Jump to content

Ex-GF is playing games..I need .


Recommended Posts

Quick summary

 

- Together for a year and a half

- Both 18, I’m in Uni, she works full-time

- First love and relationship for us both

- Lost our virginities to each other

- Moved in together 5 months into the relationship

 

She broke up with me 2 weeks ago after an argument, says that I’m neglectful, I took her for granted, I don’t pay enough attention to her (This was particularly true during my final exam and assignments period) But throughout the relationship ALL I DID was love her. I was completely blindsighted, literally the day before she was all over me and everything seemed fine, and now she was cold and distant. (She moved back to her mom’s house)

 

She told me to change and that we could work things out at the end of the month. I agreed that space was good. A couple of days later she says we should just move on, obviously I was opposed to this and told her how much I loved her and wanted her. Didn’t work, she cried but I could tell she wasn’t going to change her mind.

 

She starts hanging out with her friends and seems happy. She also starts spending lots of time with one of her male co-workers ALONE outside of work. I confront her and she says they’re just friends, I doubt it though, she told me a couple months ago that this co-worker was flirting with her.

I block her on all social media (snapchat, instagram, facebook), so I didn’t have to see how ‘happy’ she was, and how fast she was moving on, it was breaking my heart and I needed to heal.

 

I went NC but she kept texting and calling me about useless irrelevant stuff. I ignored and sometimes responded vaguely.

 

Last night at 4:00am she randomly shows up at my house and tells me how much she misses me and loves me, she’s crying the whole time. I try and comfort her but I’m holding back because I’m hurt and I really don’t trust her (because she left me and is spending so much time with her guy ‘friend’). She was exhausted after working a late night shift, and ends up sleeping over, we cuddle but no sex.

 

On the way to work this morning when I was dropping her off she was asking me if I was talking to other girls, if I was talking to my ex (She was very jealous of my ex), I truthfully told her I wasn’t doing any of those things. She then got angry and said if I was a better boyfriend we could still be together and because of that she’s hurt and lonely and feels like a piece of her is missing. (She’s great at being the victim, literally blaming me for everything that caused the relationship to fail). I mentioned that we could work towards a relationship, which she DECLINED.

 

So after I dropped her off at work I think I just ate a BIG A** BREADCRUMB. I feel stupid. I need help in going back into NC. I miss her and love her a lot, but I know she’s just playing around.

Edited by wilson12
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Wil,

 

Could you share more specific info about your RS / breakup?

 

1. What country are you both from?

2. Was the breakup partially due

to cheating or infidelity?

3. Do you know if your ex is dating someone new?

 

4. Did your ex's friends and family liked you / approved of you?

5. How much anger / fighting was involved

in your breakup?

6. During your breakup, how upset did

your ex appear to be?

 

7. How would you rate the depth / intensity of the

relationship with your ex?

8. Also, do you have to meet your ex on a daily / weekly basis? (i.e. mutual pets, mutual duties, whatever else of that nature)

Edited by Caster5
additional content
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, your situation sounds just like mine with my ex, except we're both a bit older than you and your ex. We also moved in together after about 5 months, we were together almost 2 years, she moved back in with mommy after we broke up, and she went back and forth between "I need space but we'll work this out" to "we need to move on." Oh yeah, she was flirting with some guy from her class via text and got with him right when we broke up, or before, hell if I know, but she denied it multiple times even in the face of clear evidence. She also blamed everything on me, showed up randomly, and got mad at the thought of me with other girls (including an ex). Just thought all the coincidences were pretty funny.

 

Anyways man, you definitely need to stay NC and not give in to any breadcrumbs, as hard as that may be. Block her phone number if she keeps trying to text and call you. She's using you for support when she wants it, so basically, she gets the benefits of having you when she wants without actually being with you. As much as you miss her, just remember that you can't trust her - she misled you about this male coworker and may have been flirting with him behind your back.

 

I got some good advice from a relative while going through my breakup - when a relationship ends, it has to become all business between you and your ex. Meaning you get her out of your life and stop treating her like she's special, because she's not anymore. She wants to talk about who you're seeing? Too bad, none of her business. Would you invite in some stranger who shows up knocking on your door at 4 a.m.? Nope, well treat her like a stranger now. She's trying to see if she still has you by the balls, and she got what she wanted when you asked about working towards a relationship again. She doesn't want to be with you, she just wants to know that she could still have you. Stand up for yourself, you don't owe her a place to stay in the middle of the night and car rides to work, she dumped you to go date some other guy, remember?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well... Yeah, I generally agree with the previous poster.

 

She acts childish, sends you mixed signals, uses you as her "free psychological support service", without giving you anything meaningful in return.

 

Strict NC is preferable. Easier said than done though..

Link to post
Share on other sites

You heard her out. When you talked about truly reconciling, she said no. You know what you have to do now -- ignore her like you plan.

 

Going forward with your next relationship do not move in after a measly 5 months. Know somebody for at least 1 year before cohabitation.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Hey Wil,

 

Could you share more specific info about your RS / breakup?

 

1. What country are you both from?

2. Was the breakup partially due

to cheating or infidelity?

3. Do you know if your ex is dating someone new?

 

4. Did your ex's friends and family liked you / approved of you?

5. How much anger / fighting was involved

in your breakup?

6. During your breakup, how upset did

your ex appear to be?

 

7. How would you rate the depth / intensity of the

relationship with your ex?

8. Also, do you have to meet your ex on a daily / weekly basis? (i.e. mutual pets, mutual duties, whatever else of that nature)

 

1. We're both from Canada

2. The breakup was because I took her for granted, but I didn't. She was just needy and insecure.

3. I suspect she is dating this guy, she won't admit it. She say's he's a friend but I can tell by her behaviour its more than that.

 

4. Her family loved me, and so did her friends. I got very close with her family actually.

5. Towards the end of the relationship there was a lot more anger and fighting, initially it was very peaceful but with stress from her job, and stress from school, everything kinda went wrong.

6. She seemed very upset. At first she tried to act like everything was fine and she was happy, but after staring deep into her eyes I could easily tell she wasn't. She would often breakdown around me.

7. I would rate the depth/intensity 8/10. I entertained her thoughts on wanting to get married, talking about children, etc. There was definitely co-dependency between us.

8. I don't have any reason to meet up with her, so no.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok.

 

Judging by this subjective picture you gave us, I'd say this:

 

1. Clearly, you're making several quite typical mistakes most of us guys tend to make when confronted with breakup / separation:

 

She broke up with me 2 weeks ago after an argument, says that I’m neglectful, I took her for granted, I don’t pay enough attention to her (This was particularly true during my final exam and assignments period) But throughout the relationship ALL I DID was love her. I was completely blindsighted, literally the day before she was all over me and everything seemed fine, and now she was cold and distant. (She moved back to her mom’s house)

 

You admit yourself you were "blindsighted", don't you?

 

This can mean that you actually could have missed many, maaaaany more signs of her loss of attraction towards you, at the final stage of your RS.

 

What I'm trying to say is this: even if you could 'win her back' using some 'magic texts' or 'mind games' or manipulative tricks of any kind, the result would almost certainly be short-term.

 

I.e. maybe you could get her back for some time, but you wouldn't be able to keep her , anyway.

 

You need to pinpoint the real reasons of her loss of attraction, which can be more than just what she told you, or her insecurities, or her moodiness.

 

Speaking generally, women have a fairly limited number of reasons for dumping us guys. However, I have no time to write more here. Not now.

 

If you don't address the real reasons, your chances to get her back and keep her are almost nil.

 

She told me to change and that we could work things out at the end of the month. I agreed that space was good. A couple of days later she says we should just move on, obviously I was opposed to this and told her how much I loved her and wanted her. Didn’t work, she cried but I could tell she wasn’t going to change her mind.

 

Your resistance will only make matters worse. The more you try to force RS on her, the more she will resist.

 

Unless you address the real reasons, she won't be attracted anymore. Cause and effect, remember? Same cause, same effect.

 

She starts hanging out with her friends and seems happy.

 

Whatever she seems to be, should be the least of your concerns.

 

Here's why:

 

- she dumped you;

- she moved on with her life (or at least tried to);

- she tried to get a rebound (prob'ly to cushion her emotional problems / guilt /loneliness).

 

You can do nothing about this. She's made her mind about you, for the visible future. The more you pull, the more she will tug. Natural resistance, you'd do the same if you dumped a girl who had become unattractive to you.

 

I confront her and she says they’re just friends,

 

You don't have any right to 'confront' her with anything like this, bro.

 

She's not your gf anymore, she's not your property. If she wanted, she could date 5 or 10 guys at a time (the same's true for you), it's none of your business anymore. Sorry for the tough wake-up call, nothing personal.

 

I doubt it though, she told me a couple months ago that this co-worker was flirting with her.

 

The more you spy on her or stalk her, while neglecting your own personal life and happiness (apart from her, that is), the more depressed and miserable you'll feel. You need to break that negative attachment to her. It only will make matters worse and more painful.

 

I block her on all social media (snapchat, instagram, facebook), so I didn’t have to see how ‘happy’ she was, and how fast she was moving on, it was breaking my heart and I needed to heal.

 

Absolutely. You need to heal, to pause and reflect, without her. But there's also an issue of her family and mutual friends, I'll write more on that later.

Link to post
Share on other sites
devilish innocent

This girl sounds like an immature little brat. You really need to block her phone number so she can't call and text you again. If she stops by your house, don't open the door. She's going to keep trying to contact you if she can. It's only going to cause you more heartache if you allow it.

 

Depending on her how relationship with the other guy is going, she may even try to get back together with you eventually. If she does, I'd suggest not taking the bait. She'd only blame you for everything that went wrong in the relationship. She has a lot of growing up left to do before she can maintain a healthy long-term relationship with anybody. You may not see it yet, but you really are lucky things ended.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

UPDATE:

Okay so I kinda broke NC again...I didn't mean to but I wasn't strong enough.

 

She ended up stopping by my house to return some of my stuff. I was about to tell her to leave when she clings on to me and won't let go. She keeps saying she misses me etc. and I wasn't strong enough to just kick her out.

 

She starts making out with me which leads to other sexual stuff, but we didn't have sex. I was so confused. The whole time she is acting as if everything is fine. Eventually I bring up the topic of our relationship. She gets angry saying "she's lonely", and that "she's confused", and doesn't know what "she wants". Then she starts crying. (Her emotions are extremely unstable at this point).

 

I told her I gave her space to figure things out and that I really want a future for our relationship eventually. She says she does too, but right now she doesn't know what she wants. The whole time it was extremely difficult to read and understand her, she's never acted this way before.

 

I mentioned that she should come back at the end of the month, and she was hesitant (I know that's bad). What's even worse is she says she wants to be loyal to her guy 'friend'. She told me he has been pursuing her and asking her out many times now (This guy is a total scumbag and has been trying to get with her even when he knew we were dating). She also mentioned she keeps turning him down because she's not ready for a relationship and doesn't know what she wants. (Probably deciding between me and him)

She left my house on a good note after talking for an hour, I didn't pester her any more about our relationship or this new guy.

 

 

Anyway, I figured the more I pushed her, the more I would be pushing her into this guys arms. She said she doesn't want to deal with any stress right now. I know her really well, and she's not behaving her usual self at all, it's like she's a totally different person.

 

 

So I'm definitely in a limbo right now. I REALLY want her back, and I don't want this SCUMBAG to get with my ex. I'm asking for any advice what would be the best approach to get her back

 

Thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites

You're not going to get her back.

She doesn't want to come back to you.

 

My guess is she had a falling out with the other guy, or he is not perhaps paying her enough attention, so she came looking for some support and sympathy from you.

Familiarity means you ended up making out, but she made it sort of clear she has no intention of getting back with you, even telling you about her loyalty to him, in case you didn't quite get the message.

 

Do not engage in any more of her drama.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
She ended up stopping by my house to return some of my stuff. I was about to tell her to leave when she clings on to me and won't let go. She keeps saying she misses me etc. and I wasn't strong enough to just kick her out.

 

She starts making out with me which leads to other sexual stuff, but we didn't have sex. I was so confused. The whole time she is acting as if everything is fine. Eventually I bring up the topic of our relationship. She gets angry saying "she's lonely", and that "she's confused", and doesn't know what "she wants". Then she starts crying. (Her emotions are extremely unstable at this point).

 

She wants to date this other guy, keep you around as a backup, and play the victim so everything can be your fault. You're letting her do all of that. All of your actions so far tell her "you own me."

 

I told her I gave her space to figure things out and that I really want a future for our relationship eventually. She says she does too, but right now she doesn't know what she wants. The whole time it was extremely difficult to read and understand her, she's never acted this way before.

 

I mentioned that she should come back at the end of the month, and she was hesitant (I know that's bad).

 

She knows exactly what she wants. See above. She's telling you she doesn't because that's the best way to keep you in limbo. You're waiting around for her thinking "maybe there's a chance" while she does whatever she wants.

 

What's even worse is she says she wants to be loyal to her guy 'friend'. She told me he has been pursuing her and asking her out many times now (This guy is a total scumbag and has been trying to get with her even when he knew we were dating). She also mentioned she keeps turning him down because she's not ready for a relationship and doesn't know what she wants. (Probably deciding between me and him)

She left my house on a good note after talking for an hour, I didn't pester her any more about our relationship or this new guy.

 

He may be a scumbag, but keep in mind that flirting is a two way street. Your ex could've shut down his advances right away. She didn't because she was interested in him. And now she's dating him. Don't buy that garbage about how she has been "turning him down." So she turns him down, yet they're still hanging out alone? Come on man, open your eyes here.

 

Anyway, I figured the more I pushed her, the more I would be pushing her into this guys arms. She said she doesn't want to deal with any stress right now. I know her really well, and she's not behaving her usual self at all, it's like she's a totally different person.

 

So I'm definitely in a limbo right now. I REALLY want her back, and I don't want this SCUMBAG to get with my ex. I'm asking for any advice what would be the best approach to get her back

 

Thanks

 

Look, this girl flirted with another guy while in a relationship with you. She's undoubtedly dating and having sex with him now. She's lying to you and using you for emotional support when she wants it. If that's the type of person you're dying to get back, you're in for a rough life.

 

I've been through very similar **** and I've heard very similar **** from my ex. She was literally hugging my legs while I sat down telling me that I'm everything to her. When I rightfully questioned how I could be everything to her if she left me, she pulled the same tricks your ex did. She got upset with me, telling me how I just don't understand, thinking if she got mad at me I'd be eager to please and would kiss her ass again. Know what I told her instead? "Yeah, well, I guess I just won't be able to understand, so instead of wasting your time explaining why don't you just go?" By the way, she was dating another guy at this time, which I confirmed later. She left and I felt good for once, because even though it went badly, at least I had my balls back.

 

This girl is playing you, man. She is treating you like a fool and you're eating up all this garbage she's feeding you because you think it's going to help you get her back. If you don't toughen up you're in for a long, painful experience.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you for your responses LD1990 and Elaine.

 

A little Update:

 

She came over yet again (Unexpectedly), this time was to take back some of her stuff. I made sure that she got EVERYTHING so she wouldn't have to come back EVER AGAIN.

 

We ended up having sex (She initiated it) and we slept together that night. The morning after I felt awful when she confirmed she had no intentions of getting back together. She says all the "I still have feelings for you", "I love you", and basically compliments all my physical features. But for the 100th time when I mention reconciliation, she simply says she's confused and we have to move on. She said that I neglected her in the past and she can't take me back.

 

I'M THINKING WHY DID YOU SLEEP WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO MOVE ON.

 

So I made it clear that we are to not contact each other anymore under any circumstances, and she agrees.

 

But later today she calls me. I ignore for the first 3-4 calls, but she ends up calling me 8 times non-stop. So I answer because I think it may be an emergency.

 

Nope, all she wanted to talk about was coming with me to a gala we were supposed to go to next month. I told her "No, you're not my girlfriend anymore, you can't come." And she says "I've been with you for the past year and a half, how could you just push me away like that". I told her no, and she kept insisting and says she's coming with me anyway... (??????????)

 

To make things worse, she wants me to come spend time with her family. I mentioned earlier me and her family are really close. But I told her not until I'm ready and moved on. Then she says that I can't neglect her family like that and that they miss me.

 

I've been trying NC but she keeps guilt tripping me and putting me in these situations. She made it clear she didn't want to get back together, and I made it clear I did not want to have any contact with her whatsoever until I'm ready. She's not understanding...

 

Should I block her number? Change my number? She knows where I live and I know she would end up just coming to my place...

Edited by wilson12
Link to post
Share on other sites

She's doing this because you never stick to the boundaries you set, so she knows if she stomps her feet and plays the victim enough you'll eventually just do what she wants.

 

Here's what you do:

1. Block her number and block her anywhere else she may contact you.

2. If she gets around your blocks, ignore her and immediately block whatever new method she found to contact you.

3. If she just shows up at your house, tell her you have nothing to say to her and she needs to leave, otherwise you'll call the police. If she doesn't, call the police and tell them your ex-girlfriend is harassing you. A visit from the cops is enough to deter most exes.

 

She's your ex. If she has an emergency, she can call 911 like everybody else. Don't get suckered in again by her manipulations. Making her family happy is not your concern.

 

Calling the cops may seem extreme, but if she keeps showing up at your house and won't leave, it's the best way to get rid of her.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix

Unfortunately she doesn't respect you at all. She just thinks she can use you at her convenience and, unfortunately, she's been proven right since you keep caving. Stop caving and being weak and hold your ground.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi again, wanted to explain myself here:

 

She's made her mind about you, for the visible future. The more you pull, the more she will tug. Natural resistance, you'd do the same if you dumped a girl who had become unattractive to you.

 

Pressure leads to resistance. The more you push, the more she'll be repelled from you. So there's really no 'quick fix' for your situation. You have to work things through, either if you want to try to make up with her or just get over this broken RS, heal and move on with your life.

 

-----------

 

One more thing:

 

I'M THINKING WHY DID YOU SLEEP WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO MOVE ON.

 

Sex isn't necessarily long-term RS. Maybe she just wanted you physically... One more time. ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites

One more thing:

 

 

 

Sex isn't necessarily long-term RS. Maybe she just wanted you physically... One more time. ;)

 

Maybe she just wanted to have sex with someone tonight... You're comfortable for her, so she thought 'why not?'

 

It doesn't mean she wants you back as her bf, bro.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for all the replies guys. I really appreciate all the advice.

 

UPDATE:

Its been almost a month since she broke up with me, yesterday I ran into her at Starbucks unexpectedly. I was alone and so was she. We haven't spoken since our last encounter which was over a week ago when we had sex and she told me she wasn't interested in getting back together.

 

Inevitably the topic of our relationship came up. I know I should've left but she kept saying she really wanted to talk. (maybe to alleviate her guilt, ego purposes, or she wanted to see if I was still on the hook)

 

She said she was still confused and hasn't made up her mind and still thinks about coming back to me OR going further with this new guy. She admitted that they've been starting to get physical together. The whole entire time telling me how she misses me and loves me. During our 30 minute conversation she went from crying, to being angry because I should've treated her better, and then laughing at some of her own jokes. Honestly began to feel sick because of how unstable her emotions were...

 

Just before I left I decided to get another drink for the road, my ex-gf notices me and a cute barista talking, she interrupts our conversation and latches onto my arm and gives me a kiss on the cheek. The cute barista immediately backs off and the situation became really awkward. I got my drink and quickly left without saying bye to my ex-gf. I'm hoping that will be the last encounter I have with her, but something tells me otherwise...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I should also add:

 

There is history of abuse in her family from her mother and her father who are separated. Her family is poor and they have always been poor, she has many siblings and half-siblings, all being raised by her single mother. My ex gf's father was diagnosed with bipolar (Don't know what type), and my ex gf's brother is also diagnosed with bipolar (It is very obvious). My ex gf is diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but has been unmedicated for years. I suspected she was bipolar or had some other behavioural illness (Possibly BPD) but I ignored the red flags because I was infatuated.

 

However she displayed:

 

- Fear of abandonment (She often needed me to reassure her that she was pretty and not fat, and she said many times that I was too 'good looking' for her, when in fact she is VERY beautiful and weighs like 110 pounds, so many guys hit on her, she could easily be a model)

 

- She definitely displayed characteristics of splitting (She either really LOVED something/someone, or absolutely HATED it)

 

- Self-harm (when we got into arguments and she was frustrated, in pain, or stressed , she would resort to cutting or hiting herself on her head, and in some cases has attempted to overdose on multiple occasions)

 

- Impulsive behaviour (she often spent a lot of money out of impulse buying)

 

- Uncontrollable emotions to those closest to her (To others she appeared to be completely 'fine', it was absolutely scary because I knew what she was really like)

 

- Absolutely TERRIBLE at coping with stress (As soon as anything became too stressful she either gave up or walked away)

 

- Never takes accountability for her actions (Even when she was wrong, she always thought she was right. It was ****ing scary.

 

The relationship moved extremely fast (mainly because of her), within months we had become so sexually experienced because of her high sexual demands. That's one thing I really miss, the sex was amazing. She often spoke about marriage, having children, and went on and on about how 'perfect' I was for her, how 'lucky' she was.

Edited by wilson12
Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you really like breadcrumbs and being plan B?

 

Cmon man!

 

You're being played and toyed with for her ego.

 

Go completely dark and block her on everything. Move on and get a life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I suspected she was bipolar or had some other behavioural illness (Possibly BPD).
Wilson, if you're interested, I describe the differences I've seen between BPD and bipolar behaviors at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. This is based on my experience with a BPDer (my exW) and a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son). If you take a look at that list of differences, you likely will find that your description of your exGF's behavior is far closer to BPD traits than to bipolar traits. I caution, however, that exhibiting BPD traits does not mean that a person necessarily has full-blown BPD. We all exhibit these traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if we are healthy).

 

She would resort to cutting or hitting herself on her head, and in some cases has attempted to overdose on multiple occasions.
The APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" for only one disorder: BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). That is, of the 157 disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has "cutting" listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting and head banging is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but
the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder
. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.
See
.

It therefore may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Wilson.

Edited by Downtown
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm hoping that will be the last encounter I have with her, but something tells me otherwise...

 

You're probably right, and if you keep just hoping she'll leave you alone, you'll go through the same lousy patterns. At some point you just have to man up. Don't want to talk to someone? Tell them! Life is short, do you really want to spend it hearing your ex blame you for stuff and tell you how she's ****ing some new guy? She treats you like her property because you don't enforce any boundaries with her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Wilson, if you're interested, I describe the differences I've seen between BPD and bipolar behaviors at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. This is based on my experience with a BPDer (my exW) and a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son). If you take a look at that list of differences, you likely will find that your description of your exGF's behavior is far closer to BPD traits than to bipolar traits. I caution, however, that exhibiting BPD traits does not mean that a person necessarily has full-blown BPD. We all exhibit these traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if we are healthy).

 

The APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" for only one disorder: BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). That is, of the 157 disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has "cutting" listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting and head banging is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but
the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder
. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.
See
.

It therefore may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Wilson.

 

Hey Downtown, I just wanted to thank you because the information you posted was actually very helpful. Looking back there were even more BPD red flags in our relation****.

 

She was VERY jealous - Wouldn't let me talk to any girls, in public she would always cling onto me, and she was even jealous of my guy friends. If I went out with my friends she would either be a) Very upset for several hours, b) emotionally manipulate or blackmail me, and c) start a huge fight.

 

And God forbid if I ever looked at another women she would go ape sh*t. Even during the movies if any nude scene came on with women she would tell me to cover my eyes. I look back and cringe at myself on how much she controlled me.

 

And not to mention her neediness. I always had to assure her I would never leave her, I loved her, and that she was pretty. I recall a huge fight we had not to long ago when I said we should take a break from each other, and she said she would kill herself...

 

She has hit me once also, which I forgave her for but I should've ended it right there. She gets very angry and vindictive over the smallest things. She could start a fight out of literally anything.

 

Ultimately though the biggest reason to lead me to the fact that she may be BPD is her emotional instability. It only takes seconds for her to go from happy to mad. Communication was terrible. When she was mad she would either give the silent treatment or self-harm.

 

Despite being in an emotionally abusive relationship I still miss and love her terribly...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You're probably right, and if you keep just hoping she'll leave you alone, you'll go through the same lousy patterns. At some point you just have to man up. Don't want to talk to someone? Tell them! Life is short, do you really want to spend it hearing your ex blame you for stuff and tell you how she's ****ing some new guy? She treats you like her property because you don't enforce any boundaries with her.

 

This is what I needed to hear. Despite me blocking her number, on EVERY social media platform, and even ignoring calls from 'unknown numbers', I should have walked away as soon as I saw her in Starbucks.

 

I will admit the first couple of weeks after our breakup I really wanted her back. But after looking back at how she treated me, and how she continues to treat me even with this new guy is just disgusting.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Despite being in an emotionally abusive relationship I still miss and love her terribly...
Wilson, no need to feel defensive about loving and missing her. If she is a BPDer, you likely will find it very painful to leave her. Because BPDers are emotionally stunted at the level of a young child, they generally exhibit the warmth and emotional purity of expressions that are only seen in children. This is why walking away from a BPDer feels like you're abandoning a young child.

 

And this is one reason it is so easy to fall in love with a BPDer to begin with. My experience is that, until the infatuation evaporates and their fears return, BPDers are lovable and fun people to be around. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...