Feel that guilty I feel sick and can't eat ***Updated***

[Pud]

10 weeks ago my ex of 5 years rang me saying she's leaving, she begged me to stop her but I told her it was a good idea an she should go. The relationship was rubbish, no spark, more like friends, never wanted to do the same thing nothing in common didn't find her attractive anymore and argued a lot.

 

The first 4-6 weeks was fine I was ok I just got in with life, we spoke a bit she struggled a lot more wasn't eating or sleeping but she had to carry on and finish her uni work and her placement so she could qualify as a nurse. I felt really guity that she had to do that in her own at such a hard time, really guilty.

 

Then I started to miss her like really really miss her, so I rang her an suggested we get back to gether. We planned to meet up that night go for a drink an talk. I bottled it an canceled, she was not happy and it's totally understandable I apologized so much but something didn't sit right with me and I didn't want hurt her even more than I have.

 

2 weeks after I surprised her after work in floods of tears begging for us to try again, 5 years is a long time then not see anyone and when I saw her my heart melted and I just wanted her back in my life.

 

She's told me there's no chance we can get back together and that's ripped my heart out, I couldn't stop crying. I asked if she's been with anyone else and she said no but she has kissed another guy and I was nearly sick, physically felt like I was punched in the stomach and I sobbed.

 

I know she went out last night to celebrate passing her degree and I don't blaim her she deserves it she worked so hard for 4 years but I know what's she like when it comes to dancing an blokes just surround her.

 

I can't get these images out my head, I can't sleep I can't eat, I feel like I'm missing out on not being in her life, I'm not helping her celebrate something that we went through together, I'm constantly thinking what's she up to what's she doing, I miss her so so much and she gave me so much confidence and made me believe in myself, to do things I would never do normally. I can't believe how I was in the first 4 weeks, and I had a chance to get her back but didn't go meet her.

 

I write so many texts but I just delete them before I send them, I don't think she would reply and I would be constantly looking at my phone waiting wondering why she ain't.

 

Why am I like this now why has it took so many weeks to sink in!

 

Why am I so jelous, she was the most caring, thoughtful, gentle, loving person I have ever met in my life and I miss her dearly.

 

Someone tell me it's fault, I made my bed and lie it and I mucked her about so I deserve the pain I'm in.

 

I hate myself right now actually can't look in the mirror!

Edited June 26, 2016 by Pud

[Alamo657]

10 weeks ago my ex of 5 years rang me saying she's leaving, she begged me to stop her but I told her it was a good idea an she should go. The relationship was rubbish, no spark, more like friends, never wanted to do the same thing nothing in common didn't find her attractive anymore and argued a lot.

 

I miss her so so much and she gave me so much confidence and made me believe in myself, to do things I would never do normally. I can't believe how I was in the first 4 weeks, and I had a chance to get her back but didn't go meet her.

 

Why am I so jealous, she was the most caring, thoughtful, gentle, loving person I have ever met in my life and I miss her dearly.

 

 

From what you outlined, what seems to hit you the most is not the loss of that particular person, but the loneliness you're now in.

 

You probably already know that, but you have deep self esteem issues and a relationship is the only moment where you feel valuable as a human being.

 

Good point for you tho, is that you can walk away from a relationship if it doens't satisfy you, so you're not totally codependant, you still have some dignity left in you, that's a strength you can cling to in the future.

 

Good luck on your journey.

Edited June 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
typos

[tomatome]

10 weeks ago my ex of 5 years rang me saying she's leaving, she begged me to stop her but I told her it was a good idea an she should go. The relationship was rubbish, no spark, more like friends, never wanted to do the same thing nothing in common didn't find her attractive anymore and argued a lot.

 

You did the right thing for the both of you. To continue would have meant that you both would have suffered unnecessarily.

 

Then I started to miss her like really really miss her, so I rang her an suggested we get back to gether. We planned to meet up that night go for a drink an talk. I bottled it an canceled, she was not happy and it's totally understandable I apologized so much but something didn't sit right with me and I didn't want hurt her even more than I have.

 

You are reacting to your own loneliness and desire for companionship. As Alamo657 said, this is not about missing her as it is missing having someone in your life, and as a consequence you are idealising your relationship with her even though though the reality is that you don't want to be with her. If you did go back it would probably just be the same. As you said, 'something just didn't sit right with you' when you tried to reconnect.

 

I write so many texts but I just delete them before I send them, I don't think she would reply and I would be constantly looking at my phone waiting wondering why she ain't.

 

Why am I like this now why has it took so many weeks to sink in!

 

Nothing is wrong with you, and please forgive yourself. But do cut off all contact with her and move on as continued contact is making the both of you more miserable, especially as she will keep 'rejecting' you, making the loneliness and the desire it creates within you for her stronger; a vicious circle.

 

Also, regardless of who initiated it, five years is a long time to date and there is likely to be a large wound that needs time to heal. Continue to write as many text messages as you want, but never send them to her. In a few weeks or months you will go to read them and they will probably sound ridiculous to you.

[Pud]

Thank you both, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. A lot of what you both said makes so much sense and it's nice to read what I constantly try an tell myself.

 

I've reconnected with old friends which is really good and been getting out but then we can be talking and every subject always ends up about her.

 

I've got an important interview Wednesday and I've not hardly done any prep for, to be honest I'm just so negative about everything I really am the lowest I've ever been.

 

I will take what you both said and I'll try and forgive myself but when you miss someone that much and realizing Christmases, holidays, weekends and nights out are just going to be the same.

 

I feel so sick......

 

Thank you once again

[Pud]

We've been split now nearly 3 months of a 5 year serious relationship.

 

I know that she kissed some else a couple of weeks ago an when she told me (because I asked) I bent over like someone had punched me in the stomach an was so close to being sick.

 

I know when she goes out she loves to dance and men just surround her. Every time I go to eat I think of her kissing another man, every time I wake up in the night and roll over it wakes me up and keeps me awake. I can be driving home and again it's all I think about.... Why why when will this end????? I'm sooo tiered and feel so weak in myself.

[frigginlost]

We've been split now nearly 3 months of a 5 year serious relationship.

 

I know that she kissed some else a couple of weeks ago an when she told me (because I asked) I bent over like someone had punched me in the stomach an was so close to being sick.

 

I know when she goes out she loves to dance and men just surround her. Every time I go to eat I think of her kissing another man, every time I wake up in the night and roll over it wakes me up and keeps me awake. I can be driving home and again it's all I think about.... Why why when will this end????? I'm sooo tiered and feel so weak in myself.

 

Because you are 3 months out of a relationship. That is no time at all. I'm 5 months out and I still get the same feelings. It's your mind purging itself of feelings and scarring itself. In other words, you're healing.

 

It sucks, and it sucks bad, but ride those feelings out. At 3 months I was in agony with those thoughts. But now 2 months later, they don't bother me too much.

 

You're doing fine.

[Zahara]

It would help if you maintain zero contact with her. Or if you're absolutely masochistic and want to know if she's had sex with someone else? What then?

 

The reason you are in pain and will continue to be in pain is because you are choosing to remain attached to her.

[Giggles666]

No contact would do you wonders. Don't talk to her and don't ask those questions.

[bummer]

I know when she goes out she loves to dance and men just surround her. Every time I go to eat I think of her kissing another man, every time I wake up in the night and roll over it wakes me up and keeps me awake. I can be driving home and again it's all I think about.... Why why when will this end????? I'm sooo tiered and feel so weak in myself.

 

Pud, bad news, it turns out your omnipotent abilities were never installed at birth. Actually everything you think you know she's doing are just figments of your imagination. It will end when you end it. No sooner or later. You make the decision what you focus on and what you obsess about.

 

Here's my technique:

When any thought of her washes over you with that panicky heat and blinding sweaty fight or flight response... close your eyes and gently repeat softly out loud, "not mine" "she's not mine" "I know" "not now". focus on your breath in and out of your nose. Repeat until a calm sets in or the bad bought fades.

 

Train your brain like a puppy to remain disciplined and ignore distracting thoughts. She's not yours, you know her but that's it. Someone wise on LS wrote something like, "whatever you focus on you are getting better at." let that sink in fully.

 

10 weeks ago my ex of 5 years rang me saying she's leaving, she begged me to stop her but I told her it was a good idea an she should go. The relationship was rubbish, no spark, more like friends, never wanted to do the same thing nothing in common didn't find her attractive anymore and argued a lot.

 

Remember your first post? Remember what you said? You "don't find her attractive anymore." The relationship was dead to you, you're obsessing over the loneliness and loss of self and a partner, not her. You don't like her. it's a blessing you haven't rebounded immediately. Take your time to be comfortable in your own skin by yourself.

 

It ends when you're ready. No sooner. Stay NC and hang out with us more.

[whatnot]

We're very different. I never wanted to know about that crap but my ex was always quick to offer..."We're not having sex." (It made no difference to me...fwiw). She'd already told me she's sering him and advised me to do the same.

 

It's kinda funny when one thinks about it. I told my family what she said to me. "I'm seeing someone else and you should too but, stay in touch!"

 

They all broke out laughing...

 

I don't see how you do it. My advice is NC. That stove isn't going to cool down....but it can get hotter.

 

Believe, and take care

Edited June 28, 2016 by whatnot
Spelling

[SammySammy]

I'm amused when I think of my exes with other men.

 

I think of that line in R. Kelly's song Down Low:

"While making love to him, girl. You're silently calling on me."

In my situation, it helps to know that has been true on occasion. But, even if it wasn't true, I think of it, hear just a snippet of those lyrics, smile to myself and move on. Takes a split second.

 

That's called framing or reframing. How something looks and feels to us changes depending on the frame we put around it. A sad frame can make us feel ... sad. An amused frame ... well. If we don't like how something feels, change how we think about it.

 

Because the only thing we really control is ourselves. Right?

[Pud]

Thank you for the replies,

And thank you bummer for reminding me about my previous posts. I seem to forget how I didn't like kissing her good night as it felt so cold an id just roll over an go sleep, how I didn't find her attractive anymore, need to remember these things.

 

Got to remember the bad times and not just think it was all white fluffy clouds green green grass an blue sky's.

 

Thanks again

[Pud]

Just wondering what everyone else does when the mind is stuck in the loop of missing their ex, thinking what they doing, who are they with, wish I'd made more effort, just wanting them laid next to you again?

 

I'm trying to start thinking of the bad times, how I felt when we was together, how we stopped having fun and had nothing in common.

 

It's hard it's really hard for some reason my mind wants to just make me believe that it was a perfect relationship when it was far from that.

 

So how do you guys cope?

 

If you could just say how long your relationship was and how long you've been split.

[Giggles666]

pick up my guitar, or do some artwork, and sometimes I do what you do and think of the bad times, or how she was dishonest and selfish. But usually I immerse myself into something creative.

[MissBee]

It would help if you maintain zero contact with her. Or if you're absolutely masochistic and want to know if she's had sex with someone else? What then?

 

The reason you are in pain and will continue to be in pain is because you are choosing to remain attached to her.

 

Ditto.

 

It's normal to still be raw and hurting so soon post-breakup but when you cut contact it helps you to fortify yourself, detach and heal.

 

Keeping in contact and learning all about your ex's life, who they are kissing, asking them stuff etc is just pointless and a punishment to yourself. Cut contact and go NC so that you won't get new fuel for your fire and so that you will have space to heal.

[Charlie99909]

Heal, man. Remember that. I have the same thoughts of my ex. I take a bit of satisfaction knowing that when se came back after breaking up with me, she told me that she thought a lot about the things I used to do. Yeah, small and petty. But sometimes that's the name of the game. Stay strong, brother

[guest569]

 

I'm trying to start thinking of the bad times, how I felt when we was together, how we stopped having fun and had nothing in common.

 

It's hard it's really hard for some reason my mind wants to just make me believe that it was a perfect relationship when it was far from that.

 

So how do you guys cope?

 

If you could just say how long your relationship was and how long you've been split.

 

hi Pud,

I can relate to a lot of this stuff. My relationship was only 5 months, a very intense and close relationship. I broke it off over a month ago and felt like it was the right decision. That doesn't mean that we don't miss the person and long for them. Logic will tell you that the relationship wasnt working and that a breakup was the right thing. You can see it all for what it really is. Then the emotional side takes over and you get locked in on the good aspects of the relationship and find yourself just wanting them back because of how amazing and perfect it all was..

 

I get truly stuck in these times. I dont know what to say but focusing on the negatives and the reality. It can be hard when you get stuck in that loop though, i dont know how to snap out of it. In time it gets less and less though. I feel a little numb and distant from him and all the memories of us.. i dont have much advice but you're not alone.

[Trinity7]

Just wondering what everyone else does when the mind is stuck in the loop of missing their ex, thinking what they doing, who are they with, wish I'd made more effort, just wanting them laid next to you again?

 

I'm trying to start thinking of the bad times, how I felt when we was together, how we stopped having fun and had nothing in common.

 

It's hard it's really hard for some reason my mind wants to just make me believe that it was a perfect relationship when it was far from that.

 

So how do you guys cope?

 

If you could just say how long your relationship was and how long you've been split.

 

Pro and con lists help me.. Really focus on the cons, even petty stuff. Actually though, when I made one about my current ex, the pro side was more eye-opening for me than the con side because I realized it was mostly surface things. Anyway, get a good long list of their negative traits going and keep it in your wallet. Read it whenever you're stuck in the loop to knock those rose colored glasses off and add to it whenever something comes to mind.

 

Beyond that, I have some luck writing out emails and texts to my ex, BUT DONT SEND THEM. I text them to myself, or you can post them here.

 

Also, do everything you can to stay distracted. Really force yourself to go out and keep busy. I know for me I was afraid to stop thinking about the situation incessantly, it felt like it didn't mean anything or I wouldn't get past it or something if I wasn't thinking about it constantly. But I'm overcoming that and realizing that it is what it is whether I think it to death or whether I let it go.

 

Try to trust in the flow of the Universe and KNOW deep down inside that whatever happened, is happening, and will happen is in your own best interest. Come up with a mantra to counteract the cyclical thinking. I've had luck with ones like "He isn't who I thought he was or he'd be here right now" or "I'm not going to be someone's second choice, I deserve better." Even simple one word ones like "Nonsense" or "Lies" can help redirect your thoughts if you use them in response to thoughts about your ex the second they pop up.

 

Also, try to surround yourself with positive and empowering things. Instead of watching sad shows or listening to sad music, go with something powerful, positive or funny. Raising your vibrations when you're so low is REALLY HARD, but every little bit helps.

 

And finally, maybe try meditating. It helps me. Having even a 10 minute reprieve from your thoughts can really go a long way. I like the guided ones.. Look up "The Honest Guys" meditation channel on YouTube. They are awesome!!

 

These are the only things I've found that help me other than posting/reading on here and surrounding myself with friends and family. I'm thinking about buying a good Playstation game, most likely an RPG, and trying to get sucked into a different world and mind space for a while. I really hope one of these techniques works for you, I do know how f***ing awful this hurts Know that you aren't alone x

[whatnot]

Relationship lasted 6 years.

 

Last saw each other in March '16

 

Went NC about 7 weeks ago.

 

 

Thinking back to individual good times is not the way to go. Or, even individual bad times. I ask myself, "If I could have that relationship back, in the whole, would I want it back, the good and the bad.."

 

"No" is the answer. (For me). It was never going to be better than the best it ever was...and even that wouldn't cut it now.

 

I miss her still. But not the price it takes to have her back. If we're telling ourselves "the pain was even good" (which I've done) that's when things may not be over. .

[Pud]

I'm really struggling with the NC, I need her to know how much I miss her and love her, I'm afraid she's moved on an met someone else but I need to know.

 

I'd be davestated absolutely devavsted if she has, am I setting myself up for more rejection, am I setting myself up for a fall.

 

I need to know how she's feeling if it's the same as me but I doubt it tho, I still can't out my head my head her with other men.... These thoughts, everything I do related back to her, everything I see or hear relates to her.... I'm driving myself insane!!!!!! I need to know if she's in the same place as me or not but I'm afraid of more rejection!

[Giggles666]

Don't do it, you'll regret it. IME if she is in the same place as you, you would be together.

 

You give into contacting her and nothing good will come of it. It's hard, it's also tough to have the thoughts about her with other men going through your head.

 

Best of luck, but stay strong, do not contact her...worst thing you can do.

[Giggles666]

Your emotions are what you are using to think. Every time you want to do something, do the opposite or refrain.

[bummer]

I need to know if she's in the same place as me or not but I'm afraid of more rejection!

 

Tough to hear, but I promise she's not in the same place. She's light years ahead of you, detached, and moving forward. She has moments of doubt as anyone after a difficult choice will. But she's going forward.

 

Is that what you want to hear? She values you sure, just not as much as the next guy she meets. Accept it. Get angry. Move past denial and find a punching bag (like a real one).

 

Let the internet distract you:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/586394-really-listen-trust-me

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/586187-all-dumpee-s-gets-better#post6960734

[Rainah]

Don't contact her, I made that mistake to be disappointed that they were not hurting like I was, you will only be disappointed too. Keep your mind occupied and busy, if you feel like contacting her do something to distract yourself until that feeling passes.

[Zahara]

The relationship was rubbish, no spark, more like friends, never wanted to do the same thing nothing in common didn't find her attractive anymore and argued a lot

 

Leave her alone. You're suffering withdrawals. You don't truly love her or miss her based on what you posted but you miss what was familiar to you and you are likely feeling a sense of loneliness. But it has nothing to do with any sort of genuine feelings for her.

 

You mentioned she kissed a guy. Well, chances are she's is moving on and at some point will be with another man. All this jealousy is just your ego bruised. I'm sure there is some part of your that is still territorial about her even though you weren't into the relationship or find her attractive anymore.