She ended it, but maybe changing her mind

[psiblast]

This is the original thread in the dating sub-forum.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/591755-single-mom-single-dad-taking-slow

 

Just the other day, she broke up with me. I did not beg. I did not cry. I was very composed and rational, and gave her all the reasons why we should stay. It was my girlfriend who was doing the crying (and she NEVER cries).

 

I told her that maybe we just need a break from each other. She said that she wants to just end it.

 

In the end, I thanked her for 9 months of good times, and told her I will let her go. I did not contact her the rest of the day.

 

At almost midnight, she texts me asking me how I'm doing. And then goes on to tell me that she spoke with her best friend (whom I haven't met, but knows all about our relationship), and her best friend basically agreed with my points (of why we should stay together). She went on to say that she know realizes how much I have done for her and what sacrifices I have made for her.

 

I did not respond.

 

The next morning, she sends me another text saying that she feels that she was hasty in her decision to end things (because she was under a lot of stress). She said that it did help release her overwhelming feelings and gave her some space emotionally.

 

She went on to say that talking to her best friend reminded her of how good she has felt around me.

 

In the end, she said that I am right, that we just need to take a break from each other.

 

She is going on a trip this week and returns the following Monday.

 

I responded 24 hours later saying that while I appreciate her words, I don't want to discuss it further at this time because I need some space to think and figure things out.

 

I told her to enjoy her trip, and to recharge herself.

[psiblast]

So at this point, I'm feeling an overwhelming desire to get back with her and rekindle what we had.

 

But I also know that I should go on as if she won't want to come back. It's just really hard to come to that conclusion based on her last correspondence, which has left a window of hope on my end. And that makes it so much harder for me to move on.

[Marc878]

She dumped you for a reason. Has that changed?

 

I doubt it. IMO you're wasting your time on this. I suspect she'll dump you again.

[psiblast]

She dumped you for a reason. Has that changed?

 

I doubt it. IMO you're wasting your time on this. I suspect she'll dump you again.

 

Yes, she had her reasons, and those reasons are things that I cannot change. And she cited those reasons because of just that -- they are just facts that are irrefutable. I don't think she really knows what she wants.

 

She felt stressed by my insistence to spend time with her. The dynamic prior to this summer was one where we were equally busy with our children. We made time for each other working around each other's schedules. This summer, she became more busy, and I became less busy (my kids went to spend the summer with their mom). Looking back at the last couple months, I see how it was almost always me who was initiating contact, asking to spend time, etc -- especially in the last two weeks, because she wanted to end it two weeks ago, but then changed her mind.

 

So after that, we went on another weekend trip and it was wonderful. And I've been pursuing her even more since then (more texting, asking her to call me at night, and even pestering her to be intimate with me when she was tired and stressed).

 

Now she's doing it again (changing her mind). Except this time, she knows I was gone and I broke off contact.

 

So knowing her, and knowing the dynamics of this relationship, it is entirely possible (even plausible) that she was simply stressed from everything else going on in her life, and the pressure I was adding to it put her over the edge. She told me those reasons for breaking up, which were never issues in the beginning -- particularly, the fact that I have two kids. If a woman has a problem with that, wouldn't that be a deal breaker before even agreeing to a date?

[Marc878]

Not necessarily.

 

You may have come across as too needy.

[fromheart]

What I'd say is, stop the pursuing altogether.

 

This is especially important when a woman talks about dumping you, you must make it clear that if she starts to use dumping as a coping method, you will be on your way.

 

Otherwise they tend to dump you and come back to you, then completely lose respect for you and permanently dump you.

 

Stop pursuing altogether at this point. She must come to you. Even if a relationship is going well you must never ask a woman to call you more, this will turn her off. And never, ever pester her to be intimate. Got to be direct here and say that you will push her, or any woman away.

 

So stop pursuing and let her chase you from now on. And if she doesn't reach out, keep moving on. When she contacts you, just have a good time with her.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

To be honest, before I read your previous thread I thought it might be worth considering the possibility of trying again (on the condition that she was prepared to meet more of your needs this time).

 

However, now I can see that this is a pattern with her pushing you away until you are about to give up, then reeling you back in with breadcrumbs. I don't think she expected you to let her go so easily which is why she had a change of heart within hours of dumping you. It doesn't sound like a reflective decision at all. This sort of relationship dynamic is unhealthy.

 

I think you want more than she is (or was) ever prepared to give. If you were happy to be in a casual situation that didn't overlap with her "normal life" she would probably be ok with that, but clearly you want something more meaningful than that.

 

For that reason, I think it is in your best interest to move on and find a healthy and happy relationship someone who wants the same things as you.

[psiblast]

To be honest, before I read your previous thread I thought it might be worth considering the possibility of trying again (on the condition that she was prepared to meet more of your needs this time).

 

However, now I can see that this is a pattern with her pushing you away until you are about to give up, then reeling you back in with breadcrumbs. I don't think she expected you to let her go so easily which is why she had a change of heart within hours of dumping you. It doesn't sound like a reflective decision at all. This sort of relationship dynamic is unhealthy.

 

I think you want more than she is (or was) ever prepared to give. If you were happy to be in a casual situation that didn't overlap with her "normal life" she would probably be ok with that, but clearly you want something more meaningful than that.

 

For that reason, I think it is in your best interest to move on and find a healthy and happy relationship someone who wants the same things as you.

 

I was actually well on my way to moving on, shortly after our breakup Saturday. I immediately took all her belongings in my house and boxed them up out of sight. I deleted all of her text messages on my phone and deleted her contact photo (so if she calls or texts, I don't see her face). We're still friends on Facebook. She rarely goes on Facebook, but she knows I'm on there a lot. So Sunday night, she actually changed her cover photo to one of a rainy day, to reflect her mood, and also to grab my attention (rainy days are special to us because there were lots of memorable moments in our relationship that were tied to rainy days, and she knows it). Maybe that was her way of getting my attention after I didn't return her texts.

 

I think she is afraid of commitment, or doesn't know how. She admitted that she's not good or experienced with relationships and she is not a good communicator.

 

Her longest relationship (by far) was her marriage (3 years). And she has said that her relationship with me (9 months) is by far her longest, aside from the marriage. She's had a few men whom she saw throughout the years after her divorce (it's been 7 years), but only very casually, and none that she would classify as her "boyfriend". That's why I'm different.

 

I'm also different in that I've given her incredible physical pleasure way above and beyond what any other man was able to give. I know that sounds like me bragging, but it is pertinent to the issue, because it is entirely possible that she was using me for sex/companionship. And this might be why she's trying to keep a lifeline to me.

[asphyxis]

As previous posters have said, if shes done it once, she'll do it again. My ex dumped me twice, and I was so upset I fought with him to take me back before our final break up in which it really dawned on me that it was done. Sounds like there's unhealt h aspects of the relationship with her being emotionally unavailable at times. I think you shouldn't rekindle things especially if kids are involved. Remain NC, reflect on the relationship. It's ok to let go of someone you love and care about if the relationship isn't ideal.

[preraph]

Yes, she had her reasons, and those reasons are things that I cannot change. And she cited those reasons because of just that -- they are just facts that are irrefutable. I don't think she really knows what she wants.

 

She felt stressed by my insistence to spend time with her. The dynamic prior to this summer was one where we were equally busy with our children. We made time for each other working around each other's schedules. This summer, she became more busy, and I became less busy (my kids went to spend the summer with their mom). Looking back at the last couple months, I see how it was almost always me who was initiating contact, asking to spend time, etc -- especially in the last two weeks, because she wanted to end it two weeks ago, but then changed her mind.

 

So after that, we went on another weekend trip and it was wonderful. And I've been pursuing her even more since then (more texting, asking her to call me at night, and even pestering her to be intimate with me when she was tired and stressed).

 

Now she's doing it again (changing her mind). Except this time, she knows I was gone and I broke off contact.

 

So knowing her, and knowing the dynamics of this relationship, it is entirely possible (even plausible) that she was simply stressed from everything else going on in her life, and the pressure I was adding to it put her over the edge. She told me those reasons for breaking up, which were never issues in the beginning -- particularly, the fact that I have two kids. If a woman has a problem with that, wouldn't that be a deal breaker before even agreeing to a date?

 

Yes, but sometimes it depends on the kids and how much of your time they demand and whether they like her and whether she agrees with your discipline and many other things. Plus a lot of younger women and men have NO idea what being around kids is like and how it takes over one's life.

[psiblast]

As previous posters have said, if shes done it once, she'll do it again. My ex dumped me twice, and I was so upset I fought with him to take me back before our final break up in which it really dawned on me that it was done. Sounds like there's unhealt h aspects of the relationship with her being emotionally unavailable at times. I think you shouldn't rekindle things especially if kids are involved. Remain NC, reflect on the relationship. It's ok to let go of someone you love and care about if the relationship isn't ideal.

 

Did your ex have commitment issues, or were there legitimate reasons for the break-ups?

[psiblast]

Yes, but sometimes it depends on the kids and how much of your time they demand and whether they like her and whether she agrees with your discipline and many other things. Plus a lot of younger women and men have NO idea what being around kids is like and how it takes over one's life.

 

She has her own kid. I have two. Her child is a year older than my oldest.

 

She is 42.

[asphyxis]

Did your ex have commitment issues, or were there legitimate reasons for the break-ups?

 

From reflection on my part, there were communication issues. Possible commitment issues on his behalf from previous conversations of his past relationships, but ultimately the reasons for the break up were not given to me just that "it wasn't working for him anymore" as he stated twice.

 

But he also didn't have kids, unlike I do so he didn't understand when I had to prioritize my child over a visit with him. Sometimes it just doesn'twork as much as we would have liked it to.

[psiblast]

It's really hard to try to move on from her, when she basically said she wants to just take a break from each other. She's away on a trip this week and returns next week. She needs the stress relief and it will give her the space she desires. I will not be calling, texting, commenting on any possible vacation photos she'd be posting. Nothing.

 

It would have been a lot easier for me if she just didn't contact me after the breakup. Not only did she contact me, but is basically indicating a change heart.

 

I've never desired space from anyone before, so I don't know what that feels like. Well, I did once meet this guy who we shared a great conversation with one day and thought we could be friends. That was until he was all on top of my business and kept texting me non-stop over the next couple days. I stopped responding and I think he got the hint.

 

Is that the same feeling?

[psiblast]

The minutes, hours, and days are moving like quicksand. I am fixated by the date when she returns from her trip, in anticipation that in the days after she comes back, that she'll send me a text.

 

I miss her so much. I cry every day.

 

I hold on to the shreds of hope she left me in her last text messages -- telling me that she remembers how good I made her feel, and realizing how much I have done for her.

 

I feel like her best friend is in some ways, my ally. My girlfriend breaks up with me, then after talking to her best friend, has a change of heart. I want to know what exactly was said. Why is this friend (whom I've never met) on my side? What did she say to her to remind my girlfriend of how good I made her feel?

 

All of these unanswered questions are circling in my mind. I need to take a deep breath, and have patience. I'm really hoping that in a few weeks, I can post a very positive update on my situation.

[NopeNah]

The minutes, hours, and days are moving like quicksand. I am fixated by the date when she returns from her trip, in anticipation that in the days after she comes back, that she'll send me a text.

 

I miss her so much. I cry every day.

 

I hold on to the shreds of hope she left me in her last text messages -- telling me that she remembers how good I made her feel, and realizing how much I have done for her.

 

I feel like her best friend is in some ways, my ally. My girlfriend breaks up with me, then after talking to her best friend, has a change of heart. I want to know what exactly was said. Why is this friend (whom I've never met) on my side? What did she say to her to remind my girlfriend of how good I made her feel?

 

All of these unanswered questions are circling in my mind. I need to take a deep breath, and have patience. I'm really hoping that in a few weeks, I can post a very positive update on my situation.

My advice: Plan for the worst. Hope for the best.

[psiblast]

The other day, a friend suggested that I start online dating again to help me move on and create a distraction. Well I did just that and and felt numb and awful as I was going through the various profiles. I had no interest. I could only think of my girlfriend. So I stopped, and removed the app shortcut from my home screen.

 

Last night, I get a message back from this girl and we started talking. The back & forth banter was pretty good and she gave me her number and told me to text her tomorrow (today).

 

Not sure what to do. I don't know if this is a rabbit hole that I should be going down into. If my girlfriend has no intention of breaking up with me for good, and just needs a little separation time, then I could be ruining that chance. But there's also the possibility that she could come back from this trip and decide that she made the right choice to break up with me on Saturday, and then I'll go through heartbreak again.

 

I feel that if I position this as hopeful situation, then I'm setup to be hurt (again). If I position this as a hopeless situation, then I'm better off trying to see where this new opportunity leads, and I feel like it's hedging my bet in a way.

 

Ugh... tough choices.

[SevenCity]

The other day, a friend suggested that I start online dating again to help me move on and create a distraction. Well I did just that and and felt numb and awful as I was going through the various profiles. I had no interest. I could only think of my girlfriend. So I stopped, and removed the app shortcut from my home screen.

 

Last night, I get a message back from this girl and we started talking. The back & forth banter was pretty good and she gave me her number and told me to text her tomorrow (today).

 

Not sure what to do. I don't know if this is a rabbit hole that I should be going down into. If my girlfriend has no intention of breaking up with me for good, and just needs a little separation time, then I could be ruining that chance. But there's also the possibility that she could come back from this trip and decide that she made the right choice to break up with me on Saturday, and then I'll go through heartbreak again.

 

I feel that if I position this as hopeful situation, then I'm setup to be hurt (again). If I position this as a hopeless situation, then I'm better off trying to see where this new opportunity leads, and I feel like it's hedging my bet in a way.

 

Ugh... tough choices.

 

First, let me say you handled yourself much better than most men would in this situation. You kept your head high and didn't beg. Bravo - it's not easy.

 

I also understand the hurt and pain you are going through. You are waiting for some arbitrary date hoping that might be when she wants back in but you have no idea what will actually happen.

 

As far as the new girl, let me use some logic to help your decision. Would you rather go out with a girl who WANTS to meet you or one who wanted to LEAVE you? Sounds pretty simple to me.

 

By your ex breaking things off, she instantly lost all rights to stop you from seeing other women. You should live your life as if she is never coming back. It's up to her to chase you and prove that she is worthy of your attention again.

 

You might also find that the new girl makes you not want to go back to your ex.

 

Take the power back - take this new girl out and let your ex PROVE she is worth a second chance.

 

I'm in a similar situation with my ex. I haven't dated other women yet but my ex is showing signs she wants back. I too fear it is the amazing sex I gave her that no one else did so I understand that fear of yours.

 

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.

[psiblast]

Thanks for your response. Really appreciate it.

 

You make a very good point regarding wanting someone who is asking me to contact her vs someone who recently rejected me.

 

I don't seem to have PM capabilities. Thanks for the offer though!

[biker23]

I have to agree you handled this amazingly well. Not responding to her texts quickly and basically asking for space yourself.

 

You're on the right track and do not contact her. Let her reach out. Be cautious and don't jump back into couple mode. Changing her fb pic to rainy feels like a game to me.

 

Certainly talk with this other woman but I'd wait to date until you see what happens after this trip. It's a difficult balance.

 

Go watch some brad browning YouTube videos

[psiblast]

I have to agree you handled this amazingly well. Not responding to her texts quickly and basically asking for space yourself.

 

You're on the right track and do not contact her. Let her reach out. Be cautious and don't jump back into couple mode. Changing her fb pic to rainy feels like a game to me.

 

Certainly talk with this other woman but I'd wait to date until you see what happens after this trip. It's a difficult balance.

 

Go watch some brad browning YouTube videos

 

Thanks. I have watched some of his videos!

 

I could be blowing this thing out of proportion and letting the negative inner voice get to me. I really hope that is the case.

[Been]

First you handle it great -wish I could have been as strong as you.

Second-if you take her back she will do it again. Before she broke up she could have thought it out. Im almost 100% shes one of those up and down women-their is no happy middle-its either great or not.

[psiblast]

So last night I continued texting this new girl (we'll call her Carrie) and she seems really smart and we seem really on the same page with regard to what we're looking for. She has no kids, and is totally cool with the fact that I have two.

 

There's just one problem. She's not as attractive as my ex. Face-wise, it's possibly a toss-up. They're very different looking since Carrie is white and my ex is Asian. My ex has an INSANE body, which is a large part of my attraction to her. I fantasize about her body a lot. We used to say to each other how our bodies are so compatible with each other and fit like two puzzle pieces. She is also very physically attracted to me.

 

Carrie, is very average. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get over it. This is only from photos I've seen. I have yet to meet her in person and I'm hoping maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.

 

I know, it sounds like I'm very fixated on looks (and it's shallow), but for me, it all starts there. Without physical attraction, there is nothing. You might as well just be my friend at that point.

 

I hung out with two of my closest friends last night, and they don't know my ex very well. But I've been giving them a lot of detail regarding our relationship and the current situation. They made me realize a little more that I have a lot to offer and shouldn't put her on a pedestal, because she hasn't earned it. This is true, but I just can't stop thinking about the close intimate moments we've shared and how magical they were. I was lacking intimacy in my previous marriage, so I crave it so much. And my ex-girlfriend provided that intimacy that I so desired for many many years. And now it's gone.

 

Carrie and I arranged to talk over the phone this coming Sunday. I'm looking forward to it.

[SevenCity]

So last night I continued texting this new girl (we'll call her Carrie) and she seems really smart and we seem really on the same page with regard to what we're looking for. She has no kids, and is totally cool with the fact that I have two.

 

There's just one problem. She's not as attractive as my ex. Face-wise, it's possibly a toss-up. They're very different looking since Carrie is white and my ex is Asian. My ex has an INSANE body, which is a large part of my attraction to her. I fantasize about her body a lot. We used to say to each other how our bodies are so compatible with each other and fit like two puzzle pieces. She is also very physically attracted to me.

 

Carrie, is very average. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get over it. This is only from photos I've seen. I have yet to meet her in person and I'm hoping maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.

 

I know, it sounds like I'm very fixated on looks (and it's shallow), but for me, it all starts there. Without physical attraction, there is nothing. You might as well just be my friend at that point.

 

I hung out with two of my closest friends last night, and they don't know my ex very well. But I've been giving them a lot of detail regarding our relationship and the current situation. They made me realize a little more that I have a lot to offer and shouldn't put her on a pedestal, because she hasn't earned it. This is true, but I just can't stop thinking about the close intimate moments we've shared and how magical they were. I was lacking intimacy in my previous marriage, so I crave it so much. And my ex-girlfriend provided that intimacy that I so desired for many many years. And now it's gone.

 

Carrie and I arranged to talk over the phone this coming Sunday. I'm looking forward to it.

 

Your friends are correct - you did put her on a pedestal and it's time to take her off.

 

The attraction / hot body things are tough. First, you will always be comparing new women to her because of your feelings. If she had that great a body you'll also use that as a basis for comparison.

 

But....if you were starving and I offered you a hamburger or nothing, would you not eat it because it wasn't steak?

 

You will also be surprised of the attraction that can develop from emotion rather than physical. If you find her attractive that's a start.

 

You also only had your profile up for a bit - why not put it up there and keep it?

 

And yea, the PM thing takes a while here - keep checking on it and one day it should show up. Funny thing, my ex was Asian as well as was my ex wife and another girl I dated after.

 

In the mean time, check out some of these vids:

 

https://www.google.com/search?q=corey+wayne+getting+ex+back+youtube&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8

 

These are the "getting your ex back" videos but he's got many more on picking up and women in general. I've been watching at least a couple a night and not only do they strike a chord parallel with my experience but they also are hysterical.

[psiblast]

Just got a "little" power back. She posted a couple vacation photos on Facebook. I always like her photos or comment on them. I won't be doing so this time. She may be looking for me to do just that and possibly end up wondering why I'm not.

 

Maybe wishful thinking on my part, but I choose to believe it and it helps me relieve some anxiety and pain.