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9 yrs...We're at a crossroads now...long read sorry!


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Hi everyone, Been together with SO for 9 yrs, met in our 20s. We've had our good times and bad ( he cheated a few times throught) I broke trust by looking thru his phone 7 years ago. I was naive and goodhearted (but gullible) I realize that now after so many years. I allowed alot of things, gave alot emotionally, never expected alot in return..Im naturally a caring person and try to make others happy before myself to shorten it up..and I know that was my mistake.

 

He emotionally cheated on me at the end of 2014 with a coworker for 7months. All I told him was chose cause I'm too oldto do this crap anymore. Mid 2015 he started working more and more. I've always helped him like a wife does, his uniforms and coffee are ready in the mornings,dinner etc.we don't have kids; I want, he doesnt. I've been supportive of him and his career for the entire time we've been together, even at the cost of my own goals(career,kids,etc) and i understood I wouldn't see him as often but atleast then he was trying and making time (we actually went out,dinner etc)now beginning of this year 2016, he started saying i was trying to change him, first time was on new years 2016 I asked him if he had fun at my folks and he said "eh,just another day it's all the same to me" I replied "damn, after all these years together id hoped the holidays would be special" all he said was "aww.."

 

Fast forwarday january,February, he kept making thesame remark anytime he would see something on tv that reminded him of what we were going thru or his past. Once he even saw a guy propose to a girl and she said no. He got so upset (like it'd happened to him..his reaction was odd.)he said out loud "that's f%@#$ up what she did to the poor guy bitch" so I snapped back like "oh but when the girl wants to get married and the guy says no what then?" He just looked down and shut up.(cause I've asked him after 9 years if he's thinking about it and he says nothing) he began putting down things I had done in my childhood like going to Disneyland in the 90s. I got happy when I saw the light parades they have on tv and he said"alright calm down, not everyone has had the chance to go to disneyland" I didn't say anything cause he caught me offguard. Ihad been asking him if we could go to disneyland together cause I wanted to share that with him. I gave that up.

 

Then again when my mom and dad had a good few years of work back in the 90s they were able to send us to a private school for a few years (thanku mom and pop!) I was reminiscing and he said "yea not everyone gets to go to a public school, you sure had it good" I replied with "yes, thanks to the hard work of my parents blood sweat and tears they were able to send us for a couple of years. All they wanted was for us to get a good education what's your issue?" I just glared at him like what's wrong with you? Jealous? He's nevery acted that way before. That's when I felt something was off. Mid March he finally stopped saying i was trying to change him after he tried going in for another verbal jab cause he saw something on tv. he even saw how mad I was and he said "I guess i should stop saying that..."and his voice trailed off. But I was already pissed and suspicious.

 

End of April he came home with a big red bruise welt thing on his right side below the ribs,said him and the guys were wrestling (but the guys he hangs with don't look like the type,one acts like a mouse and the other doesn't look like the hands-on wrestly type lol. A week later he went into the nearby city for work related stuff and came home with a "hickey"looking 'bruise" on the right side of his neck. He was carrying a box on his shoulder He said a metal object(imagine the end of the old metal can openers, to pop little holes on the can) was poking out of the corner of the box and scrapped the collar of his sweater. But when he showed me it was the size of a silverdollar coin,circular, deep red. Not scratch like, like he said. And if it scrapped the sweater it wouldn't have left such a mark,it would have acted like a cushion and possibly not left a bruise. His whole story didn't make sense, but I let it slide but kept my eyes open cause things were progressing too fast and to weird.

 

Our sex life had diminished greatly for months. but I attributed it to him having to work 14hr days.but I would always notice things in his drawers that started making me feel he was"preoccupied" somewere else.sorry tmi! I began to think it was a health issue. But I didn't want to blame w/out having facts. I continued to do my part as a good gf and help him in the mornins,dinner ready, house clean etc.but at the end of the 14hr shift he'd go out and play pool,drink with his coworkers and not get home till 2am. Not even a txt letting me know he had gone out. So id be left at home wondering about him and at the end eating dinner alone. when ever his 2 days rolled around and I would ask for us to do something, go out bond over something he never wanted to. I said ok maybe hiking,the park, the beach, nothing. I even tried his activities, pool barhopping, still no. But he always has the energy after a 14hr shift to hang out with his friends.I continued to feel neglected, brought it up once and he got upset saying i had to learn to accept that this is the way his job is and that I had to adapt.but ive been doing that for years already...I saw that red flag.

 

June and July got worst, more odd things with our sex life popped up. I started distancing myself since May I saw the hickey and the stains. Then i had to leave due to a family emergency and while I'm out there feeling emotional hoping my boyfriend would give me emotional support all he said was "aww.." no words of encouragement nothing. I come back home after a week and find our sink fully of maggots (cause he says he never had time to wash)in the frig too. Dead guppies in a bubbly moldy putrid fishtank. Our kitties litter boxes were heavy like cement cause he couldn't stomach it..a weeks worth! Garbage hadn't been taken out,oh but he kept accumulating it in the garbage can. I totally feel like he let me down, he didnt have my back when I needed him to step up.but even that offended him when I brought it up. He said he was so busy,but on our bank statement it even says he went out that week to a bar/club while I was gone.

 

Ive had to detach myself emotionally cause it hurts to much asking for quality time from my SO just to get a no, or I'm tired. Even though his actions show different. I started feeling like it was me he didn't want to hangout with. So I leaned off him and he didn't say or do anything. It was only after a confronted him that he said he felt I had turned cold. So why the hell doesn't he say something if he sees such a sudden change in his girl? I stopped texting, i practically mirrored him.He's never been emotionally supportive. He used to ask me what was wrong but that was years ago. Now it's "you need to learn to redirect your emotions and aggression somewere else, learn to deal with them like an adult." Like hes talking to one of his employees.

 

So I did and I detached. 2 weeks ago I told him I felt like where was something off with us and I'd like to talk to see what's up. I felt neglected, ignored, taken for granted.I gave him examples since he wont believe me unless I have facts, he hangs out with coworkers after work too much and he's their boss. I advised him he should cut back but he acted like i was trying to ruin it for him. I've been a manager before too and I know you have to keep those two lifestyles separate,only causes problems. I was trying to make him see he should stop acting like his coworkers(their range 19-24..he's 32) then he flips it saying i dont do anything at home lol Why do I go out so much with my mom in the mornings?(he's been weird about that one, almost likes he's suspicious or weary?) Said dinnershe never made?lol cause he comes home at 2-3am he never has a chance to eat dinner, why is he even complaining? He even said I wasn't supportive of him and his career?. He said I've told him to quit?! Only after he has said it himself first while ranting about his job. And even then I put him on a pedestal saying how great he is at what he does and that hopefully they see what an asset he is. He said "you can tell me you can do it baby, don't give up etc etc." Um I have txts where I've said all that an more. I told him if he wanted me to pull em up cause of have em...he felt dumb and didnt say anything...it felt really weird how he was trying to flip it. I took the time to bring up the hickey and he immediately said "it's not a hickey" he didn't say that the day it happened..why now?idk. I started telling him how he told me the story and he said he couldn't recall having that conversation?! He said he believes me but he doesn't recall that conversation...omg wtf.

 

I told him I was acting cold and distant cause after coming back from my family emergency thing I was emotionally devastated at seeing my family member in the conditions they were in. Hadn't seen them in 18yrs so you can imagine I was sensitive,raw, a mess. And he says "what did you want me to do?!give you false hope?that everythings going to be ok when I know it's not?!" I know things aren't going to get better for my family member, but I needed that emotional support and he clearly put it out there that he thinks it's a bunch of crap Not even a hug...nothing no consolation nothing.

 

I told him I understand if I'm pushing you into giving me something you cant give me or don't want to, I want to give us space so we can think cause I'm not feeling the same anymore. I told him it feels like hes keeping me in the backburner.right now Hes sleeping on the couch, i thought he would be taking the time to think.He continued to do his thing, continued to pick his coworkers. Still has 14hr days, still goes out twice a week and doesnt get home till 2amHas been coming home later and later, few days ago till 510am. Still dont know who he was with. Cause I sure as hell don't think he would keep his employees out that late if he needs them the next day...

 

 

But the last straw was on his birthday recently. He had been moody the night before, that night went out to celebrate at a pool hall with his coworkers and I didn't know we're he was at. I txt him at 130am and he said he was out. I told him I would have appreciated a heads up that he was going to celebrate his bday with his employees that I had wanted to celebrate with him too. That really sucked...being excluded yet again.

 

It went on for another month, I got tired of it and had one more talk monday to see were he was after these 2 weeks I asked him for some space and to think about taking that break. He said he didn't want to talk about it. I suggested email, but for him to contact me first, since I had already come to him twice and he says "I know you may think that's fair, since u came to me first but I am telling you now I am not going to contact you first. You can email me and i'll reply but I won't do it first." I was giving him a chance to vent, say anything he needed to say even if it was thru email. And he didn't want to. So I said "damn now I feel like you used to back when we were dating...We're you didn't know if you wanted to stay or go, you felt why am I trying so hard to keep this?"(He was still stuck on an ex,didn't know which one of us he wanted to be with, he chose me just cause she wasn't available anymore...but this i found out years into our relationship.ugh)"then i'll make sure to get you that e mail soon or this week" I said. But I don't know how to go about it, it's not fair he's leaving all the chasing to me but im not going to chase is the thing. I'm in the process already of looking for a part time job, already have applications out there, I hate that things started feeling so off. So many red flags like last time.

 

Anyways after we talked monday he's been acting ok, no low tone angry voice.still sleeping on the couch. Update: He just left right now at 1030pm to hang out with coworkers. He's adamant that he doesn't want to discuss this by what he said in our last chat,so I'm taking this as he's portraying himself as single right?(it was his day off today)"now for sure I know we're I stand, have a goodnite..be safe".I text him that. I hate having to think like this after being with someone for 9 friggin years...Im gonna go meditate on this for a bit. Thank you everybody for letting me vent, I respected and loved this this man so much i rarely ever go on sites like this to ask for advice,jus so our lives would be kept private.but I came back from my trip with a whole new perspective Im surprised at myself at how much strength and ladyballs I've grown lol my family notices too. Any advice thank you all so much!

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ExpatInItaly

Good grief woman, where the heck are your standards and self-respect?

 

This relationship has been over for a long time. He doesn't love or respect you and you two are ensnared on this toxic cycle. Yet you pander to him and behave like a good little wife, seemingly in hopes that he'll recognize your value and change. Obviously, he isn't going to.

 

You need to get out of this if you ever hope to have a loving partner an children. This guy is not going to be that loving husband and father you dream of.

 

Spend your time loving yourself enough to end this dead-bed relationship and find someone who actually cares about you. This man doesn't.

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Its dead and buried.

 

Time to quit flogging the horse. It isn't going to get back up.

 

Sorry OP. There are so many signs on the wall that its like a poster board.

 

I know its hard but time to pull up your big girl pants and take back control of your life.

 

Good luck.

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Have a one last talk with him. If he doesnt give a ***** , get ready to leave.

 

You gotta give your best shot then you will leave with no regrets.

 

My friend is also pretending to be a happy partner when her bf has no respect for her. They are together for 4 years. She said she cant leave him because they have a house together. I find her full of nonsense.

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Hi everyone, Been together with SO for 9 yrs, met in our 20s. We've had our good times and bad ( he cheated a few times throught) I broke trust by looking thru his phone 7 years ago. I was naive and goodhearted (but gullible) I realize that now after so many years. I allowed alot of things, gave alot emotionally, never expected alot in return..Im naturally a caring person and try to make others happy before myself to shorten it up..and I know that was my mistake.

 

He emotionally cheated on me at the end of 2014 with a coworker for 7months. All I told him was chose cause I'm too oldto do this crap anymore. Mid 2015 he started working more and more. I've always helped him like a wife does, his uniforms and coffee are ready in the mornings,dinner etc.we don't have kids; I want, he doesnt. I've been supportive of him and his career for the entire time we've been together, even at the cost of my own goals(career,kids,etc) and i understood I wouldn't see him as often but atleast then he was trying and making time (we actually went out,dinner etc)now beginning of this year 2016, he started saying i was trying to change him, first time was on new years 2016 I asked him if he had fun at my folks and he said "eh,just another day it's all the same to me" I replied "damn, after all these years together id hoped the holidays would be special" all he said was "aww.."

 

Fast forwarday january,February, he kept making thesame remark anytime he would see something on tv that reminded him of what we were going thru or his past. Once he even saw a guy propose to a girl and she said no. He got so upset (like it'd happened to him..his reaction was odd.)he said out loud "that's f%@#$ up what she did to the poor guy bitch" so I snapped back like "oh but when the girl wants to get married and the guy says no what then?" He just looked down and shut up.(cause I've asked him after 9 years if he's thinking about it and he says nothing) he began putting down things I had done in my childhood like going to Disneyland in the 90s. I got happy when I saw the light parades they have on tv and he said"alright calm down, not everyone has had the chance to go to disneyland" I didn't say anything cause he caught me offguard. Ihad been asking him if we could go to disneyland together cause I wanted to share that with him. I gave that up.

 

Then again when my mom and dad had a good few years of work back in the 90s they were able to send us to a private school for a few years (thanku mom and pop!) I was reminiscing and he said "yea not everyone gets to go to a public school, you sure had it good" I replied with "yes, thanks to the hard work of my parents blood sweat and tears they were able to send us for a couple of years. All they wanted was for us to get a good education what's your issue?" I just glared at him like what's wrong with you? Jealous? He's nevery acted that way before. That's when I felt something was off. Mid March he finally stopped saying i was trying to change him after he tried going in for another verbal jab cause he saw something on tv. he even saw how mad I was and he said "I guess i should stop saying that..."and his voice trailed off. But I was already pissed and suspicious.

 

End of April he came home with a big red bruise welt thing on his right side below the ribs,said him and the guys were wrestling (but the guys he hangs with don't look like the type,one acts like a mouse and the other doesn't look like the hands-on wrestly type lol. A week later he went into the nearby city for work related stuff and came home with a "hickey"looking 'bruise" on the right side of his neck. He was carrying a box on his shoulder He said a metal object(imagine the end of the old metal can openers, to pop little holes on the can) was poking out of the corner of the box and scrapped the collar of his sweater. But when he showed me it was the size of a silverdollar coin,circular, deep red. Not scratch like, like he said. And if it scrapped the sweater it wouldn't have left such a mark,it would have acted like a cushion and possibly not left a bruise. His whole story didn't make sense, but I let it slide but kept my eyes open cause things were progressing too fast and to weird.

 

Our sex life had diminished greatly for months. but I attributed it to him having to work 14hr days.but I would always notice things in his drawers that started making me feel he was"preoccupied" somewere else.sorry tmi! I began to think it was a health issue. But I didn't want to blame w/out having facts. I continued to do my part as a good gf and help him in the mornins,dinner ready, house clean etc.but at the end of the 14hr shift he'd go out and play pool,drink with his coworkers and not get home till 2am. Not even a txt letting me know he had gone out. So id be left at home wondering about him and at the end eating dinner alone. when ever his 2 days rolled around and I would ask for us to do something, go out bond over something he never wanted to. I said ok maybe hiking,the park, the beach, nothing. I even tried his activities, pool barhopping, still no. But he always has the energy after a 14hr shift to hang out with his friends.I continued to feel neglected, brought it up once and he got upset saying i had to learn to accept that this is the way his job is and that I had to adapt.but ive been doing that for years already...I saw that red flag.

 

June and July got worst, more odd things with our sex life popped up. I started distancing myself since May I saw the hickey and the stains. Then i had to leave due to a family emergency and while I'm out there feeling emotional hoping my boyfriend would give me emotional support all he said was "aww.." no words of encouragement nothing. I come back home after a week and find our sink fully of maggots (cause he says he never had time to wash)in the frig too. Dead guppies in a bubbly moldy putrid fishtank. Our kitties litter boxes were heavy like cement cause he couldn't stomach it..a weeks worth! Garbage hadn't been taken out,oh but he kept accumulating it in the garbage can. I totally feel like he let me down, he didnt have my back when I needed him to step up.but even that offended him when I brought it up. He said he was so busy,but on our bank statement it even says he went out that week to a bar/club while I was gone.

 

Ive had to detach myself emotionally cause it hurts to much asking for quality time from my SO just to get a no, or I'm tired. Even though his actions show different. I started feeling like it was me he didn't want to hangout with. So I leaned off him and he didn't say or do anything. It was only after a confronted him that he said he felt I had turned cold. So why the hell doesn't he say something if he sees such a sudden change in his girl? I stopped texting, i practically mirrored him.He's never been emotionally supportive. He used to ask me what was wrong but that was years ago. Now it's "you need to learn to redirect your emotions and aggression somewere else, learn to deal with them like an adult." Like hes talking to one of his employees.

 

So I did and I detached. 2 weeks ago I told him I felt like where was something off with us and I'd like to talk to see what's up. I felt neglected, ignored, taken for granted.I gave him examples since he wont believe me unless I have facts, he hangs out with coworkers after work too much and he's their boss. I advised him he should cut back but he acted like i was trying to ruin it for him. I've been a manager before too and I know you have to keep those two lifestyles separate,only causes problems. I was trying to make him see he should stop acting like his coworkers(their range 19-24..he's 32) then he flips it saying i dont do anything at home lol Why do I go out so much with my mom in the mornings?(he's been weird about that one, almost likes he's suspicious or weary?) Said dinnershe never made?lol cause he comes home at 2-3am he never has a chance to eat dinner, why is he even complaining? He even said I wasn't supportive of him and his career?. He said I've told him to quit?! Only after he has said it himself first while ranting about his job. And even then I put him on a pedestal saying how great he is at what he does and that hopefully they see what an asset he is. He said "you can tell me you can do it baby, don't give up etc etc." Um I have txts where I've said all that an more. I told him if he wanted me to pull em up cause of have em...he felt dumb and didnt say anything...it felt really weird how he was trying to flip it. I took the time to bring up the hickey and he immediately said "it's not a hickey" he didn't say that the day it happened..why now?idk. I started telling him how he told me the story and he said he couldn't recall having that conversation?! He said he believes me but he doesn't recall that conversation...omg wtf.

 

I told him I was acting cold and distant cause after coming back from my family emergency thing I was emotionally devastated at seeing my family member in the conditions they were in. Hadn't seen them in 18yrs so you can imagine I was sensitive,raw, a mess. And he says "what did you want me to do?!give you false hope?that everythings going to be ok when I know it's not?!" I know things aren't going to get better for my family member, but I needed that emotional support and he clearly put it out there that he thinks it's a bunch of crap Not even a hug...nothing no consolation nothing.

 

I told him I understand if I'm pushing you into giving me something you cant give me or don't want to, I want to give us space so we can think cause I'm not feeling the same anymore. I told him it feels like hes keeping me in the backburner.right now Hes sleeping on the couch, i thought he would be taking the time to think.He continued to do his thing, continued to pick his coworkers. Still has 14hr days, still goes out twice a week and doesnt get home till 2amHas been coming home later and later, few days ago till 510am. Still dont know who he was with. Cause I sure as hell don't think he would keep his employees out that late if he needs them the next day...

 

 

But the last straw was on his birthday recently. He had been moody the night before, that night went out to celebrate at a pool hall with his coworkers and I didn't know we're he was at. I txt him at 130am and he said he was out. I told him I would have appreciated a heads up that he was going to celebrate his bday with his employees that I had wanted to celebrate with him too. That really sucked...being excluded yet again.

 

It went on for another month, I got tired of it and had one more talk monday to see were he was after these 2 weeks I asked him for some space and to think about taking that break. He said he didn't want to talk about it. I suggested email, but for him to contact me first, since I had already come to him twice and he says "I know you may think that's fair, since u came to me first but I am telling you now I am not going to contact you first. You can email me and i'll reply but I won't do it first." I was giving him a chance to vent, say anything he needed to say even if it was thru email. And he didn't want to. So I said "damn now I feel like you used to back when we were dating...We're you didn't know if you wanted to stay or go, you felt why am I trying so hard to keep this?"(He was still stuck on an ex,didn't know which one of us he wanted to be with, he chose me just cause she wasn't available anymore...but this i found out years into our relationship.ugh)"then i'll make sure to get you that e mail soon or this week" I said. But I don't know how to go about it, it's not fair he's leaving all the chasing to me but im not going to chase is the thing. I'm in the process already of looking for a part time job, already have applications out there, I hate that things started feeling so off. So many red flags like last time.

 

Anyways after we talked monday he's been acting ok, no low tone angry voice.still sleeping on the couch. Update: He just left right now at 1030pm to hang out with coworkers. He's adamant that he doesn't want to discuss this by what he said in our last chat,so I'm taking this as he's portraying himself as single right?(it was his day off today)"now for sure I know we're I stand, have a goodnite..be safe".I text him that. I hate having to think like this after being with someone for 9 friggin years...Im gonna go meditate on this for a bit. Thank you everybody for letting me vent, I respected and loved this this man so much i rarely ever go on sites like this to ask for advice,jus so our lives would be kept private.but I came back from my trip with a whole new perspective Im surprised at myself at how much strength and ladyballs I've grown lol my family notices too. Any advice thank you all so much!

 

You aren't at a crossroads . . . you're at the end of the road. You were at a crossroads back in 2013 when he started having an emotional affair with a woman that went on for 7 months. That is when you were at a crossroads and chose the wrong road. I'd say you two were having trouble before 2013.

 

Sit down with him and tell him you're moving on. It's way over due. I'd rather be alone and happy than feeling like I was alone in a relationship . . .

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Sunkissedpatio

Oh dear, never mind all you explained about how he abandoned you while tending to a family matter, the deplorable condition of your home when you got back, but the multiple cheating and fact alone that you want kids and he doesn't is a huge HUGE compromise to make for someone you have been with for 9 years and there is no plan on the horizon to make the relationship official (not that you should, in my opinion, given what you have expressed here)

 

The question is why in the world do you want to continue with this man? Or better yet, because I know the answer will be some variation of "because you love him" but I don't see any redeeming qualities that you can list after all the lines this man has crossed with you that are pretty much deal breakers for most everyone else that would compensate for it, what is it about this man that you love so much and are willing to give up so much for to be with him? Other than your 9 years invested...

 

My advice to you would be to continue on the path of detachment no turning back even if does "grant you a talk" :rolleyes: and when you feel strong enough start to plan your exit strategy. You are still young and will have more than enough opportunities to fall in love again and even have kids. The longer you wait the harder it will get and you can kiss your personal goals and dreams goodbye.

 

I know 9 years is a long time but this relationship overstayed it's welcome by approximately 7 years in my view. If by the 2 year mark you are not seriously planning on a committed future together (marriage, family) provided it is what you both want, then it's time to move on. Not mutually wanting those things is a serious sign of incompatibility, never mind all the cheating and general disrespecting that is happening in your situation.

 

I hope you continue on your path of strength and can get out for good.

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This isn't an end of a RL, it's cruelty at its worst.

 

The only thing that could make it worse is if he beats you.

 

9 years is a long time but you will be much happier with ANYONE else.

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Thank you everyone for your input and advice. I feel numb ..yet all the while trying to focus on my job search. My heart took a little longer to realize what my mind was telling me was right. I've accepted he wont take the first step or fight for this and I've come to terms with that.I can't afford to wait for any type of explenation. I dont need it anymore. I just want to feel secure...Right now it feels like we're in a roomie situation. We're civil, talk about our day. But we each have our own agenda...our own social lives.

 

He got home at 4am the night of the last text. Next day his usual quiet self on the couch. I acted like nothing had fazed me. I can feel him staring hard sometimes, especially when I mirror him. When i act nonchalant when he does something that he knows would upset me if I was his gf. But since were roomies I don't feel that jealousy, or nagging concern of who he's with, why doesnt he want to hang out w/me? Etc always questioning myself if I had done something wrong. I just chill on my laptop and binge watch as many black and white movies I can think of, horror, foreign all the ones he never wanted to watch with me.

 

I really feel pathetic that I tried so hard..I know that's going to take a while for me personally to get over. I made myself a damn fool..I really thought he was going to fight for us..but I think it's just my heart talking again. I wanted to feel like he still sees something worth saving.stupid heart ugh?? im taking it slow..I cry myself to sleep at night, keeps the nightmares away. It's hard living together and keeping our distance at the same time. I don't check my phone for txts, I preoccupy myself so I don't have to think about this so much...only when I'm really alone or he's deep asleep if when my memories and tears can flow. But I think about my goals and I get determined..I really need that strength rite now. I gotta keep trudging along.. Ima keep going, gotta keep moving...

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ExpatInItaly

You will not be able to continue living together.

 

The relationship isn't going to get better, and you are going to feel worse having to be around him.

 

Can you start putting a plan together to find another place to stay?

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ActuallyI got this place on my own, then he moved in. We have a bunch of pets too,I aint going nowhere lol. He has the career,funds etc he can easily move out. I did my part in trying to make it work till the very end...he showed me he doesn't give a damn so I'm staying put and he's going to have to find his own way out .I just need to secure a job so I can pay my rent and bills when he leaves. I aready had a few call backs so I anticipate interviews in the next few weeks. He thinks I'm bluffing, but thats my fault for never having put real consequences to his actions. It was always a slap on the wrist, makeup sex, and then same old same old a few months later.

 

He was already ignoring the relationship, no communication etc. So this NC doesn't feel as awful as Id thought it would..or maybe im just so numb after everything , i just dont feel angry anymore..I'm too focused on other things. doing my own thing without him doesn't hurt as much and I'm glad I feel that way. I'm not one to hold grudges like he tends to do, I don't hate what we had or who he is or continues to want to be.. Cause at one point it's what I wanted and I actually learned a lot of **** from it. It just irks me that I was naive in thinking he wanted a future with me. He made me believe that it was all for us. I was the stay-at-home gf and he worked and brought home the $. But I could never look at the bank statements, when I did have good jobs he'd get quiet thinking I'd outdo him? I think he felt intimidated somehow idk. But when I didn't have a job he felt like king of the world. Even asking for $ or support for school he always said that the home would suffer etc. Omg i was able to juggle a job and get my own place before I met him! I know i'll get back on track..

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  • 2 weeks later...
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It's been weird as we've been transitioning...since i told him i saw were i stood that one night weve been more like roomies.Still no contact during the day, we chill together at night if we're both at home. We sleep in the same bed due to him having back issues and such but here's the part were I'm kicking myself, is that since we both sleep in the same bed we ended up having sex a few nights ago for the first time in a month. To me I was just in the mood and he was there,* we went for it and after words it didnt feel like a commitment, just a no strings attached deal. I've been feeling the same, focused on finding a job (yay already had interviews!) So I'm feeling good, I can feel my self esteem coming back. Now since he wont be the first to talk to me I'm assuming he's taking this like i am, a no strings(roomies w/benefits deal. We used condoms.) And as soon as I get my job and start paying my portion of bills it'll get easier for him to move out.

 

But Now he kisses me on the cheek when he leaves for work. He's been bringing me dinner when I least expect it, and it's food he knows I love. He still goes out drinking, pool etc w/friends, but i go out in the daytime and* I get to do the things ive wanted to do for a long time. He's told me hes going to start going to the gym w/his coworker. I'm cool with it because I'm already on a fitness regimen myself and i know seeing the results boosts your confidence. He hasn't gone yet tho. I don't know how he's going to make time to go to the gym if he's got so much on his plate already..but ok.

 

I notice he's trying to get close at night, 9 years habits are hard to break. But I don't have any hope of him making the first move to have a conversation at least(I couldnt even get him to communicate through email)so as to were he thinks he stands, I have no idea. Maybe it's just my curiosity to know how he's doing, if he's hurting like i am. Our 10yr anniversary would be in November. I'm glad I get the house to myself at night till he gets home that way we don't interact as much, but damn it still friggin hurts. Just needed to rant, lately sad love songs have found their way onto my Pandora music lists, and now I'm starting to feel mushy and emotional and crap lol ughh...

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  • 5 months later...
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It's been 5 months since we went on break, now we're officially done. After seeing him act all non chalant about the situation of our relationship, after having tried one last time to work it out with him i decided to end it. Still refuses to look at things like an adult and communicate. He was doing spiteful things to get back at me "consequences to my actions" he said. Such a childish way to think, I in no way shape or form did anything spiteful while we were going thru this. He chose his coworker friends so I let him go, he can continue to act like hes in his 20s but im done waiting. I'm staying in my apartment and have been doing great at work, I'm almost done with my studies and getting ready for a better career very soon. I no longer feels sad because he showed me by his lack of action that i didnt matter enough to fight for. I actually feel relieved because I know someone's out there waiting for me, who will. I can finally breath a sigh of peace, better to be alone for now than in negative company. What's sad is he still thinks I might come back in the future, But I know I won't go back, Iv never gone back to an ex and i intend on keeping it that way. Thank u all for the tough love and straight forward replies?I'm so happy I'm feeling like my old single self again lol centered aND ready to take on whatever comes my way..

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Good for you!

 

It's great to read happy updates to these threads. You are going to provide a lot of hope to others reading that there is life - and a much better one - after the end of a relationship!

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we don't have kids; I want, he doesnt.

 

I am glad you are finally free.

 

BUT never compromise on such an important thing as kids.

If you want kids and he doesn't, then walk away quick. YOU will not be able to persuade him very easily and if you do, it will be a source of resentment in your relationship.

If you stuff your dreams of having kids away, then it will be you that will resent him big time especially when you hit your late forties/fifties when when having kids is a near impossibility.

 

You are a

.
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Thank you all. and yes i used to be a people pleaser i totally admit that lol. I've been able to take my time and continue to learn from all this but I no longer want those things with him, that is why i decided it was best to walk away and live my life, because I know there's someone out there that will want those things with me?

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