Email from ex after 6 months of NC

[LilithOnTop]

"I hope this finds you well. I've wanted to peek my head out and say

something to you for quite some time now, but I've always been

terrified of the thought. You told me I would reach out to you, and

that was a big reason I why I didn't until now. But it is a silly

reason, and I just would feel better if I sent you a line or two. I

don't have any expectations for this or hope to achieve anything

really. Best case I hear back from you, and worse case nothing happens

and I just waste my breathe. At least I now I'll feel better knowing

I've said what I've had to say, and hopefully you will too.

 

I hope you understand why things happened the way they did and don't

hate me for them. The situation had become toxic and something needed

to be done. And every time I think about it, I feel the same way, it

was the most difficult thing I've done in my life. But it needed to be

done, for the both of us. And I was right too, you know. I knew then

what I still know now, that I will never love anyone again. It will

never happen. And I told you that, I told you I would never have again

what we had. But things were bad, and I hope we've both learned a lot

about ourselves and about each other since then.

 

I do wish things happened differently. I really do hope you take the

time to read this, and think about all I've said, and not dismiss it.

That's all I ask of you. I don't know exactly where you are in your

life now, and if you'd rather not bring this up again, I understand.

Just know that I always think of you, and still feel you very much a

part of me. Your venom still courses my veins, just as it did when I

wrote that poem for you."

 

Are these just breadcrumbs? I am left confused by the end of the letter because, for one, he says he didn't reach out to me because I told him all of the guys who have left me have returned but, as the email implies, he is not returning to reconcile anything with me or work things out, he is just reaffirming what he's said all along as we were headed towards our breakup. The stuff he said at the end made me furious because he it was so unnecessary especially because the gist of the email was coming from a selfish place--where he needed to absolve guilt for dumping me. I don't know...that's how I interpret it. Also, I could tell from all of the breaks in his sentences in the email compared to his reply to mine that he had written the letter in a different program and copied & pasted it into the inbox.

 

This was my reply back to him a day later:

 

I agree that the breakup was for the better. I'm in a better place right now and hopefully you are too. Take care.

 

and this was his reply 10 min later:

 

I'm very happy to hear you're in a better place. Hope things stay that way. As for me, well there's the good and there's the bad. Take care of yourself as well. I'm glad to have heard back from you.

 

Anyways, I'd like some honest feedback from you guys. The whole email was fraught with mixed emotions and signals. Thank you:)

[guest569]

I agree that it sounded selfish and he was writing for his benefit, not yours. And it is unclear what on earth he was trying to achieve aside from pour out some emotions and absolve guilt as you say. A nice brief response from you, say no more than that and don't think on it too much. Carry on with NC!

[BC1980]

He's trying to convince you that what he did was the right thing. He wants you to believe and understand that, so he can find peace. He needs you to be on the same page as he is. The email is not for your benefit.

[smudge21]

It's another one of those reach outs that are all about them. There's no questions in there, no real concern for you, just very me me me. See this a lot around here and I think it's an exs way to make themselves feel a bit better. I personally wouldn't have responded as there was nothing that needed responding to. I had an ex text me a while to say that she'd started a new job and moved house, that was it. WTF! Why would I even care and why would you think I'd even care? Just remember, words are only words. It's actions that matter and unless an ex is actually doing something to get back with someone, then it's pretty much usually best to ignore.

[LilithOnTop]

another couple of months pass and he emails me again:

 

"I should ****ing know better than to do this again. It's not like me at all and I don't know why I'm compelled to drop a line. I just got back from Italy and maybe that's why you popped in my head. It really is an open air museum.

Look, i don't won't to bother you if you have no desire to hear from me again, so if that's the case, just let me know and I'll be gone. Once again I don't really know why I'm reaching out, I feel like an idiot and I know it's wrong as I write this. Hope you're still in that good place when I last heard from you. As for me, I've gone through some creative bursts, but I still feel nothing at all, and it's starting to bother me."

 

 

what is wrong with him?? This time i'm going to ignore him. Very irritating. so pathetic that he doesn't have any balls. how do you not know why you are reaching out to someone? -_-

[Nightwriter]

You can either ignore it or just say briefly, "Please don't contact me again." Very matter-of-fact without emotion. Either way. he doesn't deserve to know anything about your life or your emotional state.

 

And remember, he's the one being desperate and you're moving on so try not to let it get to you.

[aloneinaz]

He's looking for some attention from someone he thinks still covets him. It's selfish and it's only to stroke his ego. What value would there be in responding to his stupid drama? You both indicated the relationship is better off dead and buried. Responding would only accomplish stroking his ego by showing that you care enough to still to reply to him.

 

Ignoring him sends a strong message of indifference. It demonstrates that you're over the whole mess and there's no reason to engage with him further. The old expression "silence speaks volumes" is accurate.

 

Block his number or change yours. He's your past and should stay there.

[Nightwriter]

He's looking for some attention from someone he thinks still covets him. It's selfish and it's only to stroke his ego. What value would there be in responding to his stupid drama? You both indicated the relationship is better off dead and buried. Responding would only accomplish stroking his ego by showing that you care enough to still to reply to him.

 

Ignoring him sends a strong message of indifference. It demonstrates that you're over the whole mess and there's no reason to engage with him further. The old expression "silence speaks volumes" is accurate.

 

Block his number or change yours. He's your past and should stay there.

E-mails can't be blocked, just filtered into folders. And he could get a new e-mail address easily anyway. Sending a message to not write makes it clear she doesn't want him to contact to her. Because he will probably take her silence as being okay to write to her again or that it didn't get delivered. As I said, his e-mail can be ignored or have a quick response to say don't contact again. No need to play mind games. OP's prerogative. Just be clear and matter-of-fact, no details or explanations needed.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

He's looking for some attention from someone he thinks still covets him. It's selfish and it's only to stroke his ego. What value would there be in responding to his stupid drama? You both indicated the relationship is better off dead and buried. Responding would only accomplish stroking his ego by showing that you care enough to still to reply to him.

 

Ignoring him sends a strong message of indifference. It demonstrates that you're over the whole mess and there's no reason to engage with him further. The old expression "silence speaks volumes" is accurate.

 

Block his number or change yours. He's your past and should stay there.

 

You could go this route, or you could bite, depending on how you feel,

Do you miss him? Do you want to reconcile? Maybe a dinner - aka a free meal!

He could just be emailing you because he wants to see if you'll agree,

If you miss him at all, open to a possible second chance, doubtedly!

[aloneinaz]

E-mails can't be blocked, just filtered into folders. And he could get a new e-mail address easily anyway. Sending a message to not write makes it clear she doesn't want him to contact to her. Because he will probably take her silence as being okay to write to her again or that it didn't get delivered. As I said, his e-mail can be ignored or have a quick response to say don't contact again. No need to play mind games. OP's prerogative. Just be clear and matter-of-fact, no details or explanations needed.

 

Clearly, she needs to take the path that she's comfortable with but blocking him on her phone/social media is the first step. If he decides to take the email route, it only takes a second to delete any email before reading the drama.

 

Most exes take the hint after one or two attempts to contact someone fail. I don't feel ignoring an ex is any sort of game. It's simply a STRONG message to the person that they have no further desire for communication.

[marky00]

What a selfish piece of crap he is. Nothing at all in that email was for you so why the F*** did he send it.

 

 

Stay silent.

 

 

Male dumpers often second guess their decision on ego-based reasons. So if you stay silent and act indifferent, that will eat at him a little. This is why male dumpers sometimes come back.

[LilithOnTop]

i kinda want to ignore him to see how far he'd go and to have my own ego stroked now that i am over him muahaha

[aloneinaz]

i kinda want to ignore him to see how far he'd go and to have my own ego stroked now that i am over him muahaha

 

 

Love it!

 

If ever an ex needs to hear the wonderful sound of dead silence, this douche does..

[LilithOnTop]

is it only women who are commenting on this? i'd like to hear a man's opinion.

[aloneinaz]

is it only women who are commenting on this? i'd like to hear a man's opinion.

 

Hurtful.. I'm a man!

[drdre]

People want to be wanted. It's not so much that he wants you - you both agree you are better off on your own - but he wants to know if you'd still want him. It's a crazy thing we do. Definitely a ego thing. No response needed.

 

PS - Man here.

[LilithOnTop]

Just wondering if you guys are reading the updated reply I posted of his second email to me 2 months after the first one. Idk if that makes a difference. I'm trying to search online sites and inquiries about exes contacting the dumped, but all I am confronting are short texts like, "hey." So that's why it's not rly the same thing. Or is it? Thanks for insight. Some men that I ask think he misses me and wants me back but doesn't have the balls to admit it.

[Patrice]

a nasty breakup with the guy some time back. It looks to me like he has something going on, and is on a fishing expedition to see if he can get you talking to him. Maybe HE got dumped???

[ty10]

is it only women who are commenting on this? i'd like to hear a man's opinion.

 

Personally, I've only ever contacted two ex's I've been involved with.

 

1) months after we broke up I was alone and still not over the girl who had dumped me. I got in contact in hope of springing up a conversation because I wanted her back, immediately regretted it and then deleted her from my life minutes after I hit send on the text message.

 

2) This girl has liked a few social media posts so I decided to see what she was up to, I still found her attractive but in all honesty I was a bit on the rebound and was only interested in a fling. Although nothing happened, largely as she was hurt by me calling things off, I did learn that she was still attracted to me and it helped me with my ego.

 

I suspect it's one of the two... either he wants you back or he wants his ego brushed. It also could be he feels guilty but I believe his guilt would've been dismissed by you replying to the first message.

 

Either way you sound over him so just leave it alone. If he really wants you back too, he won't give up!

[springy]

Lilith, you say you are over him but seem really pressed about finding out why he sent that email. You've gotten quite a few responses I think, and conducted a google search. It is anyone's guess what it meant, if anything. If you think you can handle the answer then ask him. Alternatively you could block him so he can't send you what appears to be pointless emails anymore. All it seems to do is put you in an analyzing mode.

 

Do you want him back?

[frigginlost]

50 year old male, here.

 

Don't reply, don't block, don't do anything. Any signal whatsoever is going to tell him that you still have feelings and he will zero in on that.

 

Stay silent.

 

If he is looking for recon for whatever reason, you will hear from him again. He will just up the content of what he says a notch or two.

 

Do not play his game.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Without knowing the specifics of your relationship or breakup, all we have to go on is what he has said in these messages.

 

It sounds like it must have been a bit of a dysfunctional relationship, but at the same there was intense. The end result being that it left his with some serious emotional baggage, although he may have already had some baggage, he projecting it all on you now.

 

Instead of seeking professional help to work through some of his issues, he will periodically reach out to you to unburden himself when isn't coping, like a security blanket.

 

It almost sounds like an artist/muse type relationship. Since you have "ruined his chance at loving again" you are going to be the one he reaches out to, for now at least. He sounds like the type that sees a certain romance in suffering. It isn't romantic, it is actually very sad and pathetic.

 

He has issues that only he can fix. I would strongly recommend that you keep your distance. Any type of relationship with him isn't going to be healthy.

 

These messages might be flattering to you at first but if it continues for too long it will turn into an obsession.

[aloneinaz]

She clearly isn't over him or she wouldn't be having all these mental gymnastics over his occasional emails. If you are over it, how cares what they do or don't mean?

 

Again, I'm male. As the other poster stated, the only time (when I was young) that I reached back out to someone I had dumped was when I was in a cold streak and lonely. Not having any luck dating and thought I could (selfishly) reach out to an ex for a quick romp in the hay. I never had thoughts of getting back together.

 

I think the vast majority of folks think she'd be much better off telling herself it failed. The problems that caused the first break up don't go away and it would end the same if the relationship was restarted.

[somecamel]

As a man, I think some of the posters on here have been a bit harsh without knowing the facts.

 

Why did you guys breakup?

 

He sounds pretty genuine to me and depending on what the reason you broke up was, if nothing too serious I'd say he is reaching out and it's up to you to assess how you feel about him.

 

If you were completely over him, I don't think you'd be posting in here

[LilithOnTop]

i'm over him and i don't want to get back with him. i don't think it would work out. i can be intrigued without desiring him. what Scarlett O'hara said was right on point. i've caused him so much pain when i was with and he wants to return?? he's basically saying he's masochistic. he can get a romp in the hay with anyone. he's decent looking and has a good job. something tells me there's more to this than getting laid. but whatever, it doesn't matter anyway. i'm with someone new. and that's when they come back. he's just rambling on and not saying much in the way of meeting up or getting back together.