Sometime it is ok to accept that you won't ever truly get over it.....

[Pete2304]

Despite the title, bear with me.....

 

I'm here because of a torrid ten year abusive, sham of a marriage that's torn me apart in every way but, I've had dreams and thoughts on and off for years about a girl who I was with all through school and for a few years after until we eventually split at 21/22 , I'm 31 now.

 

I won't ever, ever get over her but that's ok. There's a place in my heart for her but we split amicably and every once in a while I still miss her but that pain has long since gone.

 

I think for the people here who are hurting but yet know deep down that the best thing to do is split up, there's every chance one day you will be able to look back and smile at the memories. I ended up getting back in touch with the girl in question over the last couple of months and although she's on the other side of the world we email once in a while and just laugh without any regret or either of

Us trying to rectify the situation.

 

In truth, I don't think any of us ever truly get over a good relationship and that's ok, the bad ones though....they are the ones that need getting over and they are the ones that so much help on here seems to be geared towards but it's ok to cry, it's ok to remember and reminisce. It's ok to play sad songs and have a beer or two too many once in a while. Ten years later I've not gotten over my first love and I suspect I never will, but you get to be ok with it in the end I think.

 

My wife who is an utter disgrace of a woman and has broken me completely.....I suspect in ten years time I won't give her a second thought but probably still have the odd nice thought or hear a song and smile and think about my first love and that's how it should be.

[preraph]

Enjoying memories is not the same as not getting over. You are entitled to any good memories you are able to salvage from your life.

[Satu]

I sum up my life in three words:

 

 

"Its all good."

 

 

That includes having Tuberculosis twice, and some genuinely traumatic experiences.

 

 

Amor Fati

 

"Amor fati is a Latin phrase that may be loosely translated as "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good or, at the very least, necessary, in that they are among the facts of one's life and existence, so they are always necessarily there whether one likes them or not. Moreover, amor fati is characterized by an acceptance of the events or situations that occur in one's life. This acceptance does not necessarily preclude an attempt at change or improvement, but rather, it can be seen to be along the lines of what Nietzsche means by the concept of "eternal recurrence": a sense of contentment with one's life and an acceptance of it, such that one could live exactly the same life, in all its minute details, over and over for all eternity."

"I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: some day I wish to be only a Yes-sayer."

 

- Friedrich Nietzsche

 

(It is important to note that Nietzsche in this context refers to the "Yes-sayer", not in a political or social sense, but as a person who is capable of uncompromising acceptance of reality per se.)

 

 

Take care.

[NopeNah]

I sum up my life in three words:

 

 

"Its all good."

 

 

That includes having Tuberculosis twice, and some genuinely traumatic experiences.

 

 

Amor Fati

 

"Amor fati is a Latin phrase that may be loosely translated as "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good or, at the very least, necessary, in that they are among the facts of one's life and existence, so they are always necessarily there whether one likes them or not. Moreover, amor fati is characterized by an acceptance of the events or situations that occur in one's life. This acceptance does not necessarily preclude an attempt at change or improvement, but rather, it can be seen to be along the lines of what Nietzsche means by the concept of "eternal recurrence": a sense of contentment with one's life and an acceptance of it, such that one could live exactly the same life, in all its minute details, over and over for all eternity."

"I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: some day I wish to be only a Yes-sayer."

 

- Friedrich Nietzsche

 

(It is important to note that Nietzsche in this context refers to the "Yes-sayer", not in a political or social sense, but as a person who is capable of uncompromising acceptance of reality per se.)

 

 

Take care.

 

You're always pretty deep in your posting style but, DAMN! Nice way to put it! Had never heard that phrase. Loving it!

[Pete2304]

Not sure I agree. It's not all good, as you know from some of the issues you've had. I've had cancer, that's wasn't good and whilst yes, Que Sera Sera I don think having an attitude that everything is positive is necessarily healthy. Cancer was rubbish, being cheated on was rubbish, being in an abusive relationship for ten years was rubbish, getting drunk and texting your boss at 3am to tell him he's an arse hole is rubbish! Not everything is good and wearing a positivity mask 24/7 isn't a great idea I don't think.

 

That was kind of my original point, being sad is ok as is being happy. But it is ok to grieve for a relationship and it is ok to never forget just as long as you can stop it consuming you. That's the bit that I think people gain more than anything from here. Vent, get it off your chest but you don't have to forget.

[preraph]

It becomes less intense once you move on with life and just keep working at having a social life and good life experiences.

[LancasterAmos1966]

I suspect in ten years time I won't give her a second thought but probably still have the odd nice thought or hear a song and smile and think about my first love and that's how it should be.

 

You are exactly correct Pete....that's how it should be.

 

There's no way that I'm going to throw away 20 years of memories just because my estranged wife decided she was no longer interested living with me. I probably won't ever trust her again, but that has nothing to do with those first 20 years.

 

I talked to an older friend years ago about losing his wife of 50 years to cancer. He insisted that he will never get over her passing away. He said that he will move forward in life, but he will never get over the loss.

 

And then I've talked to at least one person that insists they will hate their ex-spouse for the rest of their life.

 

For some reason, separation/divorce causes some different sentiments compared to a spouse passing away. It seems bitterness, anger, hatred, wishing them bad luck, etc. is more the normal response towards the spouse that wants a divorce.

 

Yes, I understand the emotion of anger, I understand that it hurts to lose dreams, companionship, etc., but to tell a former spouse to "drop dead" or some other evil statement is just mind-boggling to me.

 

Anyway, I agree with you that I'll "still have the odd nice thought or hear a song and smile and think about my first love and that's how it should be."

[NopeNah]

You are exactly correct Pete....that's how it should be.

 

There's no way that I'm going to throw away 20 years of memories just because my estranged wife decided she was no longer interested living with me. I probably won't ever trust her again, but that has nothing to do with those first 20 years.

 

I talked to an older friend years ago about losing his wife of 50 years to cancer. He insisted that he will never get over her passing away. He said that he will move forward in life, but he will never get over the loss.

 

And then I've talked to at least one person that insists they will hate their ex-spouse for the rest of their life.

 

For some reason, separation/divorce causes some different sentiments compared to a spouse passing away. It seems bitterness, anger, hatred, wishing them bad luck, etc. is more the normal response towards the spouse that wants a divorce.

 

Yes, I understand the emotion of anger, I understand that it hurts to lose dreams, companionship, etc., but to tell a former spouse to "drop dead" or some other evil statement is just mind-boggling to me.

 

Anyway, I agree with you that I'll "still have the odd nice thought or hear a song and smile and think about my first love and that's how it should be."

I despise my ex wife! I would not shed one tear or even care if she died. However..my recent ex(I ended it)..I will always love and cherish what we had together. Good,bad,boring,great days..ALL of them!

[Satu]

Not sure I agree. It's not all good, as you know from some of the issues you've had. I've had cancer, that's wasn't good and whilst yes, Que Sera Sera I don think having an attitude that everything is positive is necessarily healthy. Cancer was rubbish, being cheated on was rubbish, being in an abusive relationship for ten years was rubbish, getting drunk and texting your boss at 3am to tell him he's an arse hole is rubbish! Not everything is good and wearing a positivity mask 24/7 isn't a great idea I don't think.

 

That was kind of my original point, being sad is ok as is being happy. But it is ok to grieve for a relationship and it is ok to never forget just as long as you can stop it consuming you. That's the bit that I think people gain more than anything from here. Vent, get it off your chest but you don't have to forget.

 

Its all about how you look at things. When I look back on having TB, coughing up blood and taking the 5 strongest antibiotics for six months, I do not see it as a bad thing. Its just what life served up for me. Some get a broken leg, some get TB, some get a cold. Nobody gets nothing.

 

I'm glad that I am not one of the millions who died from TB this year.

 

Not dying makes me feel very alive.

 

So I know that I am not a victim. I have not been persecuted or handed a rotten fate.

 

Its just what happened to me, one small person in this ocean of 7 billion people.

 

And I'm absolutely OK with it.

 

There's no point not being OK with it, because no matter what anyone may do, it can't be made to unhappen.

 

At least if I get TB again, I'll know what to do

 

 

Take care.

Edited September 25, 2016 by Satu

[LancasterAmos1966]

I despise my ex wife!

 

She must have hurt you very deeply.

[NopeNah]

She must have hurt you very deeply.

 

Oh the stories I could tell,my friend! I'd need to start my own website.

[LancasterAmos1966]

So I know that I am not a victim. I have not been persecuted or handed a rotten fate.

 

Its just what happened to me, one small person in this ocean of 7 billion people.

 

And I'm absolutely OK with it.

 

At least if I get TB again, I'll know what to do

 

 

Satu, you have a great attitude.

 

There's a bible verse that comes to my mind: In every thing give thanks.

 

This doesn't mean we are to give thanks for disease, divorce, etc.....but rather we are to still find reasons to be thankful in spite of things going bad.

 

And then a non-bible quote that we have all heard: Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it's about learning to dance in the rain.

[Pete2304]

The point I was making guys, and I think most understood is that not all relationships end horrifically, not always must we move on completely and forget. I've read many wonderful, helpful and in many cases dreadfully sad posts on here both from new users seeking some sort of absolution and from those who in fact seem to be able to take some solace in trying to be a friendly ear for others.

 

I've very rarely (in fact come to think, not sure I've seen any) posts saying that it's ok to cry. There are some events in life that won't fix, ever and I sometimes wonder if maybe on here it might be ok to let someone talk and accept that in some cases the life of the poster won't actually ever be the same again. It might well end up being better than it was before the relationship but there will be people on here who no matter how many times they're told that things will get better and they must be tough, in fact won't fix completely.

 

Then of course there are the relationships I was meaning in the first place, the nice ones that just didn't work. But they are worth remembering, we don't have to dispel every old memory.

 

Right, off to watch the worst two candidates in American history have a row that an old married couple would be proud of!!

 

P.S please nobody reply to the debate comment, I know this isn't the right thread nor to be honest, do I have the energy! The rest of it, feel free to chat back.

[aloneinaz]

I'm not sure what value there is in embracing a defeatist attitude. Many people are married for 2-3 decades to their life partner. They really are best friends and love each other to death. Sadly, one dies of cancer, a car accident or other disease.

 

They understand this happens and you risk losing someone that you adore. The vast majority of them heal from their loss and then move on and find their next love. They don't sit home having a pity party for themselves the rest of their lives. Life if far to short for that and to be alone for the wrong reasons.

[NopeNah]

The point I was making guys, and I think most understood is that not all relationships end horrifically, not always must we move on completely and forget. I've read many wonderful, helpful and in many cases dreadfully sad posts on here both from new users seeking some sort of absolution and from those who in fact seem to be able to take some solace in trying to be a friendly ear for others.

 

I've very rarely (in fact come to think, not sure I've seen any) posts saying that it's ok to cry. There are some events in life that won't fix, ever and I sometimes wonder if maybe on here it might be ok to let someone talk and accept that in some cases the life of the poster won't actually ever be the same again. It might well end up being better than it was before the relationship but there will be people on here who no matter how many times they're told that things will get better and they must be tough, in fact won't fix completely.

 

Then of course there are the relationships I was meaning in the first place, the nice ones that just didn't work. But they are worth remembering, we don't have to dispel every old memory.

 

Right, off to watch the worst two candidates in American history have a row that an old married couple would be proud of!!

 

P.S please nobody reply to the debate comment, I know this isn't the right thread nor to be honest, do I have the energy! The rest of it, feel free to chat back.

Be sure and play the presidential debate drinking game(Google it)!

[Pete2304]

Ok, it's nearly time so will make this my last post for the evening. Drinking game.....I'm having that but since I'm home alone does it mean I have to play all three bits? Ah, stuff it, I'm English, we are good it.

 

Secondly, I didn't mean this post to be defeatist in nature and I don't think it is. Most advice on here is to be strong and forget and move on and in a lot of cases that's probably the best way but not always. Yes move on, but you don't have to stop thinking about the good times, and sometimes even the sad ones. It doesn't mean you are defeated in any way but without memories, what's the point. As people, our brains aren't chalk boards that can be wiped clean every time we start a new relationship, move to a new town or get a different job. Crying is ok, remembering is ok, smiling about an ex is ok, just so long as it's not all you do.

 

Night guys

[Pete2304]

Duplicate, sorry all. Haven't even started the drinking game yet either!!

Edited September 27, 2016 by Pete2304
Duplicate just needs deleting,

[Pete2304]

Be sure and play the presidential debate drinking game(Google it)!

 

I got take a shot every time Trump sniffs. I'm currently having my stomach pumped.

[Toodaloo]

Pete.

 

Its fine to cry. But when that misery and crying takes over. When you start to allow the things your ex did to affect your life choices and your self esteem, your future relationships then its a problem. It can become a BIG problem.

 

Its not healthy to drag baggage around.

 

I know this. I have been there. It wasn't until I let go that things started to get better.

 

Sometimes you have to learn how to cope, how to deal with everything else while your heart is healing so that you do not end up doing things like rebounding into abusive relationships, loosing your job because you were unreliable, loosing your home because you didn't pay the bills... It goes on.

 

Relationship breakdowns are one of the top reasons why people are homeless in the UK today. The others are drug addiction and mental health issues...

 

So allowing yourself to grieve is fine as long as you look after yourself during that time.

[NopeNah]

I got take a shot every time Trump sniffs. I'm currently having my stomach pumped.

 

The "take a shot every time Hillary fakes a smile" had me 'falling down'!