ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, started dating someone right after?

[garmbrust]

I just got out of my first serious relationship 3 weeks ago. I'm just now starting to get over it.

 

We met off okcupid, I felt at the time I was really lucky. I had been struggling with being lonely having no friends really in my college town. I was dating around here and there with girls, it was tough, but ultimately never had a strong connection with any one of them. And then i met her on okcupid. We hit things off great, took her her to a zoo for the first date, went well...2nd date at the beach, had sex, and than we ended up dating for a year. The funny thing is, I was so use to trying so hard for girls on dates before, with her it was different because she was the one that made the most effort, unlike all previous dates, she was infatuated with me, as if I was the catch, this felt too good to be true. She did cute things for me, planned cool places to go to, she was great...it got me out of my rut of being alone. It was great for 10 months, not perfect but it was good.

 

 

However, she came with problems. Her mother had been sick ever since she was a teen, MRSA in her foot, diabetes..was very handicapped, but she was always use to it. She her self, suffered from chronic depression in the past and was medicated. Her family was a mess, her father basically ran out on her and her mom...they both lived together in a bad part of town in tampa ( plant city), smallest house i'd ever seen anyone live in, financially they were bad. She also use to binge on laxatives because she was really self conscious about her weight for years, she was really skinny when i met her. She had a pitbull that really helped her through depression and anxiety, I had no idea of any of this going into the relationship. The pitbull was in a way the only friend she had. She didn't have anyone to talk about her problems to and preferred to be alone, without anyone. I, her mom, and her aunt and grandparents were the only emotional support she had, and even then she only talked to me more so than her mom about anything. I got her to stop the laxatives after we were involved in a car accident in January , and I tried my hardest to support her through her problems...to the point when i was engulfed with accommodating her depression.

 

 

Well, things were great for 10 months...but then i started noticing a change. She started to become distant. Her mother got worse, went on dialysis, and was unable to walk now. Meaning, she had to take care of the chores, work a 35 hour work week to pay for her bills( she worked in an animal clinic where animals were barking constantly...this really stressed her out), and do errands...we only saw each other 2 times a week at max between her life and mine( it was always this way but it got worse). She became cold and distant, said between her job and mother she was becoming a different person, always mad and pissed and stressed out from being so overloaded that she pushed me away. I had no idea how to handle being with someone with depression, I'm a fairly optimistic person...this caused me to become really anxious about us, constantly thinking what was wrong and why we weren't doing good,what she was really thinking, thinking she might be cheating etc. So I tried to support her the best I could....and smothered her a little too much, I tried to be positive with her. She dragged me through the relationship, blaming on depression at times, than saying we were incompatible, than she told me she was bored in the relationship, that our lives were to different since she was established with a career and i was still in school, she flip flopped, cancelled hanging out bc of her "depression", broke up with me through texting, texted me the next day that we were ok and it was just another one of her "moods" and she still loved me(she did that a lot), cancelled days to hang because she didn't "feel like doing anything" or that she was "confused and didn't know what she wanted". I tried to cheer her up and ended up becoming too sensitive to her and overbearing in the process, I didn't know how to keep us good. The sex stopped because of her, and than after 3 months of breaking up and getting back together, me clinging for hope after she told me it would work and not work back and forth...she ended it, said she was unhappy...and used her "depression" as a cop out, and wanted to be single for awhile to figure her **** out. Now I'm not sure if it was legitimately her depression that was the problem, or maybe she met someone else or something...but she denied it when i asked when we talked for the last time .

 

Now, 3 weeks after, she is dating someone new. I saw her profile on okcupid for a week before it was deactivated, when we got off the phonethe last time, I saw that she re made another okcupid profile 2 hours after we were done talking. She seemingly replaced me so quickly for some other dude, who was taller, maybe better looking, and probably more established, from what the guy looks like. I thought that I just didn't have the qualities she saw in a partner that she wanted, the new guy has something I lack...at least for now, if it was a career or anything like that. I often asked myself, was it me? Did i **** it up? Or was it just her, and her "depression"? Did she ever really love me, or was i just another guy that supported her through her problems that might have tried a little too hard? Did she use me? I feel like i failed to keep her. I wasn't perfect in our relationship though, i said stupid things, was irrational sometimes, I said things that were hurtful but would apologize since i never wanted to have her super upset with me, she took things i said the wrong way and we argued sometimes, I wasn't completely innocent by any means. But the way she moved on made it seemed like I somehow as the one that "****ed up", by how she moved on so quick I've been thinking, and I found out i can't fix people. I realize after crying about it with my parents and friends over and over and beating myself up for something that just maybe wasn't meant to work. After all the facebook stalking, blocking her and going no contact, unblocking her, and breaking no contact several times, looking at her new bfs facebook, and all that self-destructive behavior day after day...You can't fix someone that doesn't want to be fixed, by you. You can't force love, right?. All my life, i've been a tenacious person, I don't like to give up..through that I climbed up from community college to now almost graduating with an engineering degree, being really fit/buff, being good at music, and I always thought if i tried hard enough i can make anything work.

 

This was one of the first times where I just couldn't. For my very first relationship(im 25), this was a brutal way to learn this. But it's starting to shape me, and how I view dating. I'm glad i saw her "in a relationship" post on facebook before she blocked me on all media, because it gave me solid closure it was done. even so though, I still think about them being together/having sex, thinking this guy has more to offer than me. How do you get over the idea that you weren't "good" enough to keep that person?

[Toodaloo]

You have to stop thinking about it being all about you.

 

Think about it.

 

Relationships involve two people. Neither of which have any control over each other so if one decides that they want something different there isn't anything the other can do...

 

You have to accept that this is "her". This is as she is.

 

Take your time, don't rush and just let yourself heal. Sounds to me like she is rebounding and I bet in a years time there will be some other bloke...

 

Just keep going out with friends and keep up your hobbies etc. Resist temptation to look at what she is doing on social media and with a bit of time it will slowly start to feel better.

[garmbrust]

I have accepted for the most part, it's just seeing her move on so quickly and me feeling like I failed the relationship that's the hardest part. I feel like if I knew she was hurting after our break up, it would show me that she actually cared for me instead of feeling like I was just this disposable person she seemingly replaced. How do I get over the idea of feeling like I wasn't manly or good enough to keep her? Or like I "failed" the relationship?

[Marc878]

After all the facebook stalking, blocking her and going no contact, unblocking her, and breaking no contact several times, looking at her new bfs facebook, and all that self-destructive behavior day after day...You can't fix someone that doesn't want to be fixed, by you. You can't force love, right?. All my life, i've been a tenacious person, I don't like to give up..through that I climbed up from community college to now almost graduating with an engineering degree, being really fit/buff, being good at music, and I always thought if i tried hard enough i can make anything work.

 

This was one of the first times where I just couldn't. For my very first relationship(im 25), this was a brutal way to learn this. But it's starting to shape me, and how I view dating. I'm glad i saw her "in a relationship" post on facebook before she blocked me on all media, because it gave me solid closure it was done. How do you get over the idea that you weren't "good" enough to keep that person?

 

You're young and should learn some valuable lessons here. It's not about were you "good enough". She has some serious baggage.

 

Your best bet in there situations when they tell you it's over is to believe them. You block and move on. Never come across as needy, cry, beg or plead in front of them. It just lowers your status even more.

[garmbrust]

You're young and should learn some valuable lessons here. It's not about were you "good enough". She has some serious baggage.

 

Your best bet in there situations when they tell you it's over is to believe them. You block and move on. Never come across as needy, cry, beg or plead in front of them. It just lowers your status even more.

 

This was a good learning experience, when we had our break in june..I had a feeling she was getting emotionally detached and over me ( that might have been what made it easier for her to break it off and then start dating again), but I was reluctant to because she blamed it on depression, I didn't know how to handle it and tried anyway. I feel like she played with my emotions, right? She told me she just needed "time" and that we were fine, but obviously things weren't. It made me hold on to hope, and fail to see some obvious warning signs.

 

I'm constantly comparing myself to her new guy because hes seemingly like an "upgrade", how do i get over this pattern of thinking? It's really affected my self esteem, especially when i think about them having sex/being together.