Time Doesn't Heal

[acscot2]

6 years ago, a breakup with my girlfriend of 2 years ago, left me extremely traumatized. I still feel devastated by everything, and there hasn't been a single day that has gone by where I don't become very angry.

 

I want to move on. On the surface, people seem to think I have everything going for me, but I can't seem to move beyond the anger. I am still hurting. I never would have imagined that I would still be in this much pain this many years later.

 

It SUCKS. And I had to rant.

[basil67]

Sorry to hear Ascot. What part of this continues to make you angry? Have you sought any counselling to help you let it go?

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack, Ascot2.

 

 

Here is a clip from my journal:

 

 

I absolutely don't believe that "Time heals all wounds."

 

I don't believe that time heals anything.

 

But I do believe that time spent on healing, heals most wounds.

 

 

Take care.

[acscot2]

Sorry to hear Ascot. What part of this continues to make you angry? Have you sought any counselling to help you let it go?

 

Yes. I have. It just won't go away.

 

I reject women instantaneously and have gotten to the point where I truly just don't care at all.

 

With no risk there is no reward. But there is also no chance of letting anyone ever do this to me again. Its not healthy, I know, but its all I got.

[Satu]

How did the breakup unfold?

 

What caused it?

[acscot2]

How did the breakup unfold?

 

What caused it?

 

She became distant, and was obviously caring less and less. Distance grew from my other friendships as they got relationships, married, and had kids. The most important of these relationships was my buddy since sixth grade whom had been my room mate for 4 years. He moved out rather suddenly and I was left with an empty apartment. No furniture, No TV, and no one around.

 

Around the same time my mother got sick with cancer, and I literally had no one to lean on. I was studying engineering, so I was extremely busy, but the increasing distance with my GF, an empty apartment, and a dying mother became too much and I became extremely depressed. I stopped going to class because I couldn't focus and eventually had to withdraw from my classes (I have gone back now and am almost finished).

 

This was leading up to the breakup, and when it all went down she was completely emotionless toward me. Like there was nothing there at all.

 

I moved back home to Phoenix to be with my mother until she passed away a few months later.

 

And we haven't had a conversation since. I have only said her name outloud maybe 5 times.

 

But information about some of the things she did post breakup trickled in periodically, and her behavior after the breakup is almost as damaging as the breakup itself. Turns out she is a terrible person.

 

People just think I am weird or gay now. Because I have just totally shoved off many women that most would consider desirable and relationship worthy. But again. I truly just don't care. It's not worth it.

 

that is the short version

Edited September 5, 2016 by acscot2

[Captivating]

Hi,

I am sorry for your loss!!!

 

Everybody is different so all relationships are different. Your past relationship will not determine the outcome of your future relationships.

You are obviously deeply affected by what happened. I understand it was a very hard time for you.

You don't necessarily have to be in a relationship to be happy.

I think you lost trust towards people, took things very personally and built a wall

around you not to get hurt again. Now you feel lonely and pessimistic.

 

It usually takes several relationships until you find the right person, the perfect fit.

Breakups are rarely easy, it is very hard to let someone go, regardless who broke it up.

 

You said that you realized through the breakup and through the events following the breakup that your ex is a terrible person. She was cold to you etc. It is a reflection on her, not you

It means that she wasn't the right fit for you and it might have been a blessing

that this didn't unfold years later when you guys might have been married with children.

 

My recommendation would be to start letting your guard down, be more open to talk to people, to get to know them. Without any expectations.

 

Your perception has a lot to do with how you feel. If you do want change then you need to change a little bit. You don't give a chance to any girls, unndeserved. The cold ex girlfriend created a "baggage" in you so that you give up the search for a potentially great girlfriend. It might takes you 30 coffee dates with women but eventually you will find someone incredible. You will.

It depends on what you want. You can be single and completely content and happy.

There are so many wonderful people out there.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like you went through a very rough period, OP.

 

Have you sought professional help? A good qualified and experienced therapist can likely help provide the tools needed to deal with your emotions and finally be able to let go of this.

[marky00]

Your story is the same as mine. they are the worst type of breakup.

 

 

The lesson I learned that even a loving partner will never empathise the suffering one is going through with certain personal issues. You had a lot on your plate and you needed her to be there for you.

 

 

But, she decided to sit back and watch you drown, which gives her the perfect exit strategy.

 

 

You feel misunderstood. That's the worst part. I was trying so hard but 90 percent of my energy was forced into other things but I put 1000 percent into the 10 percent I had left for the relationship.

[Toodaloo]

Sounds to me that you had a rough time and your brain shut down your emotions to protect itself. That is perfectly OK. It gets you through.

 

Over a decade ago I had a very nasty break up. Caused untold damage, full on nervous break down, I was homeless for a bit... It was just awful. It was so bad that when they came to section me they couldn't because I was "stuck" in a room and couldn't get out of it. I would often sit and beat my head against a wall for hours on end just to try to get some sleep or get all the raging thoughts out of my mind. I would cry and have panic attacks trying to decide which bottle of milk to buy. It was truly awful. I knew I was mad...

 

I didn't get over it. I couldn't get over it. It ruined many good short term relationships and also caused me to be in a long term abusive relationship... I didn't know it at the time but I was punishing myself, hard, for that break down, I was punishing myself for the ending of that relationship.

 

Then I think it was last year. I saw him about and finally plucked up the courage to ask why. I stood and listened and discovered that all these years I had thought he was so great and standing there it suddenly dawned on me that I didn't even like the guy. I walked away, cried a lot, as it really did take all my courage (I would rather have swum with sharks), then I laughed. Because like a light bulb I suddenly accepted it for what it was and I laughed at myself for dramatizing it and going all those years blaming myself and hurting myself...

 

Time does heal. Sometimes it just takes longer than you think.

 

My advice is just live. Go about your days. If you don't want to date then don't! Be single! Enjoy being single! Concentrate on filling your life with positive things. Go out and meet good, kind people that are the sort of people you want to have around you. Restore your faith in humanity. Then it will be OK. Then you will have your light bulb. It may be next week it may be in ten years. But it will happen.

[SammySammy]

Anger is always self-inflicted.

 

Don't expect time or anything else to heal wounds you keep making every day.

 

If you don't want to be that way anymore, stop.

[Satu]

You certainly went through an extremely painful time.

 

But try not to let it sour your view of people/women in general.

 

The only person who would lose out because of that is yourself.

 

 

Take care.

[Hoosfoos]

You had a lot on your plate and you needed her to be there for you.

 

 

But, she decided to sit back and watch you drown, which gives her the perfect exit strategy.

 

 

 

OP, you're not alone with your situation. I can absolutely relate to what happened to you, without going into detail. I'm still in the process of putting my life back in order (in every way).

 

When the going gets tough, the women start quitting.

[jen1447]

I'll respectfully disagree and say that time does heal but it's almost always imperfect healing. Time doesn't particularly care about the quality of your recovery, it just does its thing by taking away the immediacy of your injuries, or in other words just making you forget the impact of the HERE!/NOW! of it.

 

The fact that you're angry as opposed to despondent kinda shows that. Anger's just a stage, and it may be taking you a long time but you are cycling emotions at least.

[books2]

Kudos for letting it, partially, out here on this board!!

 

Keep letting it out.

 

Sorry for your experience!

 

Keep moving forward and I promise life has something really nice for you down the road!