Would you say we are truly incompatible or am I looking for 'perfect'?

[drdre]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 1yr and 3 months. She is 33 and Im 31 with a 8yr from a previous marriage. On our second date, I felt something I never felt before and thought 'this may be it' and even had thoughts of proposing right then and there. She is a great girl, she is beautiful, loyal, trustworthy, she has a fun, bubbly personality, she is great with my daughter, my daughter loves her, she is super thoughtful and helpful and tries to make things special for me any chance she gets. My friends without exception all love her.

 

Having said all of that, over this past year of learning more about her and us together, there are things I cant decide whether or not I can live with and those things are making me very hesitant to take the next step with her (move in together or propose or whatever the right next step may be). I come here for advice on whether these things truly are important and I should consider them deal breakers or if I'm having a case of 'looking for perfect' when I have something great right here and should just accept them and work it out. Either way, I believe I have to decide one way or another soon because I do not want to waste her time in case we dont work out.

 

-- Religion --

Im not a super religious guy from the stand point that I dont go around preaching or beating anyone with a [religious book of choice here] over the head but I do go to church weekly. She does does not really believe in religions. One might say "all that matters is that she is a good person" and I tend to agree with that. Unless you want to have kids together (and we do). I want to raise them going to church and learning about religion and I foresee that being an issue if she doesnt believe in any of that or wants to participate.

 

-- Money --

She is not good with it. She grew up with a wall street dad who made up for his absence by throwing money at it. Nowadays, he still helps her pay for something things and yet, she lives paycheck to paycheck, has nothing in savings but lives a lifestyle I believe is beyond her means. She wants multiple fancy trips a year, fancy restaurants and date nights multiple times a week. Just this weekend while looking at renewing her auto lease, she snubbed at a car because it was navy blue instead of black and not 'luxurious' enough while even that car was beyond her budget and dad was going to help. I on the other hand, own a house, my car has 180k miles but is paid off, no debt and just started a company. To clarify, I like nice things too but I am concerned that if we were to get married and join finances that we would have issues when it came to managing money and how we spend it.

 

-- Food --

She's a vegetarian and Im Brazilian (i.e. love meat). This is another one that doesn't seem like a big deal since she doesn't care that I eat but when we introduce kids to the equation, it becomes a point of contention. She'd want to raise our imaginary kids to be vegetarian - I do not. Plus I already have 1 kid who is not vegetarian and I cant picture the logistic of little Johnny asking me if he can have a piece of my steak and me saying no because mom thinks its wrong to eat cows.

 

-- Emotional Grit --

When the going gets tough or things dont happen the way she expects or dreamed they would, she unravels and spirals out of control emotionally very rapidly quite often. The side effect of this is that we've had multiple trips or special occasions completely ruined over something small. If we cant have an amazing time in Mexico because the food at the resort wasnt up to her standards or some kids splashed us at the pool, I worry about how we would handle real life issues like money, kids and other external pressures.

 

One of the best things about our relationship compared to my previous ones is that with her, we typically can talk things out, understand each other, make compromises and real changes to make each other happy. Having said that, we have had 2-3 discussions about the topics above but at the end we come to this place where she feels "she cant predict the future and tell me how she is going to handle topics regarding our unborn children" and me feeling like "there is no way Im taking this huge leap in my life without working these things out". Last time I got married because the girl got pregnant and that was a huge mistake.

 

I really love her and in may ways, she is great but having said that, I dont believe that "love is all you need and the rest will work out". I think thats the reason people get divorced. They dont sort these things out before hand and by the time they figure out it's a problem, it's already too late and now they have to get lawyers. I do not want to get divorced again so I want to make sure she is/can be the right one.

 

 

Thanks for reading my long post! Cant wait for the LS family to talk some sense into me one way or another.

Edited September 28, 2016 by drdre

[BC1980]

Money are religion are two big deal breakers. If you are already having doubts about those two things, I'd give serious consideration to proceeding with this relationship.

[aloneinaz]

-- Money --

She is not good with it. She grew up with a wall street dad who made up for his absence by throwing money at it. Nowadays, he still helps her pay for something things and yet, she lives paycheck to paycheck, has nothing in savings but lives a lifestyle I believe is beyond her means. She wants multiple fancy trips a year, fancy restaurants and date nights multiple times a week. Just this weekend while looking at renewing her auto lease, she snubbed at a car because it was navy blue instead of black and not 'luxurious' enough while even that car was beyond her budget and dad was going to help. I on the other hand, own a house, my car has 180k miles but is paid off, no debt and just started a company. To clarify, I like nice things too but I am concerned that if we were to get married and join finances that we would have issues when it came to managing money and how we spend it.

 

-- Food --

She's a vegetarian and Im Brazilian (i.e. love meat). This is another one that doesn't seem like a big deal since she doesn't care that I eat but when we introduce kids to the equation, it becomes a point of contention. She'd want to raise our imaginary kids to be vegetarian - I do not. Plus I already have 1 kid who is not vegetarian and I cant picture the logistic of little Johnny asking me if he can have a piece of my steak and me saying no because mom thinks its wrong to eat cows.

 

-- Emotional Grit --

When the going gets tough or things dont happen the way she expects or dreamed they would, she unravels and spirals out of control emotionally very rapidly quite often. The side effect of this is that we've had multiple trips or special occasions completely ruined over something small. If we cant have an amazing time in Mexico because the food at the resort wasnt up to her standards or some kids splashed us at the pool, I worry about how we would handle real life issues like money, kids and other external pressures.

 

 

I remember when I got married years ago. The preacher wouldn't marry us until we took a compatibility test that was very comprehensive. He then interviewed us for several hours over a couple of visits. It was an interesting process. Ironically, my biggest issue with her was she was a total slob. Her car was disgusting, she didn't like to clean or keep the house clean, etc. Even after we married, she never changed in this area. We divorced for many reasons but this issue actually worsened as the marriage progressed. My point is people don't change.

 

The take away value for me was that he indicated the number one reasons marriages fail is due to incompatibility with money issues. You two are polar opposites as it comes to money management. She seems to be a bit spoiled and is accustomed to having what she wants through Daddy. It appears she's expecting you to continue to lavish her in the same manner. Her expectations you described would scare me off and be a deal breaker. It would be very hard for her to change her expectations in this area.

 

The other two concerns could also add unnecessary stress and friction. IDK, I see why your concerned here and to me they seem to be valid issues. The number one concern to me, again, is the money views and as I mentioned already, people don't really change.

Edited September 28, 2016 by aloneinaz

[Arieswoman]

OP,

alone nails it here -

My point is people don't change.

 

another quote is "people don't change, you only get to know them better".

 

The money issue is a big red flag.

 

Also if she's a drama queen and freaks out at the slightest provocation you're really going to have your work cut out.

 

This doesn't bode well, I'm sorry x

[Toodaloo]

People don't change.

 

I think your two main issues are money. She does act like a spoilt brat and isn't responsible.

 

Also child raising. If you are not comfortable with what any of your future children eat even???

 

My best friend is a veggie and she is married to a meat eater. The children are being raised to eat both but make their own decisions when they are old enough. Her husband just cooks all the meat they eat!!!

 

The rest I think is pretty daft stuff that is livable but these two issues?

 

Bad idea to go ahead. Time to go back to square one again.

[hippychick3]

People don't change.

 

I think your two main issues are money. She does act like a spoilt brat and isn't responsible.

 

Also child raising. If you are not comfortable with what any of your future children eat even???

 

My best friend is a veggie and she is married to a meat eater. The children are being raised to eat both but make their own decisions when they are old enough. Her husband just cooks all the meat they eat!!!

 

The rest I think is pretty daft stuff that is livable but these two issues?

 

Bad idea to go ahead. Time to go back to square one again.

 

I agree with this. The vegetarian issue is just plain silly. But the money and drama issues will only get worse in time especially when you have children and the "honeymoon stage" has completely faded away.

 

She seems to be very high maintenance and you will be replacing her daddy once you marry. She will have similar expectations from you.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Not much more I can add that hasn't already been said. I agree that love is not enough to guarantee a happily-ever-after. This I know for certain.

 

The points you brought up are pretty major and, as already talked about, if you're having problems agreeing or even compromising on scenarios that haven't even come to fruition yet you can bet these will become monumental issues in the future and after you put a ring on her.

 

That's not to say you have to sort out EVERY detail of your life before you get married but you have to at least be on the same page or reading the same book on each of the hot topics if there is any hope at all at making this work long term.

 

I'm not sure I see that here.

 

You have some seriously thinking to do and I suspect some hard decision ahead of you.

 

Good luck.

[drdre]

While browsing the forums today, I saw this post:

 

Of course (relationships have problems), it's whether you are able to reach compromise that matters. If you can talk and work through your differences of opinion that is what makes a healthy relationship. You will never find a relationship where both people want the same thing at the same time, no relationship is perfect, they all take work, that's what gives them meaning. remember to that people change as they grow older and move through different life experiences, that means relationships change to, so for a relationship to stand the test of time, the ability to work at it must be present. If you can communicate well and find a middle ground then that is what is important and of course love, because love gives you the strength to work on things when the hard times come.

 

And this is what gives me pause. We can communicate sooo well. Even when we disagree, it is with respect, calmly without raising our voices or calling each other names, we truly try to understand each other and come to mutual agreement and resolutions. There has been many other issues, some involving each of those things I listed above (money, religion, food, etc) where we have been able to talk and work them out. Here are some examples:

 

-- Money --

Up until 3-4 months in our relationship, she hardly ever offered or paid for anything (although she always said thank you). This was getting to me because it was becoming financially unviable to continue dating her. So one night, I brought the topic up and she expressed that it was in fact her expectation that in the beginning of courtship that the guy would pay but acknowledged that it was time she started pitching in. Since then she has offered more, picked up some tabs here and there and also surprised me with date nights that she planned and paid for. I do those for her too. I still think she doesnt spend her money well, even if it is on me, but the take away here was that she listened to my concern and made some changes.

 

-- Religion --

Every Thursday Im unavailable from 6pm-8pm due to church. In the beginning she'd ask if I'd skip in order for us to do this or that instead and it would bother me because it made me feel like she didnt think it was important. At some point, we had a conversation about how important it is to me and now she never asks me to cancel and always works around that time slot. She even came with me once but said it wasnt for her.

 

-- Food --

We have talked about how it would be difficult to have separate meals for everyone and while she said she would not cook me meat, she is ok buying a rotisserie chicken for me to add to the vegetarian meal she cooks for example.

 

-- Emotional Grit --

We discussed this multiple times and she agrees that it is an issue she has to work on and wants to improve. I would say there has definitely been some improvement since our Mexico fiasco in which we nearly broke up but she recently started seeing a therapist and everything in order to get her emotions more under control. She has really high highs and really low lows and she hates the rollercoaster ride.

 

 

I wanted to add these details because after I posted, I felt like I didnt make her justice when it comes to our ability to communicate and solve problems together. My point is, I feel like we can communicate and I have seen tangible improvements in different areas but I just dont know if the issues I have concerns about are just too big in the big picture of marriage.

 

Where do you draw the line between "All relationships have issues, the important thing is to be able to work on them" and "Sometimes you love someone you just arent compatible with/people dont change"?

 

Thanks again everyone!

[whatnot]

I think she's close. I don't think you are looking for perfect. I think you two are not compatible. I think religion is the deal breaker... One man's take...

 

Good luck

Edited September 28, 2016 by whatnot
de-personalized

[CarrieT]

I was going to reiterate what Whatnot said.

 

There is no reason to look for "perfection," but there are so many red flags in this relationship as to be extremely concerned.

 

The whole Mexico fiasco thing would have been a deal-breaker for me, personally. She sounds bizarrely high-maintenance that, coupled with the food, money, and religious issues, would make anyone question the girl's viability to having a long-term, committed relationship with anyone other than someone for whom money is no issue, is not religious, and is a vegetarian.

[Miss Peach]

The emotional part sounded a bit like my xBF. That was enough for me to break up with him even though I had thought about marriage with him at one point.