struggle_isreal Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 Situation: Was dating girl for 3 months, casual at first, potentially getting more serious, but I was scared about committing, so didn't communicate that I cared for her. Despite us having an amazing connection, because of this she made assumptions that I didn't care (she told me only after breaking up). She split up with me, got back with her ex. Its 3 months later and they split up, definitely for good this time. She got in contact with me 3 weeks ago, we've messaged few times. I had basically given up on her by now. But I honestly do want her. She's the one (at least up to this point in my life, and I'm 27). I've had (too much) time to realise how I feel about her. And regret not committing to her. She seems open to meeting up, but she says only as friends. She seems like she's made up her mind, basically 'we tried it before and it didn't work out'. But the reason it didn't work out is because I made a mistake by not communicating properly that I cared about her, and she made a mistake by bailing without talking about how we felt. I've changed, I've realised my mistakes and want to be the person she needed. But, she's understandably basing her opinion of the situation on the fact it went wrong last time. What I'd like is to be able to talk about it, and get her to at least have an open mind - to make a decision based on how things are now. But sometimes people have their minds set before even talking about it. If she genuinely listened and saw the situation as it was, and still didn't want a relationship, it would hurt, but at least it would be real. Any advice about communicating in a way she'll actually consider and not just shut down? Advice about the situation in general? Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 "Scared of committing" basically means one of two things, either, 1. You want to be free to pursue other people, or 2. You don't want to commit to THAT person. It rarely means "Oh, I just wasn't sure about my feelings for you". The only thing you can do is be honest with her and hope she gives you a second chance, but, early warning, usually when a female says she just wants to be friends, she means she's just wants to be friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 "Scared of committing" basically means one of two things, either, 1. You want to be free to pursue other people, or 2. You don't want to commit to THAT person. It rarely means "Oh, I just wasn't sure about my feelings for you". The only thing you can do is be honest with her and hope she gives you a second chance, but, early warning, usually when a female says she just wants to be friends, she means she's just wants to be friends. I agree. Plus she just dumped her ex who she had given a second chance so there's a possibility she's realized the truth: if it doesn't work the first time, it's probably never going to work. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to take a shot with her, but why do you want to be with her now? Did you have this sudden change of heart after she had left? Is it possible you just miss having her around? That maybe if you do get back with her, you still won't want to commit? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sharkbite0 Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 want to know the truth? from man to man....I think this would be easy to get back with her. Hangout a few times and don't make any advances for a couple of "hangouts". Don't bring it up, don't push physically at all.....just play it calm and cool. It will drive her crazy (because she expects you to want her back and to make moves) ....after a few dates give her tiny bits mixed with some jokes about the past and how she was. Prove you aren't desperate (even if you are) and I'm sure she will be aching to see what will come of you two. That is the game, if you want to play it.....but beware....it is dangerous and can be unfulfilling in the end. The second route you take is....explain to her that you don't want to be just friends and that you don't see her like that. Bottom line , you have feelings for her. Don't ask her to commit, don't confess that you love her and need her. Just play it cool, tell her that you care about her more than a friend. Then just back off.....if she wants to take the bait, she will contact you. Don't go on and on texting with her, that will just show her that you are needy and that she can have her cake and eat it too (who doesn't love knowing someone from their past is obsessed with them?) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 (edited) Well, the next time you and her have problems she might bail and go with another man. She's done it already, are you sure thats the woman for you? What do you mean by didn't show you care? Where you treating her well? Understandable that you didn't commit at three months, you were just getting to know each other. But its important to care without attachment, or expectations so to speak and do so out of wisdom but not fear. It sounds like you have emotional feelings for her, but she's dictating the terms of the meeting. If those terms don't suit you, then tell her you're not interested in being friends and to let you know if she changes her mind. Followed by total NC. Meeting up for breadcrumbs, hoping for a way to convince her that you're her man will just make you look tense and desperate right from the start of the meeting. Be better to go NC, have fun with other girls and then meet later on, relaxed and coming from a place of abundance instead of scarcity(ie feeling she's the only woman for you). Edited October 18, 2016 by fromheart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author struggle_isreal Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 I agree. Plus she just dumped her ex who she had given a second chance so there's a possibility she's realized the truth: if it doesn't work the first time, it's probably never going to work. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to take a shot with her, but why do you want to be with her now? Did you have this sudden change of heart after she had left? Is it possible you just miss having her around? That maybe if you do get back with her, you still won't want to commit? I'm afraid that's what her thinking probably is. It's just frustrating when someone plays it safe by assuming the worst. I wanted her to begin with, but I take a long time to be sure about how I feel. I hate the thought of hurting someone by committing and changing my mind - so I don't commit fully til I'm 100% sure. I think I was finally getting to that stage when it ended suddenly. If I hadn't been so worried about what could go wrong, and hurting her, we probably both would have been a lot happier, ironically. I will try to do as some have suggested, and meet her as a friend a few times, and feel things out. And hope being together stirs up some feelings for her. I don't want to come across needy, and scare her away by putting pressure on her if she's not ready. But I don't want to make the same mistake as before and not let her know I care. I don't want to have to play the game where you act like you're not as interested as you are, because that's kind of what messed it up the first time, and it's a really unsatisfying game to play. But if I have to play that game, I will. I guess if push comes to shove, I'll just have to lay my cards on the table, be vulnerable and hope for the best. (I'm picturing Holden's car speech in Chasing Amy - if anyone's seen it. Maybe that only works in films) Thanks for all replies so far. Any further input is appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Just being her friend when you clearly want more, is just going to push her away. She'll feel you're being weak and needy. Tell her the truth, you're interested in her romantically and not as a friend. Walk away and mean it if she doesn't feel the same way. Don't refer to hollywood as a guide for relationships, you'll only get nonsense and BS. Above all, check in with yourself whether you want a woman who bails at the 3 month point and gos back to her ex. Link to post Share on other sites
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