Breaking Up With Someone Because Both Too Stubborn to Admit Wrongdoing?

[PerryK]

Its the situation where both are so stubborn that we can walk away from everything despite wanting to.

 

It always goes the same way:

 

1) She does wrong, something she knows would have consequences and would hurt me but does it anyway

 

2) I get angry and hurt and say things about how I don't care about her and she is nothing to me

 

3) She apologises

 

4) I tell her i don't accept it because she wouldn't have done it if she was sorry

 

5) She stops apologising and starts twisting it on me where i said that I don't care for her any more and saying she cba with making any effort for someone who doesn't care

 

6) I am now explaining to her that i said that because of how she made me feel when i was angry and start giving her the attention. I also tell her that she showed she didn't care with what she did in the first place.

 

7) She tells me that she apologised for that, I said "vile" things such as I don't care for her and she is nothing.

 

8) I tell her that she made me feel that way and I was angry and I take that back.

 

9) She tells me we can't work because I have talked to her so badly.

 

10) I say well it is on you then breaking up with me.

 

11) She tells me that it is me that broke up with her because she apologised and I didn't forgive her.

 

12) I am now defending myself that what i said was out of anger etc.

 

13) I tell her that she ended it, bye.

 

14) She says no, it was me that ended it, bye.

 

15) We don't talk again until I am the one that comes back and apologises to her for "over reacting" to the thing she did in the first place.

 

 

She really bases all her relationship ideals and morales on those "memes" that pass round facebook. About girls being psycho's and toxic jealous people as cute and funny and guys should treat their gf like a princess no matter what etc.

 

 

It is a cycle that I just can't seem to get out of, but when you are so comfortable with one person in your life and don't ever want them to leave because when it is good it is amazing but then this happens and it is so easy to walk away. I so much prefer to fix things, i really hate the generation of "oh its not going how i want, ill get a new one". Plus I am not in a work position to meet anybody new. No friends etc within 200 miles. Working in the middle of nowhere, alone. No work colleagues around.

[PegNosePete]

Well, it's pretty obvious she's not gong to change, and you don't want to change either.

 

You have a choice, you can either (a) like it or (b) lump it.

[Caster5]

1) She does wrong, something she knows would have consequences and would hurt me but does it anyway

 

Did she ever try to change her reactions, even a tiny bit? Any results?

 

2) I get angry and hurt and say things about how I don't care about her and she is nothing to me

 

If she's nothing to you, why do you date her in the first place?

 

Clearly, you say it again and again out of emotion, not clarity.

 

 

4) I tell her i don't accept it because she wouldn't have done it if she was sorry

 

Wrong. In my experience, we people constantly make mistakes and regret them later, out of anger / stubbornness etc.

 

So, it's not true that she isn't sorry. It's likely a vicious circle of messing things up --> being sorry --> messing things up again --> etc

 

5) She stops apologising and starts twisting it on me where i said that I don't care for her any more and saying she cba with making any effort for someone who doesn't care

 

Again and again and again... You two apparently love the process

 

<...>

 

14) She says no, it was me that ended it, bye.

 

15) We don't talk again until I am the one that comes back and apologises to her for "over reacting" to the thing she did in the first place.

 

Why would you want to continue such a RS? It puzzles me, really.

 

 

She really bases all her relationship ideals and morales on those "memes" that pass round facebook. About girls being psycho's and toxic jealous people as cute and funny and guys should treat their gf like a princess no matter what etc.

 

Well, obviously she finds dramas and stereotypes entertaining.

Do you? If so, why change anything?

 

 

It is a cycle that I just can't seem to get out of, but when you are so comfortable with one person in your life and don't ever want them to leave because when it is good it is amazing but then this happens and it is so easy to walk away.

 

You can't change her, unless she really wants to change herself.

 

U think you can?

 

I so much prefer to fix things, i really hate the generation of "oh its not going how i want, ill get a new one".

 

Up to you. How could you fix anyone who clearly doesn't want to fix themselves?

 

Plus I am not in a work position to meet anybody new. No friends etc within 200 miles. Working in the middle of nowhere, alone. No work colleagues around.

 

You two live in a desert or something?

[Satu]

Stop eating Ego Munchies for breakfast, and switch to Happy Flakes.

 

You're both being egotistical.

 

How tiresome.

[spiderowl]

Without knowing what she does, it's hard to advise. If she is being unfaithful, then you are not overreacting. She is being unfaithful and most guys could not tolerate that without leaving her. If she is being unfaithful, leave her, don't put up with it.

 

If it's not that, then don't say she is nothing to you. Why would say that out of anger? It's not true is it? Where did you get that phrase from anyway? Was it something that was said in your family somewhere? It's one to lose anyway, because instead of finding a solution to the hurt, it perpetuates it. Once you are both hurting, it is hard for either to back down and apologise.

 

This pattern seems to rely on you being the one to go back and say you were overreacting. What would happen if you didn't?

[little_cloud]

Hi,

 

 

I read your post and can tell you that I have been in your shoes for 4 years. If I say anything about him, that worries me, or do any little thing that annoys him, he then gets angry and tells all the meanest words you could ever think of, then I focus only on defending myself, which makes him even angrier, then I apologise for what I said about him or say that I didn't mean to do anything that would annoy him and he refuses to accept and then he keeps reminding me how I am the wrong person and becomes silent/cold for days until I get angry and just shut down. After sometime I contact him again and the story continues.. Always the same. Until recently, I decided to leave the relationship. It will soon be a week we have not talked and currently my aim is to finish this for good.

 

 

Two people make a relationship, two people will improve/adapt or destroy the relationship in such case. If a girl tells you something that worries her or does something that make you feel angry, you both carry responsibility. She is responsible for what she did, and you are responsible for how you reacted. I wonder what she does that causes you anger? In my situation, I can say anything related to him e.g. can we make less plans for our next holidays, as now you want to run everywhere to see as much as possible, with no time to relax and this makes me stressed. That causes him anger with explosions. If your girlfriend says anything about you, that causes you anger as well, then believe me you have a problem. Which is your reaction. Also, if many things she does annoy you and make you angry, then once again - why do you stay with her? Do you really think that your second half would do mean things on purpose to always make you angry?

 

 

Often what I find is that one person in a relationship is loosing feelings and respect to other person, then little things start bugging them, they allow themselves to swear at that person, criticise and not appreciate them. Sooner or later this affects your second half behaviour as well, and the relationship is experiencing the slow and painful death.

 

 

Do you appreciate what you have? Do you still love her or rather take her for granted? Does she want to stay with you, why she apologises and how much do you think your words said in the middle of anger affects her?

 

 

He told so many mean words to me when being angry that I often had flashbacks of them. They hurt like hell and will hurt until I forget. The fact that you allow yourself to give in into emotions and say mean words, is bad. Very bad move. This brings the worst in other people, and the final result - a person you badmouth starts feeling miserable, if that person stays in the relationship you will both feel miserable. This is verbal abuse, at the core of toxic relationship. So either you both change, or cut it and never look back.

 

 

My person will never change, he told me this many times. Therefore, I am cutting the relationship. Just think about your situation now, and do what sounds best - meaning, make a change.

[Caster5]

Hey, wanted to clarify something.

 

 

Again and again and again... You two apparently love the process

 

<...>

 

Don't take that as offense, just joking around

 

However, let me add something seriously: if she starts these 'drama circles' again and again, and you want to change the pattern, you cannot do so without her, all alone.

 

Think of it: it takes two people to build a lasting, long-term RS, not one person. So if she doesn't really want to change anything, keeps sparkling (and prob'ly enjoys) all the dramas and scandals in your RS and does just that...

 

Well, you might consider quit such a hectic RS, otherwise the vicious circle will only repeat itself again and again.... And again... Ever.