He left me for someone else and it's feels intense. What now?

[toastytiger]

This is kind of long, so thank you so much in advance if you happen to read through this and/or offer any thoughts.

 

My ex broke up with me a month ago. He said he wanted to be with someone who has had similar phases of development/who meets him/who can hold space for him... I don't know he's given a variety reasons, tbh. Also important to note that I am 26 and he is 41. He's had his doubts throughout our relationship, which all together has been almost 2 years. The last few months were filled with conflict, mostly around this new woman that came into the picture.

 

He shared that he was feeling disturbed because he felt attracted to this woman he just met. When I asked if he is wanting to explore a potential relationship with her, he said "not yet" He then said maybe he just need more diversity in friends. I asked for space for him to figure it out and after a few days he broke up with me (he seemed devastated that he had to do this and said he had been crying a lot) A few days later, he came back saying he made a mistake and was getting caught up in dreaming when I'm here and I'm real and he wants to be with me. Then, maybe a month later, I texted him to hang out one night and he was busy (which is unusual for him to be too busy for me) and got really short replies. My intuition felt that something was off and I felt really insecure and afraid. I checked his phone the next day (which I feel shameful of) and saw that he had spent time with her and even texted her again after they hung out if she wanted to come to his place for tea around midnight, she texted back that it would be "too risky" and he replied with something flirtatious. I lost it.

 

The next day, I didn't tell him I checked his phone, but I asked if he hung out with her. He said yes and this led to a whole conversation about why he likes being with her - how he just likes "talking to her" How he doesn't get that from me. And so, I broke up with him. He left for a week or so for a residency after that. When he came back, he was trying to get back together with me, saying it wasn't true that he wanted to date other people. I shared that I read his texts and confronted him about it. I shared how angry and betrayed I felt. We were getting some energy moving through consciously pushing each other. Mostly I was pushing him, I had permission to and was encouraged to by him. I was pushing him with my hands with the intention of not actually hurting him but to express and move the anger to release it. (He's a therapist and I also am familiar with therapeutic approaches using movement) Anyway, we had stopped that for a bit and started talking and he admitted that something in him wanted to hang out with her late at night. Out of such a impulsive charge of anger, I pushed him again, unconsciously this time and pretty hard, and I don't think he was prepared for it and lost his balance. He fell on his low back and slid until he hit his head on the cabinet. He then started to cry and I started to apologize profusely.

 

It was awful seeing him so scared of me. (He's had to go to the chiropractor since, but it's gotten better)

 

After he calmed down a bit, he said he knew it was an accident and doesn't blame me for it. He also apologized for what happened with the other woman. All my anger dissipated after accidentally hurting him physically and I just kept saying sorry. Anyway through this, we somehow slipped back into a relationship. We even made agreements about not spending time with anyone we're attracted to past 11:30pm and letting each other know when someone is becoming a threat to our relationship (should have known she already was!)

 

The next week or two were terrible. We continued to fight more and more. The only thing that seemed to bond us together was physical touch and sleeping together. I had my birthday party at his house and he showed up super late and was just stressed about his day and that there were so many people at his house. I felt hurt since so many friends showed up and were so sweet in celebrating with me and he was the one person I was waiting for the most to show up.

 

He also had a day trip planned with that other woman and I let him go with her, I didn't want to feel controlling of who he spends time with and I was trying really hard to trust him. He talked to her about me checking his texts and pushing him (ugh..) He made me feel like I was crazy, overreacting, etc.

 

It had been a few weeks or less since we got back together that night I pushed him. And he asked while we were in bed after having conflict earlier that night, "do you want to just date me later?" Said something along the lines of being in a crappy mood due to spring and allergies and feeling that two people being in a low mood can't support each other. I told him I didn't feel he was a burden to me. He mentioned that we suffer more together than experience joy. He was talking about taking space or being alone for a while. But he didn't seem sure and was being really indirect (as usual). I asked if this was the last time I would sleep with him and he said he didn't know.

 

The next day I left town for a two days for a medicinal ceremony. I had some big insights - one of them was about him and I how I felt so much forgiveness to him and wanted to take care of him and be his ally.

 

I was excited to share this with him and came back a day early. When I did, he shared that he indeed, wanted to break up. It was such a shock and I was in this weird passive mood where I just agreed and said I wanted the best for him. He said he wanted to be solo for a while. That he wanted to stop being physically intimate because it was clouding his judgement. That he was to stay true to himself and take care of himself.

 

The next couple days I was so confused and almost* felt like begging him to change his mind and wanting to prove I can change and have changed. In the next week or so we spent a few nights cuddling, but I didn't sleep over. Finally, just two weeks ago, we had a kind of one last time together where we went out and then cuddled at his place until 1 or so when I left. He said a lot of things that day. I found out that he had been spending more time with that other woman. That he's being open to exploring a potential relationship with her. (she's his age by the way - 40) He told me she had already been asking to spend the night and he has been wanting to go slow. He also said confusing things like "who knows, maybe in a year form now, I'll be begging you to get back together" Which really, doesn't mean anything...I feel like he's been stringing me along this whole time.

 

Anyway, the news of him beginning to see her immediately after our separation didn't hit me until the next day, and the following days have been filled with such an incredibly ridiculous amount of sadness, anger, hatred, jealously. I broke up with him over this woman and we got back together on his accord only for him to break up with me a few weeks later and start dating her. So infuriating!

 

We have barely been in contact since. When he did once, I gave a short reply. Last night he texted to carpool to an event we would go to regularly (though I have chosen to avoid since last time, the other woman was there with him - that was so rough, does he even care that that hurts me to see??) I said I was busy hanging up art. Which was true, but I also felt that he didn't deserve anything from me. Then today, something in me wanted to send him an invite to the event I'm going to tonight where my art will be up. (which I regret as I've been trying to ignore him or show him I'm at least a little upset) He said he was leaving to a 4-day festival but to send his love and encouragement to all those there. And then I accidentally found out through fb that the other woman will be going too. My heart just sank...

 

This is hands down, the hardest break-up, the hardest experience I've ever been through. The pain is intense. The feeling of abandonment and betrayal is intense.

Even though our relationship hasn't been ideal and he has had issues committing. I will say that we've also shared many loving moments together. And there is a strong emotional bond. And overall, in my head, I know that i deserve better. That I deserve to be with someone who will meet me the same way that I'm willing to meet them. But it's just really challenging right now... My jealously is through the freakin roof. I keep comparing her to myself, she looks close to my age even though she's 40. And my imagination is going wild knowing they are going to be camping out together at a festival. I'm just heartbroken and I feel pathetic almost... I'm wanting to maintain as much of my self-respect and dignity around him (and for myself too) At the same time, i'm feeling so revengeful and want him to feel the pain I'm going through.

 

I'm seeing a therapist, and working on myself. But sometimes, it just feels unbearable. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice or if anyone has gone through something similar and have seen through it. What is your story? How long did it take you to finally move on? What helped and what didn't? What did you learn?

 

 

- With lots of gratitude!

Edited May 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraph spacing ~6

[ilovemefirst]

Very sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am glad you are talking to someone about this and believe me, the pain will fade. He does not deserve you, and when he does come back, hopefully, you do not take him back. Sadly, he had the case of the GIGS, and most likely he will come back, but dont live on that hope. You continue to work on yourself, focus on your goals and look at the amazing things you have going for yourself. Eventually you will look back and wonder why you even wanted him back! Good luck and stay strong and positive!

[toastytiger]

Very sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am glad you are talking to someone about this and believe me, the pain will fade. He does not deserve you, and when he does come back, hopefully, you do not take him back. Sadly, he had the case of the GIGS, and most likely he will come back, but dont live on that hope. You continue to work on yourself, focus on your goals and look at the amazing things you have going for yourself. Eventually you will look back and wonder why you even wanted him back! Good luck and stay strong and positive!

 

Hi there, I really appreciate those words of encouragement. (wasn't sure if anyone would read through it all!) You are right...

He is a master of confusion and as I begin to see the truth of things in hindsight, it is quite painful. I want to stop feeling like a victim and find my power again.

[Buddhist]

But sometimes, it just feels unbearable. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice or if anyone has gone through something similar and have seen through it. What is your story? How long did it take you to finally move on? What helped and what didn't? What did you learn?

 

Yes I've been through something similar. I won't bother with the story but it was similar. It took me 4yrs to move on....I'm rather tenacious that way.

 

What helped - actually feeling my feelings instead of explaining them away in my head or settling for feeling justified for ending it etc. I didn't actually stop thinking about him as my BF until I felt all those icky feelings including the rage, grief, shame etc. That took a good long while.

 

What didn't - see above. Explaining my feelings away, feeling justified and righteous, focusing on finding someone else, distracting myself with other things. Sometimes you just can't move on until you sit in that discomfort for as long as it takes.

 

What I learnt - that the uncomfortable moments in life exist for a reason. They are our way of properly processing trauma. Trying to short circuit it in any way just leads to you dragging it behind you as baggage. There is no revenge that is anywhere near as effective as accepting the situation and feeling it. I also received the epiphany as to why this pattern seems to be permanent in my life and it lead me to discovering a way to change that. It was not without it's silver lining.

[TaraMaiden2]

I totally disagree with the notion that putting your hands on another person to "vent, express anger, hostility, fear, resentment, or to emphasise a point" is therapeutic and productive.

 

Putting your hands on another person is an impulse (as you found) which ultimately can lead to damage. (As you also found).

 

That said, your post is very detailed and you describe your mind-set and thought-processes with care and clarity. It's extremely verbose and descriptive.

 

However, it can be reduced to a nutshell, and the bottom line is this: He cheated on you, quite openly, betrayed you quite openly, strung you along quite openly, and manipulated you. Covertly.

As a therapist, I dare say he is a Master of the Art.

 

The phrase "Physician, heal thyself!" springs to mind....

 

In the end, no matter how much you may dissect, scrutinise and examine this in the deeply intellectual way you have, it comes down to this.

 

He's a jerk who used you and has now moved on.

 

Go, and remain in, No Contact (see the link in my signature) and hopefully, you will be angry and open-eyed soon enough, to see him for the fake he is.

[toastytiger]

Yes I've been through something similar. I won't bother with the story but it was similar. It took me 4yrs to move on....I'm rather tenacious that way.

 

What helped - actually feeling my feelings instead of explaining them away in my head or settling for feeling justified for ending it etc. I didn't actually stop thinking about him as my BF until I felt all those icky feelings including the rage, grief, shame etc. That took a good long while.

 

What didn't - see above. Explaining my feelings away, feeling justified and righteous, focusing on finding someone else, distracting myself with other things. Sometimes you just can't move on until you sit in that discomfort for as long as it takes.

 

What I learnt - that the uncomfortable moments in life exist for a reason. They are our way of properly processing trauma. Trying to short circuit it in any way just leads to you dragging it behind you as baggage. There is no revenge that is anywhere near as effective as accepting the situation and feeling it. I also received the epiphany as to why this pattern seems to be permanent in my life and it lead me to discovering a way to change that. It was not without it's silver lining.

 

Wow, 4 years? I hope it does not take me that long. I can be quite tenacious myself How long was that relationship?

 

Thanks for your insight. I haven't received that advice yet: letting go of justifying/explaining my feelings. (That would definitely clear up some space in my head!) I'm amazed at how hard this is, I almost* would rather not get into another relationship for fear of going through this again.

 

What is the pattern in your life that you're talking about? If you don't mind sharing And what was the epiphany that led to the silver lining?

[Satu]

Sorry to hear that you're hurting.

 

Keep going with the therapy for as long as it takes.

 

Keep posting here. It's very therapeutic to write about your thoughts and feelings.

 

 

Take care.

[toastytiger]

I totally disagree with the notion that putting your hands on another person to "vent, express anger, hostility, fear, resentment, or to emphasise a point" is therapeutic and productive.

 

Putting your hands on another person is an impulse (as you found) which ultimately can lead to damage. (As you also found).

 

That said, your post is very detailed and you describe your mind-set and thought-processes with care and clarity. It's extremely verbose and descriptive.

 

However, it can be reduced to a nutshell, and the bottom line is this: He cheated on you, quite openly, betrayed you quite openly, strung you along quite openly, and manipulated you. Covertly.

As a therapist, I dare say he is a Master of the Art.

 

The phrase "Physician, heal thyself!" springs to mind....

 

In the end, no matter how much you may dissect, scrutinise and examine this in the deeply intellectual way you have, it comes down to this.

 

He's a jerk who used you and has now moved on.

 

Go, and remain in, No Contact (see the link in my signature) and hopefully, you will be angry and open-eyed soon enough, to see him for the fake he is.

 

Phew... Ouch.

Hard to swallow your reply. Hard to believe that someone who loves me can treat me so horribly at the same time I feel ashamed.

 

But that phrase, "Physician, heal thyself." rings true and he has a lot of his own issues. I guess I happen to be on the receiving end of it. Man, he needs to grow up! He's 15 years older than me, what is he doing with his life?!

 

He has been keep friendly contact (for mostly selfish reasons I think) And it only confuses me more. I keep remaining polite and short, but next time he texts me, I think I will reply with, "I want to remind you that we broke up. You are seeing someone else. Please do not try to connect with me anymore unless it's important." That sounds good, right? And from there NC will begin (which I've never done before! And will be hard because we share mutual friends and go to the same events)

 

...and yes, I may have been overly descriptive in my post, hah. My obsessive mind went off:o Thanks for reading and replying taramaiden!!

[TaraMaiden2]

Phew... Ouch.

Hard to swallow your reply. Hard to believe that someone who loves me can treat me so horribly at the same time I feel ashamed.

Yes, I'm sorry to have been so punchy and shooting from the hip, but sometimes people have been in such a rational fog, trying to balance everything out with all the "he said, she said, then he did, she did" that they actually lose sight of the basic, bare-bones stuff. It's over.

 

But that phrase, "Physician, heal thyself." rings true and he has a lot of his own issues. I guess I happen to be on the receiving end of it. Man, he needs to grow up! He's 15 years older than me, what is he doing with his life?!

Have you seen my avatar? Take a look at it.

I'm famous here for the following (which my Mum passed on to me):

"It doesn't matter what job they have, how much they earn, what car they drive, whose [designer] clothes they wear, or what kind of house they live in: They're 9 years old." I haven't met a single guy to whom that doesn't apply, more often than not, though I'm sure there are exceptions....

 

He has been keep friendly contact (for mostly selfish reasons I think) And it only confuses me more.

Permit me to clear up your confusion, by explaining this bit.

It's in the NC Guide.

He's being friendly to relieve his guilt and make himself feel better, because he broke up with you (let's leave the cheating alone, a second!) and he figures, if he can still keep you in the "let's be friends' corral, it must mean you're ok with everything, so all is forgiven, right?

 

...Right....?

 

Er.....no.

Hence your confusion.

 

I keep remaining polite and short, but next time he texts me, I think I will reply with, "I want to remind you that we broke up. You are seeing someone else. Please do not try to connect with me anymore unless it's important." That sounds good, right?

Yes, but....I wonder... Could I suggest something a little better?

 

We're broken up. You left me for someone else. I don't feel like being your friend, so stop contacting me."

 

That's a lot more emphatic, no-nonsense, and in-your-face. He cheated on you. That was the height of disrespect. You don't owe him the courtesy of being so nice, because otherwise he will find any excuse to make anything 'important'.

 

And from there NC will begin (which I've never done before! And will be hard because we share mutual friends and go to the same events)

Again, the NC Guide deals with situations where contact is inevitable. keep your distance, don't make eye contact and do NOT initiate a discussion. If he approaches you, and says "Hi, how ARE You?!" with that big friendly smile of his (you know the one!) just smile sweetly, reply with "Fine thanks. Excuse me". and walk away.

 

...and yes, I may have been overly descriptive in my post, hah. My obsessive mind went off:o Thanks for reading and replying taramaiden!!

That's ok. You write well, but you make far too many allowances for him.

Knock him off any pedestal you have him on (however low it is) and see him for what he is. A child who has messed with your emotions, has cheated and wants your approval so he needn't feel so bad.

[toastytiger]

Ugh. Yeah. You are right! It is what it is...

 

I'm learning and it's such a big edge for me to be "mean" But more accurately, it's standing up for myself.

And I am still unconsciously hanging on to crumbs. What does this say about how much I truly love myself?

 

Knock him off any pedestal you have him on (however low it is) and see him for what he is. A child who has messed with your emotions, has cheated and wants your approval so he needn't feel so bad.

 

He sent me a music video to the song "Careless Whispers" a little bit ago after the break-up. I didn't get it at first and re-reading the lyrics now, it makes my heart hurt. He is too "charming" for my own good.

 

Some of the lyrics:

"I'm never gonna dance again

Guilty feet have got no rhythm

Though it's easy to pretend

I know your not a fool

 

Should've known better than to cheat a friend

And waste the chance that I've been given

So I'm never gonna dance again

The way I danced with you

 

Time can never mend

The careless whispers of a good friend

To the heart and mind

Ignorance is kind

There's no comfort in the truth

Pain is all you'll find"

 

I don't know how to feel about this exactly... This somehow is pulling on my heart-strings.

But yeah, I have to remember not to put him on any pedestal and stop being so accommodating! Or forgiving to the point I lose my own right to be angry. He is a child.

 

Super thankful for the frank observations. And for you modeling how to be straightforward. (I need to freakin wake up!)

 

 

I'm kind of looking forward to the next time he contacts me, so I can be straight up with him and call it good.

[Satu]

snip

 

 

He sent me a music video to the song "Careless Whispers" a little bit ago after the break-up. I didn't get it at first and re-reading the lyrics now, it makes my heart hurt. He is too "charming" for my own good.

 

 

Maybe you should send him

.

 

I would.

 

Then strict NC.

[Buddhist]

Wow, 4 years? I hope it does not take me that long. I can be quite tenacious myself How long was that relationship?

 

18 months. He was the only one I had ever loved. I could not let go of that.

 

I'm amazed at how hard this is, I almost* would rather not get into another relationship for fear of going through this again.

 

That is also what I decided too and was living it, until someone else came along and changed everything. Certainly make the decision that brings comfort now, but realise it will probably change when the time is right. Mentalling processing this won't heal the emotional. We are in the habit of retreating into our minds as way to not feel pain. But until you feel it, in it's entirety it will stay with you and prevent you from living a full life again. Don't give him the ability to determine the rest of your life.

 

What is the pattern in your life that you're talking about? If you don't mind sharing And what was the epiphany that led to the silver lining?

 

That no matter who I dated, when or how the relationship went. I always ended up feeling and experiencing a lack of love from others. None of the well meaning advice out there changed this experience. I never went looking for relationships, I was always single for years in-between them. I worked on myself in the meantime. But I kept dating men who were......the same. Narcissistic and emotionally absent enabling them to do things like trash a relationship in an instant with a totally self centred action and feel zero remorse about it.

 

The epiphany is with the last one, I actually connected the dots. I literally woke up on day and realised he was the same person in a different skin. I then knew what the root cause of my problem was. When we have a wound like that we intuitively attempt to heal it, by choosing people who re-open the wound. Until we heal it, we will forever be attracted to the thing that hurts us most.

Edited May 26, 2016 by Buddhist

[toastytiger]

snip

 

 

Maybe you should send him

.

 

I would.

 

Then strict NC.

 

Hah, thanks. Thank made me smile

[toastytiger]

That no matter who I dated, when or how the relationship went. I always ended up feeling and experiencing a lack of love from others. None of the well meaning advice out there changed this experience. I never went looking for relationships, I was always single for years in-between them. I worked on myself in the meantime. But I kept dating men who were......the same. Narcissistic and emotionally absent enabling them to do things like trash a relationship in an instant with a totally self centred action and feel zero remorse about it.

 

The epiphany is with the last one, I actually connected the dots. I literally woke up on day and realised he was the same person in a different skin. I then knew what the root cause of my problem was. When we have a wound like that we intuitively attempt to heal it, by choosing people who re-open the wound. Until we heal it, we will forever be attracted to the thing that hurts us most.

 

Yes, it's so true! I am already seeing a pattern for myself that orginated within my family dynamic. It's amazing that we will unconsciously get involved in similar situations that allow us to heal a specific wound. I hope that I am able to evolve pass this sooner than later!

[toastytiger]

Mini, mini update... I've been feeling a lot better. Wow, I didn't know coming on this forum would help so much. The responses have been great and my eyes are continuing to open up to the bull**** that this is - which makes it easier for me to make my own choice in moving on.

 

I suddenly had the urge last night, to write out an email to him. And maybe it's not even worth it. But I can't believe his behavior. That way he so masterfully cheated on me, strung me along. How sneaky he was. I even think about how he did this with his last girlfriend... and at the time, I was kind of the other woman... But he did it in a way where he was open about it to both of us, but at the same time cunning. In a way the made it seem like he wasn't doing anything wrong. Hindsight is 20/20 and my god, it's ridiculous!

 

I'm kind of concerned for him and other women he'll do this to. And he needs to be aware of his power and to not abuse it. I want him to wake up! Especially since he's 41, he's a therapist, and he's within the same social community as me.

 

I think a big part of it for me is not wanting him to get away with murder.

 

In the email, I would end with asking for no more contact. So I guess I also just want to share with him all this before I stop talking to him. I don't know if this is coming from the right place or not though? And would it accomplish anything helpful?

[Satu]

snip

In the email, I would end with asking for no more contact. So I guess I also just want to share with him all this before I stop talking to him. I don't know if this is coming from the right place or not though? *And would it accomplish anything helpful?

 

*I don't think it would, but you might choose to.

 

Shift your focus of attention to 100% of your attention directed onto yourself, and your own wellbeing.

 

You aren't responsible for his enlightenment.

 

Leave him to make sense of himself by his own efforts.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

Take care.

Edited May 27, 2016 by Satu

[LadyM]

No emails. No responses when he reaches out to you.

 

No response is the one thing that will cause him the most discomfort. It is unsettling and painful when reaching out to someone and getting no response.

 

Know who I learned this from? My ex boyfriend. That was the ONE thing that pained him MOST about people.

 

Knowing that, that's what I did to him each time he has tried reaching out to me over the years. Was very hard, but I am SO satisfied I was able to hold out and be silent.

 

In fact, you don't have to "tell" him you won't be having any contact with him any longer. If you want, you can simply "disappear."

 

Feed him a modicum of the pain he caused you.

[toastytiger]

I am now becoming a full believer in NC. For anyone trying to move on, no contact is no joke. Experiencing the proof of it's value right now.

 

I have been doing surprisingly well recently. (Woohoo!) The week before today was filled with rediscovering myself, cultivating forgiveness, feeling excited about a new life without him. Feeling happy that I'm done trying to be someone else, trying to be good enough for him... It was me that I was trying to impress now

 

I'll say that it did help with the NC that he was out of town for 5 days at a festival (woman he left me for went too:mad:)

 

Then he came back few days ago & I ran into him today. Super brief interaction, left as soon as I could.

He looked extra old when I saw him... Or worn out. And he seemed nervous too, very unlike his usual demeanor. Maybe he didn't want to see me either.

Anyway... all of a sudden I'm feeling so sad now. Sad that we acted as total strangers to one another. Feeling sick thinking of him with that other woman. And how he betrayed me and gave up on us.

 

All of a sudden, all my tools and resources don't seem to be working. All my compassion and understanding went out the window. I feel like I'm reverting. Jeez, everyone is right about the NC thing for moving forward! It's such an addiction and I miss getting "crumbs". But I must remember to stay strong.

 

Overall -- it's almost 6 weeks post-break-up and 3 weeks post-last time we were intimate with one another -- & I know now more than ever that I can and will be happy without him. That this is for the best. Thankful for this transformative learning experience -- knowing now what I want and deserve. No longer willing to compromise, and setting amazing boundaries in the future.

 

Time is doing it's job well. Sticking to NC will make it better!

 

Happy for this forum -- I think I've mentioned it before somewhere, but reading posts and other stories on here really helps me not feel so alone!

Thanks y'all

[feelsobullied]

Just be careful. Your ex seems to have his ego in a tight wrap around you. Make sure he doesn't come on to these forums and try to give you advice under fake profiles like I experienced. I hope you really can experience NC. It's kind of like a wolf in sheep clothing. It's also easy to hide out online isn't it?

[toastytiger]

Just be careful. Your ex seems to have his ego in a tight wrap around you. Make sure he doesn't come on to these forums and try to give you advice under fake profiles like I experienced. I hope you really can experience NC. It's kind of like a wolf in sheep clothing. It's also easy to hide out online isn't it?

 

Well that sure made me paranoid... Maybe I should delete this thread, hah. (Is that possible?)

 

I'm also sorry that you had experienced that. What an unethical thing to do.

Edited June 3, 2016 by toastytiger

[bummer]

Sounds like full NC will be hard to do but you're handing it well. Keep it up!

 

Something tells me he's going to regret losing you and he's in an infinite loop of jerkdom with a clear pattern.

 

Your own realizations and the epiphanies of others are helpful for me to read. Thanks.

[toastytiger]

I unintentionally drove by his parked car today at the grocery store. Saw him in it, and the woman he left me for sitting in the passenger seat.

Just awful.

Why?? Why did I have to see that?

It was so great forgetting about it or pretending it wasn't happening. Or that it didn't play out between them.

 

And I feel ashamed to say this but, a very tiny part of me was secretly hoping to run into him today (I wasn't attempting to, but sort of wanted to in the back of my head) And lo and behold, I somehow catch a glimpse of him and he's with her. I hate him all over again.

 

Trying really, really hard to remember all the things I've learned and all the progress I've made so I don't have a panic attack

 

I don't know how to handle this right now.

 

Wasn't planning to keep posting on this stupid situation, but I feel like I'm struggling pretty bad again. Any helpful thoughts?

[Captivating]

Toastytiger,

Lovely name ! I am so sorry that you have to endure this. It will get better, don't worry.

Yes, this will be an emotional roller-coaster.....up and down for a while.

There will be very sad days then you feel peaceful for a couple of days.

This is completely normal, it's the withdrawal of the "drug" that you are experiencing.

Be patient it will take time. It took me 4-5 months to get over the worst part. You will start to see things and him more clearly after that. It takes time but it will fade, you will meet someone else, someone better.

 

Please watch this video, i found it very helpful :

[Giggles666]

Helpful thoughts, hmmm. Not to sound mean, but you're young, he's not that young anymore. You have your whole life to go be happy and find someone. You seem to want to learn and grow, he seems to want to stay the same and play games...which don't work much longer once you hit 41. Next thing you know you're 50 and have no one to play games with anymore.

 

Not sure if that makes sense to you. It's what I am doing. I'm 42 and recently dated one of my good friends of 15 years, she cheated on me also. She's 50 and desperately seeking with no luck, and being very selfish and immature about it. I never told her I knew she did, I just let her play her games on me and blame me for everything, which she did. Like you I had written out an email, letters and thought I had to let her know everything before we went no contact. I wrote lots of letters, never sent them.

 

The urge to get everything out there and somehow think that will make moving on and NC easier is a fantasy. As bad as this sounds, and I am his age...you're young, go crazy, date, have a blast, experience new folks, go to concerts, go to bars, dance, have flings...his days are numbered with that. His games are over soon. Try and think of him and him having a short shelf life, and you having a long one.

 

I know it hurts, I know it's hard...don't waste your time worrying about him or who he is with. Easier said than done, I am going through it now.

 

It's hard but you need to move on and seeing them together I am sure did not help...time. Be patient, love yourself, improve yourself, grow, get out there and live your young life vs. his soon to be old man games.

[Giggles666]

I should also add, many men his age with those games end up very lonely by the time they hit 45/50. Think of it as you actually "winning", he did you a favor and now you realize it. The woman he is with now will figure him out.