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Not broken up yet, but scared for possibility.


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My boyfriend and I (both 28) have been dating for almost 2years. We’re both Christians and believe in God, but still have different values and morals. We’ve been through a lot together (motorcycle accident,death of a friend, etc.) After many months of being together, there have been things about each other that have come to light (I have anxiety, he has anger)and has become a burden for us.

 

I have anxiety about giving him space and he gets angry (verbally says mean things to get me to leave), because I won’t just leave (we lived 2 floors away from each other in our apt complex). After sometime living there, I realized it wasn’t healthy for us and my brother and I decided to move in together 20 min away from my boyfriend. He has been very unhappy about this move and feels as if I’m taking a step backwards in our relationship. I feel the space will be helpful and healthy, but he’s not having it. He tries to come to grips with it, but days later will remind me how much he hates this decision I made.

 

So, in the moment he’ll be unhappy/argumentative/difficult,but then later realize and try to come around and see me or text me. I understand men and women think differently and need their space (HIM) when others want to talk instantly (ME). I can understand how frustrating it would be for me to get in his face and not leave when he just needs his space for awhile. I do need to add that we love each other very much and although he may say he doesn’t care and that whatever happens, happens. I know that when it comes down to it, we do not want to lose each other. But I’m at a point where I want to be pursued and this move will either make us or break us.

 

He’s constantly talking about how he doesn’t agree with me moving and I made the wrong decision, but I’m in a lease now, I can’t do anything about that. I know we want to be together, but I’m just at a loss. I’ve started to distance myself, because I’m scared of what the outcome might be. I hate just waiting to see what happens. Needless to say, I need some advice and help from the outside world.

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Sorry but i see this as playing games....how old are you two? Healthy couples discuss and convey their needs and find solutions, not up and move to see if the other will follow and if not, begin to distance themselves.

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DrReplyInRhymes
But I’m at a point where I want to be pursued and this move will either make us or break us.

 

So, at the precipice of change, and arguably the Achilles heel of your problem,

Your solution was to move out, see if he chases you, then distance yourself after he couldn't solve 'em?

Unless you were my wife, or a woman I couldn't see myself without....

I don't see this being a very successful plan, but it's definitely an out...

Edited by DrReplyInRhymes
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I don't really get why you moved out if you wanted to continue the relationship, to be honest.

 

There is a significant difference between giving someone space and moving out altogether, with the expectation that he pursue you. You sent a pretty clear message that you don't want to be pursued.

 

I'm not suggesting he has the right to blow up and tell you to leave, don't get me wrong. If you felt unwanted and unloved, you could have just ended the relationship and you have been quite right to do so in that case. But if you both wished to continue the relationship, then moving out is counter-productive. In my opinion, anyway.

 

Distancing yourself now is a surefire way to get what you fear most. You two really need to work on your communication skills if you want a chance at a future together. Running in the other direction isn't going to work.

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I'm not understanding this. You said you two were not good at living together and it was unhealthy. You also said he says mean things to get you to leave.

 

How is having "space" away from each other going to fix what appears to be incompatibility with each other? From what you posted, your instincts were it wasn't working out with him, thus you moved away.

 

If you can't get along at only two years together, how are you going to get along in the future? I think you should consider the fact that you two are not a good fit and end it.

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I guess I should clarify that we never lived together. I didn't want to before marriage and knew that from the beginning. We lived very close together, but I didn't like my apt and my brother and I wanted to move in together. So my apt now is 20 min away. I feel like we have our own individual things we need to work on. We spent pretty much every moment together and I felt like we needed a little space, individual days to ourselves, friends, etc. But now since I'm not there every moment, he's upset and holding it over my head that I moved.

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DrReplyInRhymes
We spent pretty much every moment together and I felt like we needed a little space, individual days to ourselves, friends, etc.

 

Must be nice making decisions that affect two people's romantic lives all by yourself. If you felt stifled, but he liked the constant ...well, what he felt was.... cohesiveness, then that's a different matter altogether. Moving out to address this issue is like using napalm to get rid of ants in your home! Sure, no more ants, but additionally, no more home!

 

Does he even know you wanted him to chase?

Or, are you just looking to break up with him and don't want to be the instigator of such actions?

 

Needless to say, I need some advice and help from the outside world.

I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish? Are you trying to be single?

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I guess I should clarify that we never lived together. I didn't want to before marriage and knew that from the beginning. We lived very close together, but I didn't like my apt and my brother and I wanted to move in together. So my apt now is 20 min away. I feel like we have our own individual things we need to work on. We spent pretty much every moment together and I felt like we needed a little space, individual days to ourselves, friends, etc. But now since I'm not there every moment, he's upset and holding it over my head that I moved.

 

I'll only say that these problems or issues you both are having continue to speak to a much broader issue which is incompatibility. The other poster was on point in saying you too should have sat down like adults and aired things out prior to you moving 20 minutes away. His maturity and anger issues are screaming red flags as well.

 

I think it's time you really assess the overall health of that relationship to see if it's worth the effort to continue forward. Healthy, loving and mutually rewarding R/S's don't include that BS that you both are dealing with.

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Must be nice making decisions that affect two people's romantic lives all by yourself. If you felt stifled, but he liked the constant ...well, what he felt was.... cohesiveness, then that's a different matter altogether. Moving out to address this issue is like using napalm to get rid of ants in your home! Sure, no more ants, but additionally, no more home!

 

Does he even know you wanted him to chase?

Or, are you just looking to break up with him and don't want to be the instigator of such actions?

 

 

I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish? Are you trying to be single?

 

 

 

 

 

Not at all, in fact I would love to make this work. Like I said before, we never lived together, just near each other. We had been having fighting issues and I felt like it was because we spent every moment with each other. The move wasn't soley based on our relationship, but on the fact that my friends are there, my brother lives there, and I didn't think 20 minutes was going to make that big of difference. I see now that I should've sat down with him and discussed it. I want to make this work, but he continues to get upset that I've moved almost every time I see him. We're getting together tonight and going to talk about everything. I'm just very nervous of the outcome. I thought I was making a healthy decision for both of us and giving us a chance to survive with some space.

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I guess I should clarify that we never lived together. I didn't want to before marriage and knew that from the beginning. We lived very close together, but I didn't like my apt and my brother and I wanted to move in together. So my apt now is 20 min away. I feel like we have our own individual things we need to work on. We spent pretty much every moment together and I felt like we needed a little space, individual days to ourselves, friends, etc. But now since I'm not there every moment, he's upset and holding it over my head that I moved.

 

Okay, you mentioned your Christian beliefs, (me too in a big way) however let's try not to hide behind this....were you two intimate? If so, aren't you playing with words here...living together and being intimate pre-marriage are diametrically opposed to your beliefs you mentioned in your earlier post. I get it....I personally think you wanted a bit more independence that what you had living below him however communication and reassurance would have help avoid this relationship threatening decision. Was the only alternative to move 20 minutes away? Could you have moved down the block? Have you told your BF that you weren't feeling desired and needed him to step up and help you feel more loved and wanted. These are some of the things that hold a relationship together, not running away under the cloak of Christian beliefs and "needing space". BTW the phrase of "needing space" have a very different connotation when mentioned with reference to relationships. Typically means, trial break up....

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DrReplyInRhymes
Not at all, in fact I would love to make this work. Like I said before, we never lived together, just near each other. We had been having fighting issues and I felt like it was because we spent every moment with each other. The move wasn't soley based on our relationship, but on the fact that my friends are there, my brother lives there, and I didn't think 20 minutes was going to make that big of difference. I see now that I should've sat down with him and discussed it. I want to make this work, but he continues to get upset that I've moved almost every time I see him. We're getting together tonight and going to talk about everything. I'm just very nervous of the outcome. I thought I was making a healthy decision for both of us and giving us a chance to survive with some space.

 

What's wrong with spending every waking moment together? Some people find this cute, or affectionate, and it works for them.

 

Others, possibly like you, like more of an independent lifestyle. That's great too!

 

What is he supposed to think?

 

Relationship is getting strained. Girl moves out 20 minutes away. Guy doesn't like it, but she's already signed the new lease. (no discussion, making decisions for him....that affected BOTH of you in a big way!) Asking for space, with no regard to his own opinion in the relationship that he's in, is kind of interchangeable with "we're breaking up".

 

 

edit:

Did I miss where she mentioned how she lived below him?

Edited by DrReplyInRhymes
EDIT: what kgcolonel said
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Okay, you mentioned your Christian beliefs, (me too in a big way) however let's try not to hide behind this....were you two intimate? If so, aren't you playing with words here...living together and being intimate pre-marriage are diametrically opposed to your beliefs you mentioned in your earlier post. I get it....I personally think you wanted a bit more independence that what you had living below him however communication and reassurance would have help avoid this relationship threatening decision. Was the only alternative to move 20 minutes away? Could you have moved down the block? Have you told your BF that you weren't feeling desired and needed him to step up and help you feel more loved and wanted. These are some of the things that hold a relationship together, not running away under the cloak of Christian beliefs and "needing space". BTW the phrase of "needing space" have a very different connotation when mentioned with reference to relationships. Typically means, trial break up....

 

 

 

 

You're right and the more I'm thinking about this, I made a rash decision. We didn't live together, just close to each other. We have had many talks about him needing to work on things and me as well and I didn't feel as though those things could be really worked at being so close together. The 20 min away is where my family and friends live and where my brother works. So ultimately, I was really trying to help him out. From moving, he has stated that it makes him not want to pursue me and he doesn't feel like he can do this for a year.

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You lived 2 floors below him?

 

oh...

 

Right.. trust me I feel like I made a mistake. But I'm in a lease now, trying to still see him, but maintain a healthy life with friends, family. We've got in some big fights before and because we lived so close, it made things so easy to just get in each other's faces. Things have been so heated, that he's broken up in the moment and we've worked it out later. This is why I thought space would be great for healing and maintaining healthy lifestyles.. we're going to talk tonight, I'm just nervous and having a hard time not regretting moving.

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I thought I was making a healthy decision for both of us

 

This is called a unilateral decision. And there is no place for unilateral decisions in a healthy relationship. Decisions which effect both of you must be made by both of you.

 

I also don't understand why you needed to move away from him to give him space. Why not take some nights to yourself while living in the same apartment building? That said, if being together too often was driving you both crazy, how do you think a marriage would work?

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This is called a unilateral decision. And there is no place for unilateral decisions in a healthy relationship. Decisions which effect both of you must be made by both of you.

 

I also don't understand why you needed to move away from him to give him space. Why not take some nights to yourself while living in the same apartment building? That said, if being together too often was driving you both crazy, how do you think a marriage would work?

 

 

 

I agree, I should've made that decision with him. And I should've taken nights to myself or just moved in the same neighborhood (I hated my apt), but I made this decision and have to sit in it. I do really like my new place, but am regretting it. We have our own individual issues that we both know we need to work on, it wasn't that we didn't want to spend time together. They were personality differences, which yes, could be ultimately us breaking up. But in my head, moving was a hopeful option to us surviving.

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He wants his space so you moved out and now he's complaining? He can't have it both ways. I think things will just go as they are meant to now - if you break up you break up. It sounds like he wasn't appreciating you enough. I can't see how you could do the right thing in this situation. If a man wants space, then give him space.

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He wants his space so you moved out and now he's complaining? He can't have it both ways. I think things will just go as they are meant to now - if you break up you break up. It sounds like he wasn't appreciating you enough. I can't see how you could do the right thing in this situation. If a man wants space, then give him space.

 

 

You're right, but I'm now realizing him wanting space was for me to give him space when we were in the midst of arguing. Not moving away for a year, granted it's only 20 min away. I've only moved for a week, so hopefully things clear up, but I'm not sure. I am going to his place tonight to talk about this, so I'm nervous about it.

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DrReplyInRhymes
He wants his space so you moved out and now he's complaining? He can't have it both ways. I think things will just go as they are meant to now - if you break up you break up. It sounds like he wasn't appreciating you enough. I can't see how you could do the right thing in this situation. If a man wants space, then give him space.

 

She wanted space. He didn't.

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She wanted space. He didn't.

 

 

Yes and no. When we fought, he wanted me to leave and give him space. He would get very upset when I wouldn't leave, when he asked me to. Hence the anxiety on my part and the anger on his part. I thought moving would be a healthy choice.

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OP, if you weren't even living together and you felt that moving was the best choice, how on earth would a long-term, live-in relationship be possible with the two of you?

 

I think there are bigger problems with compatibility here. And I think your boyfriend is seeing it, too.

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I sometimes wonder why this site exists.

 

 

So many come here same story. Same ending every time. The reason people come here is because they know at that point their relationship is beyond repair. We have a gut feeling when its salvageable and that is why those folks don't come to this site at this time. Sadly, we all here just doing post-mortems. If you want to hear about reconciliations look elsewhere where relationships didn't reach the point of no repair, no point looking at this site.

 

 

It just gets depressing to watch thousands of people come here asking the same questions.

 

 

Maybe the site should forward to a URL that simply says:

 

 

ITS OVER..... LIFE IS A B******CH......MOVE ON OR DON'T MOVE ON....

Edited by marky00
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I sometimes wonder why this site exists.

 

 

So many come here same story. Same ending every time. The reason people come here is because they know at that point their relationship is beyond repair. We have a gut feeling when its salvageable and that is why those folks don't come to this site at this time. Sadly, we all here just doing post-mortems. If you want to hear about reconciliations look elsewhere where relationships didn't reach the point of no repair, no point looking at this site.

 

 

It just gets depressing to watch thousands of people come here asking the same questions.

 

 

Maybe the site should forward to a URL that simply says:

 

 

ITS OVER..... LIFE IS A B******CH......MOVE ON OR DON'T MOVE ON....

 

The other big trend on this site is the amount of folks who need to address their poor self esteem. Far too many people post here hoping someone will agree that the person who dumped them will come back. They cling to the hope that they have a chance to get back together. When we peel back the layers on their relationship, it clearly illustrates that it was unhealthy, toxic and should of ended long before.

 

We are all our guilty of staying in these dysfunctional relationships at some point in our lives for various reasons. My off/on time in participating on this site has shown time and again, the most underlying reasons people stay in or want to continue in an unhealthy relationship, especially after being dumped was due to-

 

*Very low self esteem

*Poor confidence in themselves

*Fear of not finding someone else

 

There are many success stories as well. Many folks come to this site and learn about NC and the other strategies to navigate through a terrible break up. The folks that do the best are the ones who understand relationships end. They accept that and learn NC is the fastest means of recovery. They heal from the pain and hurt and eventually move on and meet someone new. The ones that don't understand NC and continue on w/limited contact are the ones posting so frequently about the games, bs, bread crumps, etc. They don't do a clean break to allow out of site, out of mind to help them heal.

 

I learned a lot from the contributors and this site as do many others. I think it's a good resource.

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The other big trend on this site is the amount of folks who need to address their poor self esteem. Far too many people post here hoping someone will agree that the person who dumped them will come back. They cling to the hope that they have a chance to get back together. When we peel back the layers on their relationship, it clearly illustrates that it was unhealthy, toxic and should of ended long before.

 

We are all our guilty of staying in these dysfunctional relationships at some point in our lives for various reasons. My off/on time in participating on this site has shown time and again, the most underlying reasons people stay in or want to continue in an unhealthy relationship, especially after being dumped was due to-

 

*Very low self esteem

*Poor confidence in themselves

*Fear of not finding someone else

 

There are many success stories as well. Many folks come to this site and learn about NC and the other strategies to navigate through a terrible break up. The folks that do the best are the ones who understand relationships end. They accept that and learn NC is the fastest means of recovery. They heal from the pain and hurt and eventually move on and meet someone new. The ones that don't understand NC and continue on w/limited contact are the ones posting so frequently about the games, bs, bread crumps, etc. They don't do a clean break to allow out of site, out of mind to help them heal.

 

I learned a lot from the contributors and this site as do many others. I think it's a good resource.

 

Agree to disagree.

 

 

I don't have low self-esteem and I am starting to form a relationship with another girl who in all honesty is an upgrade anyway.

 

 

I am just super pissed I was blind-sided and invested so much of myself in a relationship that is no more.

 

 

We are all different. You have your experiences and I have mine. Saying a dumpee who clings to an old relationship has low self-esteem is a generalisation that isn't always true. I agree it may look that way to an outsider and to the dumper but that doesn't make it true.

 

 

That's like saying every nasty thing the dumper said about you is true. Not at all. Perceptions are feelings and are not facts.

 

 

I am just super pissed I propped someone up for may years and the minute I hit a rough spot and she moves up the corporate ladder, she leaves. Of course someone's self-esteem will take a hit from that but it doesn't mean their self-esteem is in tatters long-term.

 

 

But you confirmed my point. People keep giving out advise but many don't listen. I think it is somehow due to the way the advise is delivered. When someone is in an emotional place, they will block out talk that is just 100 percent logical. People need to figure it out for themselves or get advise that for the most part is logical but is delivered with an empathetic stance.

 

 

NC is definitely a vital tool in healing but not everyone can and will reach total indifference. MightyCPA used to post here for years and admitted even after all that time he never reached complete indifference.

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