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Picking up personal belongings - how/when?


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So, tomorrow will be two weeks since our argument and last time spoken. Without rehashing everything for those who haven't read, a few days before our 1 yr we got into an argument (our first), I mistakenly thought he broke up with me and said I'd pick up my stuff, he didn't break up with me but then said I broke up with him and he refused to talk to me ever since.

 

So anyway, that being out of the way, I have personal items, small and large, at his home. I am between the options because I see the pros/cons of both:

 

Pick up things as soon as possible: I don't like the feeling of it hanging over my head that these are still here, so I really want to get this over with. I know I will be sad afterwards. If I can get them this weekend, my children are with XH, I can lay around and feel sorry for myself without anyone around. :laugh: Downside is, I am still heartbroken and emotional, and I don't want to cry when I am there.

 

Pick up things later on when I am more detached: This may be easier for me, although as I said above I still think about this door being open. Maybe if I give it time before I go, we can even have a rational conversation like two adults understanding what happened and saying goodbye (I know, unlikely). However, I am afraid I run the risk of making progress and then going back to square one down the road if I delay this.

 

Have him leave the items in the driveway: Someone mentioned this before, and I initially felt heartbroken by the thought, but it might not be a bad idea. One item is rather large and I need help loading it, but I could possibly find someone else to help me. I feel kind of weird suggesting this to him - it seems immature that it comes down to this, but it is immature that he's refused to talk to me so maybe he'd appreciate this. Hard to say.

 

Or, feel free to suggest something I didn't consider.

 

Of course, there is the irony to consider that this entire breakup started over my comment about picking up my stuff, and here I am figuring out how and when to pick up my stuff. Once decided, I am nervous about what to say in the text sent to initiate this request. I don't think he will be a jerk about it, although I would have never in a million years guessed he would have behaved this way two weeks ago either.

 

Thanks for your input.

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Get it done asap. Take a friend and just do it.

 

Its like ripping off a plaster. The slower you are about it the worse it is. Just rip it off and get all the pain over and done with in one go.

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Get it over and done with as soon as you can.

 

Have him leave the items in the driveway. The least amount of interaction, the best. Take a friend with you for help/support.

 

Make sure you also gather all his belongings, if you have them in your home and leave them for him so that "stuff" doesn't at some point become an excuse to break contact.

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Thank you both ... I agree that is what I feel is best too, though it sucks. I do have his stuff together to drop off.

 

Considering that this is what triggered our entire fight and we've not spoken at all, I feel awkward with approaching him about it. And, as ridiculous as it sounds after how he's hurt me, I don't want to cause him any hurt. Any suggestions on what to say? Do I text him an itemized list (if he is going to leave it in the driveway)? It feels awkward ... I've never been on not speaking terms with someone.

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Thank you both ... I agree that is what I feel is best too, though it sucks. I do have his stuff together to drop off.

 

Considering that this is what triggered our entire fight and we've not spoken at all, I feel awkward with approaching him about it. And, as ridiculous as it sounds after how he's hurt me, I don't want to cause him any hurt. Any suggestions on what to say? Do I text him an itemized list (if he is going to leave it in the driveway)? It feels awkward ... I've never been on not speaking terms with someone.

 

Let me ask you this -- are these items of value to you and do you absolutely need them? I would hate for you to have to go through another round of unnecessary pain over "stuff".

 

Just let him know that you would like to pick up your belongings. List them down. Give him a few options in terms of days/times where you will then pick them up from his driveway. Absolutely no talk about the relationship, feelings, why, how, when, etc. Only about stuff.

 

Break-ups are awkward. There is no way around it but to face it. Been there and done that and the sooner you get done with it, the easier you breathe.

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There's no reason to leave it in the driveway. You're not 12 (although he seems to be acting like he is!).

 

Just tell him to have all your stuff in a box ready for collection at 3pm on Saturday or whatever. Put all his stuff in a box too. Then knock on his door, hand over his box, collect yours, and go home. Bring a friend to help lift your large item. Don't go in for coffee, a chat, etc. Just swap boxes and leave. If there's any particularly special items which he might "forget", then you can itemise, but the general stuff I wouldn't bother.

 

Make sure you exchange ALL stuff so that this is over once and for all.

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Thank you both ... I agree that is what I feel is best too, though it sucks. I do have his stuff together to drop off.

 

Considering that this is what triggered our entire fight and we've not spoken at all, I feel awkward with approaching him about it. And, as ridiculous as it sounds after how he's hurt me, I don't want to cause him any hurt. Any suggestions on what to say? Do I text him an itemized list (if he is going to leave it in the driveway)? It feels awkward ... I've never been on not speaking terms with someone.

 

I understand how you feel. I had to do similar a couple of months ago. Found out to day that he was cheating on me while we were together.

 

So my advice is grow a pair of boobs and get it done. I can not tell you how glad I am that I did.

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OP, if you can't stomach face time with him, then have him leave your things in the driveway. The least amount of interaction seeing how emotional you are, the better. It has nothing to do with being 12 but everything to do with protecting yourself from any more hurt. Seeing that you are already so vulnerable, I'd caution you against having to engage face to face with him, just incase a straightforward exchange doesn't turn out the way you expect it to.

 

I think it's easy for those looking from the outside in to view it as a simple exchange but when you are feeling emotionally weak, it's a different story.

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Let me ask you this -- are these items of value to you and do you absolutely need them? I would hate for you to have to go through another round of unnecessary pain over "stuff".

 

Just let him know that you would like to pick up your belongings. List them down. Give him a few options in terms of days/times where you will then pick them up from his driveway. Absolutely no talk about the relationship, feelings, why, how, when, etc. Only about stuff.

 

Break-ups are awkward. There is no way around it but to face it. Been there and done that and the sooner you get done with it, the easier you breathe.

 

Yes - one is an expensive kayak in his garage, and all the accessories/gear in his house. The rest of the personal stuff would be inexpensive to replace otherwise I wouldn't bother.

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There's no reason to leave it in the driveway. You're not 12 (although he seems to be acting like he is!).

 

Just tell him to have all your stuff in a box ready for collection at 3pm on Saturday or whatever. Put all his stuff in a box too. Then knock on his door, hand over his box, collect yours, and go home. Bring a friend to help lift your large item. Don't go in for coffee, a chat, etc. Just swap boxes and leave. If there's any particularly special items which he might "forget", then you can itemise, but the general stuff I wouldn't bother.

 

Make sure you exchange ALL stuff so that this is over once and for all.

 

Pete, he IS acting 12. His refusal to communicate has made this even more uncomfortable than it needs to be, which is why it makes me anxious to think about. OTOH, I suppose it makes it easier to disconnect and move on ...

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Newheart he is being pathetic so go and get your things, return his and get it over with.

 

Rip off that plaster and get on with it.

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Yes - one is an expensive kayak in his garage, and all the accessories/gear in his house. The rest of the personal stuff would be inexpensive to replace otherwise I wouldn't bother.

 

I understand. Make a list of all the things you wish to retrieve. Often you hear people saying that they forgot to ask for this and that, accidentally left an heirloom -- so make sure you are thorough in what you absolutely need and want back.

 

And make sure you are thorough with his stuff as well.

 

I know your anxiety is going to be off the charts so take a friend to help you get through this.

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The last time I had a relationship end, we exchanged things the next day. I wanted it over with ASAP so I could cut all contact and move on w/my life. She was kind enough to open her garage door where she placed my items in her garage. I picked them up, dropped hers inside the garage and was on my way. Clean and simple.

 

Get er done, cut all contact, heal, and move on to someone else.

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Well, I am still working on this, but it's gotten worse. I sent a text Thursday (just a simple, Hi, I'd like to get my things, let me know what works for you) and it blew up. Come to find out - the same day, my son (almost 20 yo) sent him a FB message just two hours before telling him that I care deeply for him, that he understands why XBF would be mad but hopes we talk (this is all I know of). XBF told me, said not to be mad at him because he obviously did it because he cares about me, said neither of us (son nor I) have anything to be sorry for. (Still not entirely sure what message stated, but in discussion with son, THAT will never happen again)

 

Again, just more of a **** show. It went downhill from there - fought via text because he asked if I really needed the stuff this weekend, and I said I didn't need it but wanted it, he could leave it in garage, he didn't respond so I asked him if he was going to leave it or not, or if he'd be home to help me load kayak and if nothing else, have a respectful goodbye. That sent him over the edge. I know, I know, I know ... I should have left it alone and just asked him to leave it in the garage. I've never been through a breakup where people acted like they hated eachother over nothing. Then, he accused me of being demanding and chastising him for being busy, he said that when he told me he wasn't against talking but was busy I "tried to come over three times" but that NEVER HAPPENED. My exact reply when he told me he wasn't against talking (and, btw, never said he was busy) was a text sent the next day that said "GM! I took that to mean you were open to a conversation, unless I misunderstood. Let me know if you want me to stop by or call, which day and time is good for you." I left everything up to him, he never replied, and I never ever contacted him again until I asked to come get my things! This is completely bizarre. He then said "I've been through this before and it is frightening." What!? If he has been through this insanity before, he needs to start looking at the common denominator here because I have never experienced such a childish and bizarre situation in my life.

 

I don't even know who this person is anymore. I feel like he has accused me of being something I am not, but in that, has driven me to almost support his accusation. I've been NC, but when he accused me of "trying to come over 3 times" I lost it. WTF is he talking about?

 

I don't get it. We didn't have a terrible relationship, neither of us (that I am aware of?) betrayed each other. For whatever reason that I don't even know, it didn't work out. Once that was clear, I went NC. I haven't asked him to see or speak to me, but now I ask for my things and I am demanding and chastising him and this is frightening? I swear, the way he reacted during the initial argument is like he has some sort of PTSD and a light switch went off on him. And though I should be mad and not put up with someone so disrespectful and uncaring, I feel bad for him and I am worried about him. (ugh, and I might have told him such) I can't shut off that I am concerned about his bizarre behavior.

 

Anyway, back to NC since the Friday debacle but I need my stuff, I just need it to make a clean break and move on. I am still heartbroken, but this weirdness that I cannot explain has shed some light as to some issues he may have that are unrelated to me. I just need to get past this ... I spend hours trying to figure out what happened to him, what he means, why he has twisted every single thing that has happened. It is still contributing to my inability to focus on work, and I know I need to shift my thinking to understand that I am NEVER going to understand him, it doesn't make sense. It only gets worse with each contact, so I need to get my stuff.

 

Going to send a list tonight and just ask him to leave it in the driveway on whatever day he chooses (can't be demanding!). I don't know how else to proceed.

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I think at some point, you forget about your stuff. It's not worth the mental anguish. It would be one thing if you were dealing with an adult. But you're dealing with a petulant, passive aggressive child.

 

I'm not even sure why you're still hoping for a nice goodbye when he's been an absolute jerk and requesting his help to load up?

 

He's probably going to hold your stuff hostage to keep the drama going because you absolutely cannot be in control -- he needs to call the shots and in some way use that to punish you.

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the man you knew is gone, he left for crazy town.

 

i hope you don't go there alone and i hope you don't go there when he is there.

 

can you just write this "stuff" off?

 

he seems irrational.

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I think at some point, you forget about your stuff. It's not worth the mental anguish. It would be one thing if you were dealing with an adult. But you're dealing with a petulant, passive aggressive child.

 

I'm not even sure why you're still hoping for a nice goodbye when he's been an absolute jerk and requesting his help to load up?

 

He's probably going to hold your stuff hostage to keep the drama going because you absolutely cannot be in control -- he needs to call the shots and in some way use that to punish you.

 

I'm not hoping for a goodbye any longer ... I guess last week after I came to terms that I'd never get to just say how I felt, at least I'd get to say goodbye, to make sure he was okay and not hurt, amicably, because our relationship wasn't a bad one. That all went down the drain now.

 

I think you are exactly right about the stuff ... personally I don't think he likes that I no longer am asking to talk to him, but who knows. I think he is punishing me for my "availability" and everything being on my terms, by making all the shots now. (or thinking he is) But, I find it all rather sad.

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the man you knew is gone, he left for crazy town.

 

i hope you don't go there alone and i hope you don't go there when he is there.

 

can you just write this "stuff" off?

 

he seems irrational.

 

It's an expensive kayak and kayaking gear, so I really don't want to just leave it.

 

I do feel better that some of you think something is off here ... after a while, I start to wonder if I am the crazy one, but nothing he says makes sense.

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Since you want your stuff but don't need it urgently, let it go for a bit. I'd contact him in a couple of weeks and reiterate your request that he put the things in the driveway. Don't ask for his help. Get a friend to help you.

 

Do not contact him otherwise. He may contact you. If so, don't respond right away unless it is in regards to your stuff. Keep it to the barest minimum responses.

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I'm not hoping for a goodbye any longer ... I guess last week after I came to terms that I'd never get to just say how I felt, at least I'd get to say goodbye, to make sure he was okay and not hurt, amicably, because our relationship wasn't a bad one. That all went down the drain now.

 

I think you are exactly right about the stuff ... personally I don't think he likes that I no longer am asking to talk to him, but who knows. I think he is punishing me for my "availability" and everything being on my terms, by making all the shots now. (or thinking he is) But, I find it all rather sad.

 

I know you are sad but this is actually a good eye-opener for you and a blessing. It's hard to see it for what it is because you're hurting but it is good that you're now seeing him for who he truly is.

 

I think at some point you let go of your stuff. Don't wait too long because you don't want this interfering with you moving on. It's going to keep digging at the wound. Yes, the kayak is expensive, but your emotional and mental health is priceless.

 

When I divorced, I took nothing. All I wanted was my sanity. It's well worth it.

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20 year old son, AKA "kayak pickup service"?

 

He and a couple of his buddies can get the job done just by waiting at the house after work.

 

drama, miscommunication, anger.... it's all a preview of how difficult times are handled

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20 year old son, AKA "kayak pickup service"?

 

He and a couple of his buddies can get the job done just by waiting at the house after work.

 

drama, miscommunication, anger.... it's all a preview of how difficult times are handled

 

True, but I really didn't want to put my son in the middle of it, anymore than he has already put himself in the middle at least!

 

The whole thing is just so bizarre.

 

I sent him the list last night, told him to leave it in the driveway and let me know when I can swing by and pick it up. This is crazy that it has been reduced to this, as if we had some terrible abusive relationship or something, but it is what it is at this point. Anyway, I am hoping this works. If not, maybe I give up.

 

Will keep everyone updated. Thanks for your support!

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20 year old son, AKA "kayak pickup service"?

 

He and a couple of his buddies can get the job done just by waiting at the house after work.

 

drama, miscommunication, anger.... it's all a preview of how difficult times are handled

 

This is your solution right here. You have a 20 year old son? Have him pick up the kayak and everything else. You don't need to see your ex again. Problem solved.

 

Your son has already communicated with him so it wouldn't be uncomfortable for him or your ex. When you were going to pick up the things why were you going alone instead of taking a friend to help you lift the kayak?

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Sadly, it's kind of the norm anymore when folks split up, one or the other simply becomes nasty. Who knows why and at this point with him, it's a waste of energy to figure it out.

 

I have to gently say that I think you were hoping to see him when you picked up your items. When you finally connected, it went directly back into the drama of this now failed R/S. All that crap and drama needs to stay in the past. It would have been better had you not gone down the road and kept it professional and business like and ONLY discussed collecting your things in your communication.

 

My thoughts are you need to stop contacting him, period. Your son already inserted himself in this. So why not simply have him and one of his friends just stop by his house when he's likely to be home. Knock on the door, and collect your things.

 

If he refuses to release your items, do some research on your rights and the appropriate steps you can take. Again, I'd have no further contact with him at all. Let your son or family help you collect your items. Don't let him keep them and use them as a tactic to be an ahole. He'll give them to your son.

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True, but I really didn't want to put my son in the middle of it, anymore than he has already put himself in the middle at least!

 

The whole thing is just so bizarre.

 

I sent him the list last night, told him to leave it in the driveway and let me know when I can swing by and pick it up. This is crazy that it has been reduced to this, as if we had some terrible abusive relationship or something, but it is what it is at this point. Anyway, I am hoping this works. If not, maybe I give up.

 

Will keep everyone updated. Thanks for your support!

 

I think you're making excuses. Your son is already involved. Having him pick up the stuff gets all this over and done with. It's just one final step. Get it over and done with.

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