Dumped by boyfriend after huge fight

[ayeshau]

Hey everybody, I started dating a coworker of mine (I know, I know, terrible idea) around 3 months ago and we were good friends for about 3 months before that. He's the type of guy that gets extremely invested in a person and I was his first serious relationship since his first ever relationship. We got along great, we talked about our futures, and he always referred to me as his movtivation and that I make him see what he could be.

 

The last couple weeks, however, my mother found out about him and though culturally we are from the same country and everything, my parents don't think he's a good match for me because he doesnt have a degree. My ex himself always brought this up and would tell me he feels he can't stand beside me yet and that he's inadequate for me, I always tried to convince him otherwise because I truly believed that wasn't true. But anyways once my mother found out she was extremely serious about me quitting my job and breaking up with him. We had just gotten so close before she found out and I decided to keep dating him anyway and I would go to work and everything- she thought I was in night class.

 

I never in my life lied to my parents this much, i lied about where I was, who I was with every day and it was starting to get to me. I even told him that if its too much drama for him to be single and he told me that he would handle anything for me. It started to get to me though and I found myself taking it out on him a lot.

 

For starters, he never really was the type to compliment me and he hadnt taken me out on an actual date, these things didn't bother me before because I knew his feelings for me were more genuine than any relationship I had, but it bothered me because of what was going on at home and I would yell at him about the dumbest things. I made him feel like he was a bad boyfriend and made him feel unappreciated.

 

One night out I was drunk and i got into a huge fight with him basically saying why do I put so much on the line for a guy like you and said some mean things, i compared him to a guy he hates and said that guy is a better boyfriend to his girl. This really, really hurt him and my cab home came, we always go home together in the same cab but I told him to take a separate one. He was holding my purse for me and i told him to give me my purse because I was going to leave and he said "If you take this purse its the end of it" and i took it and left.

 

We work together and I didnt see him for 3 days because i dont work on weekends or fridays, and neither of us messaged eachother. I finally saw him on monday and asked to talk, i felt terrible and truly thought we would make up. But he told me he realizes he doesnt want to be in a relationship with anybody, that he needs space. i told him how sorry i was and that i didnt want to lose him but he just repeated himself. I know how inadequate I made him feel and he was already insecure and i just reinforced it by criticising him.

 

I can't help but want him back so badly- I fell for him the week prior to our breakup and I want to know if theres a chance at getting him back? I work with him but ive been giving him space and im hoping to continue giving him space for a month and then initiating contact. He told one of our mutual coworkers what happened and told her "i think its officially done but i just need some time" I dont know what that means and I dont know if I have a shot at getting him back. What do you guys thiink

Edited September 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs ~6

[salparadise]

One night out I was drunk and i got into a huge fight with him basically saying why do I put so much on the line for a guy like you and said some mean things, i compared him to a guy he hates and said that guy is a better boyfriend to his girl. This really, really hurt him

 

What do you guys thiink

 

 

Of course it hurt. I'd say you obviated the possibility by stabbing him where he was most vulnerable. You attacked his worthiness. What kind of guy would want to be with a woman after she has denigrated his intrinsic value? That kind of stuff can't be unsaid.

 

If he has adequate self respect, or if he's seriously working at it, he's be smart to move on now.

 

I'd say you also need to set some firm boundaries with your parents.

[ExpatInItaly]

First things first, you actually broke up with him. He told you if you left that night, the relationship would be over. And you chose to leave.

 

I don't think there's much of a chance of reconciliation here, to be honest. You showed him that when you are angry or stressed, you will take it out on him and pick on his insecurities. You knew his weak point and used that to hurt him. Not cool. Low-blows like that have no place in a relationship.

 

You also admit you yelled at him over minor issues. This demonstrates you don't have very good communication skills, either.

 

Combine all of that with your parents' disapproval - and what is there to save, really? I'm not sure why you felt you could unload that kind of verbal and emotional garbage on him and expect him to want to make up.

 

Leave him alone. He knows you are sorry. He might come around, but I think it's not very likely. Let this be an important lesson in managing your emotions and anger, and learning to communicate like an adult.

[dark_places]

I think it's best to let him go. I agree with ExpatInItaly - you were the one responsible for the breakup (I really am not a fan of such ultimatums, but still). You can't just expect to get in that cab and leave and then he'll still be around just waiting on you to throw him a bone a couple of days later.

Also, I agree you should think harder about what hurtful things you say to someone you care about. They just can't be unsaid. My ex said some very hurtful things that later, he wished he could take back - we stayed together despite those things (not sure it was a good idea), but I never forgot those things. I think a relationship should base on mutual respect and not exploiting each other's weaknesses in a fight just because you feel like it. Also, it doesn't sound like he did anything wrong (at least not from what you're writing).

Show some respect for him now - he said he needs space. Give him space. Everything else is up to him; he knows you're sorry. But I wouldn't expect him to come back around.

[Satu]

The most common cause of relationship breakdown is harsh or demeaning speech. That comes as a surprise to some people, but it shouldn't, because we all hate being on the receiving end of it.

 

It wouldn't be inaccurate to call it verbal violence.

 

Once the big sword of words is drawn, things can only go downhill.

 

Your words were chosen to cause hurt, and they did.

 

If you want a happy life, you're going to have to ban this kind of speech from your behaviour.

 

Learn how to be respectful even when you're angry.

 

Take care.

[marky00]

OP,

 

 

Feel sorry for your situation.

 

 

Can't believe your parents were on your back like that. No wonder you weren't being yourself.

 

 

Look, in tough times we lean on our partners and when they DONT GET IT, we sometimes take it further by pushing their buttons or whatever.

 

 

You acted like that because you cared and got resentful when he wasn't empathetic etc.

 

 

Its such a common relationship dynamic.

 

 

Yes, the lesson here is that no matter how angry or upset you are or how much stress is in your life, its often best to act like your ok (even if that feels dishonest). Hopefully, after a few months of acting, things settle down and you can be your natural happy self again. Easier said than done because often your partners pick up that we are acting, they see between the cracks.

[Pegellen]

Hmmm. A prickly situation. Words do hurt, though, and as you're aware from what you've said, they can really harm relationships. It sounds like your relationship with him at the point of the cab ride was fairly tenuous, and, as others have said, may just have been the thing that sealed the deal. And, of course, the situation with your parents is certainly less than ideal; keeping track of what untruths have been told is a lot of work and adds more stress, than if you're able to be up front and honest in the first place. Also, as you clearly pointed out, he's a coworker, and a relationship with a coworker adds another level of stress that nobody - including your other coworkers - wants; it can make for a very uncomfortable situation.

 

But isn't it always the way that when you're not sure you want something, if you can't have it, you end up wanting it more? Maybe that's really where you're at, because I don't get the impression you were that happy with him anyway; hence, harsh words.

 

Space is definitely important here, IMO, and if you can be free of each other for the month you've suggested and then see what happens, you'll have time to clear your head. Then who knows what will happen in that time?

[stillafool]

How old are you guys? When do you plan to move out from your mother?

 

Until you move out on your own leave this poor guy alone. I really can't blame him because your mother hates him and you listen to her. Nothing will change as long as you are under her roof and not making your own decisions.

Edited September 29, 2016 by stillafool

[ayeshau]

I made a post earlier about this break up but essentially I ruined my relationship with my boyfriend by taking out a lot of family stress on him. We got in a fight and I left him and he told me he doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore on Monday. We work together and I decided to completely respect what he said and give him space and time, i want him back so badly because I know he cared about me and liked me, I just had so much going on at home i took it out on him.

 

Last night we all were drinking after work and him and i ended up talking and I told him for the first time why I treated him the way I did for the couple weeks before our breakup and he understood and apologized for hurting me as well and told me the last week we've been over he's been dying. We essentially got back together we were holding hands he kept holding my purse for me calling me "love" and "babe" again, we kissed and he got me home and told me to message him. I did and this morning he messaged this:

 

"Hey listen I'm sorry but I was really really drunk last night so I dont remember anything that I said or did...

but i still feel the same way about us, im just not ready to be in a relationship im sorry

im really sorry if I said or did anything last night"

 

In all fairness he's the type of guy to black out like this he was on xanax i think and drank and he's blacked out before, and he told our coworkers he needed time, it was such a stressful relationship on him and i regret how much strain i put on him. i know he needs time, and we got back together last night drunk without giving eachother proper space. however, i still want him back and i want to keep giving him space and time and eventually explain to him my circumstances. he doesnt know why i was the way i was (my parents hated him and found out about him), it was only temporary i wasnt myself, and i need him to know that. he understood last night but he doesnt remember and so i understand why this morning nothing has changed.

 

All i need to know is, does anyone think i still have a shot with him? He isnt a very sexual person and we did nothing more than kiss, i know he wasn't just horny, he expressed a lot to me and i believe this means he still has some feelings. I'm going to focus on myself for a while but I want to know if you guys think we might patch things up one day?

[NCmav]

I made a post earlier about this break up but essentially I ruined my relationship with my boyfriend by taking out a lot of family stress on him. We got in a fight and I left him and he told me he doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore on Monday. We work together and I decided to completely respect what he said and give him space and time, i want him back so badly because I know he cared about me and liked me, I just had so much going on at home i took it out on him.

 

Last night we all were drinking after work and him and i ended up talking and I told him for the first time why I treated him the way I did for the couple weeks before our breakup and he understood and apologized for hurting me as well and told me the last week we've been over he's been dying. We essentially got back together we were holding hands he kept holding my purse for me calling me "love" and "babe" again, we kissed and he got me home and told me to message him. I did and this morning he messaged this:

 

"Hey listen I'm sorry but I was really really drunk last night so I dont remember anything that I said or did...

but i still feel the same way about us, im just not ready to be in a relationship im sorry

im really sorry if I said or did anything last night"

 

In all fairness he's the type of guy to black out like this he was on xanax i think and drank and he's blacked out before, and he told our coworkers he needed time, it was such a stressful relationship on him and i regret how much strain i put on him. i know he needs time, and we got back together last night drunk without giving eachother proper space. however, i still want him back and i want to keep giving him space and time and eventually explain to him my circumstances. he doesnt know why i was the way i was (my parents hated him and found out about him), it was only temporary i wasnt myself, and i need him to know that. he understood last night but he doesnt remember and so i understand why this morning nothing has changed.

 

All i need to know is, does anyone think i still have a shot with him? He isnt a very sexual person and we did nothing more than kiss, i know he wasn't just horny, he expressed a lot to me and i believe this means he still has some feelings. I'm going to focus on myself for a while but I want to know if you guys think we might patch things up one day?

 

 

Alcohol simply lowers inhibitions. It could just means that he will eventually come around to the same conclusion while sober. Like you said give it some time and space and hopefully he will come around. I am playing the waiting game myself (see my recent thread) and as much as it stinks, it is the only thing you can do right now. Hang in there!

[ayeshau]

I'm not sure if I should reply to what he messaged, i think that theres nothing to say right now and maybe if i dont reply and give him more space he truly will come around.

[NCmav]

I'm not sure if I should reply to what he messaged, i think that theres nothing to say right now and maybe if i dont reply and give him more space he truly will come around.

 

 

Just let him cool down. If he cares he will come around.

[Satu]

It's possible.

 

His drinking is a concern.

 

People who get "blackout drunk" drunk like this, definitely have an alcohol problem.

 

You should factor that into your thinking.

 

 

Take care.

[Buddhist]

It doesn't sound very promising. He didn't remember anything from last night but remembered enough to send you a text to make sure you didn't think you were back together? He remembers and he regrets it. He wants to be free.

 

You have to realise that sorry and explanations can't undo what he now knows about you. That when under stress you will take it out on him. He can't un-see that and it's very damaging to relationships. if I were I would....

 

- Yes give him space.

- Prepare for the eventuality that you won't get back together.

- Do what you need to do to get over this for yourself.

- Assume it's over until you get confirmation otherwise.

- Do not hold out hope, move on.

[ayeshau]

i messgaed him last night babe are you home? and he woke up to that this morning and had no clue what happened, thats what happens when you mix xanax with alcohol. he's hurting, i hurt him, and i cant reverse that i'm aware, but i never communicated to him my circumstances the way i did last night,

[KatieCares]

I know you're struggling, and how painful that can be; but I think that you need to move on..

I'm not detecting any real interest in reconciling from your boyfriend. Honestly his text sounds pretty suspicious. And the drinking and blacking out....huge red flag!

This is not a total waste however....hopefully you have learned to better manage your emotions when going through family problems, or any other problems for that matter. Honestly, though, I think that you are better off without this guy. Pick your self-esteem up off the floor, and move on. You deserve better!

[LookAtThisPOst]

I made a post earlier about this break up but essentially I ruined my relationship with my boyfriend by taking out a lot of family stress on him. We got in a fight and I left him and he told me he doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore on Monday. We work together and I decided to completely respect what he said and give him space and time, i want him back so badly because I know he cared about me and liked me, I just had so much going on at home i took it out on him.

 

Last night we all were drinking after work and him and i ended up talking and I told him for the first time why I treated him the way I did for the couple weeks before our breakup and he understood and apologized for hurting me as well and told me the last week we've been over he's been dying. We essentially got back together we were holding hands he kept holding my purse for me calling me "love" and "babe" again, we kissed and he got me home and told me to message him. I did and this morning he messaged this:

 

"Hey listen I'm sorry but I was really really drunk last night so I dont remember anything that I said or did...

but i still feel the same way about us, im just not ready to be in a relationship im sorry

im really sorry if I said or did anything last night"

 

In all fairness he's the type of guy to black out like this he was on xanax i think and drank and he's blacked out before, and he told our coworkers he needed time, it was such a stressful relationship on him and i regret how much strain i put on him. i know he needs time, and we got back together last night drunk without giving eachother proper space. however, i still want him back and i want to keep giving him space and time and eventually explain to him my circumstances. he doesnt know why i was the way i was (my parents hated him and found out about him), it was only temporary i wasnt myself, and i need him to know that. he understood last night but he doesnt remember and so i understand why this morning nothing has changed.

 

All i need to know is, does anyone think i still have a shot with him? He isnt a very sexual person and we did nothing more than kiss, i know he wasn't just horny, he expressed a lot to me and i believe this means he still has some feelings. I'm going to focus on myself for a while but I want to know if you guys think we might patch things up one day?

 

It boggles the mind that someone would have a person like this in their lives for romance or even as a friend.

[BaileyB]

He sounds like he has an issue with alcohol and prescription drugs. That would be enough to make me want to pass on any kind of relationship... What you are describing doesn't sound very healthy.

[ExpatInItaly]

He knows what he said and did; otherwise, he wouldn't have sent a message like that. If he was so drunk he couldn't remember, I don't think he would have felt compelled to send you that at all.

 

My best guess is he is still hurting from the break-up and just not ready to try again. I know you two were affectionate last night but I don't really see where you two actually got back together. There was no talk of re-establishing the relationship, if I understand correctly.

 

It's hard to say if you two will reconcile. I participated in your other thread and the split got ugly. As NCmav pointed out, there's not much you can do now but give him space.

[ayeshau]

no he doesnt know what he said and did I messaged him last night saying babe are you home and he woke up to that this morning. we established a lot last night i explained to him i never want to take my stress out on him again and he told me he would be more understanding and that he was so sorry for ever leaving. i will give him space and i know why he's still hurt but all i really want to know is if theres a chance.

[GemmaUK]

I would not want anything to do with him.

 

If you go for it I think you will hurt eventually.

 

It's your choice at the end of the day.

Depends who you value more - yourself or him.

[Michelle ma Belle]

 

Last night we all were drinking after work and him and i ended up talking and I told him for the first time why I treated him the way I did for the couple weeks before our breakup and he understood and apologized for hurting me as well and told me the last week we've been over he's been dying. We essentially got back together we were holding hands he kept holding my purse for me calling me "love" and "babe" again, we kissed and he got me home and told me to message him. I did and this morning he messaged this:

 

"Hey listen I'm sorry but I was really really drunk last night so I dont remember anything that I said or did...

but i still feel the same way about us, im just not ready to be in a relationship im sorry

im really sorry if I said or did anything last night"

 

 

Sorry, but I can't get past this...How exactly did he "get you home"? Did he drive you home??

[Gr8fuln2020]

It doesn't sound very promising. He didn't remember anything from last night but remembered enough to send you a text to make sure you didn't think you were back together? He remembers and he regrets it. He wants to be free.

 

You have to realise that sorry and explanations can't undo what he now knows about you. That when under stress you will take it out on him. He can't un-see that and it's very damaging to relationships. if I were I would....

 

- Yes give him space.

- Prepare for the eventuality that you won't get back together.

- Do what you need to do to get over this for yourself.

- Assume it's over until you get confirmation otherwise.

- Do not hold out hope, move on.

 

My thoughts as well. Why text back making certain that you hadn't gotten back together if he doesn't remember? I don't buy that he forgot about last night.

 

BTW, he's on Xanax and drinking to drunkeness??? Not a very smart guy or ignorant of what he's doing. Xanax with alcohol can be deadly. You should let him know this if he doesn't and if he does....he's living on the edge and safe anyway.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Sorry, but I can't get past this...How exactly did he "get you home"? Did he drive you home??

 

Xanax and alcohol is a potent combo. He doesn't have to be drunk (impaired) for the side-effects to take place later. But if he was, that's another RED flag about this guy.

[ExpatInItaly]

no he doesnt know what he said and did I messaged him last night saying babe are you home and he woke up to that this morning. we established a lot last night i explained to him i never want to take my stress out on him again and he told me he would be more understanding and that he was so sorry for ever leaving. i will give him space and i know why he's still hurt but all i really want to know is if theres a chance.

 

He remembers enough to know that he said or did things he regrets. He clearly doesn't want to mislead you into thinking you're back together. He said as much in his message.

 

The bottom line is that we can't tell you if there is a chance. Only he can. My guess, based on the reasons for the break-up and his own words to you in a sober state, is that you need to move on.

 

As the others have pointed out, he's not exactly the sharpest tool in the box if he's mixing Xanax and alcohol. You're probably not missing as much as you think you are.