Wifes best friend has moved in -- I'm out

[CountZero]

About 8 months ago my wife's best friend and her kids moved in with us. This was after the WBF asked her husband to leave. She moved in with us and husband moved back home. We have had meetings as a trio over the last 8 months where we all three work through problems that arise with the kids and with each other. The WBF can be kind of volatile at times since she is taking meds every day for chronic migrains. She seems to be very disconnected with her husband, and from what she says, she has ruled out just about any possibility of reconciliation with him. We have had some issues because my wife spends alot of time with this friend, and I sometimes feel like Am second when it comes to her time after the kids.

 

Then about 2 weeks ago my wife and I had what I would call a minor blow out. That days ends with my wife locking herself in the bedroom and telling me that the only way she will talk to me now is if I can convince the WBF to trust me. So the WBF and I have a long discussion and she tells me in short,"My wife shouldn't have reacted the way she did." The whole event could have been handled with an "Of you blew it, lets understand the issue and move on". My thoughts exactly. Furthermore she tells me that compared to my problems, my wife is holding a really

big one that she cant get out.

 

The next day there is no improvement. Wife not talking and the WBF not talking to me either. I'm told to just leave her alone, but inside I'm in a panic because in less than 2 weeks my wife and I are suppose to take a vacation together. The fist vacation together for us in over three years. So a couple more days on the couch, and my wife tells me that I'm not going with her. She's going alone, so she can work on her problems without me. She cant do me while she's working on herself. This doesn't go over well with me, but I concede. After all I'm reminded that I was only invited to go along with her to be her support. Okay it doesn't sound like vacation anymore... Well spring break with my wife and for a couple days her sisters... Maybe I had a fantasy about it, but I don't think I was unreasonable having felt some loss here.

 

A couple days later she tells me she doesn't want me to try to talk to her or the kids, and that in order for her to go away, I would have to agree to some stipulations. I say okay and so my wife and I are hashing out the arrangement. She's only saying to do the right thing. I don't know that any of this is the right thing, up to this point, I was sleeping in a separate guest bedroom and coming in for meals. I'm assuming that the new matrix will be no more use of the house while I could still use a separate guest bedroom to sleep. Then while we're talking about

whether or not I could use the house for showers the WBF comes in and trumps the conversation. She says "It has to be a clean break. You find somewhere else to live for the next 10 days, or your wife cant go!" So I try to reason with and calm the WBF down. I have work thats connected to the house. The discussion gets nowhere, then my wife comes in and says "You pack what you need and leave for 20 days!". Okay I say to her, and I pack my bags.

 

So I've got my bags packed and I come in to say goodbye to my wife and kids. Id like this situation to end on a pleasant note. My wife is flying away by herself, and my kids are without either of us for a week, I don't know I just wanted to say goodbye. So I come in and they're talking about me, about how stupid I must be to not understand what the right thing to do is... I say something about the affect this might have on one of our kids (all 5 kids happen to be in the room). The WBF gets very agitated, and screaming she tells me to leave. This doesn't affect me. I don't feel that I have to leave my own house when someone I invited in there is yelling at me. She threatens to call 911. I stand there calm and she proceeds to call.

 

At first I didn't think she was serious. Who's in danger here? But she lies to the operator, "The husband is assaulting his wife", Huh? This was a serious conversation, but it was civil up until the WBF went berserk. So when she starts giving details about the color of my car I'm thinking, "Crap, the police are coming. " So I say loud enough for the dispatch to hear, "Don't bother, Cm leaving" I drove around the block and came back to the driveway before the police arrive. I give my report, and they go into the house. By the way, the police thanked me for staying since they usually get only one side of the story. Twenty minutes later my wife and one of the police come to the car. The policeman wanted to tell us both together that this friend has no business in our affairs. He said that several times during his report (he must have taken 7 stories) and that she interrupted the process and was very agitated. The policeman also stated that this sort of thing should never happen in front of the children and that any additional reports will signal CPS to come in and take the kids away. Is this frightening or what? I know that this will all be blamed on me and for what? But no ones talking.

 

The next day my wife tells me its all off, She's not going anymore and that there

would be repercussions. I try to convince her she should go, but she only says she

is completely shut down and has nothing to say.

 

So now what do I do? Do I continue to try to trust the best friend? She was helpful in our marriage for a time, but now it feels like her problems are getting in the way of my wife and I. I've got two more weeks of the 20 days left. I have zero contact with my wife. I'm sure she loves me. I'm worried that advice she's getting from this friend. I'm worried that she has already replaced me emotionally.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can't know the other side of the story, but from your post I can only say this:

 

Trust her? This poisonous bitch moved into your home, insinuated herself into your life and your marriage, and proceeded to spread a cancer throughout every aspect of your home that is killing any chance that you will ever have with your wife. It may have started well-intentioned, and this woman may actually think she's helping, but whatever problems your wife had with you, have been fanned into huge infected open wounds by this disease of a woman - and until she is rooted out of your life, those wounds will never heal because you can bet this woman will be right at your wife's side, picking at the scabs when it suits her to do so. I feel bad for her kids, but this woman has got to go.

 

 

Strategies? Call a lawyer. Tell the lawyer everything. Take copies of the police reports. Ask if you have any legal means of forcing this woman out of your home, since her presence is clearly the problem. Discuss separation/divorce options, as well.

 

Let your wife know that you are willing to go to marriage counseling and are committed to making your marriage work - but that this woman's presence is counterproductive to that. Should she choose the best friend, then let her know that there is no choice but divorce. Its tough, but your wife needs to know how serious you are about her making a choice between you and your marriage, or the best friend since they cannot coexist. Right now, you are allowing her to not have to make a choice, and this manipulative woman by her side knows this. In fact, she's counting on it.

[Debster]

Count Zero, I'm new to your story so before I give my take, can I get some more information.

 

At the beginning of your post, it didn't seem like there were any marital issues between you and your wife.

Then all of a sudden after a blow up she's telling you she's not going on vacation with you and that you need to move out of the house. That's a huge jump in the story. Was something going on before?

[Debster]

Count Zero, I'm new to your story so before I give my take, can I get some more information.

 

At the beginning of your post, it didn't seem like there were any marital issues between you and your wife.

Then all of a sudden after a blow up she's telling you she's not going on vacation with you and that you need to move out of the house. That's a huge jump in the story. Was something going on before?

[CountZero]

Where do I begin? Ive been married for 21 years. For most of this marriage I would say we've been happy. My wife and I had our share of problems, but we seemed to work through them. I recently learned that my wife pretended to be happy. I guess you could say we were co-dependant. She would filter the world for me, so that I wouldnt get upset. Problems were never really handled, since she did such a good job. One would sneak past her and we'd have a fight. Verbal, never physical. Three years ago my stress level was extreem since I was working for a company with a planned shutdown. I was paid well to work until the company closed its doors, but the stress was enormous. I vented on her and she had enough. It was the first time (and last) that I called her a bad name.

 

She asked me to move out for awhile. This was really overwhelming for me, but I

had to trust her. She says she loves me and would never leave me. I have pretty

strong abandanment issues, and it would tear me apart to see her leave. But to make this story short, we had eight weeks apart. During this time we had communication that was up and down. She was trying to trust me. I plugged into a multitude of programs to try to better understand myself. Her trust was slow to return, but we steadily worked through my issues and her complaints of my being too controling of our family. Over the last two plus years I have learned alot, and I think she and the best friend would admit that I've made alot of progress.

 

The fact that just a couple weeks ago I asked her how she was doing, and she told me that she's the happiest she's ever been. We had a once a week "date night" that we both looked forward to. So how does this compute. Leading up to the latest break, she was trusting me so completely, that when I let her down - she completely shut down. This hurts me so much to know now that I really blew the chance to be of some help to her... if she would only give me another chance. Now Im in complete isolation. I dont know if this is for me. For me to learn to conquer my fear of being abandoned, or is the isolation for her, so she can conquer her insecurites.

 

So that said, the original question is about the live in friend that might be poison to this marriage. Its a difficult situation, since I care about what happens to her too. I did originally welcome her and her kids. Ive done my share of assuring her that her husband is wrong for alot he has done. She's told me that she trusts me more than she ever trusted her own husband. She's even told me that her husband has never seen her as angry as she has been in my house.... that one perplexes me know since she's got to be lying, or just maybe, she taking out on me the anger that she feels toward him... What a mess I'm in. I cant just come home and tell her to leave. I feel under the present circumstances Id end up divorced. As I stated before, my wife trusts completely the advice of this woman. She doesnt have the greatest track record with relationships, so why should I put my trust in her now? At one point I think she actually took credit for the fact that my wife and I were still together... ah but I ramble...

[tanbark813]

I really don't fully understand what's happening with your situation, but why does it matter if the WBF trusts you or not? She's staying in your home and you have to earn her trust for you to live there and for your wife to want to work things out with you?? How does that work?

 

[CountZero]

Good question. It goes something like this: My wife stops trusting me. The trust for her is broken because we're having an argument, and I'm not giving in to her. Im trying to defend myself (rightly or wrongly). Seems like Im always wrong these days not matter the truth of the matter. So she nuts up and shuts down (ie stops talking and leaves the room). At this point she has a mediator that he still trusts - the WBF... so she says plainly, "I dont trust you. When you can convince the WBF that Im (trustworthy?) then she will talk to me again." The latest episode was not the first time this arrangement has been used. Previously the outcome was compromise and resolution. I feel like there is a double standard happening when it comes to me being able to express myself. I dont have a live-in boyfriend there so I can say "okay wife.... Im done... you talk to Jack now cause Im done."

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by CountZero

I feel like there is a double standard happening when it comes to me being able to express myself. I dont have a live-in boyfriend there so I can say "okay wife.... Im done... you talk to Jack now cause Im done."

 

Yeah, that's what I was thinking right up until reading that last part. I think most people confide in their friends during difficult times, but that's generally away from their SO. To bring in a friend as a mediator for problems that are between you and your wife seems blatantly over the line. If it were me, I simply wouldn't deal with the friend. And not to insult your wife or anything, but why can't she make decisions for herself? Why the need for the friend?

[quankanne]

The policeman wanted to tell us both together that this friend has no business in our affairs. He said that several times during his report (he must have taken 7 stories) and that she interrupted the process and was very agitated

 

sounds like the cop is the only one who can see the whole picture, and clearly at that.

 

I realize you love your wife -- and marriage -- a whole dang lot to give the space she needs without question, but it seems to me that the marriage is about you and her together, not you alone and her alone, or even you, her and the best friend. When your 20 days are up, propose to your wife that the two of you go to counselling to get the tools you need to put your marriage back on track, then flat out tell her that no matter how much you love "Friend," or how much you want to help her through her trials and tribulations, it's taking a toll on your marriage and she needs to leave so that the marriage has a chance to heal. Because as long as Friend stays, it'll always be the two of them against you, and you'll always be in the doghouse because of problems real or imagined.

[CountZero]

Yes quankanne I think you are right. My heart is telling me that she has to leave. I cant imagine our marriage going forward with her right there in the middle. My wife and I had a (private) conversation a few months ago where she admitted that the new matrix had potential to be a problem. Even the WBF had this concern. Thats one of the reasons we instituted date night. I'm really worried about the future of the marriage because my wifes developed more relationship with her friend since they literally are together from 8am to 9pm every day. One day I was home early and my wife was done too. I wanted to have a mini-date... be together for a few minutes... just a drive in the car. But what I didnt know was that my wife and the best friend were going to do some errands together. Errands that didnt really need two people in my opinion. Somewhere in this discussion my wife says, "You know we do everything together." Wow. I know the WBF is on meds and doesnt drive very often, but when and how did we get to this? I was not allowed to have an opinion in this matter. Okay, so they are two moms taking care of the children in our house. It means they school the kids together, shop together, cook together, garden together, and go to the library together, and on and on. I think Im only good for bringing in the $$$, and as long as I dont interfere with the workings of wife 1 and 2 then Im a really great guy.

 

I want so badly to be wrong here. My head tells me she (the WBF) needs my help. Her kids need a father figure (as do my own). I just dont know how to please them both. When Im in the doghouse with either of them Im in it with both. Hey but on the plus side - those date nights - built in baby sitter - yeah thats what Im talkin bout. Uugh.

[Craig]

CountZero, in my opinion you need to do the following:

 

1. Contact your local Domestic Violence center and ask for an appointment to assess your situation. It looks like your wife and WBF are emotionally abusing you. This bogus 911 call they made on you could be a prelude to a setup with you as the "pigeon." In any case the bogus 911 call is emotional abuse.

 

2. You, alone, start going to a marriage counsellor. Perhaps later on your wife will follow. If things don't work out with you and your wife going to a marriage counsellor on your own shows that you were trying to work on the marriage.

 

3. See a family law attorney ASAP. You need to know what your rights, obligations and responsibilities are regarding your wife, your kids, the WBF and her kids.

 

4. Get yourself into counselling with a psychologist or similar. You know you have some issues to deal with and you and I know that if you don't deal with them that sooner or later they are going to cause you a ton of grief.

 

5. Most importantly get yourself a "secret cell phone" that is not traceable back to you and make all the calls to the above people using that secret phone. Here's how you do it, walk in to a cell phone store and ask for a pay as you go phone. They'll ask for your name, address and home phone number--give them fake everything but make sure you either can remember the info you gave them or write it down and keep it in a secret location. You'll need this info if you have to call to ask a question re your phone. With your phone get the $100.00 minute refill card it should be good for a year without expiring. PAY CASH FOR ALL THIS. Then make sure you can hide your secret cell phone somewhere that no one can find it.

 

You probably should pay cash (not traceable by your wife or WBF) for everything that has to do with this situation.

 

I've been going through a lot of what you are going through and am nearly out of this hell I have found myself in.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

This is a perplexing situation. There are so many things in your post, that just do not quite come together or make sense.

 

For example, your wife wanted to go on vacation WITH you, to work on some issues she was dealing with so you could support her (what issues would those be, and if she wanted you with her at one point "to support her", what exactly is her rationale for changing that?) If she wanted you with her to work on those issues, it stands to reason that at one point, she did not consider YOU to be the "issue" that needed working on.

 

Another odd thing... The WBF obviously talked your wife out of taking you with her (and vacation implies that your wife would be leaving the house, to go someplace else). If your wife now wants to work on things without you, and she is going somewhere (besides the house) to do that, why would YOU need to exit the house (where your children will still be living while she is gone, presumably)? This makes little sense - why is it that YOU cannot remain in the houshold with the children (and presumably the WBF and her children), while your wife goes somewhere to work on her issues without you? Does the WBF want the time alone with YOUR kids to indoctrinate them against you? Very odd. Those are questions I would be very interested to hear your thoughts on - do you have any idea, or has she indicated why you cannot stay? (As a side note, from your perspective, I would imagine that you would not WANT to stay alone in the house with the WBF - she could say you did something, or make something up, just to facilitate what she apparently wants to happen - a divorce between you and your wife). Since your getting out of the house seems to have been your wife's (under influence of the WBF) idea however, I'm interested to know what she told you her reasoning for your having to get out was.

 

Definately see a lawyer, and the counseling is not a bad idea either - get the marriage counsellor's opinion on what the real problem is here. I know, it sucks to have to pay $200/hr to hear what you probably have figured out by now, that the WBF is the problem here (as sounds like may be the case), but at this point, the WBF has so completely insinuated herself into your relationship with your wife, that whatever you tell your wife that you think you have figured out will have ZERO credibility - hearing it from a professional marriage counsellor might still have some credibility for her. Hint: Go to a female marriage counsellor, because the WBF might almost have your wife on board with hating and not trusting men in general.

 

If you want to have any hope of saving your marriage, I think the WBF has to go - as in OUT of your house, and her kids too. The fake 911 call was completely uncalled for. Try reasoning with your wife that now social services could become involved in your life if the WBF does something stupid like that again, and that the two of you could end up losing your children, and you simply do not want to take that chance.

 

If you and your wife agree that that WBF has to go, getting her out of your house is simple. If your wife wants to back her up, and the house is in both of your names, it is more complex.

 

I also sense that there is more to this story, that perhaps you have decided not to share. Has your wife ever claimed that you had serious control or emotional abuse issues? Has this been a thread throughout your relationship? Is this something she could have dumped on her friend about, and now the friend is trying to "help"? Every married couple has arguments, but have you and your wife had significant problems before the appearance of the WBF in your life? You don't have to answer that one, but answer it for yourself, and it might give you some insight into what the situation really is. If there are serious issues, the counselling - mostly for whoever has the control issues, be it you or your wife - might be a really good idea, but it still is not right for the WBF to move herself into your house and appoint herself the marshall, pushing your wife to do what the WBF has decided is necessary to drive you out of your own home.

 

Again, from your post and the limited information provided, I really do NOT know what your relationship is like, what problems there are, whose fault those problems are, etc., but it does look to me like the WBF was probably in a horrible relationship (and may be in subconscious "man-hating" mode as a result), and that since all relationships share certain common elements, she has observed (or thinks she has observed) some of the same things in the relationship you have with your wife that were a part of the relationship she had with her husband, and "made your wife aware" of those things she has noticed. Since SHE took the big step of ditching her husband, she has taken the leap that this is also what your wife needs to do, and is doing what is necessary to try to make that happen (probably all the while thinking she is helping your wife).

 

It's a really bad situation, as right now, some other woman - a guest no less! - (who by her actions appears NOT to want you to be a major part of your wife's life in the future) has basically taken control of your household. I guess try reasoning with your wife, and/or doing that through a marriage counsellor - only thing I can think of at this point. The WBF getting out may not be the solution to all of your problems if you and your wife really do have issues to work through, but before you will be able to work on those issues, she needs to get out of your house. Good luck saving your marriage, if it is worth saving.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm sorry if I'm wrong but what this smacks of to me is that the husband, his wife and the WBF have been all three sleeping together and suddenly his wife has decided that for whatever reason she'd rather be with this woman.

 

I see no other reason for this man putting up with the crap this shrew has put him through.

[CountZero]

Of course theres always more to the story. I could type for days to try to get it all out here, but then Id never get to any of your input. I struggle with the thought of where Ive been wrong and its hard to admit. Im a non drinker non smoker who likes to come home and be with his family at the end of the day. I have had problems with frustration and anger and with concealing my feelings from my wife. As I stated earlier, My wife has tried to make my problems go away so that I wouldnt get upset. So a number of things in our marriage were a lie to her. She would do something that she didnt agree with, and then later we would have a fight because she would change her mind and say Well I didnt really agree with you the first time. So inconsistancy is hard for me to handle.

 

I had a short talk with my wife today. Its hard to get anything from her, but the basic problem she has with me now is that she has lost all trust. She feels that everything I say and do is a lie and an attempt to manipulate her. I admitted that I do hide my feelings from her when Im afraid that they will hurt her. Shes sees this as a selfish way to protect myself from getting hurt by her reaction to what I might be feeling. Shes probably right. Being open and completely honest is the only way to have a close connection in marriage. The issues I have about her are trivial, and I thought that this concealment was just a necessary part of living together. She told me that I was completely wrong here. I have to agree, although she has never been honest with me.... and her answer to that was she didnt want to see me upset.

 

So what do I do now? I have to build trust. I cant imagine how that is done from a distance. I have to concentrate on my wife being the hurt one in this case. I wish now that the WBF had never been invited to stay, but she doesnt seem out to get me. I have to start to trust both of them if Im ever going to get to come home again.

 

Tomorrow my wife and I are seeing a marriage consellor. Im sure the WBF will come up in the meeting, but I dont want this to be the dominating message. I really need to be able to show her that I understand her problems, and that I dont blame the WBF for any of it! Might be impossible. I think God designed marriage of two people so that they would have to work their issues out between themselves. Not with a third party. The principal by which marriage consellors operate is that they are to get the couple back into healthy communication with each other and then step aside. I want to believe that this can happen.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I really need to be able to show her that I understand her problems, and that I dont blame the WBF for any of it!

 

Well, I think it is good that you are not taking the easy way out and saying the WBF is the CAUSE of all of your problems, and it does sound like you and your wife both have some pre-existing issues to work through. Whatever problems are yours, take responsibility for them. Focus on what you can do, not on what your wife has done, or on how you do the things she does because of what she does. If you have issues to work on (such as anger or control issues, perhaps), be willing to get therapy for that on your own, separate from the marriage counselling, and really do work at it. If you have denied things, admit them freely, even in front of others so your wife can see that. If your wife has mistreated you, she may see what you are doing, and do the same - but do not expect or require it. Let her be right for a change - it is not necessary to have an opinion about everything.

 

I agree with your general statement that a marriage (and I would extend this to also include any long-term-relationship) is two people for a reason, and in this situation, it is not reasonable to expect you to trust the WBF. If the two of you need a mediator, that is the marriage counsellor's job. I also think it is reasonable to suggest that the WBF should find a place to live on her own. I notice you didn't address the comment someone made about you possibly sleeping with the WBF as well as your wife (and somehow the two of them "sharing you"). I doubt that is the case. If it were the case, it creates all sorts of other issues. At any rate, there is no reason you need to be supporting two families, especially when her presence is so badly disrupting yours.

 

The WBF is not the central cause of your problems here, and getting her out will not instantly make everything better, but it sure sounds like getting her alternate living accomodations (even if you needed to help her financially for a limited time in order to make that happen) is a good step in the right direction towards putting your family back together. Your wife can still be her friend, but at least she will not be with your wife 24/7 putting the bug in her ear that you are no good, that you are not to be trusted, and that evertime you quietly disagree about something, the right thing to do is to call 911. (I'm still wondering where the hell that came come on the part of the WBF as generally one does not do that unless one feels like there is a real concern of someone becoming violent, and my wondering that is a big part of what makes me think there could be a LOT more to this story, but who knows, and it really isn't my business).

 

I don't really know if you or your wife have emotional abuse or control issues. I can read some of that between the lines from what you said (concealing information, lies, hiding feelings, little pissing matches about who is right, culminating in your getting angry), but again, I am not familiar with the situation. It does sound, however, like the WBF is kind of taking charge of your (or your wife's if you prefer) household, and kind of "ruling the roost" (because for whatever reason she preceives you as abusive, and perhaps percieves your wife as not strong enough to do what "she needs to do", which is what she did, and ditch her husband. The constant presence of the WBF needs to stop eventually if you really plan on saving your marriage.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

One thing I forgot to mention, and it is too late to edit it into my prior post...

 

Where does all this distrust come from? What is the overriding, horrible reason (if there even is one), why your wife simply does not trust you anymore, period? I mean, yes, you said you have lied, but about serious things? Are we talking affairs, denying abuse, lying about finances, implimenting family decisions you made without her input or against her wishes and then lying about it, or what? It might help to figure out exactly where your wife is coming from - becasue from what you have provided, it sounds pretty incomprehensible, but usually there is a root cause behind things like "blanket distrust". Just a thought.

 

The other thing I still don't get is why you have to leave the house, if your wife is leaving the house to go on vacation and work on her issues without you. Was some reason given for this? Perhaps whatever the wife and the WBF said the reason for this was, could provide some insight into this situation. If it is because the wife or the WBF doesn't want you there, why?

[CountZero]

Where indeed. I hope to find this out tommorow at the MC. Ive never done anything on your list (affairs, abuse (verbal or physical), lying about finances, implimenting family decisions without input), but I had a minor issue with porn - and for that I spent months with a mens group to understand and correct. Over the last two years there have been many issues that my wife has brought up and we have deallt with - without any lying. Thats what makes this so hard to understand. I think it has more to do with her than with me. I got this from Dr Phils website from a show that was on the other day -

 

Dr. Phil says. "Do you realize that how much you trust another person is not

a function of how trustworthy they are?" Dr. Phil says. "How much you trust

another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to deal with their

imperfections. The person you don't trust here is not him; it's you. "

 

When I read that it makes some sense. The problem is not really anything I did per se, its more about what I havent done - which is to build her up.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Ouch. Your wife made you go to months of therapy to deal with the fact that you looked at some porn? That was it? Did it not occur to her to watch it with you? Sorry, I know it is a serious issue in your relationship, it's just kind of hard for me to get my arms around, since it seems so petty. I guess she was probably having issues with her thinking you were looking at that instead of paying attention to her, and how beautiful she was, or something like that - but sheesh.

 

Good luck today at MC, and don't forget to get the MC's opinion on WBF.

[Devildog]

If I had to make a guess here, I would say your WBF is a real beeeoootch, who is bitter about her failed relationships. And since misery loves company she is sowing seeds of discord into your marriage. Then her and your future XW can hang out and bash men full time.

[Mz. Pixie]

You still haven't addressed the issue with the WBF.

 

Why is she living there??

 

Have the three of you had a relationship??

 

Why is she still there if she is causing problems in your marriage??

 

You gonna move out and let her stay there and you continue to pay the mortgage?? Something about this is not ringing true.

[CountZero]

The WBF moved in because she had marriage and financial issues. My wife suggested she move in and I agreed. Looking back now we should have had some kind of long term plan. I didnt realize I was saying "I do" to her at this point in time. I thought short term hospitality. Her two kids needed some stability too.

 

I dont see how long term this can be a workable solution, and I dont think the WBF does either,... so its really a conflict of her interest to have me back with my wife. If I thought that I was blameless in the matter of my wifes loosing trust in me I would be calling the police to have the WBF removed from the house. But I need to be patient for my wifes trust to come back before I can even begin to address the "permanent" situation Im in now.

 

To answer a previous post, there's been no love triangle here, and I dont think theres anything going on between my wife and the friend either. Well nothing physical that is. I do believe that emotionally Ive been replaced.

[whichwayisup]

Yeh WBF moves in as a HOUSE GUEST yet she is wearing the pants and controlling everything in a house where she doesn't belong in.

 

To me, it sounds like some lesbian affair. I'm sorry. She is either trying to split you up with your wife because she is messed up and misery loves company...Or she's making a play for your wife! I don't know!

 

This whole situation is so bizzare! I don't understand WHY your wife all of a sudden doesn't trust you because of arguements!! HELLO!! Married couples argue and fight. That is a given!

 

Maybe it's me, but there is alot more to this story. Why hasn't the EXH come by? Why does the WBF have so much power and control?

 

OK well, you say you don't think there is anything going on...There is. You are right in one sense, they are emotionally attached to eachother and it is unhealthy. VERY Unhealthy and it's only going to get worse. This woman HAS to leave and find somewhere else to go. A family member, sister/mom anyone - BUT get her OUT OF YOUR HOUSE and fast!

 

Best of luck to you!

[WithOrWithoutYou]

How did MC go? I hope the MC recognized what a huge problem the WBF is to any possibility of you and your W patching things up and suggested that she leave.

 

PS: I had not previously thought of it, but whichwayisup may have a point. And from what you have said, I agree with your assessment that you have at minimum been replaced emotionally. Perhaps that would be a way to broach the subject with the MC (the emotional replacement, I mean). Mentioning the possibility of a lesbian affair if it is not actually going on would probably really piss her off.

[Mz. Pixie]

I said lesbian affair to begin with. This woman has too much control.

 

What I really think you need to do is this, and I'm sorry to be so blunt but this is pissing me off-

 

Grow some sack- move back in your house and tell WBF she has ten days to find another place. If your W protests at that, tell her fine she can leave with her, and you'll be keeping the kids there at the house. Any court in the country would rule for you- she has put you through tremendous abuse IMO.

 

Stand up for yourself please, these women are running all over you.

 

PS- You might want to read some of Digger's posts. His wife wanted a divorce because he had dinner with coworkers one night- he came home and she had thrown his clothes outside!