I broke no contact, what do I do now?

[brokenandlostone]

Hello,

 

I'm new to the site and I wanted to see if I get some advice about my situation. It's a complicated situation so I'll give the short version of what my predicament is.

 

 

I met this wonderful girl about 4yrs ago while was married. She was unhappy and at first we were just friends but it grew into something more serious and she eventually left her husband. We have been together but never lived together during this time. She has 3 kids from her husband and they have had a rocky co-parenting relationship these past few years. Me and her would always talk about taking the next step and moving in but never really did anything to make it happen. It was as if we wanted the same but were a bit apprehensive to take that step. Her reasoning was her kids and bringing another man into their lives and my apprehensiveness came from fear of not being a good stepfather or the kids not liking me and also the added responsibility.

 

 

We kept this going on for the first year of our relationship and then the big BOMB was dropped on me after the first year of our relationship. I was diagnosed with cancer and have been in treatment ever since to this date. IT's been 3 years that I've been battling this disease. She has been there for me through all this and my disease has put a big strain on our relationship and also put off any future plans. We lived for the day not the future because we werent sure what is going to happen to me.

 

 

During the past 3 years going through treatment I knew she was sad and it was hard for her because I was sick and she was also tired of being alone and needed help with her kids and needed someone with her. She wanted me but I just couldn't commit to that considering what I'm going through. It's been very stressful.

 

 

The past 5 months I could see a change in her, we saw eachother less and there was always an excuse when we planned to see eachother but something would always come up. I knew something was happening and it was hard to deal with. Fast forward to a couple of months ago and she took a family trip with her kids and her exhusband and that was the deal breaker. We didn't talk much, I could tell when we did that her attitude was different and she finally came out and said that she was going to let her husband move back because she needs help and doesn't want to be alone.

 

 

They have had a rough relationship with infedility on her part not with just me but with 2 other men as well. She has emotionally problems that she needs help with and considering what I'm going through I just can't understand how easy it was for her to walk away from what we had. Does she even care? I might die and she said she would always love me but walked away from me when I needed her the most.

 

 

After she told me this we tried to be friends, mostly through texting but I couldn't do it so I went strictly NC for the past 2 weeks and haven't talked to her. She sent me a text a week ago and I didnt reply back. I felt bad and wanted so bad to text her back but I had to keep telling myself that she wasn't good for me and that if she truly loved me she would have stayed and stuck it out with me.

 

 

I feel so alone, depressed and I try to keep analyzing things and wondering if she will come back but then again do I want her back??? I guess I just want to know that she still cares about me and loves me. I don't know what to do, I need help!!!

 

 

Thank you

[Toodaloo]

First off - stop trying to make sense of it. You won't.

 

Secondly make sure you take care of yourself, eating, sleeping, excersise, work etc.

 

Third... well that comes later as I think you need some more time grieving first...

[brokenandlostone]

Thank you Toodaloo,

 

 

I appreciate your input. I know I need to take care of myself first but I tell you it's a tough thing to do when your heart and emotions takes precedent over what I physically feel dealing with chemo and cancer. Its as if cancer is on the back burner because my heart needs repair first before I can focus on beating cancer. I know that probably sounds dumb because my life and health should come first but when you're broken hearted nothing else matters.

 

 

My plan is to keep going on with NC and hopefully these feelings fade away and I can focus more on myself now. Now if I can just keep from checking my phone every 2 minutes to see if she text me

 

 

Thank you again!

[Sunnymae]

Not to take away from your pain, and heartbreak, but Since I'm a detached observer, I can see this from her perspective. She is confused, and overwhelmed with raising a family, and now she is faced with an added obstacle of dealing with your illness. It may seem selfish, and heartless, or stupid of her to go back to her husband. I know you're feeling hurt and betrayed, but don't take it personally. Sometimes people have to make decisions not just for themselves but for what's best for the family (I.e. Her children are also part of this equation) Maybe down the road after you're well, you and her can work things out, and build a future together. I can understand how abandoned, and hurt you feel, but maybe by seeing it from her perspective you won't feel as bitter, and heartbroken. Sometimes reality sucks.

Take care.

[brokenandlostone]

Thank you for the reply,

 

I get all that, I understand that maybe it was to much for her to deal with her kids, job, ex husband and then me with my health issues. She was probably overwhelmed but I kind of feel that she took the easy way out. I know if you love someone you will go through anything with that person no matter what the case is. True love doesn't have conditions or restrictions.

 

 

I believe that her going back to her husband and trying to make things work with him was the easier route and although I think it's pretty heartless when in you are in my shoes but in her shoes I don't blame her.

She did text me in the beginning of our break up to get better so we could be together. I think I fight with what she said so much because I can't see myself saying that to someone I loved who was sick and could take their life and to tell them.... Get better and come back to me! Seems so cold and heartless.

Who knows what the future holds but I can tell you that dealign with cancer and letting go of someone you love so much is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through and would not wish this on my worst enemy. It's bad enough of dealing with the everyday struggle of fighting to stay alive and then to top it off not having someone you love with you through the struggle.

I now God has a reason for everything I'm just trying to figure out what good enough reason it could be to lose someone you love and to continue fighting for your life

 

Thank you

[fromheart]

Im very sorry that you're going through all of this.

 

I know you know this now... someone who leaves their partner for you, will leave you in the same way. Its actually got nothing to do with you, its her emotional dysfunction.

Even if you didn't have this illness, she probably would have done it.

 

And if she really loved you, if she knew what love is that is, she wouldn't have left you. She doesn't know what love is, because she hasn't sorted her own life out yet.

 

With what you're going through, you've got to be hardcore about who you let into your personal space. Anyone who isn't supportive and loving must go. When you're going through something, you quickly find out who are your real loved ones. The ones who aren't supportive, wish them all the best and move on from them. That's whats best for you.

[brokenandlostone]

Fromheart,

 

Thank you for your reply. I agree with you and feel the same way, it's a hard fact to accept after years of us telling eachother how much we loved eachother and how much we appreciated eachother. We had a very strong relationship both emotionally and physically.

 

 

I've ready quite a few other posts on here and can relate to a lot of people and how they feel and it's so very common on how the ones who have been broken up with share the same feelings of loss and sadness and waiting for their ex to come back. Some trying to be strong to let go and not contact the other person but yet feeling like they are making a mistake by not reaching out to the dumper. I often find myself trolling her instagram and facebook but she hasn't posted anything new. I know that is a big NO NO and I need to avoid them like the plague! It's just hard sometimes because that is the only contact I have with her right now.

 

 

I keep thinking that she went back to her husband for all the wrong reasons and I wonder if she was happy. She had told me several times that she knew she was making a big mistake and that she knows she doesn't love him but that she had to go back because she needed help with the kids and that families should try and stay together. I wonder if things will work out for her this time, she's cheated on him before and when I met her a good friend of mine (who I should of taken his advice) told me to stay away from her, that she's always looking for a way out of her marriage and that she's trouble. Needless to say I didn't listen and look where I'm at now.

 

 

I just don't understand why she would go back to a relationship where this is no love and she knew and always told me that me and her fit together perfect because I listen to her and she can open up to me and I pay attention to her and love her like she wants to be loved. Then to let all that go to go back to somone that is the total opposite of what I gave her??? it doesn't make sense. She told me that he tells her that he wants to change and wants to make things better for them and that he wants to try and make it work and she says he's been trying but sometimes goes back to his old ways. This was a coupe of weeks after she broke up with me and she also said that she feels depressed and she knows she's making a big mistake but can't change it or doesn't know how to change it because the kids are happy that he's back at home.

 

 

What do any of you think will happen to her relationship with him? do you think it will work? will she go back to cheating on him again with someone else? She told me she can't talk to me anymore because she feels bad and wants to be a good person now.

 

 

Any opinions or advice is much appreciated.

Thank you

[preraph]

My opinion is she's not breaking up because you have cancer but for other reasons and she's not family, so she has no obligation to see you through. But I'm very sorry for your situation. Family is who needs to support you through this. If not for cancer, she probably would have been gone long ago and only guilt kept her there. Just my opinion.

[fromheart]

Try and focus on looking after yourself first.

 

I know its difficult to not think of her constantly, but put her put of your mind as best you can. Go completely NC from her. It will seem hard at first but you will get over this with time. Each day that passes, you will feel better from this.

 

Be focused and dedicated on keeping yourself as healthy as possible.

[brokenandlostone]

Well the title says it all...

 

 

I tend to write long text messages to my ex and never send them, it helps me pour out my feelings, cry a bit and then back to no contact. This has helped me quite a bit but today was a disaster and I've learned my lesson now.

 

 

I started a new text message to her and I was typing away a long heartfelt message about how I feel and how much I miss her and everything in between about what happened to us and a ton of other things. Basically opening my heart to her but my intentions were not to send the message and only screen shot the message to go back and read at a later date as a reminder of how I felt at that time.

 

 

Well needless to say, during my message I don't know if at a certain point the text app sends the message automatically after a certain amount of characters but the message sent and my throat just about dropped down to my stomach and I felt like crap!!!! I quickly apologized to her and told here I didn't mean to send that message and I was sorry for contacting her. She replied back to me and said she feels the same way but as I've read so many times here on LS, her responses were pretty much basic... I Love you, I miss you, I think about you all the time too but nothing about wanting to work things out and that's the only way I want to have any contact with her is if she comes to me and says she made mistake and wants me back.

 

 

I've been on NC for almost 3 weeks, this Friday would have been 3 weeks exactly and now I feel really dumb, ashamed and disappointed in myself and I hate the fact that I have to start alllll over again... What a crapy feeling!!!....

 

 

How I feel now? well I still feel the same, sad and missing her and realizing that she doesn't feel any different than how she felt when she left me. It's heartbreaking and I hate this feeling!!!!! I need some advice, a good pep talk or something to keep going because I feel defeated and lost. Why can't she just come back to me!!!!! .....

 

 

Thank you to all who reply!!!

 

 

Broken

[psiblast]

I feel your pain man. I'm going through a period of NC also. It's only been a few days in my case, but feels longer. I can't imagine 3 weeks. The anxiety you feel must be insane!

 

If she says she loves you and misses you then that's huge, I think. I'd give anything to see my gf text that to me.

[privategal]

Going forward create a separate email and email yourself, less chance of sending on accident.

This was good if you ask me, she didn't ignore, tell you about a new boyfriend or act cold. So it's kinda some more closure, you see her head is still in the same place BUT there is so animosity.

You aren't going to reach out again so even though you feel bad...a guy who is clingy, needy or desperate to get back would take that as a sign and keep on with trying to reconcile.

You had a decent positive exchange and so I'd look at it as a good thing as many breakups are bitter, cold, immature....you are handling it great.

Keep going It's supposed to hurt and the darker days are part of grieving and healjng so don't think it will be forever, it's going to slowly fade.

Keep writing it out. Use the separate email like a journal and don't sweat today at all.

[sooshi]

You sent the message, and it can't be undone. You realize how awful it can feel to break no contact.

 

Next time, write your feelings out somewhere where it won't accidentally get sent to her. Write it out in a notebook, or post your thoughts and feelings here, or e-mail it to yourself.

 

Delete her from your phone.

 

Go no contact.

 

She's not coming back to you because she doesn't want to be with you. I know it hurts to hear that, but it is what you need to hear.

 

It's time to focus on healing. It starts with removing the ability for her to contact you.

 

Take care.

[NopeNah]

I actually had typed up a text to my ex(I'm the dumper) last week, never intending to send it. Got a little drunk over the weekend and woke up in a panic thinking I sent it. Luckily I hadn't! I deleted it right there,but scared the hell outta me!

[Blanco]

Why on earth do any of you even have your ex's number in your phone? And my goodness, actually typing a text to them? Why not play Russian Roulette instead? It'll be less embarrassing.

 

Go buy a notebook and some pens and write out whatever you want to say to her. That way, she'll only read it if she breaks into your home and steals it.

[Stercrazy]

You're going to be okay. Even when you think you won't be okay.......you will.

[brokenandlostone]

Thanks everyone for the replies,

 

 

I spent a better part of the evening yesterday thinking about what had happened and kind of going over my feelings about what she said and how I interpreted the whole situation. What I came away with is like you said, it was a mistake on my part but it's back on the saddle and keep moving forward. I think the fact that she feels the same as I do in a sense helped a bit. She is in a situation where she loves me and misses me but at the same time she just couldn't wait for us to be together anymore and found it easier to take her husband back and keep her family together.

 

 

I totally understand this, she has over 14yrs invested into her marriage vs. the 4yrs we dated and I know that for her it was easier to go back to him. Even though that leaves me out in the cold so to say I understand and I can keep moving forward. When we are broken up with we tend to glamorize the other person and we put on blinders to only see the good about that person which causes us to hurt even more. The one thing I try and do is be neutral about everything, I try and see both the good and bad and I try to remember the things that happened during our relationship and not just focus on the good. If you only see the good in a person then you will remain stuck and torture yourself even more with thoughts of never finding anyone as good as the person that left you.

 

 

I'm going back on NC and this is day 1 and I'm going to do my best to try and stay focused on my health and healing from the heartbreak. I feel maybe that I needed what happened yesterday to happen. I know she's never coming back and I've been through this same thing many times before. In each time I've been broken hearted, it's the same old words of "maybe we will cross paths again or get back together later in life" or "I love you and you will always be apart of me" it's just words to ease the pain even though reality of the matter is, they have no intentions of coming back. If they do come back or try to come back, it's usually to late because by then we dumpee's have gained enough strength emotionally and mentally to realize we would never go back to that situation again and put ourselves in a relationship where it was easy for the other person to walk away from us even after they say they would never leave and will love us forever....

 

 

I don't know what the future holds but what I do know is that any amount of hope I had of her coming back has been wiped away after yesterday and putting myself in her shoes, she's going to be stuck in a marriage where she knows she doesn't love him but is only there for the kids. I wish her well and I hope she can find some happiness in her choices and at least remember the love I gave her and the love I still have for her right now....

 

 

Below is the text messages back and forth from yesterdays big mistake. Feel free to comment on what was said. I'd like to hear your opinion on everything.

 

 

Text Messages:

 

 

Me

 

Theres not a day that goes by that i dont think about you or miss you. Even though we dont talk anymore i want you to know that i love you and always will. During this time away ive had time to think about a lot and i truly understand why you made the choice you made. Its easier to keep your family together even if there is no love for him than it is to start over. Im not angry at you and the hurt is slowly fading away. Im happy that your happy now and that you are not alone anymore. I always think about the future if we will ever find each other again and i dont think we ever will. Time will change how we see things and clear our minds to think rationally and not be confused by love. We will look back on the time we spent together and know we could never put ourselves back in that situation ever again. Its what happens to most couples. I was looking through my emails and i found some old emails from january of 2011 between me and you and its crazy to see how we were with eachother and what we wanted and not knowing what we would go thru the next 4yrs. Its sad to read about how we felt at that time compared to what we feel now. I guess its true. Nothing last forever. I hope you are doing good and happy.

 

Oh ****. I didnt mean to send that

Ive been writing u messages but never send them. Makes it easier for me. Sorry!!!!!!!

 

Her

I miss you and think about you every day still.

I still wanted all that stuff we said before. You never followed through for me and I got tired. I love you always and it's ok you sent it.

 

Me

Understood

Take care

 

Her

You too thank you

I miss you and love you a lot. I want to turn to you every day and I know I'm not supposed to. This is really difficult for me.

 

Me

I feel the same way. People tell me to stay away to let you be and to forget and move on bcuz staying in a place where ur not wanted is the worst thing to do. But they dont know how it feels to love someone so much and to have it taken away they dont know what its like to not have the one person u truly love around anymore

 

Her

I know what it feels like

 

Me

Its sad. So so sad. Never thought id go thru this ever again or feel heartbreak again but here i am going thru it all over again

****ty feeling!!

 

Her

I have those emails too.

I know how you feel babe

 

Me

Im sorry for messaging you. I knew that was gna happen i dont want to interfere with your life and your marriage and im sorry for sending that message. I was just writing down how i feel. From now on i will use the note app to write u u will always be apart of me never forget that!!!!!

 

Her

You will always be a part of me too my love

I'd like to know how you're doing with your treatments and everything sometimes if you would.

 

Me

Ok i will

 

Her

Thank you

 

Me

Ur welcome

 

Her

I'm not going to bug you but I'm happy to hear from you.

 

Me

U dont ever bug me. Glad i was i able to make u happy

[frigginlost]

This is going to sting, so, sorry in advance...

 

In short, there is nothing there.

 

She seems like a good hearted person and does care for you... but her vision is elsewhere.

 

I know you are in a very, very, tough place, but there are really only two options here:

 

1) Continue speaking with her and allow her to wean herself off of you all the while extending the time you will be able to move on.

 

or

 

2) Focus on you and only you and maintain silence with her.

 

There are some who are able to wean themselves off relationships and being dumped by going low contact (I'm one of those types) but you have to be incredibly strong and always know in the back of your mind, that there is zero chance of a recon. Honestly, with your particular situation I think total no contact is your best option.

[brokenandlostone]

This is going to sting, so, sorry in advance...

 

In short, there is nothing there.

 

She seems like a good hearted person and does care for you... but her vision is elsewhere.

 

I know you are in a very, very, tough place, but there are really only two options here:

 

1) Continue speaking with her and allow her to wean herself off of you all the while extending the time you will be able to move on.

 

or

 

2) Focus on you and only you and maintain silence with her.

 

There are some who are able to wean themselves off relationships and being dumped by going low contact (I'm one of those types) but you have to be incredibly strong and always know in the back of your mind, that there is zero chance of a recon. Honestly, with your particular situation I think total no contact is your best option.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for the reply frigginlost,

 

 

I agree, I know she's gone and not coming back. Her main focus is her family and her husband and I totally understand that. Do I wish it was different? Yes apart of me does but then again apart of me doesn't, she's cheated on him several times before and has always looked for a way out. But now she says she wants to be good and faithful to him and her marriage. So with that said I know I have no other choice than to avoid all contact with her and try my best to let go and focus on myself. I can't lie, it's going to be tough but it's the best thing for the both of us. As much as I would like to have had a future with her, I look back to our relationship and the biggest fear I had with her was her cheating on me like she did with her husband. So I have to take those feelings I had back then and keep my reminding myself why we didn't fully commit to each other back then.

 

 

I asked myself today...what would you do if she called you today and said she made a big mistake and wanted to come back.. I thought about it and the first thing that came to my mind or should I say the first thing I felt was fear! fear of letting her back in my life only to get hurt again and fear of being put back into a relationship where there was a big problem with trust and commitment.

 

 

I don't if I mentioned this in any of my posts but during our relationship she cheated on me, we got in an argument and didn't talk for a few days and she said she didn't think we would talk ever again so she ended up being with some she met on facebook that had been trying to talk to her. After a few drinks she went home with him and she says nothing really happened but foreplay... Go figure huh? It's things like that, that I have to keep reminding myself WHY would should I EVER be sad over someone who has hurt me more than once and couldn't be faithful to me even through an argument. This is all just a big mess and I hope that I can keep my sanity and keep being strong and realizing that it's the best thing for me to get over her and let her be his problem. I'm no fortune teller but history does repeat itself and I know she don't love him but I do believe that she will cheat on him again and put herself right back where she started but this time I will be long gone!!!

 

 

Broken

[frigginlost]

Thank you for the reply frigginlost,

 

 

I agree, I know she's gone and not coming back. Her main focus is her family and her husband and I totally understand that. Do I wish it was different? Yes apart of me does but then again apart of me doesn't, she's cheated on him several times before and has always looked for a way out. But now she says she wants to be good and faithful to him and her marriage. So with that said I know I have no other choice than to avoid all contact with her and try my best to let go and focus on myself. I can't lie, it's going to be tough but it's the best thing for the both of us. As much as I would like to have had a future with her, I look back to our relationship and the biggest fear I had with her was her cheating on me like she did with her husband. So I have to take those feelings I had back then and keep my reminding myself why we didn't fully commit to each other back then.

 

 

I asked myself today...what would you do if she called you today and said she made a big mistake and wanted to come back.. I thought about it and the first thing that came to my mind or should I say the first thing I felt was fear! fear of letting her back in my life only to get hurt again and fear of being put back into a relationship where there was a big problem with trust and commitment.

 

 

I don't if I mentioned this in any of my posts but during our relationship she cheated on me, we got in an argument and didn't talk for a few days and she said she didn't think we would talk ever again so she ended up being with some she met on facebook that had been trying to talk to her. After a few drinks she went home with him and she says nothing really happened but foreplay... Go figure huh? It's things like that, that I have to keep reminding myself WHY would should I EVER be sad over someone who has hurt me more than once and couldn't be faithful to me even through an argument. This is all just a big mess and I hope that I can keep my sanity and keep being strong and realizing that it's the best thing for me to get over her and let her be his problem. I'm no fortune teller but history does repeat itself and I know she don't love him but I do believe that she will cheat on him again and put herself right back where she started but this time I will be long gone!!!

 

 

Broken

 

Thanks for adding a little bit more to your story. I can pretty much guarantee you are going to hear from her again. More than likely the first time her and her ex start to argue. She is going to start looking for a landing pad. Why? You were one in the past that "took her back" even after she cheated on you. I feel for ya. I had an ex do the exact same thing. I was always there for her... and she took advantage of it.

 

I love your mention of how she spun her cheating on thinking you would never get over being angry. That is full-blown manipulation at it's finest.

 

My ex told me the exact same thing as her cheating was after an argument. :-)

 

This is going to sting for a while, bud. You have a really, really, really, deep love for her. That much is apparent. Those are the hardest strings to cut. But trust me, as the days go on the tower you have put her on will slowly start to whiddle away. Stay strong.

 

Come to these boards and vent as much as you need.

[brokenandlostone]

Thanks again Frigginlost,

 

 

So you know exactly how it feels, isn't it crazy how after a break up the first thing we tend to do is put them up on a pedestal and think of them as some God sent angel from above!!!! I love her but damn, but the pain she's put me through in the past and most recently, I have to say she's the devil sent from the fire pits down below!!

 

 

I do love her despite her flaws and maybe I was trying to comfort and fix someone that was already broken when I met her. I realized now that no matter how hard I would have tried, I wasn't going to be fix someone, she has to fix herself so maybe this is her chance now to make a healthy difference in her life and for her family and husband.

 

 

Thanks again Frigginlost, I will definitely keep posting on my progress and if anything new comes up. For now it's back on NC - Day 1 Let's see what where I'm at when day 30 comes around..hopefully it goes fast!!

 

 

 

 

Broken

[brokenandlostone]

**Update**

 

Well it didn't take long for her to reach out to me, she just texted me asking how things were going.

 

For those of you that don't know, I'm fighting cancer at the moment and when she texted me asking how things were going, like a dumbass I thought she was asking how things were going with me and how I was dealing with our break up. I responded with that I was doing a lot better but that I still miss her and love her but I'm learning to be strong and let go..

 

Then she replied, I miss you too and how are things going with my treatments!!! UGGGHHHH... What a fool I am.. This is where I'm stuck and can use your help and advice. She's obviously going to use my sickness to stay in contact every now and then to see how things are going. If things weren't hard right now for me with our breakup and I was over her, I think I'd respond in a friendly way but for now I don't know what to do.

 

Should I ignore her inquiries about my health issues when she asks???

 

Any advice please, and thank you to all of you.

 

Broken

[Blanco]

Inform her that you cannot be in communication with her because you want more than she can provide or is interested in. If she continues to message you, block her.

 

You need to focus on your health and not a dead relationship.

[brokenandlostone]

Another update

 

After she texted me today asking how my treatments were going, i gave her a quik update about my treatments and she responded about an hour later with pray

[Simon Phoenix]

Another update

 

After she texted me today asking how my treatments were going, i gave her a quik update about my treatments and she responded about an hour later with pray

 

You really need to block her. Nothing good is coming from this contact, and right now you don't have the discipline to not respond or the self-esteem to not let it mess with you even if you didn't respond. Block her not to punish her, but to allow you to get your head straight. Because what you're doing isn't working and won't work.