Asking for feed-back on how to stand up again

[Solohikerike]

Hey there,

 

I’d really appreciate some feed-back on ‘standing up’ again.

 

5 weeks ago I fell flat on my butt as a 2.5 year relationship ended – you know, suddenly, though these things rarely are – and I’ve had trouble getting up again.

 

I’m 37, soon starting the 4th year of a 5 year professional degree (a student, oh, yes, nursing a single beer all the night long). Back when it (the relationship) started I was in a great place, positive, a strong sense of purpose, and a ‘can’t lose’ attitude. I had things going on, a few good friends, and ran 2-3 half marathons a week. A couple years ago I was often mistaken for 26 – maybe not drinking, too much clean living, I thought. I had a friend a few years ago who went to serve overseas. When he returned he looked about ten years older. I’d seen it before, I’d been there too. Somehow the experience wore him deeper than me. I’m the guy that isn’t phased. The one who doesn’t panic when everyone else is. But now I feel drained. Increasingly I’d stopped sleeping – maybe several hours a night. Something like the PTSD I never had sees me wake at a bump, a truck, or shake. Heart rate from ‘sleep’ to 100 in a second. I look like my friend did, aged ten years in just 2.

 

My partner, who I’d hoped to marry, had some issues with depression – her profession, or her firm, was the prestigious sort, but which suffers no failure or weakness. “If you’re not a super-star, you’re ****”. The first date blush wore off quickly to reveal someone who I admired: courage, curiosity, humour, quick wit. And a problem with addiction and mental illness. Abused routinely through the course of couple relationships and a pretty extensive history of casual sex, she had scars from self-harming. I started to notice, like clockwork, exam period would arrive and some personal crisis would occur. She stopped taking her medication and became dangerously suicidal. I was hyper-aware of her mood, her body language. I was terrified she’d kill herself. I cried just once as I held her arms, she was bleeding. I had to ask her to get help.

 

I nearly failed exams. I’ve never before needed to ‘cram’. This time I had to stop working and just study seven days – eat, sleep, study, eat, sleep, study. I think it was three weeks, but looking back it was probably two months. At the same time I still cooked dinners, did my share, held her through panic attacks, talked through her feelings. I felt proud. The university publishes a median/ range of grades. I did so well, they don’t even graph figures that high as they’re considered outliers. It feels empty.

 

Over the two months of graft I gradually became distant, the last three weeks irritable. The last week robotic. I wasn’t fun. I didn’t like my own company. I was Working. Then from a Wednesday of hugs, “love you”, and kissing, four days later it was done. In addition to a ten page list of her feelings and my failures, “I want to have more fun”, “I don’t think this is going to work, I’m getting older and I have to try it with someone else”. Followed by several weeks of several messages insisting on no contact, but telling me about social events she’s been attending. Then she ‘accidentally’ runs into me at a place she knew I would be, dressed up, made up, dinner, and dating?

 

There’s a logical part of me that can see this for an impossible thing. The parents who paid for everything. The need for constant attention. The need for constant reassurance; “why do you like me?” Much of the history I learned later, like the frog in water slowly brought to boil.

 

Yet ten pages of feelings and my failure lingers – the sense that I could not have done better, therefore can do no better. The two months of graft basically began as she was suicidal again. She needed me. I wasn’t there. And somewhere, buried in those ten pages, “I don’t think I can get better with you”. Maybe, actually, ‘I can do better than you’.

 

Now somehow the vision I had prior, that thing that carries you through, it’s dark.

 

I can’t shake the feeling of danger.

 

It’s confusing. Like after an IED and someone died. It’s happened already. The worst has already happened.

 

I miss her.

 

And I’m having trouble standing up again.

 

… thanks for listening.

[fromheart]

Its never, ever going to work out with someone who isn't managing their depression. They will drain and suffocate you. The way they treat themselves, is the way they treat you.

 

She's going to drag you in and push you back out now. Poor girl can't help it.

 

Move on and away from this, before it gets destructive. She's not relationship material and will not be until she manages her health. Always avoid women who aren't managing their minds well. And either reconstruct or leave a relationship if its getting in the way of your work performance.

 

I've been in exactly the same situation, could have saved myself months of hell if I'd listened to my own advice!

[Toodaloo]

Oh dear Lord run away.

 

This girl is toxic to herself and anyone around her.

 

To stand up you need to keep the hell away from this one.

 

Imagine someone running you over with a lorry. now you are going to get hurt if you stand in front of that lorry aren't you? She is the lorry. You need to step to one side.

 

You are drained and exhausted because that is what walking on egg shells does to you.

 

learn to say no. Learn to ignore her.

 

Go running again. Talk to your friends. Catch up with your studies. that is how you stand up again. Just for goodness sake stop standing in the middle of the road.

[zuzuspetals]

Hello SolohikerIke. Wow… really well-written stuff. Cling to your insecurity! – in this crazy world it’s the only thing some of us can always be sure of, Lol. It’s easy to understand why you’re in that dark…limbo-like place. It sounds like she’s been diagnosed, yes? Is she seeing a counselor? Have you been to her counseling sessions with her? You allude to an inevitability of doom for the relationship. What is it that gives you hope, exactly? Do you think that it’s possible for her to recuperate and become capable of the kind of relationship that you deserve? Are you better with her, or without her? It’s sort of hard to tell what it is, exactly that has you feeling like you can’t “get up”. Do you think the use of a good counselor might help you clarify some of these things? What really pulls me out of these sorts of places is my faith in God, and getting into scripture. When love is at play, it makes sense to me to take it to Him. I’ll say a prayer for you.

[zuzuspetals]

Hello SolohikerIke. Wow… really well-written stuff. Cling to your insecurity! – in this crazy world it’s the only thing some of us can always be sure of, Lol. It’s easy to understand why you’re in that dark…limbo-like place. It sounds like she’s been diagnosed, yes? Is she seeing a counselor? Have you been to her counseling sessions with her? You allude to an inevitability of doom for the relationship. What is it that gives you hope, exactly? Do you think that it’s possible for her to recuperate and become capable of the kind of relationship that you deserve? Are you better with her, or without her? It’s sort of hard to tell what it is, exactly that has you feeling like you can’t “get up”. Do you think the use of a good counselor might help you clarify some of these things? What really pulls me out of these sorts of places is my faith in God, and getting into scripture. When love is at play, it makes sense to me to take it to Him. I’ll say a prayer for you.

[Jeannot456]

Hey bud,

 

As others have mentioned above, this is toxic and it is unhealthy for you - you don't need this in your life!

 

I am going to question and say are you trying to be her knight in shining armour? Are you feeling compelled to fix and help her? That may be what is keeping you around and up at night - you need to look after number one which is YOU!

 

Hope it helps.

[Solohikerike]

Thank-you all for your responses. I really appreciate the thoughts.

 

They’re also really tough to respond to. There are tough “you really need to SEE this” kind of questions.

 

The sense that she has been toxic is hard to hear. There was a lot of positive talk, about a deliberate relationship, one that is nurturing (ala Gottman’s books). My ideal (idealised) image is of a ‘team’. We have each other’s back, we go back for someone who is hurt – no matter what. Everyone has their weak moments. Everyone has their strong moments. You sit with a friend who’s missing his family. You’re just about to go in a door and he pulls you back sudden. Looking out for each other.

 

“Its never, ever going to work out with someone who isn't managing their depression. They will drain and suffocate you. The way they treat themselves, is the way they treat you…”

 

These are good lessons. I’d kept making excuses for behaviour (“it’s the depression”) and hoped it would improve with support. I didn’t give enough weight to the action/inaction.

 

“It sounds like she’s been diagnosed, yes? Is she seeing a counselor? Have you been to her counseling sessions with her? You allude to an inevitability of doom for the relationship.”

 

Diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (reported to me at the start) and, more recently, borderline personality disorder.

 

The sense of doom was growing as I noticed my reassurance seemed to fall on deaf ears – to be asked every week “why do you like me?”. A constant issue was of her being criticised at work, people were jerks from the sounds of it. Even a compliment might be taken as critique.

 

“I am going to question and say are you trying to be her knight in shining armour? Are you feeling compelled to fix and help her? That may be what is keeping you around and up at night…”

 

“You are drained and exhausted because that is what walking on egg shells does to you… Learn to say no. Learn to ignore her”

 

‘White-knighting’.

 

I reread one of my textbooks on narcissists and the people who have relationships with them. Narcissism is actually so rare that it’s safe to assume if you think someone is, they are not. But the other person, the one in the relationship, that looked remarkably like me.

 

White-knighting and enabling.

 

Actually this is quite embarrassing. Partly because I feel used and also because that’s also on me.

 

At the same time, I didn’t have all the facts. When she became suicidal again in April I learned she had only been working 10 hours a week in between 4 months of holidays a year. The house I thought she was paying off – a sign of responsibility amongst the chaos – was bought by her parents. Who in turn were giving her cash of about $20 thousand per year. Even so, I rationalised it.

 

But I was working up to two jobs and studying, attending early morning calls for an ambulance, studying for exams in hospital waiting rooms. To then be told I should have been more supportive.

 

I’m feeling quite annoyed now. It’s embarrassing. So I had a growing sense of inevitability. A hole I couldn’t fill. But the several breakups at the end really hammered my self-esteem. That’s what’s on the floor…

 

I think I’ll add to my idealised partnership: “See it for what it is”.

Edited August 30, 2016 by Solohikerike

[aloneinaz]

I've also had a R/S with a women w/the same mental heath issues as your exes. Toxic isn't a strong enough word to describe them. You do feel like you were just got out of combat zone when that R/S ended. Personality disorders are VERY serious stuff.. Throw in depression and anxiety and you have an absolute no win situation. I've been there, survived her toxic BS and have the trophy.

 

You can't fix a person like this. I'm quite certain no one can. What you can do is worry about YOU and YOUR life. While I know the devastating hurt, anger, shock and sorrow you feel now, you will survive.

 

How? Go and stick to NC. The only way to move past this person is to avoid all contact. Block them. Change your phone number. Your goal is your healing and moving onto someone healthy. Time will heal you. As soon as you can, start dating as it helps restore your self esteem and worth. Being around normal women reinforces how toxic a BPD person is.

 

I'm 3.5 years since I got out of my R/S with the same type of toxic person. I've been with my now fiance for 3 years. I look back now with astonishment that I tolerated that ex for as long as I did. My god was the time w/her simply horrific.

 

I recently learned she got engaged at 6 months and then married the guy around a year after meeting him. My thought? That poor bastard...

Edited August 30, 2016 by aloneinaz

[Redhead14]

Hey there,

 

I’d really appreciate some feed-back on ‘standing up’ again.

 

5 weeks ago I fell flat on my butt as a 2.5 year relationship ended – you know, suddenly, though these things rarely are – and I’ve had trouble getting up again.

 

I’m 37, soon starting the 4th year of a 5 year professional degree (a student, oh, yes, nursing a single beer all the night long). Back when it (the relationship) started I was in a great place, positive, a strong sense of purpose, and a ‘can’t lose’ attitude. I had things going on, a few good friends, and ran 2-3 half marathons a week. A couple years ago I was often mistaken for 26 – maybe not drinking, too much clean living, I thought. I had a friend a few years ago who went to serve overseas. When he returned he looked about ten years older. I’d seen it before, I’d been there too. Somehow the experience wore him deeper than me. I’m the guy that isn’t phased. The one who doesn’t panic when everyone else is. But now I feel drained. Increasingly I’d stopped sleeping – maybe several hours a night. Something like the PTSD I never had sees me wake at a bump, a truck, or shake. Heart rate from ‘sleep’ to 100 in a second. I look like my friend did, aged ten years in just 2.

 

My partner, who I’d hoped to marry, had some issues with depression – her profession, or her firm, was the prestigious sort, but which suffers no failure or weakness. “If you’re not a super-star, you’re ****”. The first date blush wore off quickly to reveal someone who I admired: courage, curiosity, humour, quick wit. And a problem with addiction and mental illness. Abused routinely through the course of couple relationships and a pretty extensive history of casual sex, she had scars from self-harming. I started to notice, like clockwork, exam period would arrive and some personal crisis would occur. She stopped taking her medication and became dangerously suicidal. I was hyper-aware of her mood, her body language. I was terrified she’d kill herself. I cried just once as I held her arms, she was bleeding. I had to ask her to get help.

 

I nearly failed exams. I’ve never before needed to ‘cram’. This time I had to stop working and just study seven days – eat, sleep, study, eat, sleep, study. I think it was three weeks, but looking back it was probably two months. At the same time I still cooked dinners, did my share, held her through panic attacks, talked through her feelings. I felt proud. The university publishes a median/ range of grades. I did so well, they don’t even graph figures that high as they’re considered outliers. It feels empty.

 

Over the two months of graft I gradually became distant, the last three weeks irritable. The last week robotic. I wasn’t fun. I didn’t like my own company. I was Working. Then from a Wednesday of hugs, “love you”, and kissing, four days later it was done. In addition to a ten page list of her feelings and my failures, “I want to have more fun”, “I don’t think this is going to work, I’m getting older and I have to try it with someone else”. Followed by several weeks of several messages insisting on no contact, but telling me about social events she’s been attending. Then she ‘accidentally’ runs into me at a place she knew I would be, dressed up, made up, dinner, and dating?

 

There’s a logical part of me that can see this for an impossible thing. The parents who paid for everything. The need for constant attention. The need for constant reassurance; “why do you like me?” Much of the history I learned later, like the frog in water slowly brought to boil.

 

Yet ten pages of feelings and my failure lingers – the sense that I could not have done better, therefore can do no better. The two months of graft basically began as she was suicidal again. She needed me. I wasn’t there. And somewhere, buried in those ten pages, “I don’t think I can get better with you”. Maybe, actually, ‘I can do better than you’.

 

Now somehow the vision I had prior, that thing that carries you through, it’s dark.

 

I can’t shake the feeling of danger.

 

It’s confusing. Like after an IED and someone died. It’s happened already. The worst has already happened.

 

I miss her.

 

And I’m having trouble standing up again.

 

… thanks for listening.

 

And I’m having trouble standing up again. -- Nobody, but nobody, kicks the legs out from under me. I have the same two legs I bring to a relationship that I have if/after a relationship ends.

 

It's over. Grieve, cry, etc. a little bit at a time. It's about resolve, strength and the happiness you have with YOURSELF.

 

You can waste a lot of time thinking about what could have been or spend that time thinking about and planning for what will/could be.

 

Give yourself some time to grieve, do it in little bits while moving forward.

 

You decide . . . Be miserable about something you can't or shouldn't change? Or, be happy and hopeful and give yourself what you deserve . . . a rich, fulfilling life that someone else will appreciate and want to be part of.

 

“I don’t think I can get better with you”. -- She's putting a lot of pressure on you . . . you can't make her happy. She needs to be able to do that for herself.

 

It's not you . . . it's her!!!!