finished dining, he told me to come over to the sofa because he needed to tell me something.

 

Then he said "I want to break up with you."

 

Since then, I analysed and analysed what makes a person do such thing. I realised a few things.

 

- He conned you until he pull the trigger. He is not an honest person.

- He is 100% responsible for the heartache you and (sort of) he is going through but he's trying to share the burden. He is not an honest person.

- He doesn't know what he wants. He is not honest with his feelings. He is not an honest person.

 

He is not an honest person.

 

You sound like beautiful and smart young woman. He probably felt confused because he knew if he leaves you, he won't find another you. But his greed won. His tears were from his sorry heart for himself. But here's the good news. You want someone honest with you. He wasn't. So in this case, the loss is a gain because you could have been fooled longer and harder.

[ashbash88]

I never thought I'd make it 23 days no contact. Even though right after the break up I said all I needed to say I am still surprised and proud that I haven't felt the need of reaching out to him again. (I know 23 days isn't that long but it feels like it for me) There have been days where I feel a moment of sadness or anxiousness but I think that day by day I am healing slowly.