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Girlfriend Dumped Me Unexpectedly: Fight for her or give up?


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I'd appreciate some help please.

I'm wondering if my girlfriend is worth fighting for or am I best moving on?

 

After a failed marriage of my own (20 years), and taking a year out alone, I met a beautiful lady around 6 months ago (also going through a divorce after 20 years).

We fell in love pretty hard and fast and the first 6 months were 'heaven'. We declared our love for one another and we stayed at her place 5 nights out of 7 every week. I learnt that she has been abused by her father throughout her teenage years and she had a failed marriage too where she accused her husband of being a narcissist (she described him as controlling, critical and bullying). Throughout our time together, I've always been fully supportive, sympathetic and done everything I can to make happy. I noticed that she has stronger opinions than me on most things, but I've been content to compromise and do what she wants more often.

 

Fast forward to a month ago, we had our first disagreement. It was really something and nothing but it developed into a two day sulk, where I felt I couldn't say anything right to her so I left her be for a couple of days for us both to calm down. Then she called a meeting and told me it was over!

 

No discussion, no warning. She told me I blew it: apparently I showed here traits of her ex-bullying husband and the fact I didn't go to her to put it right immediately, meant that I was 'just like him' and not right for her. I have been devastated at how she can drop our relationship so coldly, so clinically.

 

After a lot of pleading and apologising on my part, she's allowed us to see eachother (as friends) and she's explained to me that because of the traumas she's suffered in her life that her way of dealing has been to 'shut down'. Because I upset her that one time, she has 'shut down' on me.

 

I explained to her that I'm not like the bullies in her previous life. I make mistakes but I don't have malice, and I never want to hurt her.

 

We've been seeing eachother for around two weeks 'as friends' and she's told me that she still loves me underneath, but that she needs time and to learn to trust me again. In the meantime, she's super busy socially with her friends and making plans for her future (without me, whereas we had planned to be together).

 

Although I can appreciate what she says about healing time, I've seen another side to her. How can someone who showed so much love, just switch off so quickly, and now show such coldness? (She can see how I'm hurting.)

 

It just feels that I'm doing all the investing and I'm not getting anything back. If we do get back together, will I always have to do what she wants? And if I make another mistake then will she drop me again?

 

I'm even wondering now whether I am the selfish one, to be thinking like this?

 

But I'm still smitten by her, I'm so lonely, and hurting so much, and desperately want her back.

 

So is it worth me investing in repairing what we had, or am I on a hiding to nothing?

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If we do get back together, will I always have to do what she wants?

 

Sure will.

 

She sounds like a drama queen. You've seen what a relationship with her will be like. If you make her mad, she'll punish you. Funny how she complains about her ex being controlling, and yet here she is basically telling you that you need to act in a way she approves, otherwise she won't love you anymore.

 

People like this tend to get worse, not better, the longer you're with them. Leave and don't look back, even if she suddenly wants to try and work on things (which she probably will, the second you stop grovelling at her feet she's going to wonder what the hell's happening).

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After a lot of pleading and apologising on my part, she's allowed us to see eachother (as friends)

Oh how generous of her! She allowed you to see each other as friends after she totally over-reacted and acted like a complete child after a minor disagreement and zero conflict resolution skills, and you did a lot of begging and pleading! Is she the Queen or something? Why is her company so valuable yet yours is so worthless?

 

Where is your self respect man?? Have you no dignity? If she doesn't want to see you then why on earth would you want to see her? And as friends?? Why would you accept a demotion from boyfriend to friend just because she has a hissy fit?

 

As the poster above says she sounds like a complete entitled drama queen and has shown you exactly what your future relationship with her will be like. If you get back together then this will only get worse. I would definitely move on.

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You didn't say what the disagreement was about or how you behaved during argument, so it's hard to judge if this is a complete overreaction. Was this a yelling, screaming kind of thing? But assuming a minor disagreement, you've just learned most of what you need to know about her problem solving and conflict resolution abilities.

 

It's a shame that she's a victim of abuse by her father. What kind of abuse are we talking about, and to what degree? This is relevant because has probably affected her ability to regulate emotions and to have harmonious interpersonal relationships. If there was abuse in the teenage years, t's reasonable to suspect that this family has been dysfunctional the whole time.

 

She seems to be serious about punishing you. It has been going on too long for a minor disagreement, and threatening the breakup and having you in 'friend' mode, groveling and begging to resolve it and get back to normal is way too much for a minor disagreement. I have suspicions about the nature of her issues, but am keeping an open mind for now.

 

I think what you're seeing now is what you can expect to see in the future if you stay in this relationship, assuming that she eventually equilibrates and things go back to normal. She's got you in the doghouse, so to speak.

 

You need to do the 180 on her. As long as you grovel you are voluntarily staying in the doghouse, and she remains in control. She likes it this way. If you just shrug your shoulders and say, ok, we're done here and walk away, there's a pretty good change that she won't be happy and the chase will be reversed.

 

But I don't think you should do that as a tactic to get her back. I think you should do it for real, realizing that as long as you're with her it's going to be a roller coaster ride pretty much like the way it's been for the past two weeks.

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Thanks for your prompt and helpful replies.

 

To answer your questions. Her abuse was of the worst kind between the ages of say 10 aand 20 and it all ended with a conviction and total rejection by all family members. My girlfriend told me she has never been loved. (Until me)

 

As to the argument, I'll tell you:

She told me how she wanted to go out on a day trip, a place that she had been to with her ex 10 years ago. So we booked the day out. On the drive there, I will admit I was a little quiet - not for any reason of dissatisfaction but that I was in pain with a minor injury and also I had taken anti-histamine medication which makes me lethargic, and a little depressed. However once we arrived, I perked up and we had a wonderful day, lots of laughter and loving. We even made love that morning before we left.

 

The next day was just busy although I noticed she was subdued. On the second day, she approached me and told me there was something on her mind:

 

She said I had ruined her day, by being moody in the morning. She emphasised that she had made it clear how important the trip was to her, and that I hadn't done my utmost. She rejected my explanation of why I was quiet in the morning and also discounted the fact that the day got better right to the end and that I had thoroughly enjoyed the day out.

 

My problem, as she explained later, was that I was shocked by her criticism, and my attitude was one of shock (I asked how on earth could she say this, and how wrong could we be, etc.) and disbelief. I admit I didn't react in the best way but again I was on the anti-histamines (depressed) and I had a lot of worries generally (I lost my job and was feeling insecure).

 

She interpreted my reaction as hostility and compared it to her ex-husband who (she says) constantly criticised and ridiculed her.

 

She also had a cold and I perceived that it was not the moment to push things, so after asking if she was ok and could I do anything for her, I left for my own place. Over the next day, despite me texting and calling with friendly words, she turned cold, replying less. Then on the second day she called the meeting, came to mine, and told me we were finished. Not taking a break, or working on things, but finished.

 

She has since told me that she may have (over) reacted the way she did because of her past associations and that perhaps counselling might be in order (in which case she would want me involved too). However, she has not committed to action or timeframes, simply saying 'if and when' she feels she can trust me again.

 

To be honest, I am beginning to get over the pain, and beginning to agree with the above sentiment that she will always be like this, but because she told me she still loves me and asks me to give her time, and admits that the problem is with her (she thinks maybe she can't ever have a relationship) then I hope there is light at the end of this tunnel.

 

On my side, I've secured a new job now and becoming more open to the possibility that we're over, although at the moment I'm still imagining a life back with her.

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ExpatInItaly

This woman is going to be way too much work.

 

You're going to be feeling like you're walking on eggshells all the time, wondering if your behaviour or words will be so misinterpreted that she'll bail again.

 

My guess is that she's not really ready for a relationship and was looking for an exit strategy.

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at the moment I'm still imagining a life back with her.

Believe me, a life with a mature, emotionally stable woman, or just living the single life for a little while, would be a million times better.

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OMG.. I'd tell her to bugger off so fast.. Who does she think she is? Have you ever heard the expression "red flags"? You have a million of them screaming at you mate.

 

The other obvious thing here is that she got comfortable w/you. The honeymoon phase ended and she let her hair down to see her true personality in all it's glory. She's obviously very damaged and has way too much baggage.

 

Get comfortable in your own skin my friend. You have to be able to navigate being alone w/out feeling "lonely". Have positive talks w/yourself as you continue to date, seeking out someone who's mentally healthy and ready for a wonderful relationship that's drama free. You meet her and you'll meet someone else too.

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'It just feels that I'm doing all the investing and I'm not getting anything back.'

Never stick around in a situation like this, move on.

'If we do get back together, will I always have to do what she wants?'

Why would you even consider getting back with someone under those terms?

 

'And if I make another mistake then will she drop me again?'

Only if you tolerate this sort of nonsense in your life.

 

 

You've been with her for a short time, when there's a little challenge she disposes you like yesterdays garbage. Run like the wind my friend. Take time to heal what you've been through , otherwise you'll have these broken people in your life, rubbing salt in your wounds.

 

This is exactly what I went through. Not fully recovered from a broken marriage, I needed a woman to validate me, to make me feel whole again. All I got were broken women, who had a good side to them for sure, but could only give me pain as they hadn't sorted themselves out.

 

Now I've learnt to really look after my own happiness first, and take whatever time I need to do so. To spot the signs early, of any dysfunction in a potential partner. A woman who's just come out of a marriage and one of the worst potential partners going! She's got so much stuff to process.

 

Don't get blinded by someones light if they're not living in their light, and don't take the BS I see you taking.

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She needs to be in therapy so that they can help her through these trigger times and you don't have to deal with it quite so much. She needs more help than you alone can give her. Please just ask her to take it to a psychologist so she has someone to work through these times with since any confrontation or sulking from you will send her running. Good luck. If you have to tell her you'll do joint counseling to get her started, fine. Likely the therapist will dismiss you once she sees whose problem it is and deals with the immediate crisis.

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I have been in a similar situation to your ex marriage-wise. I also am in a mommies group with a lot of women with abusive exes. I have always been reluctant to make a man pay of another man's mistakes (and drag too much baggage with me) but I can tell you most of them take a long time before they can trust men again.

 

Having said that, and without knowing all the details, I would possibly feel bad and triggered in that situation. I have had enough time away I would try not to take it personally but if she thought you were enough like her ex I can see why she would have run. A lot of men women describe as narcs will try to spoil special days.

 

I'm not saying she's or you're right or wrong. Just trying to give you a woman's view.

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Tough call, but it's clear that she's never truly faced her past and dealt with it - instead chosing to bottle it up and try to forget it. Never works and the triggers to set things off come more often.

 

Sadly it's not your job to save her. You can only help those that want help. You can never force help upon someone. There's also the belief I have that people have normality in their life, good or bad, but somethings they are used to and feel comfortable around. You may just be the opposite of what she's had before and that is never going to work for her.

 

Either way, I fully agree with the rest her and that is that this will never truly work out the way things are now. She's pretty much dictating everything and as much as you are now walking on egg shells around her, that is the wrong way to have a serious, respectful relationship with someone. As much as you want to be with her, it can't just be by her rules.

 

It's a tough call but I wouldn't want to remain friends in any situation after a relationship, no matter what the reasons.

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She seems to have brought her past into this relationship, it sounds as if she hasn't had time to heal from her ex and work on herself. I'd leave her to it, remain civil and friendly, I'm sure she is lovely and I don't want to make bad comments but just give her time :)

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You know how she said you were just like her ex: Have you considered that her ex wasn't a narcissist and that your ex is just a nutter - creating all kinds of problems and blaming them on other people?

 

Cut her loose. Do not be friends. And be grateful that you didn't waste more time on her.

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Thanks all for your comments I'll try to respond to all.. although I haven't mastered the multi-quote tool :(

 

You know how she said you were just like her ex: Have you considered that her ex wasn't a narcissist and that your ex is just a nutter - creating all kinds of problems and blaming them on other people?

 

Yes, I wondered this. Maybe she is the narcissist?

 

"She seems to have brought her past into this relationship, it sounds as if she hasn't had time to heal from her ex and work on herself. I'd leave her to it, remain civil and friendly, I'm sure she is lovely and I don't want to make bad comments but just give her time "

 

I sympathise, and I'm giving her time and space, I really have backed off. I only respond to her now, instead of chasing her. It's noticeable over the past day or two that she is now making the effort to communicate more with me. I can't help think though how selfish she is and how she is using me :(

 

She has invited me to loads of events in groups and just the two of us. I've mainly said I'll go. She wants my company, although she is careful to remind me that she still needs time and space to heal, and that I shouldn't force my affections on her (eg.hold hands). I don't know whether that's progress, whether that's reasonable, or whether I am just a crutch for her while she's feeling weak, and I'm in for a drop again later as soon as she feels stronger.

 

"She's pretty much dictating everything and as much as you are now walking on egg shells around her, that is the wrong way to have a serious, respectful relationship with someone. As much as you want to be with her, it can't just be by her rules.

 

It's a tough call but I wouldn't want to remain friends in any situation after a relationship, no matter what the reasons. "

 

Yes, I accept that I can't always submit to her whims. I have been very insecure and 'needy' and that problem was with me (and she certainly didn't help!) but I now have a new job, earnings potential, a renewed confidence and I've renewed some old friendships (and actively seeking new ones) so I'm feeling stronger.

 

I'm still going to continue to see her, but much more on my terms. I'm accepting the fact that this well may not work and there is (great) life without her. But I'm also prepared to stick in for a little longer to see how she might develop. I realise its risky and I could get hurt again, but as long as I keep sight of my own values and wellbeing. Well that's my thinking today anyway...

 

Miss Peach I really value your personal experience and input, thank you.

 

"She needs to be in therapy.."

 

Yes, I believe this. She also volunteered this shortly after we split, but she said 'when she is ready'. So, while I won't forget the importance of this, I don't think I can bring this up again, until she does, or at the stage she offers me a return to intimacy.

 

Fromheart: Very true words. Sounds like we've been through very similar things!

 

Aloneinaz, PegnosePete, and ExpatinItaly you are so right, and I can't dispute. I am however still a sucker for her, and need this to run a little longer :love:

 

PS: Next week, I'm working away with the new job for 10 days so I won't see her, so the distance might help clarify feelings all round..

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She wants my company, although she is careful to remind me that she still needs time and space to heal, and that I shouldn't force my affections on her (eg.hold hands). I don't know whether that's progress

No, it's not progress. It's you, yet again, bending over backwards to satisfy her needs. You should tell her that you don't accept a demotion from boyfriend to friend and you don't want to see her "as friends" with loads of terms and conditions about what is and isn't allowed. That is no way to live.

 

Yes, I accept that I can't always submit to her whims.

So why are you again submitting to her whims, agreeing to go places "as friends" and not even doing so much as holding hands? This sounds exactly like you are still submitting to her whims, even though you're not together any more!! What do you get from this submission? I'll tell you: hurt.

 

I'm still going to continue to see her, but much more on my terms.

And what are your terms, exactly? Sorry, from what you're writing here, it sounds like you're seeing her on exactly her terms.

 

PS: Next week, I'm working away with the new job for 10 days so I won't see her, so the distance might help clarify feelings all round..

Great. Don't have contact with her during this time. If it's meant to be, you can pick it up where you left off when you get back. Her feelings need to clarify too, and the best way for that to happen is for you to give her space. That means SPACE, not contact.

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'She wants my company, although she is careful to remind me that she still needs time and space to heal, and that I shouldn't force my affections on her (eg.hold hands).'

 

This is called controlling another person. Far better for her and for you, if she just has more time and space to heal. You can then have the opportunity to meet other people in whatever context you choose.

 

Never allow yourself to be controlled by women, they will not respect you for it.

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Thanks for the wise words.

 

Last two days, she's continued to text me, but luckily for me I've been busy with my own things, and so I've been slow in replying, and guess what - she's chasing me, multiple texts and questions about what I'm doing!

 

I'm also beginning to feel more settled and accepting that she's not right for me, and needs to sort herself out, without me. While I need to get on and develop/recover myself: job, selfish activities, and even some casual dating to meet new women.

 

Now for the dangerous part. I'm going to keep my planned diary dates of meeting her (some group and fewer private) but only as long as I feel comfortable and if I don't then I will pull out.

 

And I have this 10 day work/travel thing coming up next week, so that space will be ideal.

 

I know that I'm on an emotional cliff-edge right now, but I think I'm beginning to regain my sense of self.

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Your breakup story helped me a little bit because I was thinking about an ex recently and there were a lot of similar things in the initial "breakup" of your story that I could relate to. I felt like she overreacted and just ended things without making much effort. The way she handled the breakup at the time really frustrated me and she also had a lot of those demanding/controlling qualities that your ex had.

 

I would say you really should do "No Contact". Even if you had plans before tell her that you need time apart because you need to heal as well and to move on if she isn't interested. I think you are playing with fire to keep hanging out with her as "friends"...

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Thanks all for your good advice. My update:

 

After nearly a month of misery and desperation, I sorted myself out and became the stronger, happier guy I used to be. I got a new job, spoke to lots of friends and decided I didn't need her. Although I did not go NC, I went LC (low contact) and reversed the texts and calls so that I held back and she was contacting me more than I her.

 

She's ASKED to come back to me now! We talked a lot but yes I want to give it another try. I'm being optimistic/ positive about it, but I intend to keep grounded and continue to invest in MYSELF and keep focused/ balanced on my own progress (job, security, own friends etc.).

 

The main lesson learned is: needy and desperate is a road to nowhere.

 

Wish me luck ;) x

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Thanks all for your good advice. My update:

 

After nearly a month of misery and desperation, I sorted myself out and became the stronger, happier guy I used to be. I got a new job, spoke to lots of friends and decided I didn't need her. Although I did not go NC, I went LC (low contact) and reversed the texts and calls so that I held back and she was contacting me more than I her.

 

She's ASKED to come back to me now! We talked a lot but yes I want to give it another try. I'm being optimistic/ positive about it, but I intend to keep grounded and continue to invest in MYSELF and keep focused/ balanced on my own progress (job, security, own friends etc.).

 

The main lesson learned is: needy and desperate is a road to nowhere.

 

Wish me luck ;) x

 

Good luck.

 

Reading all of this I think you are going to need it. Her behaviour towards you is... indescribable...

 

See you in a month or two, but hope we don't for your sake.

 

Either way we will be here.

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Well, I'm a week into our new relationship and sure enough it's a game of two halves - already..

We spent a heavenly weekend together but this week I've been working away so apart from literally one or two texts a day we have a phone call in the evening.

We won't see each other until next weekend (almost two weeks apart).

Last night I called her after a day of no texts - we were both busy. I confess to feeling lonely and missing her like crazy. Anyway when we talked that evening, I told her how I missed her and how I would have preferred more communication from her. Although I know I came across as needy I'm fed up with over analyzing and I just want an honest and loving relationship, where we can open up with our vulnerabilities and expect support from the other.

Her reaction disappointed me: she reprimanded me for putting pressure on her. She told me how my call had made her feel unhappy and not happy like she wants. Boy did she lay into me - telling me I need to rehearse what I'm going to say to her. You can imagine I left that call pretty low.

 

That night as I reflected alone. I figure that this isn't the relationship I want. I have enough other worries in my life that I don't want an unhappy partner too. I'm thinking I'd like to date other women to see how it feels, make friends, find attraction and ultimately a GF. I can easily get dates from the web and at least that will get me meeting new people.

 

Next day I apologised to my GF (by text because she was traveling) but she didn't respond for a few hours. I figured she was still sulking and punishing me.

The confusing thing though was later in the day she texted back telling me she loves me and although we're apart she can't wait to be with me next weekend.

 

I'm confused, by her, and also by my own feelings. I just want a loving and secure relationship and to protect myself from the likely and repeated rejection from my existing girlfriend, but I find it so hard to walk away.

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dangerous,

I'd go one step further than this;

 

Never allow yourself to be controlled by women, they will not respect you for it.

 

and say - "don't let anyone control you, they won't respect you for it" :)

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You're confused because she's not a total pain in the ass all the time. Sometimes she's sweet with you and you think "this is exactly what I've always wanted," and sometimes she's Godzilla.

 

Don't make the mistake of thinking things will get better and she'll stop treating you like garbage at the slightest provocation. Like I said before, these things tend to get worse, not better, as the relationship goes on. Have the strength to walk away now, it will only get harder the longer you stick around.

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Have the strength to walk away now, it will only get harder the longer you stick around.

 

This^^^

 

It's hard. We get it but, R/S end for a reason. The reasons don't usually go away and they end again causing more pain, suffering and time to put it behind you.

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