Sunnymae Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 (edited) I've been reading and and taking notes. I feel like we all have so much in common, most of us have been dumped. Some saw it coming, some were blindsided. In my case I was blindsided. It's been a week and five days. Last Sunday, I showed up at my boyfriends house. When I got there, we caught up on what had been going on in our lives. Since we last saw each other. He told me about a new app he found "Plenty of Fish" which was disturbing, because a couple of weeks prior we had discussed a future together, and he had said that now that his divorce was final after 3 years, he would consider a future with me. He had even said a couple of times "I love you sweetie" I didn't want to ruin the day by asking if he was planning on dating, even though in the past when I had talked about living together he had said that he wanted to sow his wild oats. But that was around the one year mark of our relationship which then became intimate, which then seemed to evolve into a future together, and since we are both in our 50s I thought from our recent discussions regarding moving in that all that college talk about "sowing your oats" was over. But today he mentioned how I didn't ride a bike in his bracket, and that I had a dog, and couple of other things we were incompatible in . I told him we could work on that, that I could slowly become a faster bike rider, but he said no! He had learned from his ex wife that people don't Change! So the beautiful beach day I had planned, turned into the worst day of my life. He spent the whole day at the beach looking at his phone. On the drive back I told him how neglected and hurt I felt that he barely talked to me and had spent the whole day on his new app "Plenty of Fish" He said "get over it" The drive back was awful. He told me to give him back his keys, and to take my stuff. I knew it was over! I unfriended/ blocked him. He said "I just got divorced and prior to that I couldn't get women" "But now that I'm divorced I wanna see what's out there" I just need some time to clear my mind, maybe after June I'll feel different" he told suggested I get together with a guy friend of mine. I told him that I had no romantic interest in him, and that I wouldn't want to lead a "friend " on and give him false hopes. " Awww... Wait"I said " that's what you did to me" When I got home, I wrote him a text saying that he was unethical, that he lead me on, that he had flip flopped, how could he say he wanted to have a future with me and talk about moving just a month prior, and now tell me we have nothing in common!! Wtf!! And I said thanks for ripping my heart out. He wrote back saying "I will always love you as a friend, or more keep in touch xoxoxo" I wrote back saying aww how sweet, I'll always love you as a friend as well, and your right about not having a lot in common I like kayaking, and you don't" He text back "Snarky" The first week has been awful, I felt so confused, and hurt. I felt I needed help so I bought a book " He's just Not Into You" which helped me out, along with Writing about my feeling everyday. I even dreamed about him. I thought about that day a lot and I felt so angry!! Like I I thought about maybe forgetting what he did to me, It's like the anger is helping me get through this. I always thought anger was bad. But in this case it keeps me strong. So A Week and 4 days have gone by and I'm adhering to the NC rule. On Thursday, I get an email from him saying, "just checking up on you" He tells me how he's been busy, blah blah at that point I felt like writing back saying I'm okay with you Not being my friend!! And if we have nothing in common I don't think we can be friends, after all. But since I had read about the no contact rule I just didn't answer. I felt empowered By not answering I at least have control of this even if I can't control my feelings towards him right now. . I still at times feel weak and I feel like reaching out. But then I remind myself of what he did to me on that day. How hurt and confused. How I was willing to become something I wasn't just to keep him. About other times he's ignored me and things he'd said and done that didn't seem nice or ethical. I just got to think of this as an addiction to a bad habit. Any words of encouragement, are welcomed, no sugar coating please. Edited May 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Clarify title and add paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 It would be best to block him. Empowerment comes from removing toxic people from your life. Being open to contact is only delaying your healing and it has the potential of keeping you stuck and affected. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunnymae Posted May 21, 2016 Author Share Posted May 21, 2016 So after being blindsided by my boyfriend basically breaking up with me, he says He will always love me as a friend. Did he say this so in case things don't pan out with his potential mate he can have me as a friend, since he really doesn't have friends that I know of in the area. Or because he feels guilty that he lead me on, and he can say I didn't lie I really love you, as a friend? Link to post Share on other sites
Holmes85 Posted May 21, 2016 Share Posted May 21, 2016 Sunnymae, When he says he wants to be your friend, what he actually means is 'I am leaving you for someone who I think is better than you, but in case it doesn't work out, I'll come back into your life and pretend that I am interested ...till I find someone else and tell you that I was just being friends' What do you do with a person like that? You stop being emotional with them, you give them the boot of their life by blocking them everywhere and continue to heal and make changes in your life and upgrade to better things in life. As for him, his train is on full speed ahead and heading to a brick wall, the chances are that by the time he realizes that his train his off the rails and he can't do anything and by then it would be too late. Also at that point you would be glad that you weren't on board with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 21, 2016 Share Posted May 21, 2016 So after being blindsided by my boyfriend basically breaking up with me, he says He will always love me as a friend. Did he say this so in case things don't pan out with his potential mate he can have me as a friend, since he really doesn't have friends that I know of in the area. Or because he feels guilty that he lead me on, and he can say I didn't lie I really love you, as a friend? It could be all of the above, but it could also be that he actually means what he says: he will always love as a friend, ie. he's killing any hope of a future reconciliation + he wants to leave things on a positive note, because not everyone is a conniving piece of work. You can choose to read bad intentions in that (which would be totally natural if you didn't see the breakup coming), you can stop caring either way and leave it there (advisable if you're still hurting) or you can give it some time and revisit the idea of parting ways on friendly terms at a later stage if you're up for it. The point is, there is no right or wrong answer in those situations - just do what feels right for you, and listen to your own instincts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 21, 2016 Share Posted May 21, 2016 It's just something people say. There are no dastardly motives. At ground even though he's breaking up with you, he is not a complete jerk. He feels badly that he is the source & cause of your pain. He offered you some small measure of comfort because it was all he had. Stop over thinking it. He is not trying to leave a door open for later reconciliation. He does not want to come back to you as 2nd choice. He wanted you to stop crying because your pain upset him. Be done with him & start on your healing path. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hoosfoos Posted May 21, 2016 Share Posted May 21, 2016 He's trying to make himself feel better about himself by saying nice things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunnymae Posted May 22, 2016 Author Share Posted May 22, 2016 Thank you for not sugar coating. I needed to hear that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunnymae Posted May 22, 2016 Author Share Posted May 22, 2016 Thank you, That's good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunnymae Posted May 22, 2016 Author Share Posted May 22, 2016 Thank you for responding, I really needed to hear that. Link to post Share on other sites
Alamo657 Posted May 22, 2016 Share Posted May 22, 2016 (edited) When you re being told this particular line, it means your ex will remember fondly about the good times with you, that you're an important part of their life. But it also means they dont want a lovelife with you because its unfulfilling to them. The word "friend" is misused, because friends dont hurt each others, and that's what happens during a breakup. I see it as a selfish way to tell you "thanks for the good times, because they were good, but sorry i dont want to fake a future together anymore". It's selfish because they don't do it out of kindness or care, they do it for themselves, not to appease you or soften any blow. Someone who really cared about your well being would tell you it's over, tell you the real reasons, and instead of leaving you with unfathomable "declaration of eternal love but no relationship", leave your life and let you heal. Edited May 22, 2016 by Alamo657 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 22, 2016 Share Posted May 22, 2016 I've used that phrase. It meant that I no longer cared for him as a lover, but I cared for him as a person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunnymae Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 Here is the first email I sent:On May 23, 2016 6:47 AM, I wrote this: You must be excited about your upcoming travel plans. How did the protest go? Send me any videos you have. I'm excited about my up coming travel plans as well. I'm traveling to Tennessee to spend a weekend with a friend, and do some sightseeing. I've reconnected with an old friend. How's it going with your fishy, did you find any keepers yet? Who's going to be watching your house? I was looking forward to crashing out there a couple of times but I guess that's a negative. Anyway, for the sake of history and what we do have in common Heart Disease. I will let by gone be by gone. I saw a pic of your daughter on Instagram, and she looks so much like Jean! Omg what a cutie. Give them a hug for me. I know you get melancholy so I won't send it, unless you want me to. Anyway have a safe trip. Take care His reply. From my perspective, nothing has changed. You are still sleeping with dogs, and I am still single and looking. Nothing's changed? ( Explanation of why he wrote that is Because one of the reasons he gave for breaking up was that we didn't have much in common. I like dogs he doesn't I wrote this: I was just trying to see how you were doing, I mean I'm not a cold heartless person, I wasn't trying for anything more. Only give me the key if you feel comfortable. I never thought or asked because I wanted to get back in your bed, I'm past that. I just reached out because I hated how we just ended it. I'm now ready to move on. I promise there are no romantic intentions in me reaching out to you. I'm sorry I made you feel there were. (Tbh By now I'm really hurting, but I'm trying to keep it civil and not let on how I really feel. I'm trying to bow out intact) He Wrote: I have no problem giving you a key, but I don't know my weekend plans yet. (I'm really hurting now. He's probably going out with one of the girls from "Plenty of Fish app") ( I'm trying to not be emotional and I wrote the following: I wrote: I'm available to meet with you on Friday. We could meet in the parking lot and you could just hand them over. Don't you have to come home after work anyway? It's up to you. I can wait in the parking lot, and you can hand them to me. I already know about checking the a/c you can leave written instructions for me. If its not convenient, then no big deal. I was going to meet Sandy Friday anyway, I'm not making a special trip to get your keys. No Worries. Just let me know . ( by now I'm really regretting I Contacted him) I'm heartbroken ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 The sooner you go fully no contact the better. The only thing that you'll get from interacting with him is more pain. Don't kid yourself into believing that you can handle the pain and carry on interacting with him. You need healing, not more pain. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fixing Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 OK. I do not know the back story and I have no idea what this whole 'house key' scenario entails (Im hoping its something not important and that you can not get involved). There is no 'bowing out gracefully' needed. I mean, yes, it is a horrible feeling when you break no contact and you feel you have let yourself down. I would hope now, that if and when he does reply, you simply don't read it and under no circumstances (if and when you do read it) you reply... Stop beating yourself up over breaking no contact. Its done. There is no need to 'save face' or get 'closure' here. His replies are exactly the dreaded type of responses you hope not to receive when you decide to reach out. Lesson learned. Make zero contact from here on out and I promise you, after a month or so, you will feel so much better. Hang in there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Why on earth do you want to "crash" at his house? You caused you own pain here. Go no contact and stop contacting him. Stop snooping at his facebook and instagram. Just leave the guy alone. He is very clear that he does not want to speak to you again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 OP, where is your self-respect? This is a man that you were dating that had no problems spitting in your face by openly telling you that he's on Plenty of Fish. A guy that doesn't want to be with you because you can't ride your bike as fast as he does (or something like that). A guy that's trying to pawn you off on his friend? A guy who dismisses your hurt by telling you to get over it? And here you are sending him Ms. Happy Sunshine messages like nothing ever happened. You said this, "I just reached out because I hated how we just ended it. I'm now ready to move on. I promise there are no romantic intentions in me reaching out to you." Lying to yourself is going to get you into more hurt. Be honest with yourself. You hated how things ended? You should feel mad and downright insulted. Instead you're extending an olive branch. After what he did to you, why would you even suggest crashing in his place? Go no contact, please. It's clear he doesn't want to be with you so stop pushing about the key -- you know what your motives are for doing this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Frankly as an outsider reading your messages, it was pretty transparent to me you're still emotionally connected to him. I know you wanted to come off as "easy breezy, I'm over it" but your messages did otherwise. His responses came off cold/aloof so my advice would be to stop reaching out him. He broke up with you and now you want to stay in his house? WTF. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunnymae Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 I know, I messed up. I fell off the wagon. I even sent a friend request. Now what? Unfriend him again? The keys was in reference to him leaving to visit his daughter, and I offered to check up on his house. Omg?I feel like a physco, first I'm extending an olive branch then I'm blocking him again. I so much regret conting him. I've just gone backwards. I've hurt myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 You have hurt yourself. So time to pick yourself up. Roll your eyes at yourself and actually move on. Don't contact this guy again. Just stay away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunnymae Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 I Know, I F**** up. The reference to crashing there was that he's going out of town I would be there watching his household what was I thinking!!! It was a Big mistake!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 I know, I messed up. I fell off the wagon. I even sent a friend request. Now what? Unfriend him again? The keys was in reference to him leaving to visit his daughter, and I offered to check up on his house. OmgI feel like a physco, first I'm extending an olive branch then I'm blocking him again. I so much regret conting him. I've just gone backwards. I've hurt myself. Yes, unfriend him. No, you don't check up on his house. The man treated you like crap. Go no contact. Delete/block his number. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunnymae Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 Thank you Zahara. I'm taking a screen shot of this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Thank you Zahara. I'm taking a screen shot of this You are welcome. The next time you have an urge to do something, come and post here so someone can talk you off the ledge. Reacting when you are emotional is never a good idea. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Don't let denial cloud your judgment. Keep telling yourself that its over, because it is. *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete him from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts