almost two weeks later, trying to stay hopeful

[audreyside]

Hello all,

(Bare with me)

I’m so thankful I have came across this website. I have been broken up with my boyfriend of nearly three years (in one week) for a total of 6 days. My emotions have been up and down. He was my first love, he took my virginity. We were both each others first long term relationships. I’ve been with him since I was 17, now I’ll be 21 in a few months.

 

To start off, our relationship has always been good. Of course we have had our ups and downs but we’ve always pulled through these obstacles. We hardly ever fought. Ever. Once in a blue moon it was be a weird crazy fight then we were good. We were best friends. I went to him for absolutely everything, which was very stressful for him at times. I depended on him a lot. I see that now.

 

This year, back in may we had broken up. For two days. We even still talked slightly during those two days. We broke up because he wanted me to realize some things (I was being a bitch etc, I realize now it was stupid to get back together so quickly) he felt that was the only way to make me realize. After we got back together, we were better than ever. I was so incredibly happy with him. But a few months fast forward (basically a few months ago) we fought like twice. They weren’t pretty fights, but we pulled through. Those are entirely different stories.

 

Fast forward to day of the break-up. I have been basically jobless since june, so it’s been really hard on me. I realized these things have been happening since then(when we first broke up I wasn’t very happy with my job at all. i was miserable). So I had been having some hard times. Jobless, home life was a mess, “friends” were there for me through my grandpas death. He was always the one there for me. 100%. There. So anyways, back to the day we broke-up. I had an interview that day, it went good. I got home, started thinking about some things and got very upset with myself. I was thinking negative. The previous night I had stayed the night at his house and things were good. I woke up to a kiss goodbye and even the usual text “goodmorning my beautiful lady I hope you have a good day!” He always always always was so sweet to me. He treated me so well. Of course I treated him the same! I loved him with everything in me. and he knows that. SO ANYWAYS, I started to feel down after my interview. Scared I wasn’t going to get the job. Worried if I didn’t get myself together in time I would be stuck at home even longer than anticipated. I was stressing myself out. So out of the blue I had texted him “I hope I’m always enough for you”. and he said “just keep doing you then” and I said “Alright then. I’m sorry, i’ve just been feeling weird lately I guess” In hopes for a pick me up, it was the opposite. He asked why i was coming at him like that and he doesn’t feel appreciated after that and all this stuff out of nowhere. I was so lost as to where to this has came from. I tried explaining to him what I had meant and I did not mean to hurt him and I could tell he wasn’t having it. So basically I convinced him to meet up with me to talk about things in person. I knew we were going to break up. I felt it in my gut.

 

We met at the park, and talked for about an hour or so. About a lot. Basically he was pouring his heart out to me. He felt unappreciated (although he admitted to knowing I always said thank you and tried my best) He was bored, we always sat around (although I immediately stood up for myself and let him know I always tried to do things with him, and he agreed.) He wants to be alone. He doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t know if I’m what he wants in a girlfriend(after three years I call bull****). He wasn’t getting happy. All the stress. I could go on. A lot of these things were contradicting to how we actually were. Well towards the end he was sort of on edge. I realized this now. I told him if he wasn’t happy with me then I understand. I told him I care about him as a person and want him to be happy even if it’s not with me. When we were walking back to our cars, i said the hardest part is saying goodbye. We were both crying our eyes out. It was hurting both of us so badly. He told me I’m a beautiful amazing person and I deserve the best. I don’t deserve for people to treat me like **** as they have. He told me good luck finding a job and to take care. Then we went our separate ways. Two days later I texted him “I just wanted to let you know I love and care for you with everything in me” and he didn’t reply. In fact, we haven’t spoken since the night we broke up.

 

It hurts. I’m in pain. This kid was/IS the love of my life. Of course I want to be hopeful maybe we will pull through. But right now I can’t see that happening. Because of how much pain I'm in. I feel like it’s going to take time. I need to get myself together and I know that. I’m scared that things will not work out and that it’s really over. But he was my best friend. My absolute everything. We were so good together. People always told us they were jealous of our relationship. Because that’s how it was. We loved each other, and we knew that we didn’t have to do anything to prove that.

 

I’m just so lost. I know right now isn’t the right time to talk. I need time to get my emotions in check and think about a lot in my life. I guess I’m just searching for some guidance.

 

Thanks!

[topher]

He felt drained from having to constantly validate you. He realized that he'd become alienated from his own needs. The greater the chase, the greater the flight. Treat this as a blessing in disguise. You're young. Take some time to work on yourself. Self-confidence, self-sufficiency, self-love are attractive.

[audreyside]

He felt drained from having to constantly validate you. He realized that he'd become alienated from his own needs. The greater the chase, the greater the flight. Treat this as a blessing in disguise. You're young. Take some time to work on yourself. Self-confidence, self-sufficiency, self-love are attractive.

 

 

Thank you for that. That means the most to me. I don't want to lose him still of course.

 

I had texted him this morning. Here is how it went.

 

me: goodmoring. I hope you enjoy work. I also hope the week is treating you well.

him:goodmorning. It has been very well, thank you. I wish the same for you as well.

me:do you think there is a possibility we could talk

him:yeah i have some of your stuff we could talk then

 

 

I'm not ready to speak and I realized this. I have this letter written for him that I feel I should've just sent before contacting him. I realized a lot about myself now that we have been broken up for a week. I don't want this to be the end of our relationship. I want us to work on this, slowly, surely.

[Patrice]

Get out with friends and improve yourself and your outlook on things. If you push too hard, you will be pushing him away. People at times need space, to think about what they want and need. Give him the time, and take the time for yourself. You'll be fine ....

[audreyside]

Thank you, thankfully I found a job. I have not replied to him yet because I've been thinking. I wrote him a letter explaining everything. It's a genuine letter, I will post it here before i send it

 

"Hello, I know it’s been a little bit since we have spoken. I just wanted to express a few of the things I have realized in the amount of time we have been apart. First I just want to say thank you. Thank you for for breaking-up with me. I know that sounds harsh, but I will explain. Thank you for breaking-up wtih me, it has opened my eyes to a lot of aspects in my life I realized I need to re-evaluate, and work on. I realized our relationship was not getting any better since we first broke up. I personally feel it was due to lack of time to actually think, and wonder if this is what we wanted. We jumped back into it so quickly without ever actually having the communication we needed afterwards. In all reality, I wasn’t happy with myself the past few months. It wasn’t you one bit. I downed myself a lot. I had lack of self-confidence due to getting rejected from job after job which pushed me further from my goals. I was having a hard time and it affected everything in my life. I hadn’t realized that I was truly having a hard time until we ended things. I also didn’t realize how much stress I added to your life with my own unhappiness. For that, I sincerely want to apologize. I wasn’t being the person either of us needed in our lives. I tried convincing myself all the time things were okay. but for some reason it never got through this thick skull of mine. I’m so sorry things went down in a spiral. I never wanted things to be this way. I was truly happy with you. You were/ARE the very love of my life. The first person I have ever gave myself to. The first person I had been in a serious, long-term relationship. The first person I had ever had plans with in the future. Which was always something that motivated me. I felt that you were/ARE my soulmate. I appreciate our bond, and our strong great connection that we have. I know that things were rocky at times, but we had always found a way to work things out. Because we loved eachother. We were in-love. What I am getting at here is. I’m not angry, or wondering "what happened?" anymore. I’ve come to terms with losing you. It has been the hardest thing. But I realize now the way I was, was not only affecting my lifestyle, but others around me. I know that we loved each other with everything we had. But what I do know is that breaking-up is better for the both of us in several different ways. I needed this time to reflect, work on myself and my own goals. I'm starting my dream career, I feel it's the right place for me to be. I know in my heart it puts me in good places. I hope that one day soon, we will be able to talk when the time is right. I hope that one day we will be able to start a clean slate. Get it right from the start.

 

Take care, Christopher.

P.S. I always think about your cute nicknames for me.

 

Love, "turkey butt" A.k.a, Audrey."

 

what do you think?

[Patrice]

This time is for space and reflecting on the relationship. If it was bad timing, things may get back on track later. Write here! We are here for you.

[audreyside]

you're right. I have his address and name written on it. No stamp yet. I never replied to his text "yeah i have your stuff so we can talk then" because I've been stumped.

[Patrice]

desperate, that's going to drive him away. Any guy who has done that to me, or me to him - it never works. Heal, and better yourself. Write all you want but don't send it. Mystique is underrated ... he doesn't know what you are doing now. Let his mind to thinking about YOU.

[Patrice]

AskChazzEllis: Youtube Channel

[stillafool]

you're right. I have his address and name written on it. No stamp yet. I never replied to his text "yeah i have your stuff so we can talk then" because I've been stumped.

 

But you asked him if you two could talk and he said yeah, I have some of your things (he wants to give back). So at that point wasn't it up to you to set a time and place to meet, talk and get back your things?

[audreyside]

I know. I was thinking about him a lot this morning and was quick to answer. I realized I'm not ready to talk. I feel like I still need time to clear my head.

 

Since I never replied to the text, he texted me again asking "would you be trying to talk today or tomorrow"

[topher]

I know. I was thinking about him a lot this morning and was quick to answer. I realized I'm not ready to talk. I feel like I still need time to clear my head.

 

Since I never replied to the text, he texted me again asking "would you be trying to talk today or tomorrow"

 

Ask a mutual friend to collect your things.

 

Closure comes from within.

[stillafool]

I know. I was thinking about him a lot this morning and was quick to answer. I realized I'm not ready to talk. I feel like I still need time to clear my head.

 

Since I never replied to the text, he texted me again asking "would you be trying to talk today or tomorrow"

 

Why did you ask him to talk and now you are not ready. You are sending mixed messages. Are you trying to make him chase you? Did you let him know that now you are not ready to talk?

[audreyside]

I let him now this new job caught me off guard today and that I'm leaving for the weekend and asked if we could set something up after I get my schedule. He replied "that's fine" I never said anything

[audreyside]

So, i’ve created a few topics on here. I really enjoy others insight. ESPECIALLY when they have either been in a similar predicament, or have very good experience.

 

My ex and of 3 years broke up two weeks ago(It will actually be two weeks since we’ve broken up on our three years this thursday) I thought I was blindsided. But I guess I saw it coming. He was on edge for the past week and half or so before it happened. So when it happened, I didn’t beg or plead for second chance or for him to keep trying. I just listened to him, ask questions, and let it be for now. My emotions were surely a wreck for the week to follow. I texted him two days after we broke up saying “I just wanted to let you know I love and care for you with everything in me” he didn’t reply. Which gave me several panic attacks (Pathetic, I know)

 

I didn’t try to contact him at all until another three days after the text, I said goodmoring I hope your week is going well, he replied goodmorning it has been very well to me, (kind of dick-ish, don’t you think?) I asked if there was any possibility we could talk, he replied “yeah I have some of your stuff so we could talk then” of course my heart sank. That wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Eventually we set up a day to meet up (two days after those texts) so when we met up, it had officially been a day over a week we broke up.

 

I wrote him a very heart touching letter, I gave it to him. He said “that was very thoughtful of you, thank you.” he just seemed so cold, distant. I didn’t understand how someone I was so close with, so in love with, shared absolutely everything with, could just shut me out? He basically didn’t want to try to be friends. I still didn’t understand why he could just shut me out like that. It’s seriously not like him. I actually don’t even feel like I know him anymore.

 

So basically, after we talked I texted him the next morning letting him know I hope he keeps my letter and hopefully one day down the road we can talk again, yadda yadda yadda and he just says “well see but for now goodbye. enjoy your life.”

 

I just don’t know why he is doing this to me. I didn’t do anything horrible to him. We were both committed, loyal, we both had plans on moving out together soon.

 

I just don’t understand him…

[hestheone66]

I'm very sorry to hear that your relationship has ended.

 

He's obviously moved on and in time you will come to see that what you see as coldness in his part is actually kindness.

He hasn't ignored you, but is showing you very clearly that he's moving on and not allowing you false hopes.

Yes it is very hard on you. The companionship and constancy of another special person is hard to get over, but it is easier when you're not hoping to get back together. He's not stringing you along.

Take comfort that he's cruel to be kind.

A lot of guys are good at cutting contact. They are more pragmatic then a lot of women. I think they figure if there is no project if a sexual relationship then there's no point stating friends.

I wish you well in your healing. Don't dwell on what you could have done to 'keep' him.. things that are meant to be, are.

[Satu]

snip

*I just don’t know why he is doing this to me. **I didn’t do anything horrible to him. We were both committed, loyal, we both had plans on moving out together soon.

 

I just don’t understand him…

 

Sorry that you're hurting.

 

*The truth is, he isn't "doing this to you."

 

You're not a victim.

 

He's examined his thoughts and feelings, and for whatever reason of his own, has come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. That's a right that everyone has. What his precise reasons are, doesn't really matter, because his mind is made up.

 

The decision he made is neither right nor wrong.

 

Its just him exercising his right to choose.

 

**You didn't have to do anything horrible to him.

 

That choice wasn't an act of aggression, and you're not a victim.

 

You are very unhappy with the decision he made, and thats perfectly understandable, but it would actually be much better for you, if you simply respect his decision.

 

Holding on creates tremendous hurt.

 

Let him go, and move on into the next phase of your life.

 

 

Take care.

[aloneinaz]

I agree what the others are saying. He's chosen to end the relationship with you and you're struggling to accept it. We've all been there. Now, you have to accept his decision, let go of your hope and stop contacting him.

 

It appears you've exchanged each other's things which is good. You should read the NC thread and only now worry about you and your healing. Continuing to contact him is a fruitless exercise in creating pain and suffering for yourself. The sooner you can accept this news you didn't want, the sooner you will start to heal.

 

I agree with you OP. It's odd that you can be best friends, pals, intimate and love each other one day. Then the next you're broken up. It's hard for all of us to navigate through it. Sadly, it just comes with relationships.

 

Stick around on this site and read the threads. Lots of good information is being shared.

[audreyside]

I am currently trying NC. On day 4.

 

Things have been a little rocky between us the past few months. Nothing we couldn't work through. I am taking advantage of this time to sit and reflect why it came to this point.

 

You see, this isn't the first time we broke up. The first time we broke up was in may, and was only for two days. He said he wanted me to "realize" a few things. Its hard to explain, but I was having a hard time with work relations, family issues, friend issues etc. He wanted to show me he was there for me, and he felt by breaking up with me it would open my eyes more.

 

It did.

 

But, the issues in my life still continued. He was there for me through it all, I feel as if I overloaded him with my stress. He never expressed these things to me. I wish he had. I feel we would've been able to work on things if we had proper communication. I know that he loved and cared for me very deeply. There's not a doubt in my mind about that.

 

I believe by me cutting contact right now will truly give me time to heal myself. Focus on my goals and aspects.

 

I want to get to the point where I am okay with any outcome. The break up is still fresh, so of course it's hard for me to just move on. I believe right now it is for the better. That's for sure.

 

It also doesn't help out three year anniversary would be tomorrow. That definitely tears me up.

[marky00]

I am currently trying NC. On day 4.

 

 

 

 

You see, this isn't the first time we broke up. The first time we broke up was in may, and was only for two days. He said he wanted me to "realize" a few things. Its hard to explain, but I was having a hard time with work relations, family issues, friend issues etc. He wanted to show me he was there for me, and he felt by breaking up with me it would open my eyes more.

 

It did.

 

But, the issues in my life still continued. He was there for me through it all, I feel as if I overloaded him with my stress. He never expressed these things to me. I wish he had. I feel we would've been able to work on things if we had proper communication. I know that he loved and cared for me very deeply. There's not a doubt in my mind about that.

 

 

.

 

 

I hear you. Exact same thing happened to me. Its a common story told by dumpees.

 

 

It really sucks when issues outside the relationship affect you as a person. When those issues are significant, its impossible for it not to affect the relationship.

 

 

Your right but, the bit that annoys me is that she never said anything... in fact I would often ask if she was ok because I knew I was in a rough patch.

 

 

And because they sit back and watch you drown, the resentment just builds up more.

 

 

The lesson I took out of it was no matter how emotionally unavailable your partner is, sit them down and tell them what issues your facing (even if you know it will make their eyes rolls). Tell them that until you let them know otherwise, these issues are present but that they are a temporary phenomenon. Then, don't bring it up again or at least not regularly.

 

 

I definitely feel for you because you know it was temporary and you knew you could make things right once you were out of it.

 

 

Maybe another mature way of handling these situations is to ask your partner for a break. Yes its a huge risk but at least they don't witness your downward spiral which is hard for them to remove from their mind in the future.

 

 

In my case, my dog got sick (100 percent deaf after an operation) which lead to me having to become a full-time carer and still run my business, I was having some big arguments with my father and getting into arguments with my neighbours due to behavioural issues from my dog as a result of his deafness. Some of family had left the city so there was no help forth coming. It was just the perfect storm that de-railed me. Yes, I could have put my dog down sooner and that may have salvaged the relationship but then again maybe not.

 

 

You said you feel like you loaded him up with stress. Maybe you did but then again maybe not. I find in relationships we have a 6th sense when our partner is willing to listen to a problem. I think after a while you figuring out he was getting tired of hearing it. So you started internalising it which then makes things even more unhealthy. Its really being caught between a rock and a hard place. You say nothing and then they break-up because you changed or you try to explain but then you look a little needy and clingy. Its a no-win situation.

Edited September 28, 2016 by marky00

[audreyside]

Yess!!! Exactly!!

 

I felt a break would have been good for us. It would have given us space and time to reflect.

 

But the thing is, this is both of our first long-term relationships.

 

We were good with eachother. Like I truly felt connected on every level with him.

 

My feelings are constantly up and down. Yesterday I was fine ALL day at work. Maybe it's because it's a major distraction.

But when I got home, I felt good enough to where I didn't have to distract myself, so i watched some tv.

 

Big mistake. I ended up getting WAY to into my feelings and broke down.

 

Today I feel much better. More confident. Confident that things will work themselves out. Because I'm just a firm believer in "if it's meant to be, it will be"

 

I know I'll feel much better in a month. It's a day to day process. i strongly believe it's too soon to completely move on. I'm moving on in a sense of bettering myself and healing myself.

 

On another note, he's said he thinks it's "unhealthy" to be friends after a relationship. i understand that completely. I do.

 

Call me crazy, but I have been reading up A LOT about NC. Yesterday I felt really upset and felt hopeless about it. Today for some reason I feel much better. I don't know.

[marky00]

Well because it was his first relationship, that explains his actions. It was my ex's first as well.

 

 

Have to be mindful when its your partner's first because they don't have the best relationship skills and also don't fully get the concept that its not cool to pack up and leave when your partner is in a rut. Problem is, they only figure this out when one day when they get dumped.

 

 

Just keep posting here. So far you are doing all the right things..... keep it up. And yes NC seems so daunting. Just set yourself some small targets for now. Its easier to cope if you do it that way sometimes.

Edited September 28, 2016 by marky00

[audreyside]

Basically I'm afraid he'll realize how much happier he is without me because things got a little rocky near the end. I don't want him to remember us arguing(we didn't argue often). I want him to remember we were strong together and pulled through a lot. I just want him to remember the good times, and the good about our relationship. Because we were great together.

 

We weren't jealous, unfaithful, or lie to each other. We laughed a lot. We talked about future goals, and he always wanted to know my stance on what we are doing to get ourselves together to move out soon.

 

Right now I truly don't feel like it's the right time to work things out because I'm still working on myself and figuring things out. So I'm alright with not speaking right now because it would set me back honestly.

[marky00]

Basically I'm afraid he'll realize how much happier he is without me because things got a little rocky near the end. I don't want him to remember us arguing(we didn't argue often). I want him to remember we were strong together and pulled through a lot. I just want him to remember the good times, and the good about our relationship. Because we were great together.

 

We weren't jealous, unfaithful, or lie to each other. We laughed a lot. We talked about future goals, and he always wanted to know my stance on what we are doing to get ourselves together to move out soon.

 

Right now I truly don't feel like it's the right time to work things out because I'm still working on myself and figuring things out. So I'm alright with not speaking right now because it would set me back honestly.

 

I like your thinking, you are right in all you say.

 

 

I know what you mean about the fact that because you weren't at your best, that's the lasting impression. I still have that mindset often even months after my breakup. But at the end of the day, the entire relationship needs to be evaluated, not just the last few months where things got tough.

 

 

Most dumpers often report that after a few months of NC, they start to only remember the good memories as they heal with NC as well.

[aloneinaz]

You sound like you're doing fine. You're able to work, function and enjoy TV. Of course you'll have good days and bad days. Just power through them and look forward, not backward.

 

Just a couple of additional thoughts. The fact that this R/S has already suffered two breakups and it's the first real relationship for you both is an ominous sign. Healthy, loving, mutually satisfying R/S's don't incur break ups, especially multiples. Everyone has their first love/relationship. Rarely do they last. People need to date lots of different people to see what they like and don't like potential partners before ever considering a marriage. My Mom use to say that "people need to sow their oats". There's a lot of truth in that.

 

Just keep yourself busy. In all likelihood, a month could pass and your clarity may allow you to say to yourself "it's a good thing it ended. It ran it's course, I wish him well but need to move forward and date others". Many people feel that way after the initial emotions settle down.