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Almost ghosted...dumped...can not cope


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Hey everyone....I need to write this out and get some feedback to help keep me from contacting my now ex bf. I'm struggling.

 

History; met online, together 3 months (exclusive), 24m and myself 32f. We live about an hour apart and he works away 2 weeks and is home one week...that is his regular schedule. I work full time and have my own home. We would spend about 3-4 days together when he was home normally either at my place or his. I met all his friends and family and got along great with them. He also worked 12 hr shifts and would typically text or call in the AM or PM before and after he started work. We had insane chemistry, got on amazingly. No fighting, no issues. Just lots of laughs and fun times together. This is first man I have ever dated where everything felt so easy and right. We both loved each other and said it often. Sex was incredible and passionate. I am completely in love with him.

 

When we first met he was just starting the process of building his house. He stays at his parents during the week when he is home which is about 10 mins from his new property. As the house started being built he was obviously busier and getting more stressed. Only being home for a week every three weeks was making hard to make progress. He took June off work and got a lot done and we spent a lot of time together at that time. He just recently came home and took another month off work to do more work on his house. This time I could tell he was a lot more stressed about the build.

 

I would hear from him less and less throughout the day and he was finding it hard to find time to visit me. I would go and stay with him some nights after work...but those nights dwindled to nothing. I was getting just a text here and there in the morning and late at night and was feeling pushed aside so I tried to talk to him about it....it got me no where. He just kept saying how busy and stressed he was. How he couldn't even take ten minutes in his day to call me to say hi. Obviously this upset me and I wanted to know what was happening, why things had changed and whether or not we want the same things....ie a long term serious relationship which he had been adamant from the get go he did want.

 

Then he wouldn't return my calls or texts for days. He called me drunk one night and said he was just so stressed and he didnt know what to do and then his phone died. He text me in the morning that he did love me...I said ok and then he went off on me for being mad about him working and being tired. I just said I knew he was busy and I wasn't mad. I didn't hear from him for three days after that until again, in the middle of the night hes texting me and calling me saying I haven't responded so he will get the hint and get out of my life and I probably found someone better etc.

 

I called him the next morning and text him and said I hadn't heard from him in three days. What was going on? Nothing...no response. I didn't hear from him until 10pm and he said sorry he was working on his house all day and just got home.... I called him and he wont answer. I text him why is he doing this to me? Trying to ghost on me or push me aside? Again nothing.... the next day he texts me that he isn't trying to do anything. I ask him if he is trying to break up with me. I ask him why he is treating me this way....nothing. I call him, text him, nothing...radio silence. Then he texts me hes sorry he has so much on his plate right now and he knows he should be there for me more but he is just so stressed and busy.

 

At this point I am just hurt beyond belief. I ask him to please call me and he says he will call me later. He never calls. I call him last night and he wont answer. I leave a message saying I just want to know what is happening and I think I deserve at least that much. I send a text saying the same. That I love him but if he doesn't want to be with me just please tell me. I deserve at least that much. He finally gets in touch with me at 10 this morning and says what drives him nuts is I text him and if he doesn't reply in 5 minutes I think something is wrong...he needs to focus on his house and needs some space but doesn't want to waste my time.

 

I just reply Im sorry for texting him but I feel tossed aside and just wanted some answers. I told him if he wants space I will be NASA and he can have all the space in the world but I also say that he should have the guts and respect to tell me its over and not hide behind this space BS. I guess I got my answer.

 

I deleted his number and contact and deleted him from social media. Our relationship went from the best thing I have ever experienced to gone completely in a span of two weeks. I have no idea what happened. He couldn't handle me and building his house? I am driving myself nuts trying to figure out what happened and I am trying so hard to remain NC but its only been a few hours and I am already losing it.

 

I can't believe someone can tell you they love you and want to be with you and then the next not even have the decency to break up with you...just throw you aside like a piece of trash. I know I don't need anyone in my life who can treat me that way but it's so hard to think about never seeing him again. I don't even get a phone call to say goodbye....it's so hard...

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You got needy and freaked him out. You pressed way too hard with the texting and calling. But I know what it's like to feel like they love you one second and then they can be so disconnected and not seem to care to give you a reason why they're disappearing. It sucks.

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You got needy and freaked him out. You pressed way too hard with the texting and calling.

 

I don't think so. I only text him when he texted me... and it wasnt until I never heard from him that I text him asking what was going on. And sorry but after three months being together and close, I think I deserve a little more communication than a text every few days that basically says nothing. I wasn't being needy I was wanting answers.

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My heart goes out to you. Remember: Behavior/actions is a form of communication. So listen. Don't be afraid to state your wants, needs, and boundaries. But, often what can happen is that you may end up continually stating needs and boundaries while unable to listen to what is being conveyed back (or to what is not being conveyed). You keep hoping but the truth has always been made clear.

Take care

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This type behavior is very confusing, but I think I can shed some light on it, but everyone is going to come behind me and say, No, if he loved you, he'd text every day.

 

I had a hot internet romance going with a guy I had met and whose work I was familiar with, but we hadn't dated face to face because it was now LDR. Right when things started getting serious about meeting and even talking about if things went well, moving in together in a third city, he ghosted, and the reason was because the big journalism job he'd been told he had got yanked away when Obama became the clear forerunner in the first election. This guy wrote serious journalism but also wrote irreverent satire and took shots at everyone, and they were afraid his taking shots would come back to bite them at this media outlet. So now he's without work and starting all over pretty much.

 

Well, he finally took the time to explain to me that he was extremely compartmentalized. You know, males have the potential to be more single-minded and compartmentalized than females because it's said they had to cut themselves off from their feelings in order to be successful at the hunt in ancient times or they couldn't have done it for fear, for empathy, all sorts of reasons. And he said he's always been that way.

 

So he has now no money and our plans turned to crap, obviously, and that plus just the stress of having to try to survive and find work again kept him running hot and cold over a period of about 3 years and 3000 emails. When I was ready, he wasn't ready. When he was ready, I wasn't ready. I finally called it off because it had become a monkey on my back, but we still have feelings for each other and regrets that timing didn't work out.

 

I think your man just literally can't think of anything else except this house right now. To cope with the stress, he's compartmentalized so he doesn't overload. I think you should just tell him you're taking a sabbatical and for him to feel free to contact you whenever he gets his head above water, but that you're going to stop worrying about it. Then do just that and get on with life. And I bet once he gets his nest built, he be back.

 

Yes, it kind of sucks that he can't cope any better than that, but compartmentalization is a real thing with some people. Don't ruin the relationship by continuing to harangue him. You acted like he hasn't given you an explanation, but he HAS, more than once. He's too busy and stressed for maintaining you at the moment. Good luck.

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Yeah you are right. I just don't understand what happened. I also think it's so cold and unfair to not have the break up talk... but I guess I will never get that. That's what makes it so hard to move forward.

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Preraph I think you may be spot on. He literally can not cope with his house and he spilled that his parents are splitting too by wouldn't elaborate. I think it's just all too much for him.

 

I have told him the door is always open so he knows where I stand. I just need to make sure I don't contact him anymore and give him the space he needs.

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This type behavior is very confusing, but I think I can shed some light on it, but everyone is going to come behind me and say, No, if he loved you, he'd text every day.

 

I had a hot internet romance going with a guy I had met and whose work I was familiar with, but we hadn't dated face to face because it was now LDR. Right when things started getting serious about meeting and even talking about if things went well, moving in together in a third city, he ghosted, and the reason was because the big journalism job he'd been told he had got yanked away when Obama became the clear forerunner in the first election. This guy wrote serious journalism but also wrote irreverent satire and took shots at everyone, and they were afraid his taking shots would come back to bite them at this media outlet. So now he's without work and starting all over pretty much.

 

Well, he finally took the time to explain to me that he was extremely compartmentalized. You know, males have the potential to be more single-minded and compartmentalized than females because it's said they had to cut themselves off from their feelings in order to be successful at the hunt in ancient times or they couldn't have done it for fear, for empathy, all sorts of reasons. And he said he's always been that way.

 

So he has now no money and our plans turned to crap, obviously, and that plus just the stress of having to try to survive and find work again kept him running hot and cold over a period of about 3 years and 3000 emails. When I was ready, he wasn't ready. When he was ready, I wasn't ready. I finally called it off because it had become a monkey on my back, but we still have feelings for each other and regrets that timing didn't work out.

 

I think your man just literally can't think of anything else except this house right now. To cope with the stress, he's compartmentalized so he doesn't overload. I think you should just tell him you're taking a sabbatical and for him to feel free to contact you whenever he gets his head above water, but that you're going to stop worrying about it. Then do just that and get on with life. And I bet once he gets his nest built, he be back.

 

Yes, it kind of sucks that he can't cope any better than that, but compartmentalization is a real thing with some people. Don't ruin the relationship by continuing to harangue him. You acted like he hasn't given you an explanation, but he HAS, more than once. He's too busy and stressed for maintaining you at the moment. Good luck.

I agree with this, as it's kind of how I felt with my now ex. I own a few different business's and am facing a pretty large legal "thing" for the past 6 months that's coming to head soon.. She was relentless(not that you are,OP) about acting like "nothing is going to happen you","stop stressing",ect.. For the past 2 months...This legal sh*t has consummed my entire mind! Every waking moment I think about it, I dream about it! She could not understand why I wasn't "Happy".. I had to end things for my own sanity. I know she wanted to "help" me through it but, she was making it worse. Maybe I'm selfish? I don't know.. I just know I couldn't handle it all anymore.

 

Sorry for what you're going through though,Op... Just step back and give him his space to handle what he feels he needs to.

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I am going to do that. I find it so hard to not try and reach out since everything is so unknown. I always need resolution. Any advice? I'm already busy, I ride every night and run, learning guitar. I find at work the hardest because my mind just wanders constantly.

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I am going to do that. I find it so hard to not try and reach out since everything is so unknown. I always need resolution. Any advice? I'm already busy, I ride every night and run, learning guitar. I find at work the hardest because my mind just wanders constantly.

Sorry...I have no advice on that. I,the dumper, even have the urge to reach out to my ex. I know she cares and I do love her(always will) yet I have nothing to say. :(

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I don't think so. I only text him when he texted me... and it wasnt until I never heard from him that I text him asking what was going on. And sorry but after three months being together and close, I think I deserve a little more communication than a text every few days that basically says nothing. I wasn't being needy I was wanting answers.

 

His non-communication was his answer. I'm not saying that is the right way to do it. I don't think it is. I think he should have told you he was done, but the reality is that a lot of people don't do that. They fade away because it's easier. You decision to double down pushed him further away, and it was indicative of your insecurities. Your can't force him to talk to you or to tell you, point blank, that he is done. You can't force anyone to do that. So you need to learn to read between the lines.

 

If his texts dwindled, I would call once, and, if I got no response or they continued go dwindle, I would not initiate any type of communication after that. I would let him do it. You basically did the opposite of that. I know you had strong feelings, but this was a 3 month relationship. 3-6 months is about the time you start to decide if you are up for more of a commitment of in it for the foreseeable future. You still need to be cautious at 3 months. That is a good lesson to learn for the future.

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Preraph I think you may be spot on. He literally can not cope with his house and he spilled that his parents are splitting too by wouldn't elaborate. I think it's just all too much for him.

 

I have told him the door is always open so he knows where I stand. I just need to make sure I don't contact him anymore and give him the space he needs.

 

The reality is that is was a 3 month relationship, and he is 24 yrs. old. It's no more complicated than that. He just wasn't into you for the long haul, and that's fine. You had intense feelings. Maybe he did too, but they fizzled out. It happens.

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I am going to do that. I find it so hard to not try and reach out since everything is so unknown. I always need resolution. Any advice? I'm already busy, I ride every night and run, learning guitar. I find at work the hardest because my mind just wanders constantly.

 

Nothing is unknown here. This is plain as day to anyone looking from the outside. I don't know how much more obvious he can be that he is done with this relationship. All the back and forth, he didn't respond for 3 days, ect. I couldn't keep up, but it all translates to him being done.

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Preraph I think you may be spot on. He literally can not cope with his house and he spilled that his parents are splitting too by wouldn't elaborate. I think it's just all too much for him.

 

I have told him the door is always open so he knows where I stand. I just need to make sure I don't contact him anymore and give him the space he needs.

 

I think if you let him know you are starting to understand how stressed he is and stepping back until he isn't, then wait, maybe he will contact you once in a while just to keep the line open. Do let him know you're not mad or breaking up but just giving him space and you hope to hear from him sooner than later, and sorry about his folks, and hope the house comes together soon. Tell him, Once you get to a place where I can be of any use on the house, feel free to use me to help out. (but only if you want to paint -- hah)

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You know, tiredness can be a factor too. Come to think of it when I finally called it off with the LDR it was because my sister was in the hospital six months (no kids, no parents, just us) and I was worn to a nub trying to take care of her house, her pets, her bills and my house, pets and bills and two jobs and also got crippled up real bad at the same time and having to walk the hospital nearly every day. I just didn't have the energy to even keep up the email with him. I was exhausted. It happens.

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Nothing is unknown here. This is plain as day to anyone looking from the outside. I don't know how much more obvious he can be that he is done with this relationship. All the back and forth, he didn't respond for 3 days, ect. I couldn't keep up, but it all translates to him being done.

 

I would agree but when he did text he was saying - I do love you I'm just really stressed and busy working. I ask if he was trying to break up and he said no I'm not trying to do anything. I asked are we still together and he said I thought we were?

 

So I would normally agree, but every time I gave an out or said, just text me if you want to talk etc..he would text me. But they would be these sentences above and nothing more.

 

I'm not an idiot, I know when people make it obvious they are done... but why did he keep saying he wasn't breaking up with me then? That's just unfair.

 

I agree he is only 24...and that could be the factor here too.

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I would agree but when he did text he was saying - I do love you I'm just really stressed and busy working. I ask if he was trying to break up and he said no I'm not trying to do anything. I asked are we still together and he said I thought we were?

 

So I would normally agree, but every time I gave an out or said, just text me if you want to talk etc..he would text me. But they would be these sentences above and nothing more.

 

I'm not an idiot, I know when people make it obvious they are done... but why did he keep saying he wasn't breaking up with me then? That's just unfair.

 

I agree he is only 24...and that could be the factor here too.

I did the same as him..I wasn't done but, the constant pressure from what was supposed to be support, forced my hand.. AGAIN...Not on you but, I/He has more pressing things on his/my plate at the moment. Just give him space..maybe...maybe..send one last text to let him know that and then cut contact.

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He just texted me:

 

"Why do you thinks it's you and you are enough more than enough. It's just me. I didn't really do anything to break your trust that I know I just have some much **** going on right I'm not going to waste your time any more seeing you once a week because I know you hate that.

 

If I could have seen you more I would have"

 

Not sure what to say...

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He just texted me:

 

"Why do you thinks it's you and you are enough more than enough. It's just me. I didn't really do anything to break your trust that I know I just have some much **** going on right I'm not going to waste your time any more seeing you once a week because I know you hate that.

 

If I could have seen you more I would have"

 

Not sure what to say...

See my above post.

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I just told him I was sorry if I stressed him out more, I understand he's busy and I'm not mad etc. I said I was just trying to figure out if you are ending things or not. I would love a yes or no answer but obviously I can't force you to give one. I said I would leave it to you if you want to work on things and stay together...

 

Then I deleted it so I don't have his number and ball is in his court.

 

I hate this.

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I just told him I was sorry if I stressed him out more, I understand he's busy and I'm not mad etc. I said I was just trying to figure out if you are ending things or not. I would love a yes or no answer but obviously I can't force you to give one. I said I would leave it to you if you want to work on things and stay together...

 

Then I deleted it so I don't have his number and ball is in his court.

 

I hate this.

That was the right move IMO..I really wish my ex had done that but, it was face to face with nothing but demanding answers "now"...So..here I am...alone.

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I would agree but when he did text he was saying - I do love you I'm just really stressed and busy working. I ask if he was trying to break up and he said no I'm not trying to do anything. I asked are we still together and he said I thought we were?

 

So I would normally agree, but every time I gave an out or said, just text me if you want to talk etc..he would text me. But they would be these sentences above and nothing more.

 

I'm not an idiot, I know when people make it obvious they are done... but why did he keep saying he wasn't breaking up with me then? That's just unfair.

 

I agree he is only 24...and that could be the factor here too.

 

It is unfair that he is waffling, but waffling means it's a no go. Sadly, I have learned that the hard way over the years. When someone is not consistent, that's a red flag. He seems all over the place. He says he loves you but disappears for 3 days. It's amazing how many people will play around with you and not be straightforward. I have a really sneaking suspicion he wants to keep you around for sex. It seems like he wants to keep you in his life but at arm's length, and sex can be a reason for someone to do that.

 

Can I also suggest that you speak over the phone to him if you have this type of conversation again?

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He just texted me:

 

"Why do you thinks it's you and you are enough more than enough. It's just me. I didn't really do anything to break your trust that I know I just have some much **** going on right I'm not going to waste your time any more seeing you once a week because I know you hate that.

 

If I could have seen you more I would have"

 

Not sure what to say...

 

If you speak to him, I would do it over the phone.

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OP, I don't think you were being needy at all. He just wasn't able to be the kind of partner that you (and most of us) need, so at 3 months it's probably best to call things quits.

 

I have a partner who works 70+ hours a week. When we had to live 2 hrs apart for work/school reasons, we talked every day regardless of whether we could see each other or not. We also met up most weekends. 3 entire days without communication, unless he was in a coma in the hospital or something, shows that he just isn't that invested in this relationship. Being busy is not an excuse.

 

I don't think you should leave the ball in his court apologizing and begging for him to make a decision. I think you should make the decision for him.

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Veve. I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

If his parents are splitting up then he will be struggling. I know everyone says that he is grown up etc now but it doesn't matter what the age. When your parents split up it is always horrible for the children. At his age as well everything that he thought was "solid" has now been whipped out from under his feet. He is probably thinking stuff along the lines of "why bother with relationships if they are just going to end anyway" etc etc etc.

 

Put that on top of him trying to build a home... Well thats a lot of emotions for a guy to be dealing with.

 

I should just leave him be for now. If he rings be happy and positive. Keep going with everything (get that horse out for a gallop to clear the cobwebs) you do and just keep stable and steady.

 

This guy is all over the place right now. He needs something solid in his life. He is pushing and pulling you about which just isn't fair.

 

Personally I think just stay away until he has calmed down a bit. Perhaps he will come back, perhaps he won't but just keep calm and do your thing. Let yourself heal and get over it and don't hang about for him but do give yourself time.

 

I don't think any of this is "you" at all. I think he is just freaking out about the future. So just keep calm and carry on.

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