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Emotional ex after a period of NC?


rosierose87

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Hi all,

 

I'm back in touch with ex after a period of No Contact. We've been broken up for almost a month now. He initiated the break up after a huge argument between us and then later confessed he had gradually lost feelings for me over the course of our 2.5 year relationship. I was gutted and went straight into No Contact.

 

I was determined to move on and wasn't aiming to break NC, but this afternoon I logged onto Steam in the first time since the break up and he messaged me saying, 'Hi, how have you been? I haven't heard from you in ages and I've been worried.' I told him I hadn't been in touch because I needed space after the break up and he understood. We had some back and forth for a few minutes and then he said, 'I was quite sad the other day, well, more than quite sad, because I didn't know if you were ever going to speak to me again.' Then he went on to say something happened in a game we played together that reminded him of me and that it made him very emotional, that he knew it was silly, but something about it struck a chord with him.

 

I simply said we had many great memories together which I'll never forget either and then said I had to go and we both said our goodbyes.

 

I'm posting this because I'm curious... I'm surprised that he even feels that considering he apparently no longer loves me, but I'm even more surprised why he opened up to me about it in the first place. What do you guys think? And where do I proceed from here? I had accepted the break up and was moving on. Thank you in advance for any guidance.

Edited by rosierose87
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If he hasn't been successful hooking up with anyone, he'll be after a slice of pie.

 

If he can booty call you, and he'll say anything to get there, good chance he'll cum and go, hit and run.

 

You'll be left feeling worse than you did before he messaged you.

 

If you are after a second chance [and he's an ex for a good reason] be very careful. State your business clearly, be measured, set time-scales and don't go to bed with him.

 

Unless you just want to booty call him... it's a murky game that could end in tears.

 

Block him and move on.

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If he hasn't been successful hooking up with anyone, he'll be after a slice of pie.

 

If he can booty call you, and he'll say anything to get there, good chance he'll cum and go, hit and run.

 

You'll be left feeling worse than you did before he messaged you.

 

If you are after a second chance [and he's an ex for a good reason] be very careful. State your business clearly, be measured, set time-scales and don't go to bed with him.

 

Unless you just want to booty call him... it's a murky game that could end in tears.

 

Block him and move on.

 

Haha this made me laugh because my ex is the prudest man I've ever known.

He'd put me right in my place if I asked to be FWB ;)

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When your ex split up with you it was a considered decision, he had fallen out of love for a while and the argument was just the trigger that allowed him to go ahead and make the split.

It therefore means that although sad (most break ups are sad to some extent), he probably doesn't really want to repeat the experience and get back into a relationship with you.

We all can get maudlin and nostalgic sometimes over past relationships even the worst ones, but it doesn't mean we want to get back with that person and I think that is what he is expressing here, as well as trying to make himself appear better in your eyes.

"I am not the cold, unfeeling person you may think I am, for breaking up with you."

 

Dumpers often want to stay in contact as they are not really emotionally involved to any great extent, which is not the same for the dumpee, hence why it is better as a dumpee to remain in NC until all that emotional involvement is just a memory.

 

NO doubt he is now going "It was nice to catch up with Rosie, good we can stay friends" and "Phew! Thank God, I haven't actually ruined her life", whereas you are now going "Does this mean he wants to get back with me?"

 

Nowty is correct too, research shows many men want to stay in contact with exes for continued sexual access.

So whilst he may be a prude, he may also not be averse to some "break up" sex with you, especially if his new dating life has not perhaps going as well as he had hoped. Sad, but true.

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When your ex split up with you it was a considered decision, he had fallen out of love for a while and the argument was just the trigger that allowed him to go ahead and make the split.

It therefore means that although sad (most break ups are sad to some extent), he probably doesn't really want to repeat the experience and get back into a relationship with you.

We all can get maudlin and nostalgic sometimes over past relationships even the worst ones, but it doesn't mean we want to get back with that person and I think that is what he is expressing here, as well as trying to make himself appear better in your eyes.

"I am not the cold, unfeeling person you may think I am, for breaking up with you."

 

Dumpers often want to stay in contact as they are not really emotionally involved to any great extent, which is not the same for the dumpee, hence why it is better as a dumpee to remain in NC until all that emotional involvement is just a memory.

 

NO doubt he is now going "It was nice to catch up with Rosie, good we can stay friends" and "Phew! Thank God, I haven't actually ruined her life", whereas you are now going "Does this mean he wants to get back with me?"

 

Nowty is correct too, research shows many men want to stay in contact with exes for continued sexual access.

So whilst he may be a prude, he may also not be averse to some "break up" sex with you, especially if his new dating life has not perhaps going as well as he had hoped. Sad, but true.

 

Thank you for your response Elaine. :)

 

You've really put things into perspective here and probably hit the nail on the head about what he is thinking.

 

I'm slightly confused about a text he sent me last night, however. He said, 'Can you do me a favour btw? Whoever you end up with next or are with already, please make sure they're good to you. Don't accept some d*** who is going to walk all over you. You deserve the best and self respect is very important. Anyway rant over.'

 

:confused:

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I'm slightly confused about a text he sent me last night, however. He said, 'Can you do me a favour btw? Whoever you end up with next or are with already, please make sure they're good to you. Don't accept some d*** who is going to walk all over you. You deserve the best and self respect is very important. Anyway rant over.'

 

:confused:

 

He's telling you to move on and he's wishing you well.

 

Dumpers go through their own feelings of sadness and loss but it doesn't mean that when they revisit you, they're looking to rekindle. Most times it's in hopes of filling some void that they have, maybe loss of familiarity or even to alleviate a sense of guilt. And yes, sometimes it's about sex.

 

Accept his wishes and move on. You can't be friends with him but maybe in time when you have detached emotionally.

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After a period of No Contact my ex who broke up with me got back in touch. This was several days ago. I wrote a post about it here. Basically he was hinting that he had missed me a lot during No Contact and also started getting protective over me dating anybody.

 

He has been initiating contact with me every day since: asking if I'm okay, sending me memes and gifs, links to youtube videos and articles etc. The conversations have often been quite lengthy but he's often been quiet for a few hours too. He always apologises for being quiet and for any slow-ish replies, and I just tell him not to worry.

 

I'm going to make my reasons for this post and intentions clear - I still have feelings for him and would like to try again. However, I'm not going to put any pressure on him or talk about the break up. We're getting along as friends very well and don't want to lose him from my life whatever happens. Today I asked him if he wanted to meet up for coffee. He said yes and asked if tomorrow was okay.

 

So based on this, do you guys think there is potential here for reconciliation? Also do you have any advice for our coffee meet up tomorrow? :)

 

Thank you in advance!!

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Based on your past post, I have to agree with the other posters. If he fell out of love with you then there's really no hope for a true reconciliation. What happened is that you changed your behavior and now he's not used to you not being around all the time. It doesn't mean he suddenly started liking you again.

 

Just because a guy doesn't want you talking to other men doesn't mean he wants you. He just doesn't want anyone to have you. So best case scenario, he decides he's ready to get back together not because he really likes you but because he doesn't want anyone else to have you. Then after a short period of time he'll remember why he ended it in the first place and end it again.

 

Something similar happened to me when me and my ex broke up. It was a little different because we broke up because he was cheating. He wasn't used to me not being around so he's bad for me back and promised he was going to change and do all of these things. He was even talking about a ring and marriage and children and the whole nine. A week of us being back together and he was back to the same person he was. Except this time he was distant and didn't really seem to give a crap what I thought about him because he never really wanted to be with me. He just didn't want me to move on and be happy with someone else.

 

So I ended that and actually went no-contact. He contacted me every couple of months for a year begging and asking me to talk to him and saying he wanted to be a part of my life and blah blah blah blah blah. And usually they only want you back when their own dating life is stagnant or they're going through a hard time and they want you to take care of them like you used to.

 

I think you should try doing no contact properly and blocking him so that you're not tempted to respond to him. Right now you're still reeling from the breakup but if you took 3 months for yourself and saw what life is like without him, you might realize you don't even want him. He basically tossed you to the side because he didn't want you anymore so why go back for more? Do you believe that he would not do this to you again?

 

If you're dead set on doing it though, I guess the best way to go about it would be to wait and see what happens. Although you are really offering yourself up to him quite easily. You got him talking to you again by ignoring him so now that he realizes you're still on the chain, he will probably start to back down. It's basically a game of cat-and-mouse and now that he's caught you, the game is over.

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He was the one who ended things. We broke up just over a month ago and he's been initiating online conversations everyday. He says 'I hope you're okay' in every conversation and is always very apologetic when he takes a while to respond.

 

A few people have said he just feels guilty about dumping me. It's true that I was upset about the break up at first, but that eventually passed. Since then I've always been positive and friendly to him and told him I'm doing fine, so there is no need for him to feel guilty. He seem happy/relieved when I tell him this and says I'm incredible. However, me explaining that I'm fine still doesn't stop him saying "I hope you're okay" all the time.

 

Since the break up, I've only initiated once. When I did, he thanked me for saying hi and said it meant a lot to him, and told me to please stay awesome and amazing. I'm simply wondering what could be on his mind. I don't wish to ask him as I don't want to be confrontational or make him assume I want him back.

 

P.S. We were in a 3 year relationship and known each other for 10 years, so please don't tell me to block him. :) I'm not hurting and don't wish to remove an important person from my life. Just because he was the dumper doesn't mean he is a bad person. It was my depression and anxiety that caused the strain on our relationship and I hold no resentments towards him.

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It was my depression and anxiety that caused the strain on our relationship and I hold no resentments towards him.

 

He may just be worried that the break up may have tipped you over the edge, i.e. made your mental illness worse, or even made you suicidal. So he feels obliged to check up on you.

I think the clue may be in him constantly saying "I hope you're okay".

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Is it possible you are in denial?

 

 

The truth is in time, there will be no contact at all. That's the harsh reality. Once he feels enough time has passed, he will stop contacting.

 

 

Although, its admirable taking the breakup as you have, I don't think anyone should ever be alright with being dumped. Even if you feel deep down, it was due to your issues, he could have stayed but he chose to leave.

 

 

By all means own your part, but by doing what your doing at the moment, you are basically sending a message that its totally fine he dumped you. And no, that is not fine. People do have the right to leave but that doesn't mean the dumpee goes out of their to state how fine they are with the breakup.

 

 

Will you be fine if in a few weeks you find out he is with someone else?

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  • 2 weeks later...
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We're both 27. He broke up with me 6 weeks ago and I was completely blindsided. We had been together 3 years and we were so in love. He was telling me how much he loved me only days before the break up so it came as a huge shock.

 

Last night he finally told me that he has feelings for another guy and has really been struggling to come to terms with it himself. We both met this guy last year on an MMO and he became friends of both of us, but was always closer to my ex. My ex told me he always thought of him as a little brother because he's so much younger than him (9 years). I knew this guy was gay but I never once was concerned about his relationship with my ex because I never suspected my ex being into guys. My ex had 3 long term relationships with women before me.

 

He clearly feels incredibly guilty about it. He's said I mean everything to him, that he loves me and wants me to be his closest friend. He is my best friend and I would love to always have him in my life, but this is so so so difficult. I just cannot get my head around it. I never once suspected him of being into guys. Our sex life was amazing and he loved being intimate with me.

 

One thing that stuck out to me last night that my ex mentioned was that he is not a sexual person, and he's realised its the emotional bond that makes him want to be close to someone, not the gender.

 

Please help me guys. I haven't been able to sleep. This is so hard and such a shock.

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You just have to power thru it like everyone else who's ever been down this road. The details vary but in the end it's all still heartache.

 

((hugs)) :)

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That is indeed painful and shocking, no way around that. I'm not even sure what would help you now. Here are a few thoughts and facts that may provide some slight comfort over time:

 

  • You are not alone.....many people including on LS have endured this
  • Your r/s is probably over but there will be someone for you in the future
  • Your BF almost certainly didn't want to hurt you
  • Your BF probably can't help what he is feeling
  • Your BF has been honest with you and that means you can move forward based on facts

 

As I type this list, I realize it's mostly cold comfort. It's inevitable that the shattering of a 3 year joyous r/s is going to be very painful. The pain has to be faced and lived through. I expect the first 6-8 weeks will be the hardest and then you can expect the pain to start dulling (as long as you avoid picking at it). Hugs.

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Read up about no contact.

 

I think you also need to accept that people are who they are and your boyfriend has clearly always been either gay or bisexual.

 

I used to work with a guy years ago and the others used to tease him about being gay. Not because he was gay but because he always said he wasn't.

 

He is now engaged and very happy with his boyfriend... Simple truth is that he didn't feel he could be gay and just himself because he thought others would judge him for it.

 

After all these years he has finally realised they were not judging him for being gay... They were judging him because he was hiding who he is, the only person not accepting him as he was was himself...

 

I know it is difficult and feels like the rug has been pulled out from under your feet but the only thing you can do is stay away until you have healed.

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:( That sounds devastating I'm sorry. So many men refuse to come to term with being gay, this could have happened years later down the road after possibly marriage and kids. It's better to know now.
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  • 4 weeks later...
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My ex sent me an emotional breadcrumb last Friday. He said he was really really missing me, wanted to cry for upsetting me and was so sorry if he had made my life difficult. I broke NC on that day because I didn't want him to pity me. I want him to remember me as a strong woman so I responded saying my life isn't his responsibility, isn't difficult for me, and wished him happiness. (In reality I'm struggling a lot and an emotional mess but I don't want him to know that).

 

He sent me another breadcrumb today: "Sorry if it's annoying and I understand you can't reply but I wanted to wish you a wonderful week and hope everything is going as wonderful for you as you truly deserve."

 

I just don't get it. Why do they send them? He even said he understands I can't reply. (He knows I'm doing NC...) I'm confused by dumpers when they send these breadcrumbs, especially when they do it as often as every few days. They should be busy with their rebounds, not texting us.

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Relieving their guilt, recasting themselves as having behaved well, curiosity, jealousy, keeping the flame alive for future restart, lack of impulse control, boredom, maybe even some slight caring are all possibilities in various cases.

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If you keep ignoring him he will likely go crazy and try and get back with you. It's what men do when we don't get what we want.

But you don't want him back. He sounds pathetic. And he's completely selfish using you now because he is hurting

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Sounds like he's enjoying the power he's clearly exerting over you.

 

I'm not sure I understand what power he has.

 

I requested NC and he's been the one consistently breaking it every few days. And the one time I did respond I was very nonchalant.

 

I'm not planning on breaking NC from this point on as I've said everything I need to.

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I'm not sure I understand what power he has.

 

I requested NC and he's been the one consistently breaking it every few days. And the one time I did respond I was very nonchalant.

 

I'm not planning on breaking NC from this point on as I've said everything I need to.

 

Well, you admitted you're struggling a lot and you're a mess. This, coupled with your post asking about it in obvious despair means he has tremendous power, which is only natural.

 

I'm guessing he knows this or at least strongly suspects it and he's keeping you on an emotional leash for ego related reasons.

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Backstory: 3 year relationship. Broke up 2.5 months ago. We were committed and very much in love. Engagement/marriage/kids talk. Started a business together.

He left me because he started to feel distant to me and unexpectedly found himself growing closer to another guy and getting feelings for him. He's now come out as bi and is in a relationship with him.

 

My ex has desperately wanted to stay friends with me, saying he needs me in his life. However, it's way too hard. I'm still in love with him and told him that a friendship is not possible because of this. Then I decided to commit to NC. I told him I need time and space away from him so I can disconnect myself from him and hopes he understood. I've been in NIC for 23 days and NC for 15 days, but the breadcrumbs aren't stopping...

 

Day 4

Him: "Please have a fantastic week. I'm wishing you all the very best always. I want you to feel so so happy and I really hope your appointment which I believe you said was soon, goes really well. You deserve complete and utter perfection."

 

Day 8:

Him: "I know I shouldn't be saying this but I really really really miss you and I really hope you're doing okay. I'm just so so sorry if I've made anything hard for you or made anything in your life difficult. You deserve so much and the thought of my actions upsetting you honest to god makes me want to burst into tears."

 

Me: "Please don't feel that way. My life isn't your responsibility and it's not difficult for me. I'm confident my future holds great things. You have my blessing and I wish you all of the happiness you deserve."

 

Him: "I want the best for you always. So truly dearly and deeply."

 

Day 15:

Him: "Sorry if it's annoying and I understand you can't reply but I just wanted wish you a wonderful week and hope everything is going as wonderful for you as you truly deserve."

 

Day 23:

Him: "Sorry if I'm annoying you by texting you but I truly and really hope you're doing okay. I really miss our time together, talking to you and hanging out with you. Although I'm sure I'll message you before then I just really want to wish you a wonderful Christmas. You are and always will be an utterly incredible person to me."

 

----------------------------------

 

I haven't responded. I feel terrible about not responding so I'm posting this for some encouragement that I'm doing the right thing by not responding and sticking with NC. Thank you so much!!

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To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

 

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

 

—ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.”

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

I would also tell him to get stuffed.

 

 

Take care.

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