KristyD Posted August 22, 2016 Share Posted August 22, 2016 New here and needing to vent... my ex BF broke up with me two months ago, it was a very painful breakup as we were extremely close but after 3 1/2 years he was full of ambivalence and not sure if the relationship was right for him. I felt like he began to point out all of my flaws and negative behavior and he was pontificating about what his perfect partner would be like (who wasn't me apparently). This is what brought the break-up on as I got increasingly tired of dealing with this. We have talked a few times since then and things went ok, we've even met up a few times in person to hang out and things were fine, we hugged and kissed a bit but nothing more. It was nice seeing him as a friend or whatever we were during this transition period. The problem was a couple weeks ago he e-mailed me to ask if I could make a list of the ideal traits I wanted in a partner and he would do the same, and then we could get together to compare notes to see if we could make things work or not. I told him I've been kind of depressed about the break-up and wanted to keep things on a positive note instead of a second breakup where he brings up all of my lousy qualities making me feel bad once again. Obviously this got me all full of hope and happiness that it seemed he was considering a potential reconciliation and out texts had gotten increasingly cutesy and couple-like. When I saw him he was still totally full of confusion about what he wanted to do with his life and if he wanted to be in a relationship with me or not. It seemed he was much more cold and distant than the previous times we hung out. He's obviously extremely conflicted about lots of things in his life and questioning everything. He says he thinks I was holding him back from doing things he wanted to do. So I left this meeting feeling depressed again and was crying all that night. I ended up writing him an e-mail that I didn't know exactly what he was doing but I didn't want to see him anymore if he was going to be messing with my head again. The next day I heard back from him that he's having problems letting go thinking of how wonderful things were, but it's probably better that "we just do our own thing". At this point I don't want to hear anymore about his confusion and I don't want him to give me false hopes. I felt like I was making some progress in feeling better in my life and this incident happened and I feel like I'm back to square freaking one with my breakup recovery. I don't understand why he felt the need to do this to me. Is it about control or manipulation? Is he trying to see how much I still care about him (a lot)? And for what purpose? ugh. thanks for reading! Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 22, 2016 Share Posted August 22, 2016 Sounds to me like he's in pursuit of his "ideal woman," who doesn't exist and is disappointed because he can't make you into her. I wouldn't bother. He sounds immature with this list thingy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
asphyxis Posted August 22, 2016 Share Posted August 22, 2016 It's about keeping his foot in the door. Break ups usually leave both parties confused. I can't say manipulation for sure, but it sounds like unless there have been significant changes, the changes that were there previously in your relationship would still be there. Leave things the way that they are, and I would enforce strict NC. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KristyD Posted August 23, 2016 Author Share Posted August 23, 2016 Sounds to me like he's in pursuit of his "ideal woman," who doesn't exist and is disappointed because he can't make you into her. I wouldn't bother. He sounds immature with this list thingy. Thanks, yeah I agree. Several other people have told me the same thing, the sad thing is he is 50 and I don't think he will ever figure it out. :-/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author KristyD Posted August 23, 2016 Author Share Posted August 23, 2016 It's about keeping his foot in the door. Break ups usually leave both parties confused. I can't say manipulation for sure, but it sounds like unless there have been significant changes, the changes that were there previously in your relationship would still be there. Leave things the way that they are, and I would enforce strict NC. Yeah that is good advice. I am trying. I deleted his contact info. from my phone and blocked him on e-mail I couldn't help but notice his profile is back up on OK Cupid (as we had been communicating there). It seems like he is wanting to keep me around as he explores his other options. Ugh I just have to associate him with the worst type of horrible pain and stop responding to his stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
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