linzmoon Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) So I've been dating this awesome guy for a little over three months, we hit it off really well probably too soon and everything was going well until a week ago. I started getting a gut feeling that he might be keeping something from me (if you're a girl you know what I mean by gut feeling lol) turns out I was right, so long story short we have discussed marriage and talked about very serious things such as moving in (we both want it and even called each other soul mates), anyways yesterday he told me the "spark was gone and needed to be lit again", I told him that maybe our "honeymoon phase" was probably coming to an end but that doesn't mean we should Freak out. I did notice a decrease in texts and shorter phone calls but I have been trying to not read into it, after he told me the spark was gone he has continued texting me and telling me loves me and misses me and cute things (I love him too and don't want to lose him,) I have been taking longer to reply to texts and keeping busy, I just don't want him to think I'm available all the time to him and want him to genuinely miss me. Now, I don't think there should be a spark all the time I just don't want to lose the best thing that has happened to me. I should also say he has been separated from wife for two years and he is just waiting to sign the divorce decree.He mentioned ha afraid to mess up. My question is should I give him space until he feels the spark come back? What I hate the most is that now when he says he misses me and loves me it's almost like I think he is lying. I just want advice on how to make things move forward and not breakup, I think it could go in any direcftion. We both agreed to make things work through thick and thin. We don't see each other everyday and our hang out days are Friday evening and pretty much all day Saturday, so it's not like we see each other excessively. Edited July 18, 2016 by linzmoon Error Link to post Share on other sites
mg101 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Three months is a little quick even for the honey moon phase to taper off. Gut feelings and intuition is a big thing imo that should be taken into account but not relied on to the exclusion of facts. Go by actions,not words. Sweet nothings, nebulous plans about the future, phrases like soul mate are all cute and dandy, but don't let them cloud you. I've done that before. You miss the cold reality about things that way. Let him show you, not tell you. Also, men are about the chase ultimately. At least most of them. Revealing you're decided on a life with a guy 3 months in is probably romantic in theory, but it hastens the entire courting process for the man. You can't go back to change that now but move forward. Keep your focus on your life. Don't discuss the status of the relationship anymore, whether it needs a spark or not. Let him make this supposedly needed effort himself since he's brought it up. And the effort isn't texts and nice words either. Link to post Share on other sites
mg101 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Just saw your update. Let him schedule real dates. Why do you have a set date he gets to see you? Whose choice was that and why. Link to post Share on other sites
Author linzmoon Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 You are right about the chase and I thought about that, I probably made it too easy for him, the hangout days were set by me, we decided those are the days that work best since we work 11-12 hour shifts daily during the week. I occasionally see him on a Tuesday (quick dinner and some Netflix at my house) but since I'm trying to give him space I haven't bothered to discuss if we have any weekend plans. I'm just gonna step back, focus on myself and absence makes the heart grow fonder so hopefully that works in my case. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 So I've been dating this awesome guy for a little over three months, we hit it off really well probably too soon and everything was going well until a week ago. I started getting a gut feeling that he might be keeping something from me (if you're a girl you know what I mean by gut feeling lol) turns out I was right, so long story short we have discussed marriage and talked about very serious things such as moving in (we both want it and even called each other soul mates), anyways yesterday he told me the "spark was gone and needed to be lit again", I told him that maybe our "honeymoon phase" was probably coming to an end but that doesn't mean we should Freak out. I did notice a decrease in texts and shorter phone calls but I have been trying to not read into it, after he told me the spark was gone he has continued texting me and telling me loves me and misses me and cute things (I love him too and don't want to lose him,) I have been taking longer to reply to texts and keeping busy, I just don't want him to think I'm available all the time to him and want him to genuinely miss me. Now, I don't think there should be a spark all the time I just don't want to lose the best thing that has happened to me. I should also say he has been separated from wife for two years and he is just waiting to sign the divorce decree.He mentioned ha afraid to mess up. My question is should I give him space until he feels the spark come back? What I hate the most is that now when he says he misses me and loves me it's almost like I think he is lying. I just want advice on how to make things move forward and not breakup, I think it could go in any direcftion. We both agreed to make things work through thick and thin. We don't see each other everyday and our hang out days are Friday evening and pretty much all day Saturday, so it's not like we see each other excessively. This may be a case of too much, too soon. Three months is awfully early to be discussing living together, marriage, being soul-mates. This is compounded by the fact that he is, technically, still married. He might have got caught up in the idea and thrill of it but realized he's not ready for all of this when he hasn't yet put the final nail in the coffin on his previous marriage. Step back and see what he does. I would keep the focus on yourself and your life. He is the one who put the breaks on this; if he wants to keep it together, he needs to show you he wants that. You can be receptive to his efforts if you choose, but I would not be the one to initiate plans or discussion of the relationship at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author linzmoon Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 Too much too soon, stole the words right out of my mouth.i agree, I guess in the moment one gets carried away and I can understand from his point of view the whole marriage thing still bugging him, I think reality just hit him until now. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I also think its too much too soon. I think that when he phones you should be your usual self and if he mentions the whole moving in/ marriage etc just tell him to rein it in a bit. His emotions are going to be all over as he signs those papers. Take a step back and go out with your friends etc. Quit meeting him every Friday night and change it up to a Sunday afternoon perhaps then go home (alone) after. Keep this one at arms length until he is more consistent... It could all very well go down the pan and you could be an unintentional rebound... Nothing like a bit of time to themselves to give them space to think about what they really want... Link to post Share on other sites
careyon1 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Three months is a very short time for the spark to be gone if he truly loves you. I would not suggest moving in together. That will certainly not bring the spark back. Do you think the 'spark is gone and needs to be lit' means more sex? If so, I would personally refrain from that. Work on developing the relationship outside of sex. I would also suggest you talk to him about when the divorce will be final. He's still a married man and could always choose to remain as such. Think about what's best for you, not giving him what's best for him. Again, three months is a very short time. Take it slow and make him put in the effort to bring back the spark. How about good old fashion courting. Link to post Share on other sites
davidvillasor Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 he doesn't love you. no spark means he want more from you i.e sex. In other words he is only attracted to you for sex i.e spark. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Waaay too much too soon. As a guy, this has nothing to do with "the chase". It has to do with reality hitting him square in the face. The "love fog" is lifting. Soulmates after 3 months? He's two years separated from a wife and the divorce decree is probably screwing with him hard. Him telling you he is a afraid of screwing up regarding you is a major red flag. He's detaching... Back off from him. I'm sorry you're going through this. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
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