Her ex and I are both trying to get her back ***Updated***

[zarb]

She is 28, I'm 34 (her ex is like 30-32ish), for age reference.

 

We were together for 2 years and engaged. A week before our wedding I backed out and needed space to be sure this was what I wanted, or at least I thought I did at the time. We separated for 3 months and then I moved out and we separated belongings and bills. We have been separated for 9 months.

 

We still talk but there is nothing there romantically. There is mild flirting, sometimes. I really hurt her and have strung her along. We are friends because we have to be for our jobs. We work together, in the medical field. We see each other almost daily.

 

I know that I messed up. I never should have left her. I miss her incredibly and I don't think I will ever get her back. I'm still in love with her. I don't know if she would ever take me back. She doesn't look at me the same way she use to, but there is still something there I can feel it.

 

Another problem is her ex. He works in the same hospital as we do and directly with both of us. He is trying to get back with her.

 

They dated for 3 years, lived together and we're engaged. He cheated on her and she ended the relationship. We started a relationship 2 years later. Because they work together they stayed friendly and eventually developed a friendship. He has been getting closer and closer to her since we split.

 

He has kissed her at least twice, I heard from other people, at work. He confronted me and told me to back off and give her space. We got into a fight. A month later I told him not to go near her and we got in a fight again.

 

After I ended things, her ex switched work teams and now is working with her. They are on the same therapy team (he's occupational therapy, she's speech pathology). They spend most work days together, working as a team to help patients. I have to see them working together. There is a lot of tension between me and him and it's affecting the work environment.

 

She flirts with him a lot. I feel like she's closer to resuming a relationship with him than me. He cares deeply about her.

 

She hasn't made any moves either way. Maybe she doesn't know what to do. I can't lose her. I've told her that I still love her but she just said I know.

 

How do I get her back? Do I even stand a chance?

[tinkerbell16]

She is 28, I'm 34 (her ex is like 30-32ish), for age reference.

 

We were together for 2 years and engaged. A week before our wedding I backed out and needed space to be sure this was what I wanted, or at least I thought I did at the time. We separated for 3 months and then I moved out and we separated belongings and bills. We have been separated for 9 months.

 

We still talk but there is nothing there romantically. There is mild flirting, sometimes. I really hurt her and have strung her along. We are friends because we have to be for our jobs. We work together, in the medical field. We see each other almost daily.

 

I know that I messed up. I never should have left her. I miss her incredibly and I don't think I will ever get her back. I'm still in love with her. I don't know if she would ever take me back. She doesn't look at me the same way she use to, but there is still something there I can feel it.

 

Another problem is her ex. He works in the same hospital as we do and directly with both of us. He is trying to get back with her.

 

They dated for 3 years, lived together and we're engaged. He cheated on her and she ended the relationship. We started a relationship 2 years later. Because they work together they stayed friendly and eventually developed a friendship. He has been getting closer and closer to her since we split.

 

He has kissed her at least twice, I heard from other people, at work. He confronted me and told me to back off and give her space. We got into a fight. A month later I told him not to go near her and we got in a fight again.

 

After I ended things, her ex switched work teams and now is working with her. They are on the same therapy team (he's occupational therapy, she's speech pathology). They spend most work days together, working as a team to help patients. I have to see them working together. There is a lot of tension between me and him and it's affecting the work environment.

 

She flirts with him a lot. I feel like she's closer to resuming a relationship with him than me. He cares deeply about her.

 

She hasn't made any moves either way. Maybe she doesn't know what to do. I can't lose her. I've told her that I still love her but she just said I know.

 

How do I get her back? Do I even stand a chance?

 

What is it with people not realizing what they have until they lose it?

[Versacehottie]

What is it with people not realizing what they have until they lose it?

 

I was thinking the same thing. This poor person has had 2 broken engagements--both times it's been the guy's "fault" and she must have been extremely disappointed by all that. Now they are both fighting over her. Maybe she is in no rush to make a decision because she is just basking in the good attention after all that trauma.

 

OP, I don't know what to tell you to do. best advice I have is to do YOUR best game and stop worrying about him. The jealousy, insecurity actually just weakens your appeal with her. She's obviously in the decision making position. I mean, she might choose neither.

 

Good luck

[MzLady]

Wow... a WEEK before the wedding??? That's when you let your cold feet take hold and run your chicken ass out the door? Not only did you leave her devastated, but I'm going to take a wild guess that her entire family hates you with a passion now too. Getting back with her would be a MAJOR endeavor because you'd have to win not only her, but her entire family over too. You had your chance.. so did her ex. She sounds like a smart girl by not making work a hostile environment and is keeping things friendly... but I bet she's not getting back with either one of you. Time for you to move on.

Edited July 6, 2016 by MzLady

[Ami1uwant]

I agree ....she isn't getting back with either of you if she has half a brain.

 

You stood her up at the altar and he cheated on her.

[NIGHT1985]

Ouch... It's gonna be extremely hard, but you gotta let her go.

[zarb]

To her engagement and marriage are special. Getting engaged meant a lot to her as it was taking the next step and she thought of it as more of a commitment. I don't doubt that she is very upset, she was extremely hurt when it was just one broken engagement. Now it's two. I want to fix it.

 

Maybe she likes the attention of two men fighting over her. She - at least to me if feels like - always stands up for her ex if something happens. When we got into physical fights a couple times it was me she yelled at. Later she asked if I was okay. If there is just a lot of tension in the work place it's me she says something to, not her ex.

 

He is always all over her. While we dated he stayed away for the most part. He flirted here and there and asked her to do things with him, but now he is constantly with her. He's acting like the perfect shoulder to lean on and she's falling for it.

 

 

She doesn't have any family. Her parents are both deceased and she had no siblings. We were having a destination wedding to keep it private. There was no relatives or friends that were totally pissed because it didn't happen.

 

I own my choice, I know it was f'd up and wrong. I should have stuck it out, it was just cold feet. Or at least talked to her and tell her how I was feeling. I can't take it back, if I would I could. I'd rather spend my whole life trying to make it up to her than live the rest of my life without her. She is who I see forever with.

 

She is the love of my life. I can't lose her. I can't see her every day and not be with her. Changing work locations isn't an option for any of us, we're on contracts and it would involve a major move.

 

I can't stand to see her with him. Maybe I'm making it up but it really seems like they are flirting all the time and she's getting very close to him. He has kissed her at least a couple of times at work, co-workers say it was just him kissing her she didn't start it or escalate it. And that makes me hope that she doesn't have feelings for him. I stupidly asked her ex if they have had sex (since we broke up) and he just looked at me, gave a douchey smile and walked away (started a fight).

 

I'm going to ask her to get dinner with me tonight, or come over, or anything.

[katiegrl]

Sorry zarb, I am not buying it.

 

You didn't want her when you had her.... and I would venture to guess if you had her AGAIN, you wouldn't want her.

 

You only want her now because she is a challenge. Her ex wants her too which makes this all the more compelling for you.

 

Do her a favor and leave her alone.

 

And for the record, you don't end an engagement one week before the wedding because you need space to figure out if it's the right thing.

 

That one statement indicates you have absolutely zero credibility.

 

Move on.

Edited July 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[Jabron1]

 

How do I get her back? Do I even stand a chance?

 

This is one woman. She's causing you grief. It happens.

 

What about other women? Are you increasing your options, or trying to get with her needlessly?

 

Seriously, she's one of many. You spin that plate, fine. But you go after other girls in the meantime.

 

She's f*cking you about, and yet you obsess.

 

I'm not interested in the drama, or the other guy. And neither should you be. Time to up your game.

 

Women are a reflection of ourselves. That's part of the fun. What is this situation telling you? Time to improve.

 

She is ultimately unimportant. Learn to be better.

[Satu]

Be nice and just leave her alone.

 

You've already hurt her enough.

[Jabron1]

Be nice and just leave her alone.

 

You've already hurt her enough.

 

You're right, of course.

 

They're both as bad as each other. We all are.

 

She is playing the game for her own benefit. So was/is he.

 

Just life. Bigger than them both

[katiegrl]

You're right, of course.

 

They're both as bad as each other. We all are.

 

She is playing the game for her own benefit. So was/is he.

 

Just life. Bigger than them both

 

What game is she playing?

 

She's into her ex now and NOT the OP.

 

I fail to see how this very obvious fact means she is playing a game.

 

The OP was the one who screwed her around (he admitted this) and then walked out one week before the wedding cuz he needed space.

 

He's getting his now, it's called karma.... and it can be a real bytch sometimes.

 

OP, you say you can't lose her. Dude you no longer have her to lose.

 

You had your chance, like I said and what HER actions indicate... she's into her ex now.

[Jabron1]

What game is she playing?

 

Eh?

 

I suppose it depends on your perception.

 

She's either an innocent snowflake, or a woman spinning plates/considering her options.

 

 

She's into her ex now and NOT the OP.

 

He is fighting a needlessly uphill battle.

 

Hard for me to say. I'm fighting enough of my own, without understanding the complete ins and outs of another.

 

It's up for him to decide whether it's worth the investment or not.

 

The OP was the one who screwed her around (he admitted this) and then walked out one week before the wedding cuz he needed space.

 

.. and yet he seems to be head over heels. Life is complex

 

OP, you say you can't lose her. Dude you no longer have her to lose.

 

As I said, "women are a reflection of ourselves". He needs to seriously contemplate why it is that he is going backwards.

[katiegrl]

Eh?

 

I suppose it depends on your perception.

 

She's either an innocent snowflake, or a woman spinning plates/considering her options.

 

He is fighting a needlessly uphill battle.

 

Hard for me to say. I'm fighting enough of my own, without understanding the complete ins and outs of another.

 

It's up for him to decide whether it's worth the investment or not.

 

.. and yet he seems to be head over heels. Life is complex

 

As I said, "women are a reflection of ourselves". He needs to seriously contemplate why it is that he is going backwards.

 

I guess we're in agreement then....

[MissBee]

I agree ....she isn't getting back with either of you if she has half a brain.

 

You stood her up at the altar and he cheated on her.

 

I agree.

 

Neither of you seem to be good bets for a sustainable relationship. You backed out 2 weeks before your wedding and he cheated. You both seem to have commitment issues and it's very common that people with these issues panic when the relationship gets serious or they reach a new milestones. They panic and have to make a run for it literally (cancelling a wedding) or sabotaging (cheating), they usually come back down after the panic settles OR when they see the person moving on they again panic about what they can't have. The irony is, usually if they get this person back, they do the same thing again things settle back into a normal routine and they're required to commit.

 

I don't think you can guarantee things would be different. I think you're super concerned now esp because of this other guy, but I think it's best to leave her be. Also, you both are being immature and unprofessional acting like she is an object that belongs to either of you demanding and fighting that each other "leave her alone." Eww. She's an adult woman and you are her ex who stood her up at the altar more or less and he's her cheater ex-fiance...neither of you have any say in who talks to her or not. I mean...the fact that she is entertaining you both is her own problem and if she were the one posting I'd comment on that, but if you truly care I think you should leave her be and at least stop acting like you own her and stop fighting with this other guy at work over a woman neither of you are committed to.

[Jabron1]

You're quicker on the draw than Jesse James

 

I guess we're in agreement then....

 

Sort of. In a weird way, yep

[Satu]

When it comes to relationships, 'complex' is never good...

[Jabron1]

When it comes to relationships, 'complex' is never good...

 

If someone is being "simple", there's a reason behind that too.

 

People are just people. Time to stop taking things personally.

[Satu]

If someone is being "simple", there's a reason behind that too.

 

People are just people. Time to stop taking things personally.

 

People who are mentally emotionally healthy, are straightforward and easy to get along with.

 

Don't forget what a 'complex' is

[Jabron1]

People who are mentally emotionally healthy, are straightforward and easy to get along with.

 

Don't forget what a 'complex' is

 

'Emotionally healthy', 'secure attachment', 'high-interest', you can call it a lot of things. All sorts of different re-reframes that we can use.

 

Fact is that everyone has an agenda, and a perception (or 'frame', as it is known in the pick up community).

 

You don't fit that, and there will be trouble. Just how it is

 

Best not to take it so seriously, IMO.

[ses]

Please stop trying to make a pass at her. I know it's difficult but you've also admitted that the drama has affected the dynamic at work which is troubling. There is a reason why people warn against engaging in relationships at the workplace — it's often messy and awkward.

 

Give yourself a break. Stop chasing her. Date someone in the non-medical field.

[zarb]

I didn't leave her because I didn't want her. I wanted her. I had cold feet. I have always wanted her.

 

I'm not seeing anyone else, I only want her. I have had women interested but I can't do it. I tried hooking up with two other women but couldn't keep it up either time. It just felt wrong.

 

She invited me to come over to her house tonight. Maybe it will go well.

[sc0316]

So I take it that you want her, but don't want to marry her?

 

Given the constant drama at your workplace, I'm surprised that your HR hasn't invited you guys to have coffee in its office.

 

I didn't leave her because I didn't want her. I wanted her. I had cold feet. I have always wanted her.

 

I'm not seeing anyone else, I only want her. I have had women interested but I can't do it. I tried hooking up with two other women but couldn't keep it up either time. It just felt wrong.

 

She invited me to come over to her house tonight. Maybe it will go well.

[katiegrl]

I didn't leave her because I didn't want her. I wanted her. I had cold feet. I have always wanted her.

 

I'm not seeing anyone else, I only want her. I have had women interested but I can't do it. I tried hooking up with two other women but couldn't keep it up either time. It just felt wrong.

 

She invited me to come over to her house tonight. Maybe it will go well.

 

Okay fair enough.

 

But just out of curiosity, what made you realize you made a mistake? Did you just wake up one day and say to yourself "Oh shyt, I made a mistake"?

 

How did you arrive at that place (conclusion)?

 

I mean something must have triggered that emotion.

 

Could it be when you realized another man wanted her?

 

I don't know just asking, cuz it always amazes when men realize how much a chick means to them once they don't have her anymore.

 

Always wondered, what changed for them? And if you got back together, how do you know you wouldn't get cold feet again?

 

If I were in her shoes, before taking you back, I would be asking you these questions, so you better have good and convincing answers for them.

 

And not just "I dunno, I missed you'! That's not enough.

[preraph]

Well, backing out a week before the wedding shows colossal disrespect, but more than that, it shows cowardice. I can only assume you waited until the week before with all the plans made and humiliated her like that because you couldn't get it up to call it off when you first started having those feelings. And that is going to work against you because it's weasely. Now, don't get me wrong: I'm all for people breaking up, regardless of the cost of the wedding, rather than marrying if they have big doubts. And sometimes the timing is going to be bad.

 

I really think you need to acknowledge that something either within you or about her made you run scared and just walk away and leave her behind. I truly think the only thing driving you at this point is "I didn't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her." I mean, this is right in your face, and it's a competition. He doesn't deserve her either. If she had a lick of sense she'd find herself a new job in a different hospital and leave both of you behind permanently.

 

Even if you managed to marry her and lasted 25 years, it would be 25 years of the humiliating story being told with thinly veiled resentment at every anniversary. it's too big a faux pas.