Lost. What do I do?

[BevGB]

I apologize for what is probably going to be a very long post. I also apologize if I have posted this in the wrong section. I want to thank everyone in advance for their time and advice. Any help on this is greatly appreciated.

 

Back in February my coworker Jake (43/m) and myself (35/f) admitted to having feelings for each other. We agreed to start seeing each other and take things slow and see if our feelings could grow into something. About an hour later he had to rush out of work to go to the hospital. His dad recently had heart surgery and had some kind of complication so he obviously took off to be with his family. Thankfully everything turned out to be ok but he spent the next week or so with his family. During this time we stayed in touch via text and talked about how happy we were to have found each other and started planning our first date as soon as things died down with his dad.

 

Less than a month later my dad died. Obviously I spent the next week or so with my family. Jake did everything he could to help me through my loss. He worked extra shifts so I could be with my family. He would text and call when he could just to see how me and my family were doing. Once I started to move on from my father's death we started planning our first date yet again. Finally about two weeks later (on Good Friday) we had our first date and it was AMAZING!! He was an incredible guy and I had never been so happy in my entire life and he really seemed happy too.

 

For the next month or so things were really good. We were texting or talking on facebook all day every day. After work we'd spend some time together outside and made out like teenagers. Sometimes I'd drop by on my day off to visit. We both just really seemed so happy. I couldn't believe the whole thing was real. Near the end of April he asked me for space. Since I've never been in a relationship or had ever really dated before I got scared but my friends told me to relax and give him space so I did.

 

After some time he came back around and eventually we went out on our second date. It was AMAZING!! He still an incredible guy and somehow I was happier than I was on the last date. And yet again he seemed really happy too.

 

And then his best friend died. He was devastated. And just like he did for me I did everything I could to be there for him during his loss. After some time I thought we had got past it and we started planning date three.

 

He ended up cancelling our third date because he said he need to get his oil changed in his car and get an inspection sticker. He said he knew it was a bad excuse and felt bad for making plans with me before getting his car done first. I was unhappy and disappointed and told him so but ultimately let it go since it was the first time he had ever cancelled on me for anything. He promised to make it up to me later.

 

But the make up date was a complete disaster. He was mentally and emotionally absent. When I asked him what was on his mind he claimed he was ok but clearly he wasn't. And then he started to just spew all this thoughts at me. It ranged from still being upset about losing his friend to possibly still having feelings for his ex. I spent our date holding him and trying to decide if it was best to end it with him. I even asked him at least five different times that day if he just wanted to break up with me and every time I asked he said no. Ultimately I sent him home early and spent the rest of the day in tears with my best friend. After talking with her I decided to give him some and another chance. Later that night he called me and apologized for everything. He said he should have stayed home but he was worried about letting me down again and decided to try to get through the day with me and just lost it once he got there. I asked him yet again if he wanted to end things and he said no and then asked me not to give up on him. I told him I wouldn't and when he was ready we would try again.

 

He asked me for space and time again recently and I have granted it. But even though he asked for space he still contacts me every day and keeps me in the loop of his life (He also did this the first time he asked for space). He hasn't asked out again. In fact all he ever seems to talk about is the election. He's always been a political guy but in the past few months he's become completely obsessed with the election. It seems ever since his friend died it has gotten worse. He never seems happy about anything anymore. He's always had a little temper but he's much quicker to anger now than normal. He always looks like he's on the verge of explosion.

 

I'm at a complete loss here. I don't know what wrong. I used to think it was me but he's made it very clear that it's not me. And then I thought maybe he wanted to break up with me and was using the space excuse to slowly fade away but I've given him plenty of chances to do it directly and he's a pretty straight forward guy so I think he would just break up with me if that's what he wanted. He still seems interested in me but clearly something is keeping him from moving forward with me. I don't know if it's because he's still depressed over his friend's passing or if he still loves his ex or if this election is just getting to him. I'm more than willing to give him any time and space he needs but I'm worried about him.

 

And I'm worried about myself. No matter what the problem is I know there is not a lot I can do except be there for him when he needs me. But I'm hurting and depression is taking over. I'm find it hard to get out of bed. I don't want to go out with my friends anymore. The stress is affecting every part of my life. I've tried to take comfort in things I love but I just can't ever seem to pull myself out from under. I've always been a horribly insecure person and I'm sure that's playing a part in all of this as well. I just don't know what to do. I want to be with him and I think at least a part of him wants to be with me too. I just don't know what to do.

[Nowty V]

Nothing is worth making yourself feel bad.

 

If you can avoid him at work that may be a plan, and keep things formal if you can't.

 

He sounds as though his head is all over the shop, for whatever reason.

 

If he had serious intention he wouldn't be dithering about with this excuse and that excuse.

 

You are important, you need to take care of you.

 

Neither he nor anyone else is the key to your happiness, you are.

 

Do the stuff you like with the people you like.

 

Swerve him unless he is coming across with something concrete and respectful.

 

You need something definite, you don't need your emotions pulling this way and that. If you don't let him, he can't do that.

[ExpatInItaly]

You really need to just walk away from this completely.

 

Anytime someone says they have feelings for an ex, the correct action is to leave. It's very unwise to try to comfort them and still hang around.

 

That's really the only thing you did "wrong" here. You continued to be there and make yourself available to a man whose heart and mind aren't with you.

 

When someone repeatedly wants space, it's a strong indication they're just not serious about dating you. And it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you personally. It jus means you two aren't a match.

[BevGB]

I guess I just always thought that if he asked for space that meant he was willing to try. And after all we've been through and coming out on the other side of it together I always took that as a good sign that we could make it.

 

I've been thinking of trying the no contact rule and seeing if my absence would make him miss me. But I'm not sure what to do. If I do it should I tell him? It seems mean to just to start ignoring him. It's not like we broke up and despite everything it just seems to be the respectful way to go about it. I'm worried if I do that though he'll take it as I'm giving up and I'm not. I believe he's worth the wait but I want to know if he's still willing to try with me. If he is I'm willing to give him his space. I guess I just need an update from him.

 

And would it be wrong of me to ask him for an update? I have a couple times in the past and he just tells me he needs time but understands why and how I'm feeling. I don't want to pressure him but it would be nice to know where his head is at. I don't want to come off as needy either. Just really want an update.

 

 

EDIT: I was also wondering if I should maybe wait until after the election to maybe see how things play out? It's something that very prominent on his mind so maybe after it's over his mind will be more clear? It's not like I have other people I'm interested in so I'm not really holding myself up there. Thoughts?

Edited October 5, 2016 by BevGB

[ExpatInItaly]

No, someone asking for space over and over is not a sign they're willing to try.

It's a sign they don't really want to be with you but they don't want you to disappear completely in case they decide they want your attention. Especially considering that you're not in a relationship. What is he taking space from? Trust me when I say this isn't a good thing.

 

What do you want to be updated about, exactly? He's already told you he's not in a good place and that he's still thinking about his ex. There's not much more to say. Are you hoping to hear he'll have changed his mind and now he wants a relationship? I think you have all the information you need about where his head is at, it's just hard to see it for what it is and admit it's not what you'd hoped for. Why would you want a man who is thinking of another woman? Him even mentioning her is a gigantic red flag.

 

To be blunt, you're being way too available and passive here. I know you don't have bad intentions, but you are showing him that you don't really have any boundaries. That's not good because it also shows him that he can take advantage of your kindness. Don't allow yourself to be his Plan B.

 

And don't worry so much about pressuring him or hurting him. You need to start thinking of your own well-being a bit more. Think about the effect this has all had on you. Is that what you envisioned a relationship to be? Speaking for months on end but only having been on three dates isn't a relationship. Speaking with someone a lot and them needing space from that isn't a relationship, either.

 

You deserve a lot more, OP. He's not The One.

[BevGB]

Should I at least confront him about? If for no other reason than to maybe get some closure if that's what it ends up being?

[Zahara]

Should I at least confront him about? If for no other reason than to maybe get some closure if that's what it ends up being?

 

There is nothing to confront. He has been clear about his feelings for his ex and that should be enough closure for you.

 

When someone tells you they need space and is struggling with unresolved feelings from their past but trying to keep you in their line of vision, they do so because you act as a backup, a soft landing, a fallback -- someone to provide them attention when they need it. It helps them transition to the next stage, and most times it's not with you.

 

End all communication. He needs to clear his head without using you as a crutch.

[BevGB]

Then should I try the No Contact rule? And if I do should I tell him? I don't want him to think I'm playing games. I want to be honest with him like I would want him to be with me. And if I do without telling him he's going to know something is up and try to confront me. I'd rather he not get mad at me for disappearing on him. I'd at least want him to know that I'm just trying to make things better for us no matter what happens. It just seems cruel to cut him off abruptly.

[Zahara]

Then should I try the No Contact rule? And if I do should I tell him? I don't want him to think I'm playing games. I want to be honest with him like I would want him to be with me. And if I do without telling him he's going to know something is up and try to confront me. I'd rather he not get mad at me for disappearing on him. I'd at least want him to know that I'm just trying to make things better for us no matter what happens. It just seems cruel to cut him off abruptly.

 

You can tell him but once you do that you need to stick to it. I'm sure he's going to try to break that boundary but you need to stay strong.

 

And stop worrying about "us" -- you need to prioritize yourself.

[BevGB]

How long do I break contact? I've read on most sites that 30 days seem to be the standard. It would kind of work out since the election is about a month away anyway. Maybe by then his mind will be more clear?

 

EDIT: Is it better to do this in person? I know he'll be talking to me on Facebook later so I could do it then but it seems wrong to do it over a computer

[Zahara]

How long do I break contact? I've read on most sites that 30 days seem to be the standard. It would kind of work out since the election is about a month away anyway. Maybe by then his mind will be more clear?

 

EDIT: Is it better to do this in person? I know he'll be talking to me on Facebook later so I could do it then but it seems wrong to do it over a computer

 

You don't break contact. He's told you he has unresolved feelings for his ex. This isn't about an election. Re-read Expats post to you.

 

No, you can tell him over an email.

 

You're being overly protective about his feelings. Start focusing on YOU and your next steps and the fact that you should be protecting yourself from further hurt. You seem to be too focused with coddling him.

[VeveCakes]

Hes an avoidant attachment style. I doubt he will ever be "fully" present in a relationship. Read the book Attached...he is avoidant to a T. Save yourself the heart ache and walk away from this one.

[BevGB]

I have updates.

 

Last night he told me he felt bad because he knew he was emotionally unavailable (he initiated the conversation). So I asked him again if he wanted to just break up and yet again he didn't give me a definite answer. So I decided to give lay all my cards out and told him I was in love with him and had been for months.

 

He said he didn't feel the same way. I told him I knew that and that was ok. And I asked again if he wanted to break up and he said he didn't want to break my heart. I told him he was going to have to and how dating anyone either ends up in being together forever or breaking up. He still couldn't really give me a definite answer and that when I brought up the idea of the no contact rule for 30 days.

 

He went almost instantly into panic mode. He said he didn't want to not talk to me. He said it shouldn't matter since we only talk mundane things anyway. Then he said he didn't want to lose my friendship because he didn't have many friends. I made it very clear to him that I was not able to ever be just friends with him. I told him our only options at this point was to either end it completely or try the no contact and see if my absence would affect him at all. He eventually agreed to give no contact a try and when I said ok and goodnight and started to walk away he kinda started panicking again. He seemed shocked I was just walking away and started asking more about the no contact like how would it work since we work together and won't it be awkward. I told him he could contact me in emergencies and anything work related but outside of that there would be no contact. I told him we could be civil at work and I felt it wouldn't be awkward that way. Eventually he gave in and we both went our separate ways.

 

So today was day one. I haven't heard from him at all nor have I contacted him. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I've been crying since I got home from work tonight. I don't know how I'm going to get through another 29 days. I've spent the day wondering if he's been thinking of me and if there just a little part of him that may be missing me too.

[Nowty V]

Stick to your guns, it's the only way.

 

Life should be fun.

 

It looks like a dark tunnel now, but there is light at the end of it.

[BevGB]

I know this is a very hard question to answer but can anyone give me an idea on if this will really make him miss me and give us another chance? My instincts say nothing will probably change but I had to at least take a chance. And I figured it couldn't hurt since I know I can't be just friends with him. I just wonder if this will really work.

[BevGB]

Sorry for the double post. I can't seem to edit the one above.

 

The reason I ask if this will work is because if he really didn't feel anything for me why would he bother even trying the no contact? A friend of mine wondered if maybe he start to have some feelings for me and got scared which is why he pulled away to begin with. If we go through with the no contact maybe he will realize he did have real feelings for me.

 

But if it's not going to change anything I'd rather not waste his time. I'm not saying id be his friend and the only contact I would make then would be to tell him that we don't have to do this and just end it here completely.

 

Just a thought.

[Zahara]

The transition person doesn't normally get picked once the dumper moves on. The transition person (you) fills a temporary void. He contacts you because you fulfill a purpose -- attention, distraction, ego boost, etc.

 

Don't put a 30 day timeline for moving on. Just shut the door.

[BevGB]

But that's what I'm confused about. If he's truly moved on why agree to this at all? And if in 30 days his feelings haven't changed then it's over for good and we still aren't going to be friends. Seems like a lot of trouble for him to go through all of this if he's already moved on.

[Zahara]

But that's what I'm confused about. If he's truly moved on why agree to this at all? And if in 30 days his feelings haven't changed then it's over for good and we still aren't going to be friends. Seems like a lot of trouble for him to go through all of this if he's already moved on.

 

You have to understand that you're analysing every bit of this because you are emotional about him. He isn't emotional about you. You are projecting.

 

You've given him ultimatums. He knows he cannot give you what you want so he is going to go along with what you want. If he has to wait for 30 days to resume contact, then he'll wait because come 30 days, you'll resume to being his friend. It's no sweat off his back. But more so for you because you're the one stressing about him. You are in love with him. He isn't. This has nothing to do with him moving on but transitioning on. The only reason he freaked was because he was losing what was comfortable and accessible to him.

 

- he knew he was emotionally unavailable (he initiated the conversation).

- I asked him again if he wanted to just break up and yet again he didn't give me a definite answer

- He said he didn't feel the same way (you being in love with him)

- I asked again if he wanted to break up and he said he didn't want to break my heart.

- Then he said he didn't want to lose my friendship because he didn't have many friends

 

Pay attention to what he's telling you. When someone tells you what you don't want to hear, listen.

 

I also have to wonder if the ex is back in the picture. Hence, the 180.

[Redhead14]

I know this is a very hard question to answer but can anyone give me an idea on if this will really make him miss me and give us another chance? My instincts say nothing will probably change but I had to at least take a chance. And I figured it couldn't hurt since I know I can't be just friends with him. I just wonder if this will really work.

 

No contact is not a tool for making someone miss you and come back to you. It is a tool for moving on with as little drama and emotional torment as possible.

 

All you are doing is stringing yourself along for another 30 days, at which time, you will be heartbroken all over again.

 

And, if he comes back and says he's all in, I promise you he will up things for a little while and then pull away again because the closeness is uncomfortable for him. Every time he gets close, he'll back off time and again.

[BevGB]

Ok. I see what you guys are saying. It's fair enough. But I do want to say for the record that if he's just trying to gain my friendship back he has to know that's not going to happen. I made that very clear. I know I can never be friends with him again. I have no intention of being his friend ever again. So if he knows that and just wants my friendship it still seems like a lot trouble for him to go through all of this. Wouldn't that be harmful to him? Even if he doesn't care about my feelings he still has to know our friendship is over.

 

EDIT: Also should I just contact him and tell him im calling off the no contact? And yet again making it clear that we can never be friends. That way neither one of us has this 30 day waiting period hanging over us?

Edited October 10, 2016 by BevGB

[Zahara]

Ok. I see what you guys are saying. It's fair enough. But I do want to say for the record that if he's just trying to gain my friendship back he has to know that's not going to happen. I made that very clear. I know I can never be friends with him again. I have no intention of being his friend ever again. So if he knows that and just wants my friendship it still seems like a lot trouble for him to go through all of this. Wouldn't that be harmful to him? Even if he doesn't care about my feelings he still has to know our friendship is over.

 

What trouble is there for him to just stay NC with you for 30 days? I am not clear as to what you mean "trouble he has to go through". He'll just step back and go about his life and focus on everything but you. Then when you revisit in 30 days, he'll try the friends route and even maybe try to get some benefits...What trouble is he going through?

 

Unfortunately for you, 30 days in and making contact is going to kick you so far down that hole again that you're the only one that is going to be going through "trouble".

[Zahara]

EDIT: Also should I just contact him and tell him im calling off the no contact? And yet again making it clear that we can never be friends. That way neither one of us has this 30 day waiting period hanging over us?

 

Stay no contact. Come 30 days you continue staying NC. If he comes back wanting to be friends, then state your case.

[BevGB]

Stay no contact. Come 30 days you continue staying NC. If he comes back wanting to be friends, then state your case.

 

Are you sure? I honestly never wanted to make it sound like I was giving him some kind of ultimatum. I never even thought about it that way until you said it. I don't want him to have this hanging over his head with this deadline looming. I can see why that's wrong. I just really thought if we took time apart we may find our way back. I wasn't trying to manipulate or play games with him. And I feel awful thinking I gave him some ultimatum just to make us both feel bad again in 30 days. We can still stay no contact but at least this deadline won't be hanging over us.

[Zahara]

Are you sure? I honestly never wanted to make it sound like I was giving him some kind of ultimatum. I never even thought about it that way until you said it. I don't want him to have this hanging over his head with this deadline looming. I can see why that's wrong. I just really thought if we took time apart we may find our way back. I wasn't trying to manipulate or play games with him. And I feel awful thinking I gave him some ultimatum just to make us both feel bad again in 30 days. We can still stay no contact but at least this deadline won't be hanging over us.

 

Bev, he does not love you. He isn't emotional about you. He's still hung up on his ex. He likely attached to you to fill a void he was feeling when he was trying to distract himself from his ex.

 

You're looking at this from emotional eyes. HE IS NOT. He is not stressing about your 30 days. YOU are stressing about your 30 days and you're fearful that you may have ruined your chances of getting back with him.

 

He has openly and honestly told you he wants a friendship with you and nothing else. He's not going to be as affected as you are if there is no friendship. You on the other hand are going to be devastated in 30 days when he's still wanting a friendship.

 

Stop focusing on how he feels and start focusing on protecting yourself.